Published by Clareultimo on April 15, 2010 4:44am. Category: One Feeling
Have been thinking about the Bring4th Community a lot lately. Feeling very sad, maybe just very isolated, though there are tons of folks around me it seems. Most everyone around me now feels lost, confused, or just holding on.
Never have been comfortable saying out loud that I was despondent. It seems like a lot of self indulgence and self pitying to admit you are sad, but when others tell me they are sad, I don’t feel as though they are self pitying. I want to reach out to them. I wonder why I think that I am stupid for feeling despondent. I don't feel much compassion for myself, don't feel I deserve any .
The struggle is always with yourself. No matter what it looks like, there is really nothing else that has power over us, unless we allow it to. This allowance is difficult to see sometimes, but it’s there.
I've been feeling very disappointed in myself these days as well, so I guess being sad and admitting it adds to that. It’s honest, but seems pretty unenlighted to me. Maybe it’s being awake in NYC that I find so hard these days.I never believed this before, but a city like this, with all these vibrations floating around, is not an easy place to be (and I have been here all my life.)
I feel grateful, very grateful, that my partner Robert is awake, connected ; what would I do without him ? My little joke with Robert has been "Third density is just no fun"....we laugh. Maybe I just feel extra sensitive lately, feel very pushed out, as though the world has no place for me, doesn't want me. I know I have much to offer, but I am so lost. I have spent my life pursuing the spiritual, one of my biggest influences was Ra, and yet I come out of it, 30 years later feeling like a hole in space. Like nothing. Like I really mean nothing.
It seems, on most days, that meditating for the world is enough, that this is the gift I can give no matter what. But I must also confess here, that I carry a heavy heart too, as I feel so excluded from community, or maybe just marginalized in the "communities" I have been a part of. Or maybe the internet has not really made it easier.
Some days, no matter how much I know, how much I accept, I feel as though I have no purpose, and that it wouldn't matter if I was here or not. I'm wondering if anyone else who might read this has had the same experience, and if so, what do they think I’m missing here? What do feelings like this teach us ? What could they mean, except that I am just a fool, and not smart enough or strong enough to get past them?
Greetings Clareultimo,
Please receive my Spirit as I
extend a healing touch to your
heart that you may find
comfort, inner peace, and
whatever healing you soo
desire.
I'm reaching out to you in
response to this particular
blog in hopes of offering some
semblance of clarification and
support that may serve you
well in some way, though I
won't quantify how that might
be the case.
Your comments about your
current experiences have
touched my heart in a special
way, in that I recently moved
out of the NY/NJ area BECAUSE
of those very feelings you
described in your blog.
Since my teens I've wanted to
move from NY....far away from
NY. It was to be '84, then
'88, then 94, then '96, then
'99, then I was peeved 911
happened and I was STILL in
the area. Then it was 2002,
2003 etc.
Well, ALL parts of me got fed
up and tired of my promises,
wondering, concerns about
basic things like work, money,
housing etc. That things began
to get crappy for me in ways
that were clear messages
saying...."you DO NOT
belong here ...you MUST leave
NOW!!" What do we have to
do to get you OUT of this
area? And that was NOT a
rhetorical question ... they
were serious!!!....and my
responded was..."Give me
some ideas, show me a way and
I WILL leave...regardless of
how crazy it sounds and what I
have to do to make it
happen."
You see, I was experiencing
all the things you spoke of in
your blog...and more!!! I was
intentionally, purposefully,
and consciously speeding up my
own vibration, in addition to
what was going on in the
environment. I wanted to leave
the state. , but something
kept pulling me back...
therefore the ONLY way I knew
how to get out of a tight
situation was to "raise
my personal vibration"
The outcome of that intention
was having a huge impact on my
day to day life. In
essence....my life appeared to
be "falling
apart".
People around me were acting
strangely...quite hostile most
times for NO good reason. My
being non-confrontational just
made their annoyance and anger
so much worse. All sorts of
seeming negative things would
occur and....yes it's a crappy
feeling when your life no
longer flows.
I had to put ALL my knowledge
and skills to work to keep
depression at bay. I'd spend
hours upon hours meditating to
keep from slipping into a
quagmire of deep self-pity. I
had to remind myself to repeat
all my fav quotes as often as
I needed to hear them...I
carried them with me on index
cards at all times.
I felt alone, abandoned,
frustrated, lost...you name
it, I felt it... much like you
are feeling now. There was
only ONE very major thing that
keep me fighting for my own
salvation....my
stubbornness.... accepting
defeat in NOT within my
nature. I drilled into my
children's
head...."failure is NOT
an option", and now I had
to take my own medicine.
I can't say I came by all my
answers and realizations on my
own, I had help from several
sources: My Guides, Angels,
channeled beings. My
willingness to follow through
with recommendations even when
I disagreed with then, was to
MY benefit seeing as how
"I" was the one who
call on them for guidance,
info and assistance in all
decisions.
Finally last summer ('09) I
just couldn't take any more,
the energy in the NY/NJ area
felt sooooo chaotic,
hysterical, fast but
corrupted. It drained me day
and night, I was restless,
experiencing poor sleep,
eating habits, tired ALL the
time no matter what I did or
did not do...I was still
tired.
And all I kept hearing was
"jump, jump...you will be
just fine....JUMP!!! If you
don't jump NOW before
2011...all the easy
opportunities would have
passed you by...it would be
difficult" Added to that
were the dreams I had which
confirmed much of what I was
'hearing' in my waking
hours.
I meditated on my options for
about 3 months then coming to
a final decision. I walked
away from 2 business I owned
in NJ, where I lived for 18
years, after living in NY for
32 years. It was time to
go....time to leave that
chaotic energy behind. My
personal energy had shifted
and neither the environment or
people connection at large
complimented my existence in
the area. I HAD to leave or my
life would become a double
living hell!!!.
Immediately offers came from a
least expected places. One of
them being, my daughter asked
that I come live with them to
help with the kids as she is
currently doing her 1st year
residency and there is no way
her husband can handle 3 under
8 kids by himself. Once I made
the emotional and mental
decision to leave... all
things fell into place:
people, places, resources all
came together to make my
transition easy.
Now I live in a mid-west
state....and ever sooo
happy!!! Wonderful energy and
I feel so at home here...my
energy is still speeding up (I
can feel it) but now I'm aware
of all the subtly and am able
to work effectively with them.
I've made more spiritual
acquaintances in the past 6 mo
that I have in my many years
in the NJ.NY area.
In trying to keep it simple I
trust you are able to read bet
the lines. All this is to say,
maybe it's your turn to leave
that state. What would you
give up in order to have the
freedom to relocate to another
state. Maybe leaving IS the
ans, maybe not.... only you
and your Guides would know
that ans. Nothing a little
meditation and soul searching
would fix. I'm not saying
moving is the only ans or even
the ans for 'you'. It's just
some insight esp about the
NY/NJ area. If there is one
place I understand well it's
the east coast!!1
I trust this was of some
comfort to you, knowing that
you are not along in that
chaotic experience.
Love, Light...Blessed BE!!
RA
When I visit the area I get
overwhelm by the 2nd
day....that energy just isn't
conducive to anything good for
"me". Maybe it work
for others, but it doesn't for
me and I'd rather be far away
from the endless negative
feelings associated
with....
It has been years
since I've come on this site
(actually 2 years) and I
didn't ever see a comment
before now. If you get this,
and read it someday, that
would be swell.
You were so sweet to respond
and I am grateful to you for
all you've said.You were being
so kind and responsive and
trying to encourage me, which
I love. I'm thinking of
writing a blog here today
(it's Dec. 21, 2012!) and
maybe I can express myself
clearer there. Thank you
endlessly, though I don't know
where you are now. Your
kindness means a lot. Many
blessings always...
Clare
Bring4th Home Page
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