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The dream of internal struggle
Published by Louisabell on November 11, 2018 2:29am.  Category: Personal musings

 


Two nights in a row I have battled with my dreams. The same figures of my past, the same distortions, the same bad feelings of alienation and isolation replaying over and over again. I had reached the limit of my patience and out of pure frustration I became lucid. (I realise now a little more the efficacy of third density veiling. Constantly banging one's head up against the ever present chasm which separates us ... some would say it's enough to wake someone up.)

I grabbed the person in-front of me and shook her violently. I yelled at her “this is my dream, my mind, my rules”. She resisted, we battled wills, and I won. The fury of battle I knew too well - a vestige of having raised and been greeted by the shadow prematurely. The figures in my dream started co-operating, appeasing me as though they now recognised they were in my territory. Oops, did I just lose some positive polarity?

The landscape starting splitting, morphing into something off-planet. The figures in my dream, now anxious, asked me what was going on. I replied that the cognitive dissonance I had created in my mind was causing the backdrop to shatter. The dream would soon come apart, just as I had come apart with internal warring.

When I think of these distortions, I am reminded of my first LSD trip, during which I held and looked upon my beloved pet. So much love I had for this creature that I had the incredible realisation that the whole universe was created just for them. All atoms, electrons, quarks organised themselves in such and such a way as to allow this little creature the opportunity of experience, to be wrapped up in my lap right here and now, to love and be loved. I then redirected my focus to the person next to me and realised this was the same for them as well.

How can this be,
the paradox of unity.

Feelings of being connected to the place which you occupy, feelings that the Creator lovingly placed you exactly where you are for exact purposes, is something I'm only starting to integrate. In this life sometimes we wait for permission to have feelings of belonging, but these feelings aren't generated by others, they exist within us, just waiting to be triggered. Why wait for them to be triggered by eternal forces, why not find complete unity within the self?

Besides, who wants to 'belong' to any one place when there is so much more growth to be had, so many more manifestations to be explored? Extreme alienation experienced throughout my life-time is so crucially part of me. I would rather be sane and alone than crazy and surrounded, and of course it's given me a lot of time to think...


 



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Quasimofo(Posted on November 16, 2018 4:00 am)

These entries are very insightful, thank you for sharing :) Too much sanity + solitude isn't always the easiest to maintain for extended periods (from my experience at least), but more power to you if you succeed in its mastery. Regardless of new people/places/experiences, just being present no matter where you are without the aid of the old and familiar, or expectations of things new and exciting, can bring much needed peace to the soul. Mastery of Presence is, quite simply, the shit.

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Louisabell(Reply to Quasimofo on February 14, 2019 6:06 am)



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