Trish: This is the journal entry of my experience at the healing circle retreat conducted by Beatriz last month (mentioned in the Blogworthy entry above).
Sincerely, I do not know how I would begin to describe this weekend. The first word that comes to mind is powerful, but even that feels far too one-dimensional to fully encapsulate my experience. So perhaps starting from the beginning and working my way to the present is my most effective and efficient means of putting words to this event.
I have long struggled with low or inexistent self-worth. Feelings of self-hatred and self-condemnation go back to early childhood. I never tried to understand from where those feelings were sourced, mainly because I figured that I brought them with me into this incarnation.
As I grew older and experienced catalyst, I chalked up those moments of challenge to be reflections of my inabilities. “I had this experience because I am unable to [love/be loved/understand/be understood/etc.]” I could recognize my own part in catalyst, and I could grasp the idea that all is as it should be. But I lacked the perspective of co-creation, and I allowed immense wells of guilt and judgement build up within me.
In this incarnation, I have found that allowing that guilt/self-judgement to grow unchecked can lead to a vicious feedback loop of self-sabotaging behavior, which further compounds the guilt and self-judgement. Work in intensive group therapy and individual therapy sessions definitely helped me to find ways of coping with this internal dynamic, however healing the wound at the core of the cycle was never accomplished.
Flash forward to earlier this year when our dear friend Beatriz offered to share her self-healing practice with us over the course of a weekend. In preparation for the weekend, she recommended reading one of two books: Anita Moorjani’s Dying to be Me and/or David R. Hawkins’ Letting Go. I went with Anita Moorjani’s book and found so much inspiration from her experience and wisdom.
A central message of her book is that true living requires one to fully be themselves without fear or judgement. That message caused me to realize that I really do not know myself. I have seen myself through foggy lenses for most of my life. Hence, my assumed identity was based upon untrue assumption and judgements I held for myself. So before I could ask myself to love myself, I needed to actually get to know myself.
And that became my intention for the weekend: I will know myself. And through knowing myself, I can then take steps to love myself.
The hours leading up to the healing weekend were so sweet. We got to welcome dear friends from Vermont, Ohio, Texas, and Colorado into our home. We swapped funny stories over a shared meal. Just really jovial moments with loved ones.
We began the healing work Friday evening, with Beatriz sharing pieces of her own self-healing stories which were incredibly moving. After a bit of tuning and some logistical planning, we went our separate ways to adjourn for a night’s sleep.
Saturday was the day when the work really started to ramp up. I don’t mean to imply that this work was arduous, simply that it was the work we were there to do. Through a process of vulnerable sharing, each in the circle created a collection of statements meant to help steer the process of healing. It was through that sharing that I had yet another groundbreaking discovery: I could now pinpoint the exact moment in my incarnation when my low self-worth took root. It was an incredible realization that not only provided me immense insight but also genuine understanding for that catalytic moment so many years prior.
With intentions and new information in hand, Beatriz guided us through her self-healing practice. This simple process takes only 30 minutes, but those were some of the most transformative minutes of my life. I knew from the second we started that huge shifts were occurring within me. The tears began the instant I closed my eyes and did not stop until the process was complete. I, at once, felt reborn.
Beatriz gently concluded the practice, informing us that the healing was already in motion and that its results may begin to manifest in the coming hours. We shared a dinner and then separated once again for the night. As I laid in bed, my exhaustion was overpowered by my excitement. My being felt lighter than it had before. There was much more peace in my soul.
In my case, Beatriz was right about results. I woke up Sunday morning without a negative thought about myself. This is truly extraordinary as my mind’s baseline processes have been chronically mired in self-judgement and self-hatred prior to this experience. Imagine my disbelief when I went to bed that night without having witnessed a single hurtful or unkind thought within myself that entire day.
And that healing continues to this day.
Again, I cannot fully explain how remarkable this weekend was. I am a more fully realized entity now – one who is loving herself as she discovers her true nature. I will forever be grateful for Beatriz and her sharing of her healing practice. I will forever be grateful for the other-selves who helped co-create this healing circle and shared so vulnerably their own desires for healing. And I will forever be grateful for the catalysts in my life – even that one experienced so long ago and that had such an impact on my ability to love myself. 💙 Trisha Bean