(11-11-2013, 05:30 PM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: I too am concerned at how much I can be of service. I can't even meditate effectively. I've had delusions as well. Thinking I'm doing good, when I'm making a big mistake. Or Ra says there are no mistakes, only surprises. Tanner I've always seen you as a strong man, and have respected your views.

I like what you said "I also experience so much metaphysically in my physical body that it is impossible for me to identify solely with my current physical form." For me I can't get away from my physical body. Even in meditation, I don't go that deep.

My biggest lesson I have learned is that I have a tender heart, much like Tenderheart Bear of my avatar. My last real doubt is my self worth. I often do not know how effective my reason for being here can be. I too am here with the brothers and sisters of sorrow. I know what sorrow feels like. I am plagued with thoughts of killing my dog.

But then I realize I can be strong. No matter my external situations, Bashar says that circumstances don't matter. Only state of being matters. And that is what I want to remember in my daily life. Thank you for reading my words. I support you.

Forgive me if I sound down. I'm really in a pretty good mood. I've got lots of positive things I can meditate on.

(11-11-2013, 06:01 PM)primordial abyss Wrote: I was just thinking today about, where is that Tanner guy gone?
If/when I come out west again I'd love to chill.
I feel you.
Remember this; you're kindness seems to be that which you really wish to express. Maybe not now, but someday that will be noticed. The brothers and sisters which have rejected you will come to appreciate you. They may even try to hate themselves for what they've done to you, but will remember the kindness you showed them, the acceptance, and the self-forgiveness should hopefully come easily.
I have learned from you. Not 'truths', but 'ways of beingness', which have helped me to become more accepting of my meek character.
I have also held back. High amplitude rage, I have caused injuries to this body, energetically, internally.
They will remember you. Nothing is lost.

(11-11-2013, 06:41 PM)Tanner Wrote: Honestly, I think the ease with which I laugh is more often a social challenge than otherwise aha thanks for sharing your light.

(11-11-2013, 06:08 PM)Tanner Wrote: The strongest thing I think anyone can do is to be honest. In my experience there is nothing that takes more willpower than honest living. This world is full of shortcuts, full of ways to obtain power without any need to be honest with the self or others. You are a very honest person, and I have a lot of respect for you for that because regardless of what you are experiencing you are honest about it, whether you are in delusion or not. I think honesty is important to the heart.

Thank you for your support and kind words, I am here with you, and I hear you and honour you, my friend.

(11-12-2013, 11:14 AM)Icaro Wrote: I feel you Tanner. I can see contradiction and opposite viewpoints in everything, which creates unknowing. You seem to be describing the disciplined personality and the pathway to freely given love. I too seek to get myself out of the way, experience the rhythm, and let intelligent energy flow freely.

(11-12-2013, 11:35 AM)primordial abyss Wrote: TY Icaro, yes the passive radiator is an honor/duty.

(11-12-2013, 11:58 AM)Gemini Wolf Wrote: So is intelligent energy always flowing through us, even if we haven't opened up the gateway to intelligent infinity? I guess it responds to thought.

(11-11-2013, 05:12 PM)Tanner Wrote: I have been on this forum for a couple years now and written thousands of words on various topics through many different kinds of expression.

Today, I look at the forum and no words come to me, just a feeling of wanting to be there as a support, as a source of love. No matter the words I use, I know that the words themselves contain nothing except this feeling. The words themselves may not be at all what the people need, but it is the only way I know to express the feeling.

Some people come to me for readings and I ask myself, "What am I telling these people? Who am I and what right do I have to project my perception out to others? How do I know my own intentions are pure?"

I have been wrestling with this for some time, the boundaries of service. There is a part of me that fears the attempt to be of service because there is often times where I feel what I offer is not really of any value and that my philosophical and spiritual explorations are meaningless for anyone but myself.

There is another side to this fear and that is of my own ego and as I know my own propensity for big ideas I am often at war between what I feel truly in my heart and what others believe to be true, or even possible. Even more terrifying is when my heart and mind find themselves in agreement over my fantastical beliefs. How can I detect my own delusion if what is ridiculous to others appears to find rational footing in my mind? Can one only be rational when applying to themselves the consensus of rationality?

There are many things I do not know, in fact I would say there is almost nothing that I know. I have a mind full of ideas, characters, identities, thoughts, dreams, creations and all sorts of other things. What is real, of these? I cannot tell fully, because while I am very in tune with the here and now, I am very locked in to my body and present in my physical life, I also experience so much metaphysically in my physical body that it is impossible for me to identify solely with my current physical form.

I want to help, I want to include others in the story of my experience and be included in their stories. I want to be loved and to love equally, but all of these wants, desires and distortions aside there is really only one thing of meaning I have to say, and that is:

I am here. I am alive and I am real. I love you and I love myself.

Anything beyond that is up to you. It is your choice how I appear in your story. What role I play depends on what role you give me. Just as it is my choice to decide the roles all of you have in my own story. Right now, I have no roles for anyone, I am trying to let people embody and enact their own roles, whether that is in consonance or dissonance with my person.

Sometimes we would really love for this or that person to play this or that role in our lives, but not everyone is able to play every role as effectively as we would like them to. Sometimes people act the complete opposite of the roles we have applied to them.

I think when we step back and allow people to create their own roles in our lives we are allowing free will to reign and we cease to attempt to shape others with our will to match the roles we have for them in our minds.

This has been the biggest lesson to me recently, is that everyone and everything has to decide for theirselves who and what they are. I used to chase others around to get them to try and play roles which I idealized for them, but then I realized that if those roles were natural to those people then I wouldn't have to get them to be in them, they would simply be so.

So now I am working to spend less time DECIDING who is what in my life, and trying to simply OBSERVE the natural roles that everyone is creating for themselves and then seeking to learn the relationship between their own role and the one I perceive for myself. I have spent a lifetime trying to be likable, to keep all my relations positive, but I am realizing that in many ways I have denied parts of myself which are easily upset, aggravated and full of anger. I have always denied myself the expression of my frustration and impatience with others and the world because I have always felt it would be more damaging to express those things than to just be supportive. But now, I am being eaten from the inside out because of the self I have repressed for years, that I have refused to allow its expression through the blue ray and beyond.

I have tried so hard to walk in the light and further towards it. My last real doubt I have is my own loyalty. I have decided, however, that even if I am scorned, spit on, and seen to be ridiculous, insane, egotistical, or any other projection, I have to stay true to myself. So regardless of how hard my shadow fights to come out, I will not allow it to lash out at others or to make of them scapegoats or go out of control, but no longer will I hide behind rose coloured glasses.

I am Tanner Michael Hartmann, resident of Earth and Guardian of Eternity. I am a warrior of light and I seek to stand in the pure light of the One Infinite Creator. Though I will be tempted by darkness, the power of the shadow and the yearnings of misunderstanding and confusion, I will stand fast in my light and in my love, even if it means I am cast out.

As one of my dear mentors once said, "I am not here for you to like me, I am here to love you."

I am here to love you, and I may not always do that well, and I will surely make mistakes, perhaps even enemies, but my effort shall never die so long as my heart beats in this life and beyond.

I am here with you, my Brothers and Sisters of Sorrow, and all of those who dwell within the sphere. Know that there is at least one that cares for you, even if it costs him his life. I will use my life to do all I am able to allow our will to be free, as it was meant to be by the Creator that we are. I am with you, many blessings to you all, shanti.

(11-13-2013, 03:06 AM)Tanner Wrote: Umm, La Bamba?