Seeking advice on spiritual development

[ForeverEndless]

Hello all!

My apologies if this is not the correct forum.

This is not easy to do; due to the extremely polarizing mentality imposed upon society by the actions I took in my previous incarnation, having wrought havoc throughout Europe and beyond, as what I like to refer to now as a powerless dictator.

As the current 3rd density incarnation of the entity previously known as Adolf, I am. As mentioned previously this is not the fodder for discussion. Ultimately, to discover myself was not exactly a single moment or even a single time period. The range of emotions/memories/flashbacks/dreams/thoughts and the synchronicity that has resounded during my rather short life is something that has always been a very curious factor for me. I do mean to say that it wasn't 'taken lightly' - so to speak.

Again this isn't a persuasion to get you guys to believe my claims, but I am trying to provide a crucial bit of context, ultimately relevant and important. For privacy I will not reveal my exact birth year but obviously as Ra has mentioned, my birth year must be after 1981. It is, in fact. I was born in the 90's. I believe that the synchronicity has occurred so-as to give me the clues about my previous identity, necessary to discover in order to properly heal. To please the sadists (only joking) - just know that this lifetime has not been an easy one. Physical abuse and severe neglect during the formative years and then struggles of the financial and housing nature during my still early "adult" life.

I have become elated with the Law of One material. It basically sums up what I've always felt my entire life, but could never exactly give words to as Ra has. Due to this, I feel as if I have struggled with the continuity of polarity and STS/STO. I am pretty new to the Law of One material let me say. First I don't even know if I "can choose" to be STO or STS and positive or negative or if these things are fixed. Basically I have struggled with immense negativity throughout my life. I believe in the love and the light, I have always. Yet I still have trouble smiling. I still feel like I just "want" to believe in the Law of One material and will never actually be able to fully implement it. I spent a period of time last year becoming very confused and disillusioned with the meaning of my previous identity. As someone who has an extreme range of emotions, I've always been a firm believer in the light/love within us all and the ability for us to accomplish great things together when harnessing that creative infinity that lies within. I've always wanted to reach an understanding/awakening/enlightenment. To be able to let go of all the horrible things in this lifetime and the last one.

Yet I find myself filled with little else hatred and anger. I have almost no patience anymore. For anyone, not even myself. I think that I often sabotage my own life and opportunities for myself. I feel like what I've only succeeded in accomplishing and what I've poured all my time into is the compulsion to repeat the trauma, as written about by van der Kolk. One can become hooked on their trauma and the act of reliving it due to the addictive properties of the chemicals we secrete in our brains when doing so. I feel like this is a step in the right direction for me to be thinking about. Allow me to paint a better picture of my interpersonal affairs - I have very few friends. The few I have, I never talk to and have difficulty trusting anyway. I have always had trust issues but they have always fluctuated. I have made a habit of anger-filled ranting, sometimes for up to four/five hours continuously in extreme moments. In many ways I enjoy the performance and intensity of these tirades against annoyance (although I know it's really me who has to grow). I am drained of all energy once it's over, it's several hours of intensely negative spewing. It gives me the same feeling I know I felt during the speeches and rallies of my last lifetime. (Let me also be clear that I speak German and have watched hundreds of hours of footage from the Third Reich).

I myself have seen what I can do to a room of people. The effect I can have, it's disturbing. One person in particular shared with me that I scared him with the way I could just unleash all that energy at once. I feel like all I will ever be able to be is an agent of negativity who will fail to develop spiritually or in the "illusory world" due to my own stubbornness and impatience. I feel detached from people while wholeheartedly believing that I can somehow help them. Over time I found a common theme in my tirades - it was always about the implications of something. The lack of consideration I see from people towards one another enrages me. The way everybody treats one another disgusts me. The way I've been treated is difficult for me to get over. I know I need to let go of negativity, but I don't want to. It feels like if I do that, then this whole struggle will have been in vain. I don't feel particularly STO or STS, I definitely WANT to be STO and in my head I am STO, but I don't really see anything meaningful that I've done. My mother was horribly STS and I've had a huge number of STS anti-rolemodels.

I hate that people hurt one another. Not just physically, but in their everyday interactions. I can't believe that we can just throw away all consideration and compassion in order to get ahead. That's not what I've ever wanted to do. I want to be of service to others but I don't know where to begin. I've always had spiritual beliefs especially around reincarnation, chakras, the power of meditation, will, and faith, and have even had myself an out of body/astral projection experience. One particularly scary encounter put an end to my astral journeys and I haven't felt to be in the right place to try it again ever since.

Basically I don't know where to begin. I have all this negativity that I know is bad for me but feels like all I have ever had. I feel like a good person who has been beaten to the brink of even believing in good anymore, to even believe in myself. I'm so alone I feel that there is no love, or in some ways, that this is the struggle I was meant to endure. I've continually brought myself before dead-ends and subjected myself to so much unnecessary suffering, which is what I've always wanted to purge from the world above all else my entire life - unnecessary suffering. Cruelty. There is no place for it. Yet it takes a master in negativity like myself to say so. I feel like in my life I have been given a fantastic array of talents (I can do artwork, write music, write poetry, I'm capable of a very wide variety of tasks with computer systems, I can play many musical instruments. And I feel like all this is supposed to be this way - that I'm filled with useless talents I can't utilize due to my lack of spiritual development, lack of patience in the illusory world, and lack of faith in things to get better. That it would be some type of cruel joke for me to believe I would or even should be able to do anything to perpetuate positivity in and around me. I have had thoughts and have actually long desired to suicide but I know I would just come back to another 3D hell of sorts, probably worse than this one. I know it is what I make of it.

Also today is for me, day 1 into fast w/ occasional Maple Syrup. Hopefully this will help bring about some clarity to my frazzled core. That and meditation, which I don't do enough of.

Sorry for the long long post, I did my best to keep it as short as possible!

Peace/love/hope to all. Adonai

[Jeremy]

Well first off, welcome to the forums.

My humble opinion is that you need a big ol dose of forgiveness. Forgiveness of the self and other selves. Such a monumental achievement such as complete forgiveness is something truly to behold if done with your entire hearts intent.

Personally, I had a particular rough encounter with a loved one. She was the first I allowed into my heart after my world came crashing down after my ex wife and I split. I found out that this woman had been lying to me the entire time and had a boyfriend. I found this out during the height of my awakening. I was gobbling up the Law of One. Reading session after session day in and day out.

I was actually in her apartment while she was at work when this happened. When she confirmed, I blew up on her. Screaming at her telling her how could she do this considering the hell I had gone through with my ex wife.

After I hung up on her. I had this insatiable need to meditate. So I locked myself in her bathroom which was the darkest part of the apartment, sat on the floor and cleared my head. I begged for help in this moment. All of a sudden I had the urge to forgive. I said aloud, I forgive her, I forgive my ex wife, I forgive everyone, I forgive my father whom I've never even met, etc. I just started forgiving everyone and at the end i forgave myself.

What happened after that was nothing short of a miracle. I was on such a spiritual high that I can't even begin to describe it.

I think there are many aspects of your self and other selves to which you can forgive and also accept that which you cannot control. Other selves have their respective paths however misguided they may be. Coming to the realization that you cannot understand anything within this illusion will allow you to come to this understanding

[auntiemable]

Hello, I would say that you really need to meditate daily even if you just set aside time for 15 minutes a day, it'll help. Perhaps just meditate on positivity or peace or happiness. Negativity is a tough burden to bear and is equally difficult to overcome. That may just be what you're here to learn. Maybe start with something small like smiling at people as they walk past you in the hall or when a negative thought surfaces, reframing it into a positive or loving thought. Even just stating that it's going to be a wonderful day when you wake up in the morning might help. You don't have to let it all go at once (and I don't think it'll be possible).
I have a friend that is very positive, but she has to work at it. She posts little 'blurbs' all over the house to remind herself to be positive. "I am a good person." "I am happy and healthy." etc. It's a gradual, long term thing that over time will become easier.
Good luck to you on your journey. Peace, love and happiness!

[MangusKhan]

Hey welcome back Adolf, big fan here! How's Heinrich doing these days? Have you found him?



As for advice, I'd be most honoured if you would consider this post I made a little while back.

Is it possible that one day someone will enter politics and put the whole government on the ropes when they show us what a real leader who cares about people can do without federal spending to get s*** done?

Or is that just another unity wet dream?

When is Hitler going to come back and work off his karma by being a super great, inspirational, positively-polarised leader? I like to imagine a timeline where he was less confused. Look at the guy, he makes modern politics look like a sick joke. This is how you uplift and lead the people to freedom.

[Cainite]

Realize that at your core, there's the creator.

and to become healed and truely begin walking the sto path, first you need to learn to be kind to yourself.

I'm on a similar journey. don't force yourself to smile if you can't. when you begin taking it easy on yourself your gaze will differ automatically. it'll become relaxed and will have a good effect on others. and then you will smile without trying.

btw I like your paintings! the ones you did when you were Adolf.
don't make the mistake you did last time though! don't try fixing the world or others.

[YinYang]

Hey welcome back Adolf, big fan here! How's Heinrich doing these days? Have you found him?

Apologies if this was meant to be a serious thread, but this was just the funniest thing I've read in a while! I almost spilled my morning coffee laughing...

As for you, dear Adolf, welcome to the forum! Looking forward to your posts, you certainly were a very gifted orator! And thumbs up on the Volkswagen Beetle, best car ever!

[rva_jeremy]

Welcome! You are certainly in the right place. I think for the amount you're dealing with you were quite concise.

There's an aspect to the spiritual path that has a certain menace to it, I think, and I was reminded of it in my morning reading. We make a solemn dedication and commitment to our growth, to service, etc. as if we have a choice. And there is a certain sense that we do. But the choice, as A Course in Miracles says, is not so much what to learn but when to learn it.

There is no escape, no exit from this moment and its ultimate trajectory back to the Creator. There is no alternative to forgiving yourself and others. In many ways, I've come to see despair and "giving up on oneself" as the belief that there's some viable alternative we could invest our attention in that would resolve the tensions and tarnish of our situations. But we have no ability to affect the destination; we can only delay. The situation, you see, is completely hopeless.

What I'm trying to convey is that you have all the time in the world. You have time to feel this anger and hatred. You have time to resent others for the way they treat their brothers and sisters. You have time to rant in impatience and outrage. All of these activities are not simply behaviors; they are reflections of things within you that you are dealing with. This is just the particular way you are trying to balance them. It doesn't feel pretty, but that doesn't mean it's useless.

In my life I've found that trying to stop doing negative things tends to simply delay them. Instead, balancing seems more effective in the long term. Accept yourself as having these feelings. Before you can change yourself, you have to fully accept yourself as a Creator capable of this darkness. Only then can you accept that you have another side as well; as long as you try to obscure your negativity you will recapitulate the traumas and sufferings that were likely programmed to bring this to the forefront in the first place. You seem to already understand how this principle works; I think you should give yourself far more credit.

Suffering is not punishment. Suffering is for teaching us something. Ease yourself into a program of fully feeling this stuff, without explanation or justification. By allowing yourself to be angry when you're angry, sad when you're sad, despairing when you're despairing, you'll find out for yourself the exact character of what you're dealing with, what still needs to be uncovered in order to understand yourself. As those of Ra say, by not seeking to overcome this stuff but instead seeking to balance it, you start to notice the randomness of the energy, the way it is raw and urgent and, most importantly, disconnected in principle from the specific reasons you attach to it. If that process is for you anything like it is for me, you start to see the energy expended as not necessarily a subjugation of the self by the negativity but instead an experience of a self in a given distortion. It still sucks, but there is a real sense that it isn't a setback, that you're not using it to escape the demands of the incarnation.

Please continue to reach out if we can be of any assistance. Congratulations for having the courage to begin looking at yourself and your patterns. Only by looking squarely at ourselves can we love ourselves enough to serve. Try also to remember that others have their issues as well, and the suffering you feel does not separate you from others--it unites you with others on this plane. In that suffering and heartache lies embedded all the tenderness and compassion that enables you to serve, not from a place of exaltation, but from a place where your service conveys the true unity and equality of all of us. Good luck!

[rva_jeremy]

ForeverEndless, I stumbled upon a Q'uo reading that discusses anger and balancing. You may find it useful:

Those of Ra have said that it is the nature of distortion, in this case, anger, that in order to balance distortion, one must first accentuate it. This is the way of all distortions, of all learning, so when you feel anger, at the end of your day, in your meditation (and we strongly recommend meditation), at the end of your day for this very purpose, relive again that experience that brought forth anger from you. See it as it developed. Feel again that anger mentally, then increase the anger to what you might call a ridiculous proportion so that it is overwhelmingly powerful within your mind as you meditate upon it. And then, at the height of its power, for just an instant, image its opposite, that is, the love that you wish to develop in this incarnation. As you image that love, rest back and observe it growing within your consciousness, larger and larger, within the inward mental picture, until it equals the ferocity of the anger that you have just created.

Now you see that you have within you two means by which the One Creator can come to know itself. Accept yourself now for having both these means for the Creator to know itself contained within your being. This acceptance of yourself will seat this lesson more and more firmly within you each time that you use this balancing process.

There is also this specific Ra excerpt focusing on balancing anger:

The entity polarizing positively perceives the anger. This entity, if using this catalyst mentally, blesses and loves this anger in itself. It then intensifies this anger consciously in mind alone until the folly of this red-ray energy is perceived not as folly in itself but as energy subject to spiritual entropy due to the randomness of energy being used.

Positive orientation then provides the will and faith to continue this mentally intense experience of letting the anger be understood, accepted, and integrated with the mind/body/spirit complex. The other-self which is the object of anger is thus transformed into an object of acceptance, understanding, and accommodation, all being reintegrated using the great energy which anger began.

The negatively oriented mind/body/spirit complex will use this anger in a similarly conscious fashion, refusing to accept the undirected or random energy of anger and instead, through will and faith, funneling this energy into a practical means of venting the negative aspect of this emotion so as to obtain control over other-self, or otherwise control the situation causing anger.

Control is the key to negatively polarized use of catalyst. Acceptance is the key to positively polarized use of catalyst. Between these polarities lies the potential for this random and undirected energy creating a bodily complex analog of what you call the cancerous growth of tissue.

[MangusKhan]

Hey welcome back Adolf, big fan here! How's Heinrich doing these days? Have you found him?

Apologies if this was meant to be a serious thread, but this was just the funniest thing I've read in a while! I almost spilled my morning coffee laughing...

Granted that what ForeverEndless posted is true, these are actually serious questions. I do apologise for being insensitive though. I felt the gravity of the situation demanded a little comedic relief.

[YinYang]

Your "comedic relief" was fresh and much welcomed. If there is anything Carla taught us well, it's sense of humour. :-) Without it? Good luck in this maelstrom of confusion, whirling through space! It's infinity, an infinite array of expressions. I always marvel at it... in all walks of life.

[isis]

were you born on 4/20 again

[Infinite Unity]

why was foreverendless banned?????

[Plenum]

there was an spam-keyword list that was automatically triggered.

That was put in place after the massive spam wave that we had a couple of months ago.

I've lifted the ban, and already started discussion to have the list reviewed, to see if it's necessary anymore.

G

[AnthroHeart]

there was an spam-keyword list that was automatically triggered.

That was put in place after the massive spam wave that we had a couple of months ago.

I've lifted the ban, and already started discussion to have the list reviewed, to see if it's necessary anymore.

G

That must have taken some digging. I always disliked debugging and working with other people's code when I was a programmer.

Sometimes databases can be tricky.

[MangusKhan]

What if he thinks he's been banned on purpose, and doesn't return?

[Plenum]

there's a pop-up message that says a spam-keyword has been detected.

It was by no means a perfect solution, but the best we had at the time, because at one stage, there were 180 spam threads posted within a number of hours.

And this was recurring over days.

The number of keywords is actually under a dozen, the last time we reviewed it (I think) and very specific.  The filter also only applies to members with a very small number of posts.

But yes, he would have seen the pop-up on his screen explaining what had happened.

/ /

Clarification:

* spam wave was Jan 7-13.  My sense of time is way off!
* ForeverEndless has also been notified via PM of the error.

[einmal]