For over a year now I have been one of those lucky ones who have found the peace, the rest, and the satisfaction, in one great source, and it is beyond my ability to express my real gratitude towards this.
I have ever since then been on a honeymoon with this source. All I see reading, studying, and attempting to understand it, is *love*love*love*. Such a bless it is...
Shortly after I found it, it was necessary for me to do an intensive work in the self. But then, it sort of calmed down, and got quiet for a while...
Now, I've been experiencing days and days of, once again, this same intensive study and work, as it was happening in the beginning. I feel an urge or a desire perhaps, to move forward on my path, and to deepen/widen my understandings.
There are two important parts in the material that has been of most importance in this current working:
The first one is the 46:14 session/answer: The catalyst, and all catalyst, is designed to offer experience. This experience in your density may be loved and accepted or it may be controlled. These are the two paths. When neither path is chosen the catalyst fails in its design and the entity proceeds until catalyst strikes it which causes it to form a bias towards acceptance and love or separation and control.
And the second one is the 15:14 session/answer: ...we can only say the material for your understanding is the self: the mind/body/spirit complex. /.../ The understanding, experiencing, accepting, and merging of self with self and other-self, and finally with the Creator, is the path to the heart of self. In each infinitesimal part of your self resides the One in all of Its power.
So, the catalyst offers an experience. The material for understanding is the self. And everything that comes up in the self is either to be loved and accepted or to be separated and controlled. (!!)
Well, there is lot of stuff that comes up in that self which is, mildly speaking, not so wonderful... But the main problem is that I seem to have developed something that I call an automatic shield system. It is an old, old self protection system that has been there since I don't know when...
It's like this: I have this vision of how I want to be, how I should be, and how I am (the not real am, not the actual am), and so everything that comes up on the surface of the self that is not aligned with this vision, gets blocked instantly by this automatic shield protection system, and it sinks down again in the depths, so it can not be seen, so it can not be heard, and not to be known... Well, this doesn't work, because sooner or later you find yourself being in the middle of these heavy catalysts hiting you from all over the angles, and you want to scream "stop"!
So, I've started working again.
It's pretty interesting to observe that when negative thoughts arises in the self, how quickly they become blocked by this automatic shield protection system. If some thought get labeled as "inconvenient", it happens in an instant, and faster than my conscious part of the mind have the time/ability to understand what this particular catalyst was about, *puff* - in a blink of an eye, it is blocked, and gone.
This shield has been developed by me, unaware of it's own creation and existence, in the past, and so far it has not failed me. It still working, and is loyal, but now I am trying to undo it's work.
I have to consciously, and with great deal of focus concentrate on what this shield blocks, and retrieve it back from the depths of the self, where it has just been sent to. Up to the surface of the self again.
It's quite a show to see how one part of the self is really struggling with objecting this process, because it really doesn't want to face whatever it was that was blocked, but really wants to reject, block, and separate the self from the self, and it is also quick in replacing the negative part with thoughts that are "appropriate".
There are layers upon layers of the self in the self, as you dig deeper and deeper down. And I have been working with some of the distortions in the beginning for instance, and I even thought that I was done with some of them. But it turned out that in the deeper layers of the self there exists yet another layer of the self that has yet not been revealed to the self, and understood, and this awaits my acceptance and... love.
What we think of ourselves, when polarity is chosen, is not always a match with whom we truly and actually are. And don't we feel ashame of ourselves, when we realise that we are not only positive beings? And so, the study continues, and it is then I see lines like this in a completely new light:
"Are you not all things?"
Yes we are... but the deeper understanding of this quote is quite a struggle to accept!
I understand it to be a lifetime work, and one can perhaps never be done, but already now, just in some short period of time, after this start, I have noticed some results.
Right now, in my main meditations I am learning to sustain a steady state of silence, or as Ra called it – the silence of the self when it is required by the self. When the door opens to the mind, there is a geography or geometry, as Ra called it. It means that each thought exists with an antithesis, located somewhere in the self. So it is for us to consciously to seek out each antithesis, and charge it with it's equal.
I have just started, and therefore, have not come to this geometry och geography yet. For the moment being I am just working with on simply seeing a map, a simple map; and I am struggling with taking all this defense system down, in order to see all that there is, in this map. To be able to feel the flow inside of me, without anything blocking it.
This shield system has been there for ages, working perfectly, protecting me (towards myself). And so, insh Allah, with some patience and love, peace and light, perhaps I will be one with this geometry or geography one beautiful day. But whatever happens or does not, it feels great that I have at least now an understanding of what I *desire* to do. Did I thank Carla, Jim, Don and Ra, and all the other entities involved in this magical workings during 80's? Oh! Several times! Goood!
Perhaps what I wanted to say is that all interactions, all relationships, all events, in short all things are sacred, or the One Infinite Creator. I realize it, but wish now to be able to get over the personal issues, or whatever obstacles that there are that blocks this radiation/realisation of the Creator, in order to offer this radiation/realisation of the Creator to the Creator, in my everyday life.
I wish to merge with this Infinite One.
And it has been a life long struggling/seeking for my part. This searching/looking has been central. And I do wish to say that this is what I have been looking for.
This is now found/understood. Still, there *are* blockages in the way of this radiation/realisation, this service, this honor/duty, and I have, oh, what a work to do!
With all the beauty and the love that I've come to see and experience, I hope to do some service in this world, in this incarnation, that would make it possible for me to give back all that I myself have been given. Which would make me to be able to aid the others on their path, to those who wish it, so that they too, can find what they are looking/seeking for.
In the love and the light, in the peace and the power, of our One Infinite Creator,