I'm not me

[im_not_me]

My wanderer story

Hi, there are an infinite number of ways I could introduce myself. But nothing compares to making new friends in real life and connecting with them on every philosophical level. It's difficult doing it with only one message for each of you. I want to express millions of things all at once, but it would take an eternity to sit here and type every semantic about the love and confusion I feel. I want to briefly tell you my situation on earth. I'm of STS higher density origin, however converting into STO. As a STS wanderer, my veil is privileged with diminishing quite easily within third density. It wasn't immediate incarnated from the higher density, because my conversion to STO actually has been what increasingly feels like long operation that will be finalised with this current lifetime. My most previous incarnation I was a privileged german. Alot of my past life times choices affected how my catalysts are being given to me in this present incarnation. I can proceed with current catalysts as either negative or positive and follow down anew catalysts from said choices easily. And to be honest, I'm nowhere near perfect in either regard nonetheless I'm no where near being service to self in this lifetime. I can evaluate how my choices affect me really easily. Its like counting up pros and cons of my emotions and their connotation to my blockages. As of now my life is sort of at a gridlock of some minute negativity and mostly positivity  but I am not yet past my 51% mark, and I'm still young in my mind/body complex. Right now my number one catalyst is learning how to treat my family better meanwhile completing my personal goals and desires without giving too much less. I strive to become wealthy to spend wealth with my friends or doing things with my family to make meaningful memories to use to emotionally progress and manipulate my blockages and giving away what money is left.

I believe that alot of STS entities on earth are making change in polarization to STO because of the harvest opportunity. Most my friends are STS, (I personally believe I knew each in my past life as we have similar tastes in satire.) and most my family is STO (similar tastes in goofiness but also similar weaknesses in emotional stressors). Since most my friends are STS, it's difficult sometimes of the times, we have to deal with each other faults and how each other have some unused negative catalyst and karma. My particular malfunction from blockages from unused negative catalyst is anxiety/paranoia and schizophrenia. I have it practically for life because I practically don't want to use the catalysts energy ever. It was command me and just bring me back to STS origin too easily. And since I'm not perfect I've slipped up before. I've hurt and damaged others along with myself in the flick of rages, angst and confusion. I've done some terrible things to people, even animals by accident, but never indirectly or directly killed anyone or an animal. I avoid eating meats really easily in fact. But as a teen ager I sure did love steak.

I'm certainly thankful every day that my STS practices and lifetimes are over although I do have alot of contempt, as well. My contempt has run a large portions of my love relationships to the ground. Now I don't practice dating and that area of my life I can't easily explain. I've had lovely sex relationships that were based both off dating and basic friendship, and come to terms I prefer never dating in those situations because some of my dating relationships were critical and harmful to my energy. Alot of the time I cannot discern whether I have true emotions or not... This is because I didn't in my past lives; But I do. I have painful dreams, they invoke emotions I love, but also hate. I also have rare occasional wonderful dreams. But they are often forgotten under the cold blanket of my medication I take for my schizophrenia. I had alot of specific healing for this incarnation that made me fall in love with nature as a child, but as an adult I've lived in an environment that is naturally lackluster and cramped so I could live better economically. So my touch with nature is out of alignment. I can easily meditate and understand the connection of the Law of One with everything in my life but it seems that until I find the right balance I'm not respecting nature as much as I want to be. I do drugs with no hesitation because as long as I'm not endangering something I'm okay with it. A sort of side bonus is it aids to shortening my life span in a way I cannot argue with. (On top of my medication) I do hash oil, cannabis oil, regularly and lsd, dmt, shrooms rarely. Still want to try ayahuasca but want to treat it as an remote, ritualistic and careful experience. As a side effect of one of my medications I am slightly sedated most of the time, this is due to me taking huge (I mean huge) doses of the extended release medication at night before bed (Sleeping most it off is really nice. Its the only way to really quiet my mind enough for sleep. Otherwise I'd get NO sleep.). My work life is pretty un-dedicated, and I definitely could step up with more hours and harder work but I really don't fantasize about money enough to pursue that, in fact I think humans are at the point where we should move on from it. It sure would help me remove some of my lasting negativity if money was remedied and abolished on earth. I would tell you my job but it is nothing impressive, and quiet frankly I'm nothing impressive, I just want to make changes and do my best to have done better for my fellow man. As I said earlier I do my best to make everyone my friend but that is not always something easy for me. I'm not as socially outgoing as most people are. I don't know how to dance. I never did well at parties as a teen. I find it most relaxing to socialise on the internet and social media like games. Some of my closest friends and I do most our talking playing online games or watching movies together. And yeah that's probably the most I've ever talked about myself online, and to be honest I do have a fair amount of anxiety even posting this so yeah. Also my name is Brian. Hopefully it's nice meeting you.

[Plenum]

welcome Brian!

Thanks for sharing your story.

[im_not_me]

Hi little update. I forgot to express my recent developments as well with my experimentation of staring into the sun and quieting my mind. First time I done such I had looked into the sun for 2 minutes and found my most active ray was blue, then green and as always red was visible in the corners. I practiced sessions of this for days. I saw teal the most, and then orange the second, and dots of indigo were always there. But more interestingly - It changed my mind so much in a way that made it easier to communicate with myself and others what was for the better, or what was something more illuminating about how the universe works in everyway to love us.
I found that I certainly was STO in past life however regardless I was a higher density STS two past lives ago. More into how this is an update I've moved into a new house with an STS friend with his girfriend thats polarity I can't identify. Alsobeen seeing the numer 4 more often. Randomly from day to day, it keeps reminding me 4 for some odd reason. I don't know if I can prove I'm a wanderer or not to you but through signs it's been proven to me. And I hope for what ever reason I'm here I'm doing it diligently and caringly.

A major correction I'd like to make and will edit is the third paragraph where I say I'm glad my "STO days" are over. I meant STS hope it didn't cause too much disruption.