1 Hallucinating the "X", an Introduction
2. Resistance and the "X"
One of my earliest experiences of going through the X occurred while I was listening to a piece of imporvised music I had just recorded. I felt an incredibly disturbing darkness envelop me that seemed to shatter the very foundation of my being. A word surfaced on its own whose definition I did not know at the time: Diminution. When the darkness passed, the world about me was transformed into a profoundly mysterious place, infinitely rich with hidden meaning.
There typically exists a form of resistance between an ordinary and a higher state of mind. Otherwise, the mystical experience would be shared by many. One of my earliest dreams that expressed this showed me driving my car in an endless freeway that was parallel to another freeway which seemed to represent a higher dimension. I was one of the few who wanted to exit my current freeway to enter the higher one. As I steered off the exit ramp, the road became incredibly bumpy and dangerous, and at the entrance to the next freeway there were snipers that shot at all those attempting to merge into the traffic.
Ra, in discussing the 4D harvestability of a 3D entity, said: "To cross that threshold is difficult. There is resistance at the edge, shall we say, of each density." Breaking through to a higher state of mind while in 3D is similarly difficult. One could say that such resistance is an archetypal pattern underlying spiritual growth in general.
The X depicts this difficulty because one's traversal must go up through the ever diminutive intersection of lines in the middle. I have quite often had the uncomfortable feeling of being compressed before reaching a higher state of mind, one that seemed to squeeze the ego out of me before I finally slipped through what felt to be the tiniest of portals. This is sometimes accompanied by a momentum that seems irreversable, but even after the higher state is reached there is the very real risk of stumbling and suddenly experiencing an excruciating drop in spirits, not unlike being torn apart by the effects of a black hole. Selflessness is the key in such scenarios, so that like a ray of light one smoothly speeds through, and the bloating of the ego is the equivalent of the sudden attainment of mass, to be ripped apart by impossibly powerful forces.
Attaining selflessness can also be expressed as a loss of self, or the stripping away of those aspects that are unnecessary or superfluous with respect to one's spiritual path. In many spiritual teachings, giving oneself up in humble sacrifice is a central theme behind transformation. In session 94, Ra said: "All things in manifestation may be seen in one way or another to be offering themselves in order that transformations may take place upon the level appropriate to the action."
Artists, writers, musicians, and other creative types sometimes go through periods in which their creativity is blocked and inaccessible. An inspired state of mind itself can be considered a higher state in mild form; after all, my own mystical states evolved out of my creative states over time. Thus, to reach an inspired state, the laws inherent in the X pattern also apply.
Most creative people know all too well that they can't force an inspired state to occur. Indeed, the harder one tries the more difficult it is to reach a break through. That is because the ego has been bloated and hardened with the desire to succeed, whereas reaching the center of the creativity-based X demands a diminution in size, a form of micro-simplicity and child-like playfulness. This kind of carefree going-with-the-flow is difficult to achieve especially when the artist has high goals to materialize her/his specific, farseeing visions and this turns into a balancing act that can get quite tricky, for the blend of energies required are almost paradoxical, being both serious and playful, carefree yet ambitious, etc.
After building up the intensity of focus upon the goal of finding inspiration, however, when and if one returns to a state of selflessness, or, better yet, a state of complete resignation and of giving up entirely, one often subsequently slips into a most inspired and potentially productive phase, as long as the ego in turn does not dwell on its sense of defeat. I cannot recall how many times I have returned to work on Monday morning after a frustrating weekend of trying to find inspiration, only to suddenly get flooded with ideas relating to the failed creative project as soon as I resigned myself to the start of the new work week. The effect is like a psychological slingshot. Thus, now when I find myself stuck in a creative block, I keep telling myself to die to all my aspirations. Only when this occurs does the fog begin to lift, and my creativity resumes its steady flow.
The compaction / compression of the X in the middle also suggests, as in the case of the eye of a hurricane, for example, that there is an intense amount of energy involved just outside or surrounding the tiny portal. The tiniest imbalance suddenly results in an interplay with these intense forces; one can potentially be propelled into the darkest of moods at the slightest misstep. It is as if one's distortions were magnified under a microscope.
In the early stages of my spiritual path, I used to experience the drop after a high period so often, that I believed it to be simply part of the game. Over time, I realized that the turbulent oscillations were not necessary and they were avoidable by adhering to various disciplines of the personality such as finding balance, keeping the ego trim, and retaining a positive perspective. Even to this day, however, I am extra careful. When I am close to reaching a higher state of mind I try to remain solitary because the slightest argument or feeling of guilt that arises from a conversation, for example, can have dire consequences psychologically. The effects of normal, everyday catalysts are intensified dramatically.
On the other hand, the intense interplay of forces could possibly not only sweep one into a state of heavenly bliss, but also propel one towards faraway, unchartered psychological territory that could be quite bizarre and never to be experienced again. It is very similar to being picked up and thrown a long distance by a hurricane.
As is commonly known, finding balance, losing the ego, and achieving selflessness are all goals found in most spiritual teachings. With respect to the X pattern, this is due to the necessity of slipping through the tiniest of psychological portals and retaining stability in the midst of intensified forces.