(12-19-2021, 02:34 PM)SpookyFish Wrote: Hello, all

My spiritual awakening happened gradually over the course of a couple of years. One lovely paranormal event set the ball in motion and it's been building up exponentially since then. But I really would like to attribute the true beginning to a very dark time in my life. I had to be broken down in order to rebuild myself; a truer version of myself.

I was dating an abusive partner with narcissistic behaviors for five years. I became severely depressed and anxious. I started self harming and had attempted suicide. I was too depressed to hold down a job. I was addicted to smoking weed for a year or two. Honestly I can't even recall much from that time because I smoked so much every day. It's like a blur. One day I smoked and had a panic attack where I became hyperaware of myself and realized my addiction.

Over the course of several months I stopped smoking as much. I craved it a lot but weird things had started happening when I smoked, after that first initial panic attack. My body would freeze up without me realizing and I would be completely unaware that I even had a body anymore. And I would have these realizations and epiphanies in between bouts of extreme panic. Then at some point conspiracy theories began popping up in my head. I still to this day can't tell you if those were even my own thoughts or not. Anyways, bizarre stuff was happening, you get the picture.

So throughout all of this, I was agnostic. I wasn't sure if I believed in God or religion but I knew for a fact that ghosts were real so my mind was open. And one day I'm thinking pondering this stuff and decide to start doing some online research about different religions to test out the waters and see if there's something out there that calls to me. I take a pause from reading as I mull it over in my head, and suddenly I feel an amazing sensation completely out of nowhere. I felt a beautiful emotion in my chest that made me seize up in awe. In my mind's eye I saw a bright, white ball of light in front of and barely touching my chest. And I had the fleeting thought of Jesus. It happened very suddenly and quickly however, it's interesting that looking back at it now, it feels like it lasted several minutes long.

After that I was absolutely convinced God or an angel had touched me and I was sold. Feeling is believing to me and so that was really the first shift. Things slowly began getting better for me, little bits here and there. I got a job and started therapy. After a few months the therapist deduced what was happening to me as I had no idea I was even being abused. After a year of therapy I had the confidence to leave toxic things. So I ended my relationship and got a new job.

At the new job I met a wonderful person. She just kind of had this thing about her that you couldn't quite put your finger on. I felt radically different every time she spoke to me. I felt lighter, brighter, and energized after each day I worked with her. She eventually told me she practiced witchcraft and Reiki healing and I ate up every syllable of her words as she shared her practice with me. We had a moment alone one day as she drove me home from work and she told me she had felt drawn to me from the start and that she knew I was a healer. And it was like a lightbulb-- not lit up, but exploded. I knew that was who I am. Things started changing more and more for me after that.

The abusive relationship, although romantically over, had not completely ended at that point yet. But then I could finally see what exactly was unfolding before me. Each day was an opportunity to learn and grow. It was difficult, but I persevered. I feel like I've graduated from those life lessons and I'm now onto the next.

While I'm still depressed, I feel more alive than I ever have in my entire life. I'm a witch and Reiki healer and I can feel it deep in my chest that I'm fulfilling my life's purpose. And sometimes when I get really happy I can't help but look back at myself just a few years ago, when I was waking up and immediately sobbing because I felt as though I could not bare to face another day, and I feel such gratitude. I got a tattoo next to my self harm scars to remind me of the beauty and necessity that darkness has in life. I can look back at the abuse and accept, yes this happened to me, and appreciate what I got out of it.

I truly feel like I am living my life now. I see things differently. I'm amazed at regular daily occurrences. I have a fresh, childlike enthusiasm that makes my heart sing. Even on my depressed days (and weeks) I find something to marvel at. Like how crazy it is that millions of teeny tiny intelligent microscopic living things have created this larger living thing that I'm currently inhabiting. That just blows my mind.

Anyways guys that has been the gist of my catalyst event so far. Thank you so much for reading. I'm very happy to be here.

(12-19-2021, 02:34 PM)SpookyFish Wrote: While I'm still depressed, I feel more alive than I ever have in my entire life. I'm a witch and Reiki healer and I can feel it deep in my chest that I'm fulfilling my life's purpose. And sometimes when I get really happy I can't help but look back at myself just a few years ago, when I was waking up and immediately sobbing because I felt as though I could not bare to face another day, and I feel such gratitude. I got a tattoo next to my self harm scars to remind me of the beauty and necessity that darkness has in life. I can look back at the abuse and accept, yes this happened to me, and appreciate what I got out of it.

I truly feel like I am living my life now. I see things differently. I'm amazed at regular daily occurrences. I have a fresh, childlike enthusiasm that makes my heart sing. Even on my depressed days (and weeks) I find something to marvel at. Like how crazy it is that millions of teeny tiny intelligent microscopic living things have created this larger living thing that I'm currently inhabiting. That just blows my mind.

(12-22-2021, 04:16 PM)Steppingfeet Wrote: The tattoo next to the scar is, to me, symbolic of the way that our pain becomes an honored, transformed part of our journey.

(12-22-2021, 04:16 PM)Steppingfeet Wrote: I find myself not infrequently locked into melancholy, depression, and anxiety that cocoons of my own making born of the uncultivated, unmindful, habituated mental patterns. I've been contemplating and expressing thanksgiving of late as a spiritual practice, expressing gratitude for the mundane to the wondrous, including the "teeny tiny intelligent microscopic living things that have created this larger living thing that I'm currently inhabiting." : ) It is a key that opens the hard shut windows to let in the light, to reveal to the blinded eyes a truer picture of the world.