Wow.....it is amazing how one's life can change so suddenly. When I started this blog, I was happily married with grown children. As I write this entry, just 3 weeks later, I am now a homeless man without a job. Homeless in the fact that I am now living with my ageing Mother in the home that I lived as a teenager. I cleaned out my old bedroom, the room that my Father had converted into an office and research center for his study of geneology. He passed over 9 years ago and the room had been untouched since. It just became a storage room for my Mother and a couple of siblings that needed to store a few things they didn't have room for in their own homes.
Why the change? There are many reasons. The inability of me to secure an adequate paying job was one of them. My wife and I were slowly sinking and the pressures of our financial situation put more pressure on our relationship than we could bear. As with many breakups, money can be a catalyst to the demise. I will say though, it wasn't only money, it was more complex than that.
Regardless of the reasons, it is a reality that I had not expected. This experience has been one of the most difficult I have ever had. It has challenged me in ways that are hard to convey in words. There are many ways that people cope with such life changes. Some just end this life and hope for a better one on the other side. To many this would end the pain. For believe me, the pain I felt in the days following the break up was as real as if I had cut off an arm or leg. And this option had crossed my mind for the first 24 to 48 hours. It would be so easy to do... the pain would be gone and I would be consoled on the other side by my Loved ones aready over there. But memories of my teen years flooded back. I had an Uncle that I loved dearly, commit suicide. He was also in great pain and couldn't bear to carry it any further. When he left his pain was then transfered to all in his family. I will never forget how he affected those that loved him. The entire Family were left shaken, confused and with great guilt. The guilt for not understanding how to help him.
So, that option was not in my cards. I couldn't do that to my Wife who I still love deeply. I couldn't do that to my two wonderful Daughters, let alone my Mother and Siblings. I had to live this crisis through and I knew it wouldn't be easy. Fortunate for me, there was no doubt that I would have a place to stay. My Mother is one of the planets greatest persons. Not an evil fiber in her body. She had been born to be a vessel that brought 16 of us to Earth and I am now the oldest of her children, my one older Brother dying almost two years ago of brain cancer. She gave us the bodies needed so we might experiece all that this world can teach us. Now was one of those lessons. Not an easy one for sure, but one of life's lessons non the less.
I left my home of 13 years with $100.00 and one of the cars we have financed. I loaded up my small Ford Focus with my clothes and a few boxes of worthless things that humans collect but have a sentimental value at most. One of my Brothers and I drove down again (400 miles) to get a few more things a week or so later. There my Wife insisted I sign off of the home we were buying. I was torn... upset... hurt.... angry.... This was MY home also.... and to just walk away with no compensation for all the work and money I had invested in it was very tramatic.
All I wanted is what was fair.
I left with feeling of dispair and betrayal. How could this happen to me?
Now I am back to where it all started. Living on the farm. Although the barn is long gone. Bulldozed over a decade ago. No more cows, no more pigs, chickens, ducks, geese or horses. Just a large pile of boards and timber.
Some people turn to religion in times like this. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that religion was not for me. Words written by men to keep their followers in line. The cause of wars and conflict since the beginning of time. Most people's choice of religion is based on what their parents believed. Or the region of the world you were born. Believe me, I have studied religions for many years with a sincere desire to understand. I have had experiences that many would consider religious ones. But with further research, only to find that religion had nothing to do with it So this option is one that I can't sincerely seek.
So, I turned to the Master that I did respect and opened one of his books that I still have. "The White Lotus" Discourses on Fragmentary Notes of Bodhidharma's Disciples, by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. I hadn't opened this book for over 20 years. It didn't take very long for me to be reminded why I loved Bhagwan so much. He keeps me grounded. He helps me understand the wisdom needed to handle the difficult challenges we face as a human on the Earth. To let go of the material things and focus on the Love created.
Now, I look forward to the last third of my life. Free to explore and experience this world as an individual again, not as a couple. I am now living in the most beautiful part of Michigan, the Upper Peninsula. An outdoorsman's paradise. Hiking, fishing, camping and my love of photography will keep me occupied. I look at my ageing Mother and see she can use an extra hand around the house. Things long neglected will now be addressed. Her health is not what it used to be and will continue to degrade as she enters her final years. I will be here to help in ways that my younger sibilings can't. They have their own young Families to tend too.
All things happen for a reason and this experience is no different. It has caused me to reflect inward and see the shortcomings that are still part of my being. It has helped me realize that material things can cause a person to miss the most important part of life ...Love.
Only Love is Real.
Now I can appreciate more what my Wife and I had created together. Two beautiful and compassionate Daughters and 28 years of creating a wonderful life together. Now however, it is time to see the world through my eyes only again. Tempered with the life experiences that 54 years has given me.