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Life Cycles - Brittany - 05-20-2013
***WARNING, VERY LONG POST***
Also, I wasn’t exactly sure where to put this, so the mods can feel free to move it if you feel the need.
Today I was thinking about my progression over the years (spiritual and otherwise), and how my evolution has always seemed to come in very distinct cycles or stages. Some of these stages stand alone and others perpetually repeat themselves as new lessons are experienced and processed.
Lately I’ve been studying the 22 archetypes with a very talented and insightful individual, and comparing the cycles within the archetypes has caused me to view my own life cycles with more care. Today I felt compared to write down the understanding I have of these different life intervals thus far, both to share my self with you all and perhaps to get the chance to compare methods of development with others. I would be especially interested in comparing these cycles with the archetypes themselves. So without further ado…
STAGE 1 - DEPENDENCE
This stage took up at least the first two thirds of my life and encompassed my entire childhood. My beliefs and my conception of myself were entirely dependent on what my parents, teachers, preachers and other societal entities taught me. I was a conservative Christian because my parents were conservative Christians, and I had been raised to believe this was the right thing to be.
In spite of this dependence there were parts of my existence that didn’t seem to fit in with the boundaries I had been given. Psychic tendencies and a latent understanding of a “world beyond this one” caused a constant discomfort. Because I didn’t yet have the capability to question the concepts I had been given, I felt that I was defective in some way. This was reinforced by constant criticism and ridicule from my teachers and peers for failure to conform to what they deemed appropriate behavior.
A lot of self hate was present in this stage, and I attempted to soothe the hurt by trying even harder to conform- to be super normal, super religious, super helpful, etc. I had the idea that I could erase myself and replace it with something new- something that people would accept. I also immersed myself in a constant fantasy world, devouring science fiction and fantasy novels and drawing pictures of alien worlds, because at the time that was my only acceptable means of expressing the feelings inside that I just couldn‘t get rid of.
STAGE 1.5 - RATIONALIZATION
Somewhere in my teenage years my psychic perceptions started becoming impossible to ignore. At this point I was still unable to conceive of a reality that contradicted what I had been taught, and my inability to harmonize my experiences with my belief structure caused me to break down into neuropathy. It started out as little things at first- paranoia, depression, panic attacks- and eventually escalated into a full psychotic break. From the ages of about 16 to 20 I slogged my way through hallucinations, delusions and a general breakdown of my personality. I was institutionalized 23 times, most of them voluntary, because, with no way of explaining what was happening, I drew the conclusion that I was completely insane.
During my more lucid periods in those years I spent hours studying the DSM-IV, reading psychological profiles, talking to psychologists and psychiatrists and taking toxic medications, all in an attempt to find out what the heck was wrong with me and fix it. The medications shut down most of my higher brain functions, landing me in a desperate wasteland, searching endless deserts for some form of understanding. I was suicidal for most of this period, and I lost a lot of people I was close to because my perpetual psychosis scared them. It was a dark time, but it was this desperation that eventually drove me to stage 2.
STAGE 2 - QUESTIONING
I think the very first impetus toward me breaking from my dependent views was taking a world religions class in high school. Studying other religions objectively made me realize that people of other faiths weren’t the devilish evildoers I’d been led to believe they were. These seeds of change didn’t fully began to sprout until I was in college, however, far away from my parents, entirely responsible for myself, and faced with a much broader concept of freedom. The first college I attended was still heavily influenced by Christian ideologies, though, so my first tentative steps in a new direction were secretive and laden with guilt.
At some point I became interested in Wicca, since I had always been drawn to the idea of magic, though I had been led to believe it didn’t exist. The thought that magic was actually real and usable by ordinary people like me was too tempting to resist, though at the time I attempted to blend it with Christian overtones, as that fear of burning in hell was still pretty pervasive. I continued to struggle with psychosis during this period, but my sense of individualism was slowly growing.
After two years I decided to attend a different college back home, and it was at this point that the entire structure unceremoniously collapsed, over night. Suddenly the ideals I had been raised with were not only questionable, they were absolutely absurd, and I couldn’t imagine how I had held onto them so long. I would attribute this moment to the Lightning card in the tarot- that split second insight that permanently changes your reality.
STAGE 3 - REJECTION
My sudden independence caused a strong surge of vindictive emotion. Not only did I discard my previous beliefs, but I did everything in my power to become their antithesis. I got tattoos and piercing. I started swearing and having sex and doing a lot of (rather meaningless) rituals involving candles and wands and chanting. I even experimented with being an Atheist and defying the idea of divinity altogether. I felt a strong hatred for Christianity, trashing it at every opportunity and getting into pointless debates with other fanatics. This stage was rather short lived, however, as I quickly began to realize that a hole had been left by all that I had released.
STAGE 4 - ABSORPTION
Once the initial tidal wave simmered down, I became hungry with knowledge. I studied and experimented with several other dogmatic religions before realizing that I could no longer operate within the structure of organized religion at all. I then became fully aware of the “New Age” movement, and went to the library every day to devour everything I could on metaphysics and non-dogmatic spirituality. Almost overnight I became extremely interested in paranormal events and conspiracy theories, and also spent a lot of time reading about aliens, ghosts and government cover ups. I covered a very broad spectrum of topics, absorbing everything like a sponge, though my processing potential was still rather limited.
Some of the best material I initially found I wasn’t yet able to handle, and it took a couple of years of gradually grinding down the idealistic barriers that had been erected around my mind for me to begin chewing on something other than general fluff. I got involved with a lot of internet forums, one of which eventually led me to the Bring4th forum. Finding the Law of One was another groundbreaking moment that caused a lot of the other material I’d covered to finally synch up in my mind. Shortly after that I found the Seth Material as well, and these two volumes together caused an explosion in consciousness for me. It was like the Berlin wall coming down as insight streamed through with the force of a hurricane, becoming dizzying in its sheer immensity.
STAGE 5 - PRACTICE
Once I had established a new core set of beliefs, I was very eager to begin applying them. So eager, in fact, that I often got ahead of my own understanding, becoming over exuberant in my desire to serve. The urge to share every single thing I learned was strong, though my ability to process constructive criticism of my insights was very weak. At this point, I wanted to be the perfect idealization of what I believed in…right then and there. I didn’t want any flaws or distortions or misunderstandings. I felt that all my chakras needed to be perfectly open and crystallized and I needed to be out saving the world in order to classify myself as successful. There was an extreme sense of urgency, and I was perpetually followed by the thought that I was far behind in a race that was swiftly drawing to its close.
Needless to say, I was still very distorted and had yet to even begin to penetrate many of the deeper concepts involved in my belief system. I operated almost entirely on intuition, drunk on my own newly-realized power, and possessing a gullibility that caused me to believe that I would simply be pulled to where I needed to go, and that any intuitive impulse should be indulged. If someone seemed wise to me, I would believe whatever they told me, and if my own insights seemed clear, I automatically assumed they were correct and needn’t be analyzed further.
At this stage I also invested a lot of thought into the idea of psychic attack, and was sure that there were dark entities in every closet of my house, just waiting to suck me into negative space. I caused myself a lot of unnecessary heartache with that train of thought.
This over-expenditure of energy slowed my progress for some time, though there were also many advancements made as I took my first steps into actual application of what I was learning. I experienced a lot of activations during this period, that resulted in a plethora of interesting body sensations and mental perceptions. My reality became a magical place filled with wonder, and I felt a great sense of freedom, though I constantly felt that I was lacking in my attempts to serve, and was still insufficient in being somehow.
STAGE 6 - BURNOUT
After a while all of the magical feelings began to dwindle. I had basic understanding, but had not undertaken the much more tedious work the in-depth analysis that would yield a more refined wisdom. Instead of seeing this as a sign that new work needed to be done, I became discouraged and somewhat bitter. My new beliefs were supposed to bring me perpetual joy and cupcakes and rainbows, and instead I was still living a life where I felt socially isolated, hated my job, continually downed myself and saw violence and disharmony filling my environment.
This led to another period of deep, pervasive depression, and another rejection stage in which I responded to the lack of desired manifestation with defiance. Maybe Ra *didn’t* know what they were talking about. STS and STO are stupid. People getting excited and arguing about this crap is stupid and not worth it and I’m going to make up a better belief system…that’ll show them all.
In this period of spiritual vulnerability I became curious about “the dark side”, and tentatively but steadily I began to delve into Service-to-Self philosophy.
STAGE 7 - MEET THE SHADOW
My spiritual discouragement led me to gradually embrace more and more “dark” philosophies. Once again I was becoming the opposite of a previous personality, going from intense desire to serve others to an intense desire to contract myself. I felt that I had become dependent on the Ra Material and sought to spite this dependency, though my actions were still, ironically, based entirely on concepts I had picked up from said material.
At this point I also began to adopt a habit that became much more prevalent in a later stage- the assumption of a mystical identity to cover my utter dislike for myself. In this case, I became convinced that I had previously belonged to the Orion Empire, and formed “memories” of multiple lives lived in service only to myself.
My downward spiral was fairly quick. I grew cold and irritable and isolated, and studied in dark power. My natural gifts allowed me to gather a powerful negative aura about myself in a very short period of time, and I was doing things that I still can’t replicate today. I became convinced that I was destined to become an avatar of darkness. I found myself a teacher and we used each other to explore the concepts of control and manipulation. I also found several inner teachers who were happy to relay negative philosophy to a discouraged young mind, and only later would I realize how very, very close I came to becoming a mindless puppet to something that was *genuinely* dark.
This stage culminated in the dissemination of negative philosophy in the form of my channeling. This was the point where a certain individual I had talked to in the past realized what was happening to me, and chose to offer me the ability to clearly see the direction I was going in.
STAGE 8 - DEPERSONALIZATION
At my darkest, a person who is a close friend of mine now approached me and slowly, gradually, through great skill of thought, word and action, convinced me to step back from what I was doing and consider its implications. Just as slowly I began to realize this was not the path I wanted to walk at all, and at a certain point he was able to use his own magical skills to sever the bond I had created with my “inner teachers”. That moment was like stepping back into my own body after being gone for a long time. My “natural” mentality was returned to me, and I was filled with shame at what I had allowed myself to become.
My channeling became a lot lighter at this point, but I quickly lost my desire to continue it, as it reminded me too much of what an utter fool I had been (not to mention doing a number on my body complex). I felt crushed, humiliated. In my own eyes, I was the greatest failure that the world had ever seen. Not only had I been a complete idiot and played around with things I should never have even looked at, but I had also possibly influenced others in a negative way, and I had no idea how to make up for this damage.
I became so unable to accept my current state of being that I began adopting all manner of “larger” personalities. Any entity or archetype that I resonated with, I would draw their essence into myself, wearing it like a shroud to cover my insecurities. I became convinced I was Lucifer incarnate, and then that I was one of several special “chosen ones from beyond the octave” who had come here with some massive agenda. Several of my companions greatly encouraged these ideas, and I felt that we had a secret league of sorts. This empowered me with a sense of purpose in the face of feeling that I had nothing left to offer.
The previously adopted negative personality also began to surface in several different forms, ultimately becoming a highly defined thought form that I could interact with, even in a physical sense, leading me to constantly fear that I was under psychic attack. During this time, I *had* to be special. I *had* to constantly be wrapped in love and attention, or I feared I would simply be unable to continue my existence. My need for validation was so strong that I ended up straining some of my relationships with my clingy behavior.
I felt more powerful than I ever had. I felt like I was privy to special knowledge, that I could somehow operate outside the rules of the game. And then, in one night, that all came crashing down.
STAGE 9 - THE *REAL* SHADOW
My happy delusion was shattered when one of my best friends chose to sporadically end his own life. Only a few months before, I had involved him in my fantasy of being this negative entity. He had believed me, and become so involved in the fantasy himself that he experienced a psychotic break. I won’t describe the details of what happened here, but I realize it may have been a contributor to his suicide. At this point I realized the futility of attempting to blame myself for his death- he had struggled with deep depression for a long time and it was his choice, and his choice alone to make- yet this glaring reality was sharp enough to tear a massive hole in the fantasy world I’d been running around in.
For the first time in ages I was forced to look at myself as I actually was- weak, scared, dependent, insecure and ruthlessly critical of myself. In one powerful visualization I saw my shadow self as a great eye that stared into me with a complete lack of mercy or forgiveness, and I dropped to my knees and withered under that gaze.
I started putting great effort into “getting real”, and begin to exclude anything that didn’t have immediate practical application from my life. Negative entities no longer existed. Thoughts of higher densities were just fluff. There was a sense of tremendous responsibility, and often a feeling of life just not being fair. Everything, absolutely everything, always came back to me, and that seemed so hard. Still, I encouraged my friends to criticize me and searched myself daily for distortion, determined to be completely honest with myself, stop using defense mechanisms, and just take the pain with the faith that somehow it would help me to feel better.
I learned a great deal about myself during this time period.
STAGE 10 - BALANCING
I reaped a great deal of wisdom from my excursion into self-honesty, but I was still severely lacking in compassion towards myself. I still saw myself as a flawed novice, and no matter how much I intellectualized my need to like myself, I could never actually feel it. I still felt like I needed to make up for myself- to move beyond internal scrutiny and actually *do* something.
In spite of my desire to *do*, this was one of the most uninspired periods of my life. Most of my days were spent sitting in front of the computer, or even just lying in bed or milling about outside with no real objective. I couldn’t bring myself to write or draw or any of the things I normally find satisfying, and thought I literally thought up hundreds of useful projects, I barely instigated even one of them. This was largely driven by the fear that no matter what I did, it simply wouldn’t be enough- that I would always be a pathetic nothing who couldn’t even finish a book, much less help the world.
I became extremely lethargic, constantly plagued by fatigue and general bodily unease. Often simply driving to the store for food seemed like too much of an effort. My body was heavy as I processed such heavy thoughts inside of it. I also experienced a lot of disgust at humanity, and found myself unable to produce loving feelings for even many of my friends. There were plenty of days where I could do nothing but think of everything that was wrong with the world, and wonder if all of the harvest stuff was just a bunch of garbage and humanity was doomed to remain trapped in animal consciousness forever.
I spent a great deal of time just attempting to like myself, which usually only wound up in me making excuses for myself. It wasn’t until a specific conversation that I began to grasp the true meaning of unconditional acceptance. I was ripping myself in front of one of my friends, explaining in utter frustration that I just couldn’t see myself as a good person, and he said something along the lines of “Just accept that you don’t like yourself.” In that moment I realized that was it- forget all the *I should be_____*, I needed to just accept who I was. I needed to accept that I had low self esteem, that I felt hopeless and angry and depressed and all those other things, instead of simply trying my hardest not to feel them.
It felt wrong in a way, but that step was probably one of the biggest I’ve taken in my life.
STAGE 11 - MOTIVATION
Armed with this new perspective, I managed to accept me, just as I am, in a relatively short period of time. For the first time in over 20 years, I was completely okay with myself. If I didn’t manage to make harvest, so what? I was content with doing my best, and I now realized how useless criticizing and comparing was in the quest for spiritual growth. I had accepted the reality that I was still a novice in many ways in Stage 9, but now I was *okay* with that reality. In fact, I was excited about it. How amazing, that there was still so much to learn!
I finally had my motivation, and with that motivation, I was finally able to manage the discipline to start practicing all that I had learned in my accumulation of wisdom. Within the past few weeks, I’ve begun meditating regularly, practicing balancing exercises on a regular basis, changing my diet to something much more healthy, getting decent sleep and, most importantly, going through my day without a great big bag of guilt. The changes I’ve seen in just a few short days are remarkable.
My energy has returned. I no longer feel rushed- I feel like I have all the time in the world to do the things I want to do. A great many of my bodily distortions have vanished or greatly lessened in intensity, including the muscle twitches in my face that have brought me much discomfort over the past several years. I can look in the mirror and smile at myself because I’m completely okay with who I am, even if that person still has a great deal left to learn.
Because I love myself, I can turn this love outward to others, and carry a radiant aura. In turn, I see acts of love and compassion happening all around me, and the world is becoming a very beautiful place. I’ve released all secondary identities and accepted the honor/duty of being myself- my fullest, highest self that I can manage, and it feels absolutely wonderful. Regardless of which identities I may or may not have held at some point in my soul stream, I don’t feel the need to be a goddess or an alien or any other form of super advanced consciousness, because Brittany Fishel is capable of being really freaking awesome, though she is still very thankful for the many, many influences that have helped her along the way. At the same time, I’ve never felt more connected to the Creator, or to those around me. I feel at one with everything.
I’ve never felt this open, this *good*. Instead of giddy euphoria, I carry a perpetual sense of satisfaction and contentment. My emotions still flare quite dramatically from time to time, but it is so easy to balance them now, and I actually enjoy the process. I am no longer obsessed with magical power, yet I feel my understanding of this power is more balanced than it ever has been. I don’t have to prove myself by impressing people with psychic abilities…the real magic is in the vibration I carry. It’s being able to accept the love that is given to me, and return it a thousand times over. The magic is being happy and willing to live my life to a ripe old age, and to die with no regrets. Yet by accepting this, some pretty cool, unusual things have started manifesting as well, and I feel I am ready to begin undertaking *real* adept training.
I’m not trying to pat myself on the back here (okay, maybe I’m a *little* bit proud of myself)…I just want to share the joy I have gained through all these cycles of being. I’ve often heard people saying I should smile more, that I’m too hard on myself, that I seem like a depressive person, and I hope that by showing my process out of that mentality, I might help someone else who feels stuck in a rut.
Now that I’ve dropped the lens of self-criticism, I can look back on each of these stages and see what a beautiful, crystallized thing they are. I am grateful for the whole of my experience, and I can only look forward with great expectation to what is yet to come!!!
I’d welcome anyone sharing their own cycles of development.
If you count step 1.5 as an actual step, it's a 12 step program! lol
RE: Life Cycles - xise - 05-20-2013
Awesome. Thank you for sharing.
I'm not ready to synthesize a perspective on my own development yet. It feels like it's all happening so fast. But I will revisit this thread when I'm ready
RE: Life Cycles - Plenum - 05-20-2013
welcome to wholeness Lynn!
there's nothing quite like it, is there?
nothing to prove, nothing to fear, nothing to project ... just being able to be oneself, with one's current foibles, but being ok with it and still work on them, ... just 'being'.
getting up in the morning with few doubts, but lots of happiness about the interactions that will occur during the day.
its a form of 'full integration' into the 'earth experience' and the earth body.
and it's a beautiful thing. All of creation is.
- -
when you can continue to hold this vibration (or rather 'maintain' it) consistently and reliably, an enormous river of faith pours into your life. The universe is supporting you, encouraging you to be the best and most radiant individual you can be.
there's nothing quite like it. It's the real deal.
welcome to the 'joy density' as I like to call it
I'm glad you let go of the personas. I couldn't interact with you 'honestly' when you held those masks in front of the bright shining light that you really are.
WELCOME LYNN!!
RE: Life Cycles - GentleReckoning - 05-20-2013
Unfortunately, there's too many pieces of my puzzle that don't fit yet.
And I just finished my manic/depressive/schizophrenic break from reality. Gosh darn I'm glad mine only lasted a couple months. There was always the thought that it would be nice to completely let go as I would enjoy giving up all 'control' in my life, but in the end I there was always 'an out' out of all of the deepest delusional/depressive pits that I created for myself. As many recurring dreams that I had had as a child (prophetic?) occurred IRL during this time period I really don't know what to think about it yet. In the end I felt almost like a tourist exploring unfamiliar territory.
Right now, I'm just comfortable being nothing, playing video games. Doing what I can with what I have where I'm at.
I'm living with my parents, and they feel that everything about my spirituality is from the devil. Because of this I've opted to not do anything that my parents would be uncomfortable with. I'm content to simply live, work, and balance through life experiences. Once I've paid off all of my debt (hopefully in a year!), I'm going to simply move to wherever I want to and ease myself into a much more sacred life.
RE: Life Cycles - GentleReckoning - 05-20-2013
Forgot to mention that your post helped me understand what I seemed to have gone through in my life as of late.
RE: Life Cycles - vervex - 05-21-2013
I love stories with a beautiful ending! Thanks for sharing your path Brittany
I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain to realize how great you and the world around you are, but in retrospective it seems it was indeed needed. I wish you the best for the continuation of your awesome journey
RE: Life Cycles - Unbound - 05-21-2013
It has been a joy and journey to be on this rollercoaster with you, Lynn, never a dull moment.