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Reaching Out
Published by Clareultimo on April 15, 2010 4:44am.  Category: One Feeling

Have been thinking about the Bring4th Community a lot lately. Feeling very sad, maybe just very isolated, though there are tons of folks around me it seems. Most everyone around me now feels lost, confused, or just holding on.

Never have been comfortable saying out loud that I was despondent. It seems like a lot of self indulgence and self pitying to admit you are sad, but when others tell me they are sad, I don’t feel as though they are self pitying. I want to reach out to them. I wonder why I think that I am stupid for feeling despondent. I don't feel much compassion for myself, don't feel I deserve any .

The struggle is always with yourself. No matter what it looks like, there is really nothing else that has power over us, unless we allow it to. This allowance is difficult to see sometimes, but it’s there.

I've been feeling very disappointed in myself these days as well, so I guess being sad and admitting it adds to that. It’s honest, but seems pretty unenlighted to me. Maybe it’s being awake in NYC that I find so hard these days.I never believed this before, but a city like this, with all these vibrations floating around, is not an easy place to be (and I have been here all my life.)

I feel grateful, very grateful, that my partner Robert is awake, connected ; what would I do without him ? My little joke with Robert has been "Third density is just no fun"....we laugh. Maybe I just feel extra sensitive lately, feel very pushed out, as though the world has no place for me, doesn't want me. I know I have much to offer, but I am so lost. I have spent my life pursuing the spiritual, one of my biggest influences was Ra, and yet I come out of it, 30 years later feeling like a hole in space. Like nothing. Like I really mean nothing.

It seems, on most days, that meditating for the world is enough, that this is the gift I can give no matter what. But I must also confess here, that I carry a heavy heart too, as I feel so excluded from community, or maybe just marginalized in the "communities" I have been a part of. Or maybe the internet has not really made it easier.

Some days, no matter how much I know, how much I accept, I feel as though I have no purpose, and that it wouldn't matter if I was here or not. I'm wondering if anyone else who might read this has had the same experience, and if so, what do they think I’m missing here? What do feelings like this teach us ? What could they mean, except that I am just a fool, and not smart enough or strong enough to get past them?

Bring4h, thanks for being here.

   2 Comments    Add a comment

Paradox13Greetings Clareultimo,
Please receive my Spirit as I extend a healing touch to your heart that you may find comfort, inner peace, and whatever healing you soo desire.
I'm reaching out to you in response to this particular blog in hopes of offering some semblance of clarification and support that may serve you well in some way, though I won't quantify how that might be the case.
Your comments about your current experiences have touched my heart in a special way, in that I recently moved out of the NY/NJ area BECAUSE of those very feelings you described in your blog.
Since my teens I've wanted to move from NY....far away from NY. It was to be '84, then '88, then 94, then '96, then '99, then I was peeved 911 happened and I was STILL in the area. Then it was 2002, 2003 etc.
Well, ALL parts of me got fed up and tired of my promises, wondering, concerns about basic things like work, money, housing etc. That things began to get crappy for me in ways that were clear messages saying...."you DO NOT belong here MUST leave NOW!!" What do we have to do to get you OUT of this area? And that was NOT a rhetorical question ... they were serious!!!....and my responded was..."Give me some ideas, show me a way and I WILL leave...regardless of how crazy it sounds and what I have to do to make it happen."
You see, I was experiencing all the things you spoke of in your blog...and more!!! I was intentionally, purposefully, and consciously speeding up my own vibration, in addition to what was going on in the environment. I wanted to leave the state. , but something kept pulling me back... therefore the ONLY way I knew how to get out of a tight situation was to "raise my personal vibration" The outcome of that intention was having a huge impact on my day to day life. In life appeared to be "falling apart".
People around me were acting strangely...quite hostile most times for NO good reason. My being non-confrontational just made their annoyance and anger so much worse. All sorts of seeming negative things would occur and....yes it's a crappy feeling when your life no longer flows.
I had to put ALL my knowledge and skills to work to keep depression at bay. I'd spend hours upon hours meditating to keep from slipping into a quagmire of deep self-pity. I had to remind myself to repeat all my fav quotes as often as I needed to hear them...I carried them with me on index cards at all times.
I felt alone, abandoned, frustrated, name it, I felt it... much like you are feeling now. There was only ONE very major thing that keep me fighting for my own stubbornness.... accepting defeat in NOT within my nature. I drilled into my children's head...."failure is NOT an option", and now I had to take my own medicine.
I can't say I came by all my answers and realizations on my own, I had help from several sources: My Guides, Angels, channeled beings. My willingness to follow through with recommendations even when I disagreed with then, was to MY benefit seeing as how "I" was the one who call on them for guidance, info and assistance in all decisions.
Finally last summer ('09) I just couldn't take any more, the energy in the NY/NJ area felt sooooo chaotic, hysterical, fast but corrupted. It drained me day and night, I was restless, experiencing poor sleep, eating habits, tired ALL the time no matter what I did or did not do...I was still tired.
And all I kept hearing was "jump, will be just fine....JUMP!!! If you don't jump NOW before 2011...all the easy opportunities would have passed you would be difficult" Added to that were the dreams I had which confirmed much of what I was 'hearing' in my waking hours.
I meditated on my options for about 3 months then coming to a final decision. I walked away from 2 business I owned in NJ, where I lived for 18 years, after living in NY for 32 years. It was time to go....time to leave that chaotic energy behind. My personal energy had shifted and neither the environment or people connection at large complimented my existence in the area. I HAD to leave or my life would become a double living hell!!!.
Immediately offers came from a least expected places. One of them being, my daughter asked that I come live with them to help with the kids as she is currently doing her 1st year residency and there is no way her husband can handle 3 under 8 kids by himself. Once I made the emotional and mental decision to leave... all things fell into place: people, places, resources all came together to make my transition easy.
Now I live in a mid-west state....and ever sooo happy!!! Wonderful energy and I feel so at home energy is still speeding up (I can feel it) but now I'm aware of all the subtly and am able to work effectively with them. I've made more spiritual acquaintances in the past 6 mo that I have in my many years in the NJ.NY area.

In trying to keep it simple I trust you are able to read bet the lines. All this is to say, maybe it's your turn to leave that state. What would you give up in order to have the freedom to relocate to another state. Maybe leaving IS the ans, maybe not.... only you and your Guides would know that ans. Nothing a little meditation and soul searching would fix. I'm not saying moving is the only ans or even the ans for 'you'. It's just some insight esp about the NY/NJ area. If there is one place I understand well it's the east coast!!1
I trust this was of some comfort to you, knowing that you are not along in that chaotic experience.

Love, Light...Blessed BE!!

When I visit the area I get overwhelm by the 2nd day....that energy just isn't conducive to anything good for "me". Maybe it work for others, but it doesn't for me and I'd rather be far away from the endless negative feelings associated with....


 Reply to this comment

clareultimo(Reply to Paradox13 on December 21, 2012 4:34 pm)

It has been years since I've come on this site (actually 2 years) and I didn't ever see a comment before now. If you get this, and read it someday, that would be swell.

You were so sweet to respond and I am grateful to you for all you've said.You were being so kind and responsive and trying to encourage me, which I love. I'm thinking of writing a blog here today (it's Dec. 21, 2012!) and maybe I can express myself clearer there. Thank you endlessly, though I don't know where you are now. Your kindness means a lot. Many blessings always...

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