post I made to a thread yesterday:
I can only speak in general here, as each person's situation is unique, even though you've shared some of your basic physical circumstances.
I would say, in the general case, that a lot of spiritual pain comes from not being able to fulfill our Deepest Calling ... whatever that may be. At the end of the day, the physical vehicle is just an instrument, or 'outreach' into this 3d plane, and the mind is the means by which we actuate and experience our Feedback.
At the deepest level, though, is that of the Spirit, which chose (and planned) an Incarnation, because it desired to have certain experiences. If those are able to be 'fulfilled', then everything else, it seems, can be 'tolerated' and accepted, even though difficult.
But without being able to both 'hear', as well as 'experience' what our Deepest Callings are (from the spirit realm), results in that dissonance and experiential/existential suffering.
so as to your specific situation, it seems like you've studied (and comprehend) the negative motivations. And you also desire to experience your positive motivations. But at the end of the day, how exactly are those going to play out?
We all have a unique service, and when we are able to be in alignment with those spiritual callings, and fulfill them, I think the kind of pain that you are describing won't be as evident.