I was wanting to write something metaphorical here, but I'm really too tired, and I feel like the experience I want to convey speaks for itself without any fancy wording.

Tonight I went to Carla's channeling circle. There were about 20 people there- way more than the usual 5 or 6. I was somewhat nervous about channeling in front of that many people, but I tuned up just like normal and was ready to dive into it.

As the contact went around the circle, everyone was performing wonderfully, holding the channel very well. Then it got to me, and almost immediately I realized that something was off. I'm not sure if it was just my apprehension or the fact that there was so much energy condensed into the room, but I couldn't focus. I stumbled around for a bit before quickly passing the channel.

All I could think about afterward was "I failed." I suppose my pride had come into issue here again- I was wanting to look good in front of all these people and impress them...NOT the type of attitude that needs to be displayed by a channel. The important thing is getting the message out there, not being recognized for doing it. I found myself being jealous of the other channels who had done so well, and I felt guilt creeping up on me. I felt like I had contaminated the entire channeling- that anyone who read it would be put off by the interruption that was my attempt at maintaining the contact.

After it was all over everyone tried to tell me I did a good job, but I was too busy swimming in my own self doubt. I even began wondering if I should keep channeling at all. As we moved into the kitchen for snacks, a fit seized me. If you imagine a person having a seizure and a Tourettes attack all at once...that's pretty much what it looks like. I had spent all that time building up all that energy and putting it out there, and my own doubt and self-judgement had caused it to spin out of control and rip a hole in my aura.

I HATE for people to see me have the fits. Usually I can control them to some degree, either minimizing the symptoms to the point where most don't notice them, or just staving it off until I get home. My husband is the only one I don't try to hide it from. But this one was too strong, and I couldn't control my body or the random sounds coming out of my mouth.

No one, not a single person, freaked out. Everyone simply did their best to help. They watched me writhe and grunt without the slightest shred of judgement, and once it was over, everyone pretended like it hadn't even happened. Several of the people there held my hand through the entire ordeal, talking me through it, encouraging me to breathe slowly and evenly. It was an incredibly humbling experience, but it also makes me proud to have these people as my family. I am so infinitely blessed...

If all of these people could look at my actions without judgment, why should I judge myself? Aren't we all just in this together? All we can do is help each other out.

Thank you so much Gary, Romi, Renee, Fox, Steve, Lorena, Carla, Jim and everyone else. You are all angels in disguise. With your loving support, I think I can try harder to make my way through the storm without fear and doubt. God bless you all.

It has been a major lesson in my life, to learn to just stand back and watch, and let each follow their own path at their own pace. It twists my heart to see one of my close friends who wants to badly to be in the light not only losing positive polarity, but gaining a great deal of the negative. I want to shake them and yell "Don't you get what you're doing?!?" But that's just pride speaking. It isn't my right to try to change someone or offer beyond the most bare bones of counseling when it isn't asked for.

I was in those exact shoes not too long ago at all, and I know that, at the time, nothing anyone said to me was going to make a difference. I had to figure it out for myself. It was reading the consequences of my own actions that put me back on track. Sometimes people just have to learn the hard way, but it still hurts, to see a mind so consumed by anger and pain that controlling others becomes a viable option. Anything to make it stop, right?

This is one of the hardest tests for me- to live and let live. To not jump onto anyone else's path and try to push them in the direction I think is best. If this friend was being physically attacked, I would defend them. If they were about to take their own life, I would try to stop them. But messing around with polarity? That's what we're here to do. So I watch, offer my opinion when it is asked for, and try to have faith that it will turn out for the best in the end.

It's still hard.

These days I feel like I am stuck on a merry-go-round, with maliciously cheesy organ music playing as everything spins faster and faster. The horsey goes up and down, up and down, making me want to regurgitate not only my lunch, but the mountain of experience that has become overwhelming to me.

It seems like every time I feel I'm over the hump- I'm finally able to see the beauty in the world again- something has to happen to muck it all up. I feel like I'm constantly, continuously being tested wth no letup. I understand what a valuable opportunity this period in space/time is in regards to polarization, but I honestly wonder how much more of this nonsense I can take. Such silly, stupid things keep popping up that I'd really rather not deal with. I'm wanting to hone my focus in like an arrow, but random anomalies in this happy little routine I've cobbled together keep prying at my pants legs, begging for my attention.

I'm really getting tired of all the lectures. I KNOW I've got issues when it comes to dealing with this thing called life. I KNOW I've got chunky globs of who knows what clogging up my chakras but damn, I'm doing the best I can. I spend every second of every day giving it my all, but I can't help feeling like there's something I'm just not getting, no matter how hard I try (or don't try...I've given that whole I don't give a fark mindset a shot as well). WHY can't I just be happy with what I have? I've got it a million times better than most people out there. It makes me feel like a greedy old miser, not being satisfied with a life that compared to many is blessed.

In the end, though, I'm tired of pretending that I like it here. Earth is fun, sure, but I just want off the merry-go-round at this point, before I hurl all over the place. Somebody get me a barf bag, an asprin and a century's long nap.

Lately I feel as if I have been figuring out what my purpose here is. It's something I've always wondered about...I know everyone has a specific, unique path, and I wanted to know what mine was. I think I'm starting to figure it out.

Basically, it seems to be to muck things up. I'm here to question all the answers, and see everything from a new angle- usually upside down and backward. I've never been one to simply accept information that is fed to me- I always have to go out and experience the evidence for myself. I am a sensory learner- I learn by DOING...and no theory is acceptable to me until I've researched it to the point where I feel the evidence is adequate enough for my system of processing things. Words and labels mean nothing. I have to *feel* it in every atom of my being.

I always want to know more, more, MORE. I'm always asking why, why, WHY. I was born stubborn as a mule, and to this day remain obtusely headstrong. Quite often I've gotten into trouble for saying whatever was on my mind, and I've often found my raw honesty has hurt people.  I tend to do whatever I want to do, go where I want to go, and let the consequences fall where they may. All for the sake of truly *knowing* what I believe...for knowing that I see and understand something in a way that truly resonates with my own vibration.

I am not ashamed of who I am. Every equation has outliers. Every spectrum has its extremes. I am proud of the fact that I was brave (or foolhardy) enough to walk a lonely path, and to load myself up with physical, mental and spiritual sensitivities that make me stick out like a sore thumb just so I could get a very specific job done. I like being the rebel.

But honestly, sometimes I just want someone to talk to who truly *gets* what I am saying. I have never been able to constrain myself to one particular system of belief or behavior, so I tend to deviate even from the opinions of the people who are on relatively the same page. I've grown so tired of arguing and debating...I don't have the energy for it. It just seems so senseless to me, going round in circles with people about things that don't really matter. I'd prefer an argument as much as I'd prefer to stick my hand in a jar of acid. However, it seems like no matter who I talk to- even close friends and fellow seekers, my opinion is always the rough, jaggedy splinter sticking up from the smooth wooden floor of group consciousness. I'm always a little too different, a little too far out there for anyone to be able to crane their neck to the obscure angle that will let them see things from my point of view.

I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of people I feel truly free to express myself around. There are many whose company I enjoy, but I can never seem to completely adapt to any group consciousness. I can never settle and merge. I can never stop finding new angles to view things from. If I see a flaw in any given system, I tend to immediately start making up my own completely on improv. I will charge forward, tossing aside beliefs as soon as I've found something I like better. This disposition is generally not approved of in the society I've grown up in. They call it things like "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" and ADD.

I've had fantasies of a whole memory complex of people like me- rebels who bend the rules and spray paint rainbows on the billboards of the universe. I have a hard time not focusing on the fear that I will always be odd and abrasive, even as an enlightened being. But then, nobody else can do the job of being me. I guess I just have to carry on.

This love is pouring out of me,
like raindrops, like shadows,
the good and the bad, oh,
what's the difference?
What is the inference,
that there's a world to be feared,
a battlefield cleared?
That the ones who treat me well
are the ones I should hold dear?
How can love have a time and a place
when each molecule in space,
each creed and each race
reflect the infinite beauty
of the One Creator's face?
When the lowliest of dark,
crawling, hateful, brawling,
captivating, enslaving
and badly behaving    demon
is nothing more than yet another
example of flawless grace?
You think this is a mistake?
I will not give into hate.
I will not keep grasping
at what questions I should be asking,
negativity relapsing,
when I could just throw it all down
and stroll around town
and greet each second with a smile,
and see God's beauty mile after mile,
and not care about who is this label,
and who is defiled,
and what or what not is accepted...
who's to say what is expected,
if anything
except whatever the future brings...
an endless amount of wondrous things.
I can't turn my back
I can only dive
deeper into a world
where every second is alive,
where each moment survives,
and it's frantic, chaotic,
tugging in every direction,
rapidly swelling affection
that cannot be put into words...
things we know that we never have heard,
things that may seem absurd,
but in the heart we know they're true.
These things are me and you.
These things are who we are and what we do.
I'm so full I can barely contain
these thoughts I can't explain,
these joys I cannot name, the realization that
good, bad, up, down, left, right,
they're all the SAME...
that it isn't a test, it's a game,
and we're playing it,
kids in a schoolyard, skipping around,
this is our school ground.
This is where all we seek can be found,
right now.
Don't ask how.
Just dive with me
into all that can be
and you'll see
you were never blind.
You are always free.