My one place to share my thoughts, mostly on my personal experience.
December in review
Published by B61zz13 on January 6, 2017 3:47pm. Category: Journal Entry
No fancy way to start this entry. It's been an interesting month, changing gears and facing certain catalysts of a different sort. Prior to ending my semester at college, I asked a couple of other girls for their number and to see where things may go. I hope to set up some dates with them. It's unfortunate that I can't meet them all too soon, simply because I asked a handful of them out. I'll have to plan accordingly and prioritize whom I prefer going out with.
I flew from home to visit my parents in Miami. In fact, I'm still here in Miami until mid-January. I decided not to drive here, and left the car with my roommate. I didn't feel like driving for 12+ days, from and back to California in total. Gas prices haven't lowered during the winter months, which is a surprise. Everything pointed to me taking a plane, and thus was a more favorable choice.
Adjusting to staying at my parents was a bit rough at first. Not that there is dysfunction and chaos in the household, but sometimes I found my mom annoying at times. I don't know, something like that. Either way though, most of that tension was internal and rather a sign that I was trying to adjust to my new surroundings... or maybe I'm just rationalizing lol
Anyways, I'm convinced that the Mercury Retrograde brought great catalyst to deal with and filter down the roots of my mind, body and spirit. A small moment in this big universe but nonetheless helpful. Not much need to go in depth of this phenomenon.
It's been really harmonious in the household, with my parents and younger sister. It's a very different feel, compared to last year. I allow my mom and dad to be themselves more and more, and being like a mirror and a sounding board to them is really comforting. It's not that this is all a conscious exercise or that I'm doing this forcefully, but I know I've done a lot of growing this past year, and it's definitely having a positive effect to those around me. Can't be short of humble here.
I've been diving down the oceans of consciousness each night, questioning myself, "Who am I?" (it sounds cliche, but it really is helpful). The more and more I journey on, the more am I convinced that this has to do with polarity less and less, at least for me. As Ra said, "...there is no polarity, no right or wrong, no disharmony, only polarity" (Session 4.20) (funny how the digits "420" have been appearing more and more synchronistically). I struggle less and less with the idea of being more service-to-others or not to be too compassionate or wise. Of course, it's all a balancing act, and we will always be thrown into a mess of imbalances and feeling a lack of one essence over the other. However, all of that comes with the present moments, the "now". I'm starting to see the distinction of darkness and light far easier, most certainly, but more am I realizing that these two sides are of the same coin. I find no fault in those who choose STS over STO. It's just as viable as choosing the latter. It's not even something I can just rationalize, but rather feel in my heart. I accept it all.
The few things that have been confusing me more is, "what inspires me now?" I know what I want as any profession, yet I know there are other things in life that I wouldn't mind getting a detour through. I'm in that weird phase where I should plan my future goals and endeavors ahead and no matter what, go along with it despite any doubts I may have. That's what I intuit.
What's to come? Well, either I go back to school or take a last shot at going back in the military for a few months, maybe even more. Whatever I choose, I know I shall choose well. Aside from that, it'll be all is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on December 16, 2016 9:54pm. Category: Journal Entry
Okay, first with the minor updates. I bought a diary so I could handwrite my thoughts throughout the course of the day. It's really handy for making to-do lists as well. It's just something I slightly prefer over doing it on my phone, despite how sophisticated mobile apps can be. It's a good stress reliever to press down on my diary with my pen and release some tension that way. I'll keep mostly broad, but major updates posted here from hereon out. My dream log will go on my diary as well... I think some of the dreams I had are not safe for work to share, so that's also the best course of action hehe.
I'm almost done with my classes. I'm not too optimistic of my grades for my Biology and Music class, and I might have barely passed my Communications class, but alas I held on the best I could. Just two more finals left...
I'll be flying to Miami to visit my parents next week. I'm pretty glad, mostly because it's the end of the school semester and feels like a much-needed time to relax and at least focus on other aspects of my life, such as family and being of service in other ways.
Speaking of stress, stress, and more stress, I took a look at the biorhythms graph to see if there was any possible connection to the recent catalyst I've dealt with. Lo and behold, a coincidence has been found... a rather useful resource, on top of that.
Today has been rather rough, and some of my earlier diary entries unfold these difficulties in a gradual manner. The "physical" and "adept" cycle cross at 0% as of today. Essentially, I've had to deal with some catalyst revolving sexual dynamics and whatnot. It's been rough, confusing, and a lot of entanglements. I've been getting better at becoming more composed and working around roadblocks, as they've been numerous this whole month. I'll probably cover more later on.
If you're interested in looking at your own biorhythm cycles, go to:
It's really neat and it's a little inconvenient that this nifty tool is not stickied or posted close to the front page of this website. Nonetheless, give it a try and see how they fit in your life. You might find some relevance in it
Aside from that, I've just been finding it really interesting how time has actually been feeling more and more slow... or at my perception of it. It's like I've been going through so much lately that when I look at my earlier diary entries or even my blog posts here, it's only been like a few days since I last went to the gym or even a little over a week posted on this website. It's so easy to feel lost and get derailed by constant bombardment of catalyst, that we fail to forget that it's only been a few days or even a week that we've done great strides, even if it's just "doings" in our lives. I definitely do this quite a bit, and I'm glad to have a handy dandy diary and this blog to help me ground myself.
Rule of thumb: keep track of what you've done throughout the day, from as small as checking your emails, to making important phone calls. I look at "The Camelot Journal of L/L Research" on the blogs section and I find it a great tool of reference to follow. Anyways, things are looking a bit more hopeful now. I can feel it. It's just a little, weary smile on my face. Alas, it's still a smile. All is well. Nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on December 5, 2016 11:32pm. Category: General
November has been about taking action and breaking from the mold, in some ways. I started some new habits, removed some old vices (or what was thought to be vices) from my life, and looked to improve in a number of other ways as time went by. It was a strong contrast in comparison to October, in terms of external action and what I chose to manifest into waking life.
As time went by, I have made some thoughtful discoveries about myself, some which hid in plain sight... under my nose all along. I thought about some of the times that my mom made mention of me and my “lack of friends”. I would be dismissive of these statements, taking them as an offense of some sort. For some odd reason, I realized that my connections with others was hardly evident, and the lack of friends seemed very apparent. It didn't come in the form of loneliness or desperation for the need of others in my life, but rather in the daily congregation with other classmates. I feel a very distinct barrier between me and others whenever we talk. It's not the exact words that are spoken or even non-verbally communicated that is what I'm emphasizing on, but rather this feeling I have... the feeling that the other students around me want to engage with me further, but they seem to not be able to follow up with me.
I spoke with my mom about this and it really did help me bond with her as well, while trying to figure this whole conundrum. I'm still working on it, actually.
Well, I didn't want to go overboard with this summary and just wanted to keep it short. Staying in shape, finding new discoveries, and doing some “house cleaning” has been the summation of November. I'll be looking forward to December and, well, life itself. All is well, nothing is lost.
Just take it easy and let the Creator find the remedy
Published by B61zz13 on November 19, 2016 12:42am. Category: Journal Entry
Last night, I was having shortness of breath... you know, that feeling where you feel like something takes your breath away, in the literal sense that is? It came to me at a seemingly random time (although not the first time I've experienced it), and it's been a while since I've experienced it. I was somewhat curious to find out about this phenomenon and it's come down to this:
1) it's a symptom of an anxiety attack or subconscious, emotional turmoil manifesting into a physical symptom;
2) backflow of blood from the lung to the heart again, heart disease, silent "heart attacks"; or
3) too much oxygen in the body
I'm more inclined to believe that it was a mixture of #1 and #3 and nothing too extreme such as having a heart attack in my mid-20s (I've heard crazy stories like that before, but I doubt it being plausible to my situation). I knew that I was having some form of emotional conflict within myself from earlier. As a "remedy" for the moment, I took slower breaths and just calmed myself... and let go of any sense of control and attempts of control over the situation.
I felt the lack of love flowing through me and out to the world. I just sat in silence and relinquished... and surrendered any attempts to find a means to control the situation. I knew that how I was in my Biology class was not entirely loving. Very serious, yet not a splash of love and easygoing present. Just heaviness, although that heaviness was somewhat necessary as catalyst. All I did was let it all go and let it drip off me. It was very healing for me, to sit with myself and let the Creator back into my life like that.
Aside from that, I did some cardio as to lessen the chances of having the shortness of breath come back. Just 16 minutes on the elliptical helps a lot. That's all I needed.
The questions that I've asked previously have been answered, and even one that I haven't even asked but pondered for a while has also taken form in a forum post elsewhere, and it has been answered as well. I looked at the biorhythms graph and compared the cycles within a 30-day window and perhaps it make sense that having two of the cycles meet at 0 earlier this week would cause some "friction".
All is well. Nothing is lost. Take it easy.
P.S. Here's a piece from Franz Liszt that has stuck to me recently. It's a short, but beautiful piece and I recommend you hear it for yourself :)
Published by B61zz13 on November 16, 2016 10:28pm. Category: Journal Entry
This is very difficult to deal with in its entirety for the moment, but I'll try to grasp as much as I can... maybe something will unravel as I explain.
Just as I got home from school, I texted my friend and told her that I wasn't gonna be able to spend time with her because I had relatively little sleep the night before and I was really tired. Well, it was true for the most part. However, I didn't tell her how I didn't want to see her because I didn't want things to escalate and us hooking up. I didn't want to have sex with her again (it was rather communicated between the lines and not directly discussed).
She recently broke up with her long-time boyfriend and flew back to her old home as a result, somewhat close to where I live. I know she's been wanting a "shoulder to cry on" and have someone to share her woes with, but I just have this bad feeling that she may be wanting more than just a "woe is me" session. Our last casual encounter solidifies the validity of that gut feeling I'm talking about.
For me, it's bad because I wasn't looking for something long-term with her, or even at another stage of intimacy beyond a casual hookup. I feel somewhat karmically involved, and I don't take that lightly.
My mind is a little wrapped up in this situation, and it's bugging me quite a bit. I know that I'll have to come forward with the truth and tell her how I really feel later on. However, there's something much more prevalent and broader than this situation may call for.
Somewhere deep down, I question my own alignment with other selves. I know that when I look at other people in the eye, there's some small sign of desperation or pity that they want to relieve. Perhaps this can be mirrored back to me, where I want to be relieved of some form of desperation or guilt or something as well. I can't find that concept to pertain to myself just yet, but I feel as though the way people look at me is far more different than the way I look at them (I think this may be more broader and more accurate than I previously thought). Their wants and needs are far more different than mines. I'm leaning more towards the fact that other people have more "primal" worries than I do.
Ramblings: I am alone, yet I don't feel lonely. I don't feel the need or want to have others in my life consistently. I'm perfectly fine being a leader of some sort in one day, and just quiet and studious in another, melding with the background noise and environment. However, I feel like there's some underlying guilt for not being on the same page as another person, such as extending our loose connection to more than just acquaintances. Like I can tell that another person really wants to make further contact with me, but I can't really do much unless that other person asks me in a direct or clear way...
Come to think of it, it WOULD BE more proactive on my end to read between the lines and try to meet the other person halfway and try to decipher what they really want. After all, I could be totally wrong on my assumptions about what another person may want from/with me. I suppose that the hardest obstacle is being able to communicate that to other people, especially to people I haven't talked much with but have been around the same school/work environment. IT IS HARD. It feels like I'll have to take a plunge and put myself on the line for this. But how...?? I'll try to read up on some Q'uo channelings, I suppose. It may be just that simple to word, but hard to initiate...
Published by B61zz13 on November 16, 2016 2:24am. Category: Dream Journals
First dream: I have a rifle... and I'm shooting everyone I see in this plain white building. Yeah, that escalated quickly. Some things to note though: I don't know who these people are, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to shoot others, or shooting others without my own will to control. Hard to say what my motive was at all, but it could signify the control I'm looking for in my own life or something along those lines (not necessarily over others though; I don't have any grudges or beefs with anyone at the moment, but just over the events/results in my life). There was a small segment in my dream where there are two guys in long black/grey raincoats that come and shoot me down with pistols. Then I die and fall to the ground.
Second dream: All I can remember is me waiting in the front passenger seat of a car, and weirdly enough, it makes me think I'm in Mexico. I'm siting there, bored, waiting for the driver to come back and then I see a car pass by. What's odd about this is that it's as long as a limousine, but where the driver and the passenger seats are, there's a blue dome over each of them. No idea who they were, and it was in the middle of the day.
Here's the closest car I can find matching the semblance, with only one more dome missing and having a more elongated body (like a limousine):
Published by B61zz13 on November 6, 2016 2:07pm. Category: Dream Journals
I'm doing something a little different; I made a new category of blog entries just dedicated to dreams that I have experienced. It's just a way to segregate my "living" state from my "dream" state and make them more sensible... I guess. I also think that readers shouldn't have to read both dreams and waking reality in the same blog entry, so I'll segregate them this way for now.
First dream: I am in some metropolitan area that I've never been before. However, it looks a bit more rundown than flashy with skyscrapers and vehicles rushing by. Rather, it's more like a flea market or anoutdoor thrift shop with multiple vendors. For some reason, they all associated with Korea. The center tables included five shopkeepers. These shopkeepers all had a mask on, with different-sized shapes and colorings to them. The one on the far left was benign, while the 2 far right shopkeepers were sinister or malignant in some form. For example, if you talked to the ones on the far right, they will leave curse on you or cast some bad omen on you...
I know it's weird that I'm talking like it's some video game, because it looked like some 2-dimensional pixelated video game from my perspective. Not sure where the idea came from, but yeah it was all somehow connected to Korea, like part of the culture or origin of these shopkeepers.
Second dream: This one is more personal, in terms of point of view. I went to school with one of my navy blue shirt that I like to wear from time to time. However, in my dream state, it was the second time I showed up to school with the shirt consecutively. My "dream self" started to feel bad about wearing the same shirt twice in a row, feeling that people will look at "me" the wrong way or judge me.
About this dream, I do wear shirts repeatedly from time to time, just because they're not dirty and they are in good standing. Sometimes I do feel like I shouldn't do that, just because of outside criticism. I can find it easier to empathize with my "dream self", but I suppose I can take it as a sign to "buy more shirts, I deserve some more variety" heh.
Published by B61zz13 on November 5, 2016 10:12pm. Category: Journal Entry
Took a nap this afternoon, from the lack of sleep last night.
First dream: I was in my car, trying to get a particular passenger to come in. However, a stranger that I don't know gets inside or attempts to get inside the car. I start to freak out, and for some reason, I'm sitting in the back seat, where the intruder is trying to come in from. He's not being violent or being rough about it, but it sets my alarm off. I can't see the man's face, because the light from the sun is blocking my view to some extent.
I don't know what to garnish from this, but this dream woke me up and kinda freaked me out. I liked that it freaked me out haha. It kinda tickles my brain in a funny way. I tried to go back to sleep and then I had another dream...
...which I totally forget the details to. I had them remembered earlier today, but it was somewhat fleeting.
Okay, so about oppression... I'm currently reading the novel The Flamethrowers for my English class. There's a ton of forms of oppression exemplified, from women being raped, to men being used as working slaves with little to no benefit, to name the extremes. Socioeconomic tension and struggles are the main What's interesting is that there are groups within the novel that are male-dominated and are supposed to stand for the injustices in society done by "The Man" and "Those Pigs" (story takes places around the mid 1970s). Although some of these groups do partake in noble and positive acts of charity, they do see women as subclass citizens, never being an active member of the group and serving as “bed mates, janitors, and maids” to paraphrase it.
However, there are a lot more examples of oppression that come across as subtle and intangible to human hands. Some of it includes women beating themselves up “for the camera” and rich people looking down upon the lower class. This makes me think that oppression is everywhere, even upon which we cast upon ourselves. I oppress myself certain ways too, everyone does to some extend I would say. However, “oppression” (see, it gets more dull the more you use it) can also be abused in the wrong hands. You throw it around and make yourself a living victim, a martyr, a black hole of pity and woe to be cast upon.
I think my mind is trailing elsewhere, and I can't seem to find any more fruits to toss to this basket. I'll leave things as they are now. All is well, nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on November 4, 2016 6:44pm. Category: Journal Entry
I suppose I should write as a reminder for my "future" self to look back and see the "trends" and patterns that may have some significance for the future. October, overall, has been a quiet time, one that felt like some form of hibernation and moratorium of some sort. I've had quite a number of dreams that I didn't even write down, due to laziness to be honest. I'll summarize some of them, which I can still remember to a great extent:
First dream: I am at someone's backyard, almost looks a lot like my parents' backyard, with me facing the house. There was a young girl in a school uniform talking to a somewhat overweight man. He was white and had a mustache, facial hair of some sort. From what my "dream self" gathered, he was trying to court her, but in a conniving way. I felt like he was pressuring her in an indirect and subtle manner, that I became furious and wanted to take action against his wrongdoings. The girl was somewhat going along with it, but very unsure of herself. I didn't see my "dream self" successfully interfere, but I saw a truck parked inside the house, facing the backyard, which is really weird. It was like an old Toyota van... and then my dream ends there.
Second dream: I can't remember all the details, but this one left a big emotional impact on me. It actually woke me up around 3:36 in the morning (close to that time). Anyways, all I can remember is that there was this mass of black "stuff" that pulsated and sparked some form of red lightning and it was coming to attack me. There was something very sinister about it and I sensed it as a threat.
However, in retrospect, it was not about the black mass that was meaningful, but rather the sense of threat and danger. It was this same primal instinct to want to run and even fight it that makes me think that my subconscious wanted to foreshadow the evens to unfold in the future. Which brings me up to this month, November...
For some odd reason, my thoughts on deactivating my Facebook and other social media pages started to gain traction and become more like a plausible course of action. There was no apparent situation to make me change my attitudes more rapidly, but it was a gradual decision I decided to make... it's just so weird and it still baffles me how the idea just slipped into my mind and came out of my mouth as words, and then manifested into reality. It amazes me more than anything lol.
As early as the last week of October, I decided to “break the mold”, to change my ways and start things anew, so to speak. There were some things that didn't feel as genuine as before, and I felt that it was time to change certain ways and habits for the better, if they were even a problem to begin with. Now, I have trusted the ebb and flow of the Infinite Creator, with being patient and all, and in some ways, the Creator spoke to me again and said, ”now it is time to change gears”.
This month of November is solely dedicated to cut off vices and starting new, positive habits. As I type this, it's 4:33 PM on the clock, a wonderful surprise, a wonderful synchronicity. The vices I wish to cut off are:
Stop watching porn/masturbating
Deactivate/stop visiting social media sites, like Facebook and Snapchat
Limit intake of caffeine to 48 ounces a week, 16 ounces max in one day
My new habits will consist of:
Studying for 2 hours a week, minimum
Talk to parents once a week
Ship 100 books to Amazon this month, minimum
1 random conversation a day
Go to gym 3 times a week, 2 days cardio and AT LEAST 1 weight lifting
It's a bit rough already, my body is rebelling from not watching porn and all that stuff. It does feels good to have more libido and more ways to change that energy into something more constructive. My horizons and visions of my future goals are slowly climbing up as well, and I feel that I may accomplish some big things to come. That's it for now, I'll post more later. I gotta ship a big box of books to UPS before they close. All is well, nothing is lost.
Published by B61zz13 on October 12, 2016 10:45pm. Category: Journal Entry
I feel somewhat obligated to write about these recent happenings and the overall “climate” of things, as to remind my future self of anything to keep in mind of. I've been getting more heartburn lately, something that I've rarely dealt with in the past. Seriously, I've barely had any issues with heartburn in the past until these past couple of weeks. I have a good idea for a remedy, which includes eating smaller portions/meals and mixing in some exercise. I found myself instantly relieved after eating this chicken salad and going to the gym and doing cardio. I am gonna try to incorporate more of those healthy habits into my routine...
However, my sleep schedule has been altered in such a way that does make attending class a living nightmare, and is becoming more of a roadblock than anything. I've been sleeping all day and staying up all night... and as much as I used to love being awake at night, I am preferring the opposite now, as now I have my responsibilities aligned with the daytime as opposed to the nighttime.
Another thing that's a new occurrence to me is drooling in my sleep and getting more dreams. I've almost been having at least one dream a night, and I am so compelled to learn more and write them down. I hope I didn't jinx it by mentioning them occurring at a daily rate. I'll be writing them down (or try to) each day. However, the drooling part still baffles me a bit. I will do some research and find out what that may mean hah, just gaining some knowledge as far as my physical standing and whatnot. Here's two dreams that I have had last night:
My first dream: I was walking outside with someone during the nighttime (not sure who it was) and we were happy to see these beautiful auroras going off into the distance of the night sky. I feel like we were close to Pacific Coast Highway, here in San Diego, somewhere along the coast and spectating all of this right by the ocean. The surrounding areas were lit with street lights and a porch light, from whatever building we were coming from. As we were walking closer to what seemed to be the sandy areas of the beach, a couple of snakes slithered perpendicular to us, from east to west. Something was off though, and these snakes were carrying some form of prey, I think. Some form of animal more round and bigger in width but not bigger than maybe a foot and a half, at least. Me and my partner were wondering what the heck was going on, and suddenly, a tiger appears along a small dune of sand that we crossed to our left. Me and my partner decided to hide along the cliffside of the edge of the highway, seeking refuge from the tiger. The tiger seemed like it was searching for something, probably even prey like us. END.
My second dream: I went out on a shooting spree (yeah, quite the change from the last one). As far as my weapon goes, it was some black pistol that uses clips as ammo. I don't remember who I shot or seeing me doing the shooting, but somehow I do believed that I did shoot a couple of people. I then go into this room full of “mentally challenged” women and told them that I was not going to shoot them and that I was going to go out and kill others. I think one of them interjected and said that I should stop, not in a pleading or mournful way, but in a very concerned and sympathetic way. My “self” in the dream then started to having some of these “waking” thoughts and I told myself, “Why am I doing this? I feel like I'm forcing myself to do this.” I felt like at some point, I should surrender... like I should accept the consequences. I didn't continue on my shooting spree after that. END.
As far as my first dream, I “loosely” feel as though the subconscious is telling me to be careful with alluring yourself to what seems physically and even mentally appealing and aesthetic (illusory ideals and perishable items). The snakes could mean the negative aspects of the self coming back to its origin (those which gravitates to the left, or negative) either leaving, while the tiger could mean out of the negative, the positive will return into “the picture” and have a dominating presence in my life. I also notice that this is all going on in the night time, and there's no moon, so my dream self tries to find the self through the light that isn't consistent nor whole, but filled with colors and bending in so many directions. Although my dream self's attitude towards seeking is positive, perhaps the method to go about looking for one's self should be more consistent and have a more efficient means of doing so. Perhaps in trying to find the infinite Creator in 3rd density matters, I find myself creating more hardships than anything. Thus the appearances of the snake and the tiger, which contrast each other greatly, without demeaning the importance of these two figures.
For my second dream, this seems to contrast greatly not just in the elements found in the first dream, but also the very nature of the dream. This dream happened in what appears to be in a snowy and cold setting outside, but also during the day time. Aside from this, my own intuition is telling me that this dream has to do more with the waking self rather than the subconscious self, although the subconscious self IS the one communicating to me during my sleep. I will note that I don't own a gun, nor do I have any personal relations to anyone in the dream, nor do I have murderous intentions. However, I feel as though Q'uo's quote on (paraphrasing) “You have yet to face the murderer, the thief, and the culprit inside of you” kinda resonates with the theme of this poem, and that is to empathize with the darker portions of the self, to acknowledge it and forgive it. I still feel as though there wasn't as much depth into this poem as far as dwelling into the subconscious goes, and I mainly feel that the question of “Why am I doing this? I feel like I'm forcing myself to do this.” is something I would tell myself in waking thought, and so this seems like the type of catalyst I encounter during my waking hours. Nevertheless, it was an interesting dream and I find very much importance in every one of them.
As my suspicions have confirmed based on the past observations I have made in regards to what I have dealt with two years ago, I am also finding myself in a “hibernation” setting again, just like in the Fall of 2014. My mind has been a lot more active and my desire for physical activities and movement has dwindled. I haven't been working that much with spiritual catalyst either, so things have been much quieter and calmer lately. At the most, schoolwork has kept me somewhat busy and I've been sleeping a lot more and craving more food (especially fatty foods and sweets) than ever. My synchronicities having been acknowledging that all has been and is well, and going according to plan. I can deal with this quietness and yet, I feel much more balanced as a whole as opposed to the similar configurations of Fall 2014, where my mind was running much more rampantly and a bit more sporadically. For the most part, I have also learned to breathe a bit more and to relax as well. I'm not so much worried about any upcoming Dark Nights to come, yet if I do think more about it, I think I will get more worried :/
That is all for today. All is well. Take it easy, and love you all.