02-17-2012, 02:25 AM
Hi,
I'm brand new here and I found this forum after I read visited this webpage: http://www.llresearch.org/wanderer.aspx.
I felt like it is an invitation to share my story. It might not be a story with alot of meat and there might not be a twist or a fantastic climax, but its MY story of belonging (or rather not belonging) and since I'm being invited to do so, I'll gladly share it, with love.
Whether anyone actually reads it or not, it matters little. I should have in fact done this long ago, I suppose I just needed a catalyst.
The link above paints a story very similar to my life 'in a previous life' (so to speak). Before the defining moment in my life occured, this was me - alienated, isolated, overwhelming feeling of not belonging. I'm not sure if this qualifies me as a 'wanderer', but there are definately glaring similarities.
I've always felt isolated in a sense. As a small child, I had few friends and only liked playing by myself.
As a teenager I still always felt I didn't belong, even though many of my peers wanted to be my friend. I was welcomed in many social groups, but never did I feel that I belong. I believe I was thought of by many as their friend/brother/partner in crime, but secretly I was always seeking something else, like there was something tapping me on the shoulder telling me "this is not it". I was only there, because I didn't know where else to be...
In my late teens early twenties I was almost completely alienated. I remember I was actively looking for the right people to associate myself with, but could not find the right fit. It was an extrememly confusing time and in many ways I was completely lost. My whole belief system came crashing down and with it, my self esteem, my grip on reality and everything that I thought I knew to be true. I was actively seeking something, and it was of a spiritual nature, but I couldn't find its essence. Its hard to explain, but looking back I was like a fish in the sea looking for the ocean.
I met a lot of people from various different groups, but right off the bat, I knew, time and again, that that is not what I was looking for.
To give a clearer picture: I got involved with new age churches, the theosophical society, energy healers, psycics, christians, vipassana meditation masters, alternative healers/medicine experts, rastafarians, hippies, artists, psychedelic groups/parties, pagans, TM, channels for ascended masters, hare krishna, you name it. I didn't really relate to any of them. I felt extremely isolated, alienated - even though I had alot of contact with many people, I had no connection to anything and it was a connection that I was seeking.
In my early twenties, no real friends to speak of, no girlfriend or any real human connection with anyone in this world I felt very lonely and lost indeed. By this time I had a very good idea what it was I was looking for. I was looking for a group or a person or something who was NOT concerned about making good impressions, or cared about being liked or respected. In other words, it was humility I was seeking. This is where my truth lay. All these groups above had one thing in common that put me off. They all tried to impress, either by how much they knew, how much they had, how elequantly they could formulate their thoughts or how much mystical experiences they've had. I could sense little humility and ego dominated. Its not that these people/groups were particularly 'full' of themselves, but they were more or less just normal people, the way people always behave in groups. In my mind they were just normal people with wacky ideas and interesting thought processes. This was not something I was looking for. Normal I could find anywhere, around every corner. I was looking for something 'special' and special to me was selflessness. 'Special' was not so easy to find.
Philosphically speaking, it is easy to see that I was looking for my own humility in a sense, my own space where I could be selfless and let go of my own desires.
Then, when I was 24 I found my spiritual Master!! And everything changed!!
Apart from being initiated into the most wonderful meditation method imaginable to man, I finally found a place where I could feel I'm being loved/respected for being alive and not because I knew how to rhyme or juggle balls in the air. An unconditional kind of love, or as close to it you'd find in this physical existence. After having spent some time with the group in a community environment where we spent the days working and meditating, everything changed. I'm not sure if it was having found a real living Master, or the relief of having found a group where I could actually belong, or if it was the meditation itself, or a combination of these factors, but everything changed, even though nothing was really different.
After that I continued my meditation (to this day) and the world opened up to me and it revealed itself in ways that I never could never have imagined. I did not feel isolated, alienated or like a stranger in a foreign land. For the first time I felt like I belong even though I was basically surrounded with pretty much the same people as before (by this time I had left my spiritual family community) where very very few shared any of my perceptions/ideas/thoughts/experiences. It did not matter, because in these people/group/Master I had found something in myself that I was seeking.
This does not mean that life is all roses and rainbows and that challenges, hardships and confusion do not exist. However, the nature of these obstacles has shifted and presents itself very differently from before. Every now and then I still face some insecurities regarding belonging/isolation, but as I successfully implement and re-implement the lessons, I've learnt during my earlier years, the nature or shape of these particular tests seems to present itself progressively less frequently.
I now have a different repeating pattern that I'm trying to overcome.
So wanderer or not, I'm not sure, but this is my story of belonging. Thank you for having taken the time to read it.
I welcome any feedback, comments or questions.
Namaste
I'm brand new here and I found this forum after I read visited this webpage: http://www.llresearch.org/wanderer.aspx.
I felt like it is an invitation to share my story. It might not be a story with alot of meat and there might not be a twist or a fantastic climax, but its MY story of belonging (or rather not belonging) and since I'm being invited to do so, I'll gladly share it, with love.
Whether anyone actually reads it or not, it matters little. I should have in fact done this long ago, I suppose I just needed a catalyst.
The link above paints a story very similar to my life 'in a previous life' (so to speak). Before the defining moment in my life occured, this was me - alienated, isolated, overwhelming feeling of not belonging. I'm not sure if this qualifies me as a 'wanderer', but there are definately glaring similarities.
I've always felt isolated in a sense. As a small child, I had few friends and only liked playing by myself.
As a teenager I still always felt I didn't belong, even though many of my peers wanted to be my friend. I was welcomed in many social groups, but never did I feel that I belong. I believe I was thought of by many as their friend/brother/partner in crime, but secretly I was always seeking something else, like there was something tapping me on the shoulder telling me "this is not it". I was only there, because I didn't know where else to be...
In my late teens early twenties I was almost completely alienated. I remember I was actively looking for the right people to associate myself with, but could not find the right fit. It was an extrememly confusing time and in many ways I was completely lost. My whole belief system came crashing down and with it, my self esteem, my grip on reality and everything that I thought I knew to be true. I was actively seeking something, and it was of a spiritual nature, but I couldn't find its essence. Its hard to explain, but looking back I was like a fish in the sea looking for the ocean.
I met a lot of people from various different groups, but right off the bat, I knew, time and again, that that is not what I was looking for.
To give a clearer picture: I got involved with new age churches, the theosophical society, energy healers, psycics, christians, vipassana meditation masters, alternative healers/medicine experts, rastafarians, hippies, artists, psychedelic groups/parties, pagans, TM, channels for ascended masters, hare krishna, you name it. I didn't really relate to any of them. I felt extremely isolated, alienated - even though I had alot of contact with many people, I had no connection to anything and it was a connection that I was seeking.
In my early twenties, no real friends to speak of, no girlfriend or any real human connection with anyone in this world I felt very lonely and lost indeed. By this time I had a very good idea what it was I was looking for. I was looking for a group or a person or something who was NOT concerned about making good impressions, or cared about being liked or respected. In other words, it was humility I was seeking. This is where my truth lay. All these groups above had one thing in common that put me off. They all tried to impress, either by how much they knew, how much they had, how elequantly they could formulate their thoughts or how much mystical experiences they've had. I could sense little humility and ego dominated. Its not that these people/groups were particularly 'full' of themselves, but they were more or less just normal people, the way people always behave in groups. In my mind they were just normal people with wacky ideas and interesting thought processes. This was not something I was looking for. Normal I could find anywhere, around every corner. I was looking for something 'special' and special to me was selflessness. 'Special' was not so easy to find.
Philosphically speaking, it is easy to see that I was looking for my own humility in a sense, my own space where I could be selfless and let go of my own desires.
Then, when I was 24 I found my spiritual Master!! And everything changed!!
Apart from being initiated into the most wonderful meditation method imaginable to man, I finally found a place where I could feel I'm being loved/respected for being alive and not because I knew how to rhyme or juggle balls in the air. An unconditional kind of love, or as close to it you'd find in this physical existence. After having spent some time with the group in a community environment where we spent the days working and meditating, everything changed. I'm not sure if it was having found a real living Master, or the relief of having found a group where I could actually belong, or if it was the meditation itself, or a combination of these factors, but everything changed, even though nothing was really different.
After that I continued my meditation (to this day) and the world opened up to me and it revealed itself in ways that I never could never have imagined. I did not feel isolated, alienated or like a stranger in a foreign land. For the first time I felt like I belong even though I was basically surrounded with pretty much the same people as before (by this time I had left my spiritual family community) where very very few shared any of my perceptions/ideas/thoughts/experiences. It did not matter, because in these people/group/Master I had found something in myself that I was seeking.
This does not mean that life is all roses and rainbows and that challenges, hardships and confusion do not exist. However, the nature of these obstacles has shifted and presents itself very differently from before. Every now and then I still face some insecurities regarding belonging/isolation, but as I successfully implement and re-implement the lessons, I've learnt during my earlier years, the nature or shape of these particular tests seems to present itself progressively less frequently.
I now have a different repeating pattern that I'm trying to overcome.
So wanderer or not, I'm not sure, but this is my story of belonging. Thank you for having taken the time to read it.
I welcome any feedback, comments or questions.
Namaste
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