Lost for words

[Kalle]

Greetings

I would have liked to make an appearance on a lighter note, but I seem to have awoken in a bit of a rut and I'm not sure how to get out of it.

I'm a bit of a loner, never been too sociable. Had one relationship that was about 6(?) years ago that sent me off on a depressive self-destructive path once I realised what I'd thrown away. I then kept myself distracted with material things until I started smoking cannabis whenever I wasn't at work. It takes me back to when I was calm, accepting and not worrying about everything. I then smoked it heavily to cloud the depression, but I know my situation won't get any better if I just sit around getting baked so its a rarity now.

My 'awakening' began when I started smoking, it was nothing like the mainstream had made it out. Then it got me thinking, I prefer being baked to being drunk - no depressive thoughts, no violent thoughts and no hangover. Why is this illegal?! I found 'The Emperor Wears No Clothes' by Jack Herer online, which started to hammer home the idea of the mainstream being about profit, hemp is a threat to many industries. By this time I was becoming more open to conspiracies, though I felt like I wanted something that wasnt so negative to jump out at me. When browsing an imageboard about 2012, someone had replied in such a different way of thinking and had linked to the Ra material, I just had to find out what it was!

When I started reading about LOO and meditation I started getting down because I've been so un-loving of my body, I'm unfit, have a bad back and knees from a motorbike crash (not long after the breakup), ruined teeth, always had a sunken chest and the one that really puts me down, a physical problem with my red chakra. I would love to just 'get it fixed' but I am seriously squeamish, I cant think about medical procedures or I will faint. From what I read, to balance the chakra's one must start on the root and I don't know if meditating would relieve a physical problem :-/

I've thought about leaving this incarnation prematurely a few times, I had to take a day off work a few weeks ago because I'd been up all night seriously considering it. I went to go for a drive on that day off, still in a bad mood. Of all the people who could have driven by and made eye contact with at the end of my road it was my ex I love a coincedence but that was weird.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you have any idea how I can move forward I would be glad to hear it.

[Plenum]

hey Kalle! welcome.

yes, I think most of us here have been through some bad times, and some of those times may have lasted YEARS.

I went through a patch where I didn't look after myself; I ate the most unimaginable things, my teeth are still yellow, and I had a caffeine habit like you wouldn't believe. It led to poor sleep, and that led to poor states of mind. Not my finest hour lol.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you have any idea how I can move forward I would be glad to hear it.

the thing that has helped me most in the Past (and continues to be of assistance) is to make contact with your Higher Self. It is the one that knows the 'map of your life', the lessons to be learned, and the best way to go about it. It isn't rocket science either!

just sit quietly (it can be in a chair)

still your mind for about 10-20 seconds

make an EARNEST request to speak to your Higher Self

wait for a response (it might be a voice, some sort of signal, a sensation in your arm)

ask for Guidance. ask for advice about how to unify your BEING. ask your Higher Self to show you the Exact Problem in a single snapshot, so you know how to approach it.

- -

thanks for sharing your story.

The darkest stuff in our lives is the hardest to admit.

[Shin'Ar]

Understand that we are vibration. As such we exist at various distortions based upon the stimuli to whcih we are subjected.

Like the crystal glass subjected to too high a pitch it will lose ability to maintain its form and collapse.

I agree with Plenum except for the fact that you are new to the experience of seeking the higher self. The higher self is both higher consciousness and higher vibration, and many cannot go to the higehr consciousness without first going to the lower consciousness.

If you find that you have difficulty attaining that higher consciousness, you might want to remember that. many of the sacred texts refer to this.

I don't recall the Bible passage but wasn't there one where Christ something about not being able to go the father except through him?

Not directing you to Christianity by any means , just using that as an example of sacred texts referring to such phenomena.

In your case, you are blocked with many negative emotions about regret and self anger. Realizing that what you think is self is just a perception of experience, will help you to also realize that you are made of far more than one type of experience. This has not been your only incarnation and so your true identity is made up of countless experiences. Do not dwell on one aspect of a very lengthy span. Compared to the totality of what you really are, this is but the blink of an eye.

[kycahi]

Welcome here, Kalle. Your story resonates with many of us, so stick around for good ideas, on this thread and many others.

Depression fighting basics: Go outdoors and get exercise, listen to enjoyable music, laugh. You even can do all three at the same time, if you work it a bit. :idea:

[Oceania]

love yourself, start taking care of yourself. work on it gradually and be patient.

[Oldern]

Welcome here, Kalle!

I believe that I can bring some good news to you.
First of all: my experience is somewhat similar. I have been unloving to my body as well. I was alone as well. Or felt alone, anyway.

What you need to rely upon is simply that you will gravitate towards whatever technique can help you to understand the nature of your body issues - and to correct them. In my case, it was first Yoga, then QiQong, then simply chakra opening meditations.

Red chakra is still opened by meditation. It is just as a chakra as any chakra in your body. It is as much "physical" as "spiritual" - being on the lowest frequency of all in this octave though, it might seem resistant to change, but luckily, you can fix that.

The key is movement. First, you can start by slowing down the breathing, realizing "I exist". Then, steadily increase your pure water intake. Then, while doing either some light exercise, or chakra opening meditation, you will feel additional energies. Use those. Move. Stretch your muscles, run if you like, do some other form of exercise. It is as spiritual as everything we do all the time.

To me, this helped tremendously. I had a lot of different - sometimes quite serious - body issues, and the majority of those are either gone naturally, or reduced to the point when I am embracing my flaws instead of getting angry at it or feeling helpless/lost/vulnerable. Sometimes old habits come back, but that is alright. The key is acceptance.

[Parsons]

Kalle, your back story more closely matches mine than any other member on the forum that I've run in to. I even was in a motorcycle accident as well.

I too, suffer from bouts of depression and even the occasional thought of not being able to stand the bad before all this good that's supposed to be coming actually manifests. Although, I have been much more 'up' in the past few weeks.

I am a loner and have been my whole life. You may be comforted to know that there are several introverts on this forum with which to commiserate, if necessary.

I also was / am still unfit. I gained a bunch of weight about a year after my motorcycle accident, but somehow managed to lose 80+ pounds without exercising, as I had bad knees before the accident, which are now much worse. Actually, my right leg is by far the worst part of it, so my right knee is beyond messed up. I can walk fairly normally, but cant exercise on my feet. I don't know if this is the case for you as well.

How I lose weight, which was through sheer will-power: I realized I was addicted to food like any other alcoholic or drug addict that has their recreation spill over into the practical. I don't get much exercise, so I simply eat only 1 - 2 full meals a day, and reduced how much I eat of that meal. In my case, my stomach was stretched out and had to get used to eating smaller meals and sometimes fast for a day to shrink my stomach so a small amount of food makes me feel totally full. It was from this perspective that I realized that I was addicted and noticed how many other people seemed to be as well, although they didn't seem to notice. I know how hard this can be since I just willed myself to do this, so I only tell you this so you can see how someone in a truly similar situation to you how they got healthy(ier).

As for the relationship problem, I can't offer much advice as I am an idiot in that regard. I am just moving back in with my separated wife, but things are most definitely not good right now. Actually, I would probably prefer your situation to mine in that regard.


In any case, Welcome to the forums and I hope you find as much spiritual / metaphysical / conspiratorial(if thats your thing) enlightenment as I have so far.

[Plenum]

thanks for sharing Dunc.

you might have found a soul brother here Kalle

[Daydreamin]

Kalle, welcome aboard! And please stick around to see that nearly all of us have similar stories such as yours.

I believe that I'm nearing the end of my dark moments and now live just about all of my moments in the Light.

For me it's been without a doubt a very hard experience but now I can look back and laugh at it. Sort of

Join us in living in the Light and experience it with us!



Here's a passage from the Quotes thread....

The light inside me cannot exists without darkness. They are opposite and one.
As I experience the darkness, I experience the light.
As I experience the light, I experience the darkness.
Yet I can chose whichever of them I wish to live in.
And I can chose to see the love in both.
I am duality. I am love. I am one.

And so it is.

[godwide_void]

Welcome to the forum, my friend.

A few parts of your story resonate with a few aspects of my current incarnation here as well. Kalle, let it be known that soon, further down this wonderful path towards awakening which you have been treading upon, you will come to understand that the one whom you seek, that which you wish to better know, exists within you, and is indeed you and all that which surrounds you. It may not be apparent if you are still in the process of loosening the chains which bind you to this world, but nevertheless in your efforts to loosen these fetters you have effectively set in motion your imminent remembrance.

Know that all is well. Even in the bleakest, darkest of moments, do not forget that the underlining factor is light. You would not be here, nor would you have undergone all that you have, or continue to be bombarded with every subsequent experience, had you not previously decided to do so. This world is a classroom. Every situation you find yourself in is a lesson for you to learn, one that directly corresponds to some aspect of yourself.

You have found yourself here, on this forum, because your desire to seek truth and light is genuine, and resounds intensely enough in your being to have led you to this place. But do not think that it was a foreign being which shepherded you along the way. It is always there within you and around you. The Universe is ultimately conspiring to bring about your ultimate happiness, because there is no separation between you and the Universe. Creation and Creator are one. Please, never again entertain the idea of actually prematurely ending your life before it ends. You would be dropping out before you could accomplish what you were meant to do here, and essentially be witholding valuable experience for the Creator. Know that you are as much a unique and cherished being as any.

Peace be with you.

[Kalle]

Thanks for the kind words everyone

I meant to reply sooner but there have been doubts of how I come off, like the title I can be lost for words at times - I'm not the best of communicators, so I'll try to give it a better go this time!

In a recent review of how my life was going I realised I was smoking way too much and falling into the same patterns of not doing much. I don't like to hear people talk negatively of marijuana/cannabis, I've had some great times but a lack of self control got the better of me. It's been around a week since I've smoked and it feels like a step in the right direction (at last!)

After giving myself this little shake up, things have gotten a bit clearer - I was also getting stoned as an escape from my worklife. I work for a global oil & gas corporation and now I recognize how negative an environment it is, how unhappy it makes me and that being one of their little robot workers contributing to the suffering is not what I incarnated here for. Its very well paid, walking away from that will be difficult but I know I want to serve others, not a corporation. I definitely feel a need for change there, though I'm unsure what to do next.

I have to admit I have only tried to meditate a few times, the chatter didnt really quiet down and my lack of patience got the better of me. The last time I tried ended with me in a negative frame of mind, I would like to make it a positive everyday experience so I will be working towards that. I'm a newbie in that feild, so I dont think my higher self would offer itself that easily at the moment

I try not to think about my 'ailments' too much, the red chakra bothers me a bit though I know I can work with that. Forgot to mention I am also very short sighted. The one that gets me is my teeth, or whats left of them - I've not got much to chew with anymore and everytime I eat its a constant reminder of my past, only false teeth will fix that! In saying that, I'm not munching my way through mountains of food anymore so it has its upsides. I drink a lot of water nowadays, and I feel more comfortable with my body now than before having lost a bit of weight. Parsons, strangely enough my right knee came off worse than the left!

I've also had a few interesting experiences with Salvia Divinorum of late, talk about the veil being semi-permeable, whoa! I feel if I was more 'in tune' I could make a bit more sense of what I'm seeing, I would like to have a conversation with the 2 entities that seem so familiar on those little trips.

[TheFifty9Sound]

You've heard of people calling in sick. You may have called in sick a few times yourself. But have you ever thought about calling in well?

It'd go like this: You'd get the boss on the line and say, "Listen, I've been sick ever since I started working here, but today I'm well and I won't be in anymore." Call in well.

[Lycen]

Welcome Kalle,

Regarding the chatter while meditating I believe it does not "die down" (weird saying ) "easy" if at all. I did about 5 months of meditations. At least 3 of those months I meditated for hours a day. And the chatter did not subside, got louder. I think it as progress, but I did not go the mile and confirm it. As to what would have happened, If I had.
I quess my point is that measuring the success of you're meditations to the "noise" in they head either more or less is a difficult road to take. At this moment I find a blank as to what would be a fruitful way to measure ones progress. But should ya find it, do let me know .D aye?

May (bummer its not May anymore..) you're stay be and has been fulfilling.

[Kalle]

Now feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown that I don't think I'll make it through, I want out. The company laid me off which has made me feel like a worthless sack of sh*t. Of my 2 friends, one of them was through work and talking to him just brings up negativity - the other lives in another town and seems to be losing touch with me. I wonder why I thought I could help here.

I know that it's the stupid thing to do but I'm tiring of this I thought I could at least make it till december to see if anything happens, but as the days go by I grow more impatient.

[Unbound]

You are doing more than is needed, dear Light, rest assured that your being here, and being where you are, is meaningful and powerful. Remember you are never defined by any other than yourself, and I think you know that in truth you have a wonderfully large heart and a vast admiration of the beauty in the world. You are precious and deeply loved by your guides, your ancestors, and at the core by all of those who are also the Creator, which is all.

Sometimes it's difficult to see the love which is evidenced in nature, for it can at times be subtle for it is also wise in its approach. However, that we are unable to see it never means that the pattern is not there. It is the love which bridges all things, which manifests all the passions which drives each cell of live onwards and onwards to greater awarenesses of itself through continuance.

My heart deeply aches with you. I can feel the depth of your sorrow, and the underlying anger upon yourself which floats beneath the surface. It makes me want to cry, but not out of hopelessness, but because I know what hopelessness feels like, and it makes me want to do everything in the capacity of my powers to re-ignite the flame in your heart and the love in your soul and assist you to pour that Light outwards, and yet, I am limited by my mere words. Know that though you perhaps feel alone, or without a quantity of friends, you are not alone, and there are many that you may not be aware of, or even know directly, that already consider you their deep and eternal friend, for you are much love. Deepest love and blessings to you, shanti.

[Meerie]

Now feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown that I don't think I'll make it through, I want out. The company laid me off which has made me feel like a worthless sack of sh*t. Of my 2 friends, one of them was through work and talking to him just brings up negativity - the other lives in another town and seems to be losing touch with me. I wonder why I thought I could help here.

I know that it's the stupid thing to do but I'm tiring of this I thought I could at least make it till december to see if anything happens, but as the days go by I grow more impatient.

Interesting, maybe that is a blessing in disguise? Remember you talked about leaving that negative work environment anyways.
Maybe this is your chance to start working in another more positive job now.

Or whatever it is you feel like doing.
I have been thinking about quitting my job lately too.

[Lycen]

What a beautiful avatar you possess, if that's what a "sack of s***" sees as beauty, count me among em

You are helping Kalle, more ways then you or I can know. Be you that is all you need be, the light may seem bright in the seeming darkness.
But the pain that you feel is the love you are rejecting

[MissMiko]

Greetings

I would have liked to make an appearance on a lighter note, but I seem to have awoken in a bit of a rut and I'm not sure how to get out of it.

I'm a bit of a loner, never been too sociable. Had one relationship that was about 6(?) years ago that sent me off on a depressive self-destructive path once I realised what I'd thrown away. I then kept myself distracted with material things until I started smoking cannabis whenever I wasn't at work. It takes me back to when I was calm, accepting and not worrying about everything. I then smoked it heavily to cloud the depression, but I know my situation won't get any better if I just sit around getting baked so its a rarity now.

My 'awakening' began when I started smoking, it was nothing like the mainstream had made it out. Then it got me thinking, I prefer being baked to being drunk - no depressive thoughts, no violent thoughts and no hangover. Why is this illegal?! I found 'The Emperor Wears No Clothes' by Jack Herer online, which started to hammer home the idea of the mainstream being about profit, hemp is a threat to many industries. By this time I was becoming more open to conspiracies, though I felt like I wanted something that wasnt so negative to jump out at me. When browsing an imageboard about 2012, someone had replied in such a different way of thinking and had linked to the Ra material, I just had to find out what it was!

When I started reading about LOO and meditation I started getting down because I've been so un-loving of my body, I'm unfit, have a bad back and knees from a motorbike crash (not long after the breakup), ruined teeth, always had a sunken chest and the one that really puts me down, a physical problem with my red chakra. I would love to just 'get it fixed' but I am seriously squeamish, I cant think about medical procedures or I will faint. From what I read, to balance the chakra's one must start on the root and I don't know if meditating would relieve a physical problem :-/

I've thought about leaving this incarnation prematurely a few times, I had to take a day off work a few weeks ago because I'd been up all night seriously considering it. I went to go for a drive on that day off, still in a bad mood. Of all the people who could have driven by and made eye contact with at the end of my road it was my ex I love a coincedence but that was weird.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you have any idea how I can move forward I would be glad to hear it.

Kalle,
Thanks for sharing your story.
Moving forward after an awakening can seem to be quite the
challenge.

I often find myself reflecting on things of and around our planet.

I used to sit and wonder why on earth would I choose to incarnate to
parents that hated and despised my existence.

Its been a life long journey to overcome, and have found
myself to be quite alone as well, as the result.

I've considered myself leaving this incarnation....

But then I try to resonate with the idea of why on earth
would my soul choose this life for me.

I got word that most of my decision to be here, was to clear
my karma. In that those parents I currently have, were my own
children in my past life, in which I had treated quite cruelly.

So with that I just wanted to share with you your struggles
are not something your experiencing alone.

It is quite the challenge to overcome...but because
we are here, we really felt that we were able to do this!

The greatest challenge is identifying the love within yourself.

Forgive yourself for mistreating your body at the time when
you were unaware of just how significant and powerful your
vehicle is.

Don't try to dwell too much on "shoulda, woulda, coulda's".

It doesn't do ANYTHING but feed the vibration of negativity.

We are here to experience life in complete joy and bliss.
But identifying with exactly what it is that brings this to us
is the puzzle that only our souls can answer for us.

LOVE YOURSELF.

Speak to your soul....and answers will manifest in ways
you could identify as "coincidences".
I like to call them "synchronocities".....

One day at a time, my friend.

Remember, to undo a lifetime of unwanted structures and
beliefs, don't clear overnight.

Just be consistent and clear in your intentions to manifest
a life that you would prefer, and as co-creator, IT WILL MANIFEST!

It is LAW.

Lean on those that are resonating on your frequency....
we are here to help one another. <3

YOU CAN DO THIS!

[Confused]

I've thought about leaving this incarnation prematurely a few times, ...

Hello, Kalle. Let me say this sincerely.

We at b4th want you to be here on this forum with us, enriching our already beautiful online family. Your life is deeply precious to us. Please do not ever undervalue your own existence. One day, when you have walked through that dark tunnel and come out on the other side, you will have no idea as to how beautiful and powerful you will look to others because of your spiritual glow and aura. You will then fall in love yourself with your own inner self, the highest expression of the One Infinite Creator in you.

You do not have the right to deprive us and the world of your radiant presence here at this momentous juncture in our planet's history

[kycahi]

I have to admit I have only tried to meditate a few times, the chatter didnt really quiet down and my lack of patience got the better of me. The last time I tried ended with me in a negative frame of mind, I would like to make it a positive everyday experience so I will be working towards that. I'm a newbie in that feild, so I dont think my higher self would offer itself that easily at the moment

The chatter does drop off, so keep at it. When you stop wanting/expecting it to go away, it will. Maybe just briefly at first, but you will recognize it when it happens. Then you will know you are doing it right and continue the practice. Here's an idea: just as you begin, address your HS with a request to "let me get on with this! If I'm not ready then help me get there!" :-/

[xise]

Also, meditation has helped me learn that my mind is separate from me, and that I am truly am spirit/heart.

My mind is has run amok most of my life, and here, maybe 100 hours of meditation later, I recognize my ego/reaction prone/judgmental mind accounts for 80%+ of thoughts in my head, and very few thoughts originate from my spirit or heart.

The thoughts in my mind, the stimulus-response thoughts, are like songs in my head. And I accept that aspect of myself. But they do not define me!

One of the many benefits of sitting in silence.

[GentleReckoning]

Also, meditation has helped me learn that my mind is separate from me, and that I am truly am spirit/heart.

My mind is has run amok most of my life, and here, maybe 100 hours of meditation later, I recognize my ego/reaction prone/judgmental mind accounts for 80%+ of thoughts in my head, and very few thoughts originate from my spirit or heart.

The thoughts in my mind, the stimulus-response thoughts, are like songs in my head. And I accept that aspect of myself. But they do not define me!

One of the many benefits of sitting in silence.

It is interesting that you note that revelation occurring at that point. It is possible that I also around that time frame became cognizant of almost all actions having an ego/emotional drive to them. Being armchair intellectualist, this was a strange thing to note.

[reeay]

It is interesting that you note that revelation occurring at that point. It is possible that I also around that time frame became cognizant of almost all actions having an ego/emotional drive to them. Being armchair intellectualist, this was a strange thing to note.

What is an armchair intellectualist?

Emotional memory and emotions do take over and we tend to react to situations (fight, freeze, or flight), disallowing our rational, observer side from being able to understand, make plans, and execute appropriate action... and modify our plans based on feedback from outside.

I like the STOP method when ego/emotions is activated, you stop, take a deep breath, observe, and plan course of action. It sounds stupid but it's almost like being in the moment, and being able to be mindful of all the things that run amok within us. Allows people be more observant of what is happening inside... lower the volume of all the "noises" that go in the "head."

And within this mindful space, I think it's easier to access other mind functions (intuition etc.,) and spirit.

I really like mindful meditation because I could use it while I'm out and about doing things.

[Ellybelly]

Hello, first of all a big welcome to you.
I joined this site not too long ago myself and it really helped me to open up.
Second of all, in respect to your imbalance in your chakras, I can very much relate. I was having massive problems with my yellow ray and it lead me to research reiki and energy balancing. I was suffering panic attacks and found out it was due to my yellow chakra, and ever since my first reiki session I have never looked back, and I have never had a panic attack since. Plus I have always been a heavy user of ecstasy and MDNa (for 10 years) and since the reiki and meditation sessions, also with the LOO material I hardly ever use anymore and now am on my longest ever 'clean' length of time and I've never felt better. So I defo recommend reiki if u haven't already tried. Xx

[Karl]

Welcome! I'm a manic-depressive introvert at times too. Glad to meet you.

[kanonathena]

Me three! My voice used to shake violently in public speech, as I grew up I built an ego to protect myself, now I am still working on my yellow ray.

[Jimhu]

talk to "rie" in the Wanderer Stories. She knows about depression and how to help.

[reeay]

Many people here have such deep wisdom to understand 'depression' and have experiences that they may share... the 'how' is up to each of us to find out

[Dinko]

Understand that we are vibration. As such we exist at various distortions based upon the stimuli to whcih we are subjected.

Like the crystal glass subjected to too high a pitch it will lose ability to maintain its form and collapse.

I agree with Plenum except for the fact that you are new to the experience of seeking the higher self. The higher self is both higher consciousness and higher vibration, and many cannot go to the higehr consciousness without first going to the lower consciousness.

If you find that you have difficulty attaining that higher consciousness, you might want to remember that. many of the sacred texts refer to this.

I don't recall the Bible passage but wasn't there one where Christ something about not being able to go the father except through him?

Not directing you to Christianity by any means , just using that as an example of sacred texts referring to such phenomena.

In your case, you are blocked with many negative emotions about regret and self anger. Realizing that what you think is self is just a perception of experience, will help you to also realize that you are made of far more than one type of experience. This has not been your only incarnation and so your true identity is made up of countless experiences. Do not dwell on one aspect of a very lengthy span. Compared to the totality of what you really are, this is but the blink of an eye.

ur taking your human role to seriously... it is irrelevant... fak ur body, it's not you, you are you...distance yourself from the human part and u can be free...

[reeay]

ur taking your human role to seriously... it is irrelevant... fak ur body, it's not you, you are you...distance yourself from the human part and u can be free...

What he said was full of wisdom. There is excitement in the adventure of experiencing self in new/different ways and expanding understanding of that vast field of self knowledge!