Hi my fellow seekers.
My name is Nicholas and felt it worthwhile to share my journey through life leading up to the greatest books I have, and ever will have read. I have chosen to add a little detail before my awakening in order express the power that love has to heal all pain and the variety of ways in which a wanderer chooses his/her circumstances.
I chose circumstances to incarnate into which can be described from a socio/economic perspective as a 'feral underclass' environment. I do not want to promote such distortions of analysis as such so I use this term with great detachment from the cultural distortions that such observations help to perpetuate.
My mother was a spiritually oriented woman and allowed me the freedom to decide for myself whether or not to accept our metaphysical nature.
With an early introduction to trauma I developed an addictive tendency from 5 years old of which attachments to sweets/sugar, stealing, sports and then finally drugs were my focus of attention.
My relationship with my mother was somewhat polarised and several times I ran away from home.
I always had been a philosophical dreamer type and my foster dad when I was 16 called me an 'absent minded professor'.
At 17 years old my introduction to the creative culture of rave/dance music, with the aid of 'ecstacy' (MDMA) was my final choice of attachment. And boy, what a joy to experience that intense, communal and spiritual unity whereby love flowed indiscriminately through every soul that was willingly enslaved by the DJ's musical wand waving. A necessary sub culture in the context of those that felt emotionally abandoned (subconsciously speaking) by the social biases at play in the 80's/90's.
My specific final addiction though (and the most intense) was cannabis. Unaware of the emotional disturbances still unresolved within me, cannabis quickly became my 'comfort sheet' and to an 'absent minded' chap this was a most fitting companion.
Aged 22 I met my soul mate who, aged 15 was also in emotional need for healing and 18 months of bliss followed. She provided me with devotion and I provided her with the undivided attention she had always craved...Our 'issues' though remained un-confronted.
It all fell apart in the summer of 2000 10 days after a Dance Festival when she began her college exams and started hearing 'voices' in the middle of them. She was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia shortly afterwards.
The intensity of suffering immediately after this period still draws tears recalling it now. Carla is so wise to point out that the depths of love cannot exist without its opposite weight of sorrow.
My partner (Heidi) was soon put into a mental hospital and I after quitting drugs in a desperate attempt to be able to see her, became psychotic. Her family made a determined and collective attempt to keep me from seeing her and boy did I beat myself up!
She was gone from my world, alive yet dead was how I conceptualised these events and I mourned my loss by returning to drugs in the fall of 2000.
I was on a suicidal path this time round and I swallowed anything I could get hold of.
In July 2001 I walked in to my house that I shared with my mother in the early hours of a Sunday. My mother looked at me and gasped "You have taken drugs!"
"yeah and..." I replied, to which she said. "Then you can pack your bags and get out because you are not dragging me down with you!"
I must say here now that that statement was the most compassionate gesture my mother had ever made towards me. I went up to my room and sat on my bed... It was decision time.
This time I quit drugs not because of my desperation (and guilt) to be reunited with Heidi, for I had lost all hope by then. This time it was because I was causing harm to my mother and the thought of causing more harm to anyone galvanised my will to tackling my issues.
Within a week I was diagnosed with 'deep drug induced psychosis' and had truly crossed over!
When one goes around claiming to be a 'messenger of god' (termed in psychiatry as 'the messiah complex') then it is a rightful duty to inform the doctors that immediate attention is required.
After frequent visits from my psychiatric nurse for about a week of so I developed a curious attraction to esoteric studies. I also received a knock at the door...HEIDI!!!
She was out of hospital and on medication and we immediately got back together. The adventure did not stop there however as I informed her that she did not need her medication simply because I did not need any. (yes I agree this was a mad thing to suggest!)
Several days after stopping her medication she started to see 'lights moving in the sky' while looking up at the night sky. From a 3rd density perspective these are of course termed hallucinations.
She quickly deteriorated after this and was frequently violent towards me as the 'voices' were informing her of all sorts of things that I was apparently getting up to. (not!)
Things had moved fast during the fall of 2001, I had saved money for a flat where we both moved into. I told her understandably interfering family in no uncertain terms to back off as she was now 18 years old I told them. 3 months later however in January 2002 she made an attack on my life in the middle of the night. She returned to mental hospital and I was taken to hospital to have my ear stitched that had been severed from the blade of an axe. (I must stress here that these are the facts and that if anything I am toning down my story of enlightenment rather than trying to dramatize it) I returned to live with my mother and 'chose' to start smoking cannabis again.
In August of 2002 Heidi was out of hospital and again made an unrequested visit to my door. We went for a long walk and she confessed to me that the voices told her to kill me as I was cheating on her. This fear of infidelity was the very opportunity that "4th density minions" took great pleasure in exploiting (it may also be the case that these negative voices arrive from the inner planes of our 3rd density planetary vibration. Of which I attribute the 'orion group' as the creators of these thought forms). I asked her why she held back at the last moment. (it was her intention to aim for my neck with full force) "but I love him" was her reply.
(With her hallucinations both visually and audibly, you may be able to grasp just how powerfully informative The Law of One books were to me when I read them last summer)
We got back together but I informed her that I was smoking cannabis again and was not ready to give it up. I also swore to her that I would never give her any, under any circumstance.
I stayed with my mum while Heidi lived in supported accommodation with other individuals of similar mental illnesses.
I became friends with one particular chap called Roger who lived with Heidi and one night we were both up late drinking brandy. An intelligent young man who also had insight into his experiences. He opened up to me that he too heard voices, but not any more. I asked him if he knew how or why they stopped pestering him and he told me that he kept replying to them "you are me, you are me"
I am sharing this conversation I had with Roger to add another example of what Don, Carla and Jim came to realise themselves about seperation or lack of unity. Roger had no concept of separation regarding himself and his hallucinogenic experience. The awareness in psychiatry is that audible hallucinations are the manifestation of our fears. That we create our own experience. (however to be more precise, we invite it via our mood) Roger understood this therefore saw no distinction between himself and the voices pestering him, therefore from the perspective, or awareness of unity or oneness the Orion groups (or inner thought forms) efforts were bearing no fruit and thus moved on.
In other words both view points are correct, as I perceive things. One coming from the physical world or mental viewpoint and the other from the spiritual or metaphysical viewpoint. A great paradox!
On January the 2nd 2004 I stopped smoking my closest companion...the herb.
The next 3 months can be best described by Ra's articulation of when an entity experiences "intelligent infinity"
RA: The entity which reaches intelligent infinity most often will perceive this experience as one of unspeakable profundity. It is not unusual for the entity to immediately desire the cessation of the incarnation.
I would like to add here that I never felt the desire to 'opt out'. I was in love, aware of our spiritual connectedness and consciously sending love to everyone and everything. For these 3 months Heidi never heard a single voice either.
I would term this experience as an implosion of DMT, I felt all 4 of my wisdom teeth grow though my jaw, I could feel no physical pain and started to pinch myself with puzzlement. "This is no dream" I remember thinking. One person said my eyes were glowing and was convinced I was on crack cocaine. My heart flew open to the world and I was busy telling everyone about "the truth"!
Again borrowing from Ra's wisdom..."However, the desire to communicate or use this experience to aid others is extremely strong" (B2, 51)
It is a rare thing to maintain that state of vibration in this experience but what I have achieved to maintain is the awareness that, all that occurs, however and whenever, is perfectly needed or it simply would not occur.
Between then and now, I succumb to inertia and the allure of the past, until February last year when 'the truth movement' caught my attention due to the dissatisfaction with our political leaders. It was this trail of study that lead me to the Law of One books and helped me climb out of the whirlpool of erroneous data concerning worldly and other worldly matters. My recent years of inertia (pertaining to the mission I chose prior to incarnation) were not wasted as such because although I chose not to 'grasp the nettle' so to speak regarding my specific mission, (which became crystalized in 2004) I have persistently emanated compassion and togetherness during that time.
Heidi now has much better insight these days and I now have the teachings from Ra, delivered by our beautiful other selves, Don, Carla and Jim, (I have sent so much love to Carla!) to better equip me when the 'loyal opposition' decide to join us. She is me and I am her, our destinies entwined in the heartfelt desire to raise the vibration on this beautiful planet.
When she awakes fully to her capacity to perceive 4th density vibration and remember her choice to join me here, wonderful things can occur...The inertia I have displayed in recent years can no longer continue as only when I re-engage with this work will she in turn awaken to her role in it.
Meanwhile though at least I am focusing on self healing and unravelling, or un distorting my mind from the habitual thinking and overdose of data I took in last year. I am human just like everyone else at the end of it all and it has proven to big a burden to get back on that white horse before I have mended from the last fall, to use the metaphor.
Love and Light
Nicholas.[/font]
My name is Nicholas and felt it worthwhile to share my journey through life leading up to the greatest books I have, and ever will have read. I have chosen to add a little detail before my awakening in order express the power that love has to heal all pain and the variety of ways in which a wanderer chooses his/her circumstances.
I chose circumstances to incarnate into which can be described from a socio/economic perspective as a 'feral underclass' environment. I do not want to promote such distortions of analysis as such so I use this term with great detachment from the cultural distortions that such observations help to perpetuate.
My mother was a spiritually oriented woman and allowed me the freedom to decide for myself whether or not to accept our metaphysical nature.
With an early introduction to trauma I developed an addictive tendency from 5 years old of which attachments to sweets/sugar, stealing, sports and then finally drugs were my focus of attention.
My relationship with my mother was somewhat polarised and several times I ran away from home.
I always had been a philosophical dreamer type and my foster dad when I was 16 called me an 'absent minded professor'.
At 17 years old my introduction to the creative culture of rave/dance music, with the aid of 'ecstacy' (MDMA) was my final choice of attachment. And boy, what a joy to experience that intense, communal and spiritual unity whereby love flowed indiscriminately through every soul that was willingly enslaved by the DJ's musical wand waving. A necessary sub culture in the context of those that felt emotionally abandoned (subconsciously speaking) by the social biases at play in the 80's/90's.
My specific final addiction though (and the most intense) was cannabis. Unaware of the emotional disturbances still unresolved within me, cannabis quickly became my 'comfort sheet' and to an 'absent minded' chap this was a most fitting companion.
Aged 22 I met my soul mate who, aged 15 was also in emotional need for healing and 18 months of bliss followed. She provided me with devotion and I provided her with the undivided attention she had always craved...Our 'issues' though remained un-confronted.
It all fell apart in the summer of 2000 10 days after a Dance Festival when she began her college exams and started hearing 'voices' in the middle of them. She was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia shortly afterwards.
The intensity of suffering immediately after this period still draws tears recalling it now. Carla is so wise to point out that the depths of love cannot exist without its opposite weight of sorrow.
My partner (Heidi) was soon put into a mental hospital and I after quitting drugs in a desperate attempt to be able to see her, became psychotic. Her family made a determined and collective attempt to keep me from seeing her and boy did I beat myself up!
She was gone from my world, alive yet dead was how I conceptualised these events and I mourned my loss by returning to drugs in the fall of 2000.
I was on a suicidal path this time round and I swallowed anything I could get hold of.
In July 2001 I walked in to my house that I shared with my mother in the early hours of a Sunday. My mother looked at me and gasped "You have taken drugs!"
"yeah and..." I replied, to which she said. "Then you can pack your bags and get out because you are not dragging me down with you!"
I must say here now that that statement was the most compassionate gesture my mother had ever made towards me. I went up to my room and sat on my bed... It was decision time.
This time I quit drugs not because of my desperation (and guilt) to be reunited with Heidi, for I had lost all hope by then. This time it was because I was causing harm to my mother and the thought of causing more harm to anyone galvanised my will to tackling my issues.
Within a week I was diagnosed with 'deep drug induced psychosis' and had truly crossed over!
When one goes around claiming to be a 'messenger of god' (termed in psychiatry as 'the messiah complex') then it is a rightful duty to inform the doctors that immediate attention is required.
After frequent visits from my psychiatric nurse for about a week of so I developed a curious attraction to esoteric studies. I also received a knock at the door...HEIDI!!!
She was out of hospital and on medication and we immediately got back together. The adventure did not stop there however as I informed her that she did not need her medication simply because I did not need any. (yes I agree this was a mad thing to suggest!)
Several days after stopping her medication she started to see 'lights moving in the sky' while looking up at the night sky. From a 3rd density perspective these are of course termed hallucinations.
She quickly deteriorated after this and was frequently violent towards me as the 'voices' were informing her of all sorts of things that I was apparently getting up to. (not!)
Things had moved fast during the fall of 2001, I had saved money for a flat where we both moved into. I told her understandably interfering family in no uncertain terms to back off as she was now 18 years old I told them. 3 months later however in January 2002 she made an attack on my life in the middle of the night. She returned to mental hospital and I was taken to hospital to have my ear stitched that had been severed from the blade of an axe. (I must stress here that these are the facts and that if anything I am toning down my story of enlightenment rather than trying to dramatize it) I returned to live with my mother and 'chose' to start smoking cannabis again.
In August of 2002 Heidi was out of hospital and again made an unrequested visit to my door. We went for a long walk and she confessed to me that the voices told her to kill me as I was cheating on her. This fear of infidelity was the very opportunity that "4th density minions" took great pleasure in exploiting (it may also be the case that these negative voices arrive from the inner planes of our 3rd density planetary vibration. Of which I attribute the 'orion group' as the creators of these thought forms). I asked her why she held back at the last moment. (it was her intention to aim for my neck with full force) "but I love him" was her reply.
(With her hallucinations both visually and audibly, you may be able to grasp just how powerfully informative The Law of One books were to me when I read them last summer)
We got back together but I informed her that I was smoking cannabis again and was not ready to give it up. I also swore to her that I would never give her any, under any circumstance.
I stayed with my mum while Heidi lived in supported accommodation with other individuals of similar mental illnesses.
I became friends with one particular chap called Roger who lived with Heidi and one night we were both up late drinking brandy. An intelligent young man who also had insight into his experiences. He opened up to me that he too heard voices, but not any more. I asked him if he knew how or why they stopped pestering him and he told me that he kept replying to them "you are me, you are me"
I am sharing this conversation I had with Roger to add another example of what Don, Carla and Jim came to realise themselves about seperation or lack of unity. Roger had no concept of separation regarding himself and his hallucinogenic experience. The awareness in psychiatry is that audible hallucinations are the manifestation of our fears. That we create our own experience. (however to be more precise, we invite it via our mood) Roger understood this therefore saw no distinction between himself and the voices pestering him, therefore from the perspective, or awareness of unity or oneness the Orion groups (or inner thought forms) efforts were bearing no fruit and thus moved on.
In other words both view points are correct, as I perceive things. One coming from the physical world or mental viewpoint and the other from the spiritual or metaphysical viewpoint. A great paradox!
On January the 2nd 2004 I stopped smoking my closest companion...the herb.
The next 3 months can be best described by Ra's articulation of when an entity experiences "intelligent infinity"
RA: The entity which reaches intelligent infinity most often will perceive this experience as one of unspeakable profundity. It is not unusual for the entity to immediately desire the cessation of the incarnation.
I would like to add here that I never felt the desire to 'opt out'. I was in love, aware of our spiritual connectedness and consciously sending love to everyone and everything. For these 3 months Heidi never heard a single voice either.
I would term this experience as an implosion of DMT, I felt all 4 of my wisdom teeth grow though my jaw, I could feel no physical pain and started to pinch myself with puzzlement. "This is no dream" I remember thinking. One person said my eyes were glowing and was convinced I was on crack cocaine. My heart flew open to the world and I was busy telling everyone about "the truth"!
Again borrowing from Ra's wisdom..."However, the desire to communicate or use this experience to aid others is extremely strong" (B2, 51)
It is a rare thing to maintain that state of vibration in this experience but what I have achieved to maintain is the awareness that, all that occurs, however and whenever, is perfectly needed or it simply would not occur.
Between then and now, I succumb to inertia and the allure of the past, until February last year when 'the truth movement' caught my attention due to the dissatisfaction with our political leaders. It was this trail of study that lead me to the Law of One books and helped me climb out of the whirlpool of erroneous data concerning worldly and other worldly matters. My recent years of inertia (pertaining to the mission I chose prior to incarnation) were not wasted as such because although I chose not to 'grasp the nettle' so to speak regarding my specific mission, (which became crystalized in 2004) I have persistently emanated compassion and togetherness during that time.
Heidi now has much better insight these days and I now have the teachings from Ra, delivered by our beautiful other selves, Don, Carla and Jim, (I have sent so much love to Carla!) to better equip me when the 'loyal opposition' decide to join us. She is me and I am her, our destinies entwined in the heartfelt desire to raise the vibration on this beautiful planet.
When she awakes fully to her capacity to perceive 4th density vibration and remember her choice to join me here, wonderful things can occur...The inertia I have displayed in recent years can no longer continue as only when I re-engage with this work will she in turn awaken to her role in it.
Meanwhile though at least I am focusing on self healing and unravelling, or un distorting my mind from the habitual thinking and overdose of data I took in last year. I am human just like everyone else at the end of it all and it has proven to big a burden to get back on that white horse before I have mended from the last fall, to use the metaphor.
Love and Light
Nicholas.[/font]
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