Oh Hi am Lycen, pleased to meet you all hehe
Here is a little of my story (life wise).
NB: I think this maybe quite long
In 2008 I graduated from a Maritime school withe a high school diploma and and papers to a be a seamen. That school broke me once, it was an awesome learning experience. It left physical and mental scars. Which to one degree or a another have healed but not totally. I am thankful for that time, it was nessessary, I think.
Shortly after I "came upon" a book called "Rich Dad's Before You Quit Your Job"
Boy was I exited I read it withe out stop and had mind blowing realizations. Like I do not have to work underneath someone to earn money. I can make my own business and be my own boss taking orders from no one. It was everything I hoped for in that moment, fresh out of school and needing a way for future. But more importantly It talked about fear, how it has control over everything we do. And It was a very profound realization to me.
"Everything I do is controlled by fear!"
I contemplated over my whole life and saw that I had done oh so many choice's out of fear. I was stunned.. "How could something so BIG been under my nose all the time withe out me seeing it??" Then the inevitable question which opened the way for all crept up.. "..What more is there that I do not know about?"
I essentially became a half full cup, started to look at things withe new eyes questioning everything what we do and why. Then looked inward and started thinking why do I do this and that? I started questioning everything I did, thinking why I did it where, did I get this idea?? So so many questions started to arise and I understood that much what I knew I took for granted.
Realization: "I did and thought things withe out really knowing why I did so."
At the time I also wanted to become a millionaire, live a life withe out having to work from 9 to 5 for the rest of my life. I despised the idea of having to work under someone and waste my day doing "work" when I could do what I want being rich. So getting a job after reading that book was out of the question. How to get rich was the new cool kid on the block. So I was on a "high" from the book. It was like I knew this BIG secret that no one els knew I felt elite. And I acted quite accordingly, withe the fear realization and work knowledge combination. I mused my self to the petty squabbels of others and their silly fears and lack of knowing. Of course it was in the inside I did it, being friendly outwardly. I was gonna get rich and the same time know more than others. Live a life where I do what I want and when I want it never having to worry about having little money..
Cant quite remember at this moment but somewhere I heard or saw the title of a film named "Zeitgeist". I put it on a "list to look at movies" and it sat there for maybe a few months. Until one time when I was feeling down, dint know what I wanted. So reluctantly I started watching it having no real thought's about this movie. Just doing something to keep the head busy. Once again my mind was blown! Conspiracies, everything I knew was an engineered illusion by men withe awesome power. I started pretty much preaching it or trying to impress and make people understand whats going on. WAKE UP YOU SHEEP!!!
It was once again a totally new world that I saw. Even when I was not bloated withe ego at some point. Trying to explain, that what we thought we knew were all carefully crafted lies by men who dominate the world behind shadows. Didn't go as I had imagined.
My parents were not receptive of the idea, every time I spoke about something "weird" I was the recipient of angry feelings usually. Most friends thought I was joking and/or weird.. it was a fine line to walk. So I stopped at some point trying so hard to preach. Instead I started watching all conspiracy related movies.
Everyday I watched everything that sparked my interest even a little. I got to know so much things I felt. Thought I knew more than others, unbelievable things that I knew that most had no clue of. During that time I played lots of video games too, to escape the grim reality what is going on around the world. Well video games have been withe me from childhood, so has tv since my dad used to watch it a lot. It was a weird time like any other hehe.
But it was hard to know all those things and not know what to do about em. Silent desperation seeped in, the world felt like such a dark place and we were being led to slaughter. But I socialized also to keep my self "steady". Quite a few times I told one of my friend who I could actually talk about these things that "If I always thought about these happenings, I would go crazy".
I was rebellious, food was poison, so was water, things people did were programmed in their head. It angered me greatly that my parents tried to make me behave like them. I just discovered I was programmed since I was a child. Now while I try understand the world through my own senses, trying to figure out what are my own thoughts. They want me to do what they say. There was a lot of anger.
I aimed to be receptive to what could be truth and block the rest. Even when I felt resistance to an idea which conflicted withe my own I had enough wisdom to hear or watch it still withe out judging it then and there. In that I was blessed withe a little wisdom. So on and off I felt good then bad, was high was low. Thought of my self as a very wise man, feeling like I was old, because I knew so much.
After my fake spiritual ego bubble burst, as the frustration had been building for a while trying to act like nothing can kick you out of balance when your mind is screaming behind your fake smile. I even remember the day it happened. I was walking out side and I got annoyed at something. Then I heard thoughts and images how I had been behaving weak, all the time while being fake friendly and so. Then and there I accepted the thought "F"#% that, I have had enough of acting like I cant lift a freaking rock!!" And I stopped being fake spiritual just like that, guess I became the normal selfish person again, more or less. The spiritual ego developed I think because of all the digging inside and I found so so much about my self.
So after that I was still seeking something, though I was confused. I was getting pieces of the puzzle, but when will it end? Read this see that, it gives you new knowledge but when will it end? Will this be IT? Such is life? Chasing this and that trying to find TRUTH in a an ocean of personal beliefs, false info, lies and so on. How will I ever KNOW withe out question something? I just can't take some ones word for something. I need to KNOW it! REALIZE it! Not just think it is so. That's how I felt, hearing words spoken, which to blindly believe just because it sounds good, was no good. In the end if I don't know, doubt will creep in like it did many a times..
I needed inside knowledge, literally. I had been putting this idea off quite some time. That, somehow I had to acquire wisdom/truth inside my self because, that is the only true source I can trust withe out doubt. This was always in the back of my mind like a fall back plan when I got totally lost on what I should do.
Out of body experience a book "William Buhlman -- Adventures Beyond The Body".
This was the answer to my prayers, it was the first time I read about astral projection. I dint understand what this was before, even though I had heard about out of body experiences and even astral projection. But it dint mean anything to me. The book instantly clicked "I can go out of body and experience things I need to learn from higher realms and my guides!!". It was perfect I was so exited, read the book in 2 days I think. And once more after that. SO after finding what seemed exactly what I was looking for, what did I do? I looked for MORE.. withe out using the knowledge I gained. Stored it in my "happy place" to remind my self that I have a ticket to do what I want but I wont use it yet first I need to know a lot more uh uhh.
Well after a lot more exploring of said subject, I moved to practical, I actually utilized what I learned. Dreams became very important and trying to stay awake while drifting off also. It was a interesting time withe many awesome experiences. Still to this day I record my dreams everyday, thanks to that time.
But interest waned and expectations where great. I slowly did less and less till only recording my dreams was left.
Things happened, my sister got a baby, my parent divorced and I was still confused. Material life crept back, subtly and for a while I could distract my self.
Feeling lost once again, in anguish, searching for something I stumbled upon the Ra sessions. Something in there rung my inner bell, it felt right.
I read a lot, losing myself in it. The initial buzz wore off maybe in 23-rd session. After that I read about 3 sessions a day sometimes less, more or none at all. With a online dictionary
I made it through all.
I did not get the main thing figured out (yet) in those sessions but I felt great truth in there.
"Just an other signpost" I though in the end, as the material was read and doubt reared its ugly head after a while.
Back to normal selfish life. I started to recognize a pattern here.. Times of lots of spirituality then a lot of material. Still I rode the wave of despair till it hurt too much. Had books on my computer which I had not read. With need, searched through em till I read "The Children of the Law of One & the Lost Teachings of Atlantis"..
BOOM
(you still awake there?)
In short I found it to be the greatest concentration of truth thus far I had found. I read zealously it was an emotional experience. I cried realizing how selfishly I lived. I wanted to understand god, be the servant of light. Be lower than dirt, humble, compassionate, caring, giving!! Do be UNSELFISH!!
Remembering my past "failures" I was very conscious of my thoughts and actions. So to be steady this time. I started to develop those virtues slowly and the same time started meditating a lot. I wanted to stop at least 8 times, in two of them I gave up for a second in my mind, but rebound as the fear was calmed somehow. But I lacked an income, have to sort out the earthly things. Living withe my mother, being a burden. After about two months of tribulations I felt that I had established it as a habit.
Saw that this was my chance to start a life of my own. Having accepted, that spirituality is not the knowing but acting. "I can work and evolve spiritually the same time!" The curious fear of going to work remained but the main block was removed. My concept of thinking. So even though I felt great fear, rationally I did not see why it persisted. So I got work in my hometown. (to clarify I have tried careers before and a lot of odd jobs) Like every other job before that it felt scary. Fear was constantly in the back of my mind, every morning had to muster my courage. But this was my choice and I was going to stick it out. (contract work for 2 months, with the chance of hire when its done)
I was quite the different person from my old self there. Tried keeping to my meditation and eating schedule (at appropriate moments). Always being in the moment and sincerely caring about others more than my self.
And I kept that up to the end of the contract. People thought me religious and was asked that more than once. I did not have a good answer as it was true and false.
The stress proved to much to handle though. Withe trying to keep true to my spiritual side and then work as well. So little time remained.
I could not effectively release the pressure that was building..
I found eating gave pleasure, so I ate more and more. Came home from work and ate more than I did for the whole day. It was the only release that brought even a moment of peace to my mind. I was very strict withe my self (no tv, no games, no alcohol) basically nothing that I consider could hamper my progress.
I understood it was bad for me but the fear was well nourished.
After the contract ended I was done. I was glad to get away from there. But the damage was done and for over 2 months after, I ate oh so much. I was like a crazy person, I knew it wrong and yet still did it. I gave in so much. At one point I ate so much that I felt about to puke. It was a vicious circle fearing not to eat and creating more fear, by eating and fearing what will happen to me, If I keep this up. It was terrible place to be no matter how much I understood this was wrong, fear overrode all sense. Did everything I could think off to stop this for good. None seemed to work. Somehow It started to easy it self slowly, I returned to relative normal, eating wise. I have still have a normal body, weight wise, but my face did get out of hand a little *sigh*
The meditations were a sorta challenge to do for 5 months, I stopped 2-3 days short I think. The job ended 5 months a go.
Four days a go I had an experience, seemingly casual, it rocked me to the core. Made me reflect where I was and what I was doing in life. I did not like what I saw.
So once again I feel the need to understand. I believe this road is right for me.
Upon thinking back I rarely asked for help, if at all.. I am scared to make my self vulnerable. But the same time I ache to be loved, accepted for all my folly and flaws. I came here on a selfish reason, to be helped staying on the path. I find this sad, but I hope I will benefit somehow you all more than I can imagine!!
Apologies for the mind numbing read I bet, but I thank you for reading it
Now here are some smiles bring you energy and joy
Lots of love
Here is a little of my story (life wise).
NB: I think this maybe quite long
In 2008 I graduated from a Maritime school withe a high school diploma and and papers to a be a seamen. That school broke me once, it was an awesome learning experience. It left physical and mental scars. Which to one degree or a another have healed but not totally. I am thankful for that time, it was nessessary, I think.
Shortly after I "came upon" a book called "Rich Dad's Before You Quit Your Job"
Boy was I exited I read it withe out stop and had mind blowing realizations. Like I do not have to work underneath someone to earn money. I can make my own business and be my own boss taking orders from no one. It was everything I hoped for in that moment, fresh out of school and needing a way for future. But more importantly It talked about fear, how it has control over everything we do. And It was a very profound realization to me.
"Everything I do is controlled by fear!"
I contemplated over my whole life and saw that I had done oh so many choice's out of fear. I was stunned.. "How could something so BIG been under my nose all the time withe out me seeing it??" Then the inevitable question which opened the way for all crept up.. "..What more is there that I do not know about?"
I essentially became a half full cup, started to look at things withe new eyes questioning everything what we do and why. Then looked inward and started thinking why do I do this and that? I started questioning everything I did, thinking why I did it where, did I get this idea?? So so many questions started to arise and I understood that much what I knew I took for granted.
Realization: "I did and thought things withe out really knowing why I did so."
At the time I also wanted to become a millionaire, live a life withe out having to work from 9 to 5 for the rest of my life. I despised the idea of having to work under someone and waste my day doing "work" when I could do what I want being rich. So getting a job after reading that book was out of the question. How to get rich was the new cool kid on the block. So I was on a "high" from the book. It was like I knew this BIG secret that no one els knew I felt elite. And I acted quite accordingly, withe the fear realization and work knowledge combination. I mused my self to the petty squabbels of others and their silly fears and lack of knowing. Of course it was in the inside I did it, being friendly outwardly. I was gonna get rich and the same time know more than others. Live a life where I do what I want and when I want it never having to worry about having little money..
Cant quite remember at this moment but somewhere I heard or saw the title of a film named "Zeitgeist". I put it on a "list to look at movies" and it sat there for maybe a few months. Until one time when I was feeling down, dint know what I wanted. So reluctantly I started watching it having no real thought's about this movie. Just doing something to keep the head busy. Once again my mind was blown! Conspiracies, everything I knew was an engineered illusion by men withe awesome power. I started pretty much preaching it or trying to impress and make people understand whats going on. WAKE UP YOU SHEEP!!!
It was once again a totally new world that I saw. Even when I was not bloated withe ego at some point. Trying to explain, that what we thought we knew were all carefully crafted lies by men who dominate the world behind shadows. Didn't go as I had imagined.
My parents were not receptive of the idea, every time I spoke about something "weird" I was the recipient of angry feelings usually. Most friends thought I was joking and/or weird.. it was a fine line to walk. So I stopped at some point trying so hard to preach. Instead I started watching all conspiracy related movies.
Everyday I watched everything that sparked my interest even a little. I got to know so much things I felt. Thought I knew more than others, unbelievable things that I knew that most had no clue of. During that time I played lots of video games too, to escape the grim reality what is going on around the world. Well video games have been withe me from childhood, so has tv since my dad used to watch it a lot. It was a weird time like any other hehe.
But it was hard to know all those things and not know what to do about em. Silent desperation seeped in, the world felt like such a dark place and we were being led to slaughter. But I socialized also to keep my self "steady". Quite a few times I told one of my friend who I could actually talk about these things that "If I always thought about these happenings, I would go crazy".
I was rebellious, food was poison, so was water, things people did were programmed in their head. It angered me greatly that my parents tried to make me behave like them. I just discovered I was programmed since I was a child. Now while I try understand the world through my own senses, trying to figure out what are my own thoughts. They want me to do what they say. There was a lot of anger.
I aimed to be receptive to what could be truth and block the rest. Even when I felt resistance to an idea which conflicted withe my own I had enough wisdom to hear or watch it still withe out judging it then and there. In that I was blessed withe a little wisdom. So on and off I felt good then bad, was high was low. Thought of my self as a very wise man, feeling like I was old, because I knew so much.
After my fake spiritual ego bubble burst, as the frustration had been building for a while trying to act like nothing can kick you out of balance when your mind is screaming behind your fake smile. I even remember the day it happened. I was walking out side and I got annoyed at something. Then I heard thoughts and images how I had been behaving weak, all the time while being fake friendly and so. Then and there I accepted the thought "F"#% that, I have had enough of acting like I cant lift a freaking rock!!" And I stopped being fake spiritual just like that, guess I became the normal selfish person again, more or less. The spiritual ego developed I think because of all the digging inside and I found so so much about my self.
So after that I was still seeking something, though I was confused. I was getting pieces of the puzzle, but when will it end? Read this see that, it gives you new knowledge but when will it end? Will this be IT? Such is life? Chasing this and that trying to find TRUTH in a an ocean of personal beliefs, false info, lies and so on. How will I ever KNOW withe out question something? I just can't take some ones word for something. I need to KNOW it! REALIZE it! Not just think it is so. That's how I felt, hearing words spoken, which to blindly believe just because it sounds good, was no good. In the end if I don't know, doubt will creep in like it did many a times..
I needed inside knowledge, literally. I had been putting this idea off quite some time. That, somehow I had to acquire wisdom/truth inside my self because, that is the only true source I can trust withe out doubt. This was always in the back of my mind like a fall back plan when I got totally lost on what I should do.
Out of body experience a book "William Buhlman -- Adventures Beyond The Body".
This was the answer to my prayers, it was the first time I read about astral projection. I dint understand what this was before, even though I had heard about out of body experiences and even astral projection. But it dint mean anything to me. The book instantly clicked "I can go out of body and experience things I need to learn from higher realms and my guides!!". It was perfect I was so exited, read the book in 2 days I think. And once more after that. SO after finding what seemed exactly what I was looking for, what did I do? I looked for MORE.. withe out using the knowledge I gained. Stored it in my "happy place" to remind my self that I have a ticket to do what I want but I wont use it yet first I need to know a lot more uh uhh.
Well after a lot more exploring of said subject, I moved to practical, I actually utilized what I learned. Dreams became very important and trying to stay awake while drifting off also. It was a interesting time withe many awesome experiences. Still to this day I record my dreams everyday, thanks to that time.
But interest waned and expectations where great. I slowly did less and less till only recording my dreams was left.
Things happened, my sister got a baby, my parent divorced and I was still confused. Material life crept back, subtly and for a while I could distract my self.
Feeling lost once again, in anguish, searching for something I stumbled upon the Ra sessions. Something in there rung my inner bell, it felt right.
I read a lot, losing myself in it. The initial buzz wore off maybe in 23-rd session. After that I read about 3 sessions a day sometimes less, more or none at all. With a online dictionary
I made it through all. I did not get the main thing figured out (yet) in those sessions but I felt great truth in there.
"Just an other signpost" I though in the end, as the material was read and doubt reared its ugly head after a while.
Back to normal selfish life. I started to recognize a pattern here.. Times of lots of spirituality then a lot of material. Still I rode the wave of despair till it hurt too much. Had books on my computer which I had not read. With need, searched through em till I read "The Children of the Law of One & the Lost Teachings of Atlantis"..
BOOM
(you still awake there?) In short I found it to be the greatest concentration of truth thus far I had found. I read zealously it was an emotional experience. I cried realizing how selfishly I lived. I wanted to understand god, be the servant of light. Be lower than dirt, humble, compassionate, caring, giving!! Do be UNSELFISH!!
Remembering my past "failures" I was very conscious of my thoughts and actions. So to be steady this time. I started to develop those virtues slowly and the same time started meditating a lot. I wanted to stop at least 8 times, in two of them I gave up for a second in my mind, but rebound as the fear was calmed somehow. But I lacked an income, have to sort out the earthly things. Living withe my mother, being a burden. After about two months of tribulations I felt that I had established it as a habit.
Saw that this was my chance to start a life of my own. Having accepted, that spirituality is not the knowing but acting. "I can work and evolve spiritually the same time!" The curious fear of going to work remained but the main block was removed. My concept of thinking. So even though I felt great fear, rationally I did not see why it persisted. So I got work in my hometown. (to clarify I have tried careers before and a lot of odd jobs) Like every other job before that it felt scary. Fear was constantly in the back of my mind, every morning had to muster my courage. But this was my choice and I was going to stick it out. (contract work for 2 months, with the chance of hire when its done)
I was quite the different person from my old self there. Tried keeping to my meditation and eating schedule (at appropriate moments). Always being in the moment and sincerely caring about others more than my self.
And I kept that up to the end of the contract. People thought me religious and was asked that more than once. I did not have a good answer as it was true and false.
The stress proved to much to handle though. Withe trying to keep true to my spiritual side and then work as well. So little time remained.
I could not effectively release the pressure that was building..
I found eating gave pleasure, so I ate more and more. Came home from work and ate more than I did for the whole day. It was the only release that brought even a moment of peace to my mind. I was very strict withe my self (no tv, no games, no alcohol) basically nothing that I consider could hamper my progress.
I understood it was bad for me but the fear was well nourished.
After the contract ended I was done. I was glad to get away from there. But the damage was done and for over 2 months after, I ate oh so much. I was like a crazy person, I knew it wrong and yet still did it. I gave in so much. At one point I ate so much that I felt about to puke. It was a vicious circle fearing not to eat and creating more fear, by eating and fearing what will happen to me, If I keep this up. It was terrible place to be no matter how much I understood this was wrong, fear overrode all sense. Did everything I could think off to stop this for good. None seemed to work. Somehow It started to easy it self slowly, I returned to relative normal, eating wise. I have still have a normal body, weight wise, but my face did get out of hand a little *sigh*
The meditations were a sorta challenge to do for 5 months, I stopped 2-3 days short I think. The job ended 5 months a go.
Four days a go I had an experience, seemingly casual, it rocked me to the core. Made me reflect where I was and what I was doing in life. I did not like what I saw.
So once again I feel the need to understand. I believe this road is right for me.
Upon thinking back I rarely asked for help, if at all.. I am scared to make my self vulnerable. But the same time I ache to be loved, accepted for all my folly and flaws. I came here on a selfish reason, to be helped staying on the path. I find this sad, but I hope I will benefit somehow you all more than I can imagine!!
Apologies for the mind numbing read I bet, but I thank you for reading it
Now here are some smiles bring you energy and joy
Lots of love
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