Hi folks, I just found this website yesterday while searching to see if there had been any updates at the L/L Research webpage since I'd visited last. I am looking forward to participating in the chat, as I don't have anyone in my "real life" to talk to about any spiritual issues. I thought I would post an intro here, I will try to keep it short but I'm sure I'll ramble.
I've suffered from deep depression since I was a small kid, and was frequently picked on and bullied in school, such that by my teenage years I was very overweight and dressed in all-black clothing. I was always into things that other people found strange, like art, independent film, all types of music, foreign comics, and although I felt myself to be very open-minded and accepting of others, I found that I was frequently rejected by other kids for not paying attention to mainstream TV shows and popular movies, etc. My parents had some books on buddhism and zen, and the concept of "life is suffering" rang very true to me, so I began a practice of meditation, as well as yoga.
Gradually, in college, I became exposed to more metaphysical writings and books about psychedelic experience by folks like Tim Leary, John Lilly and Terence Mckenna. I read feverishly about "altered states" and out-of-body experiences, and although I wanted to experiment with some drugs, I didn't have any friends who could get me any, so I mostly just read about it. Over time, this reading led me to Daniel Pinchbeck's online forum in '02, where people discussed topics including psychedelics, but also branching into issues like conspiracy theories, 2012, metaphysics (he was a big fan of Rudolph Steiner). One name I saw discussed several times (and usually ridiculed) was David Icke, so I checked out his "Biggest Secret" book, which really blew my mind and got me thinking about a lot more "far out" issues. I began reading as many of the books he'd reference in his bibliographies as I could find, so I got heavily into conspiracy theories as well as channeling and stuff about UFOs.
Between '02 and '05 I devoured probably hundreds of books on these subjects, spending a lot of time with The Seth Material, The Ra Material, Cosmic Awareness, Messages From Matthew, Amitakh Stanford's material, Fritz Springmeier's books and lots of research on government mind control, MKULTRA and that sort of thing. I filled my living space with pieces of orgonite and crystals, burned sage, did lots of visualization and affirmation work from the books I was reading, and spent a lot of time doing "information activism" of sharing books and posting info on forums on the web. In a lot of ways, my life became totally different from how it was previously, and I became much less concerned with issues like "social popularity" or "fitting in", when I had realized that our world was in tremendous peril and under the control of Luciferian and Satanic groups being guided by extra-dimensional negative forces. Oi vey!
I tried my best to share books and information with my friends and people I'd meet, but had pretty depressing experiences with all of it. Most people thought I was nuts for even reading this sort of material, and I ended up getting called a "space cadet" more than once, while most kids my age debated over whether the republican or democratic party was the best choice, etc. I was able to start my first relationship with a woman, which at age 23 I felt like a pretty huge loser for never having had a serious girlfriend, and was hugely relieved when I found I could share my thoughts with her and she was actually open and interested. We ended up doing a tremendous amount of reading and discussing of material together. She also suffered from a lot of depression/bipolar as well, and our relationship gradually became very dysfunctional, with a lot of arguments over nothing. That is getting ahead of myself though.
After we graduated from college, we lived in the Bay Area for about a year and a half, but had a tremendously difficult time finding work. She got a couple of coffee shop jobs that paid like $8/hr, and I found a part-time job in a dance record warehouse, and later a book warehouse. The commute was insane, the pollution was really bad (air/water/noise, you name it), we had gunfire next door more than once, and the rent for a tiny 1BD apartment was ridiculous. By this time, we had been reading conspiracy theory material for several years, and were genuinely very concerned that MARTIAL LAW was looming on the horizon at any moment, with lots of websites posting predictions that "next month is gonna be a huge event" or "its all going to go down this Fall!" etc etc. Well, obviously the predictions were BS, and in retrospect I can see that people have been predicting martial law regularly since at least the '80s. But at the time, we felt the best thing was to get OUT of the city and look for community. Especially having read George Green's Handbook For The New Paradigm series, which talks specifically about the important of find "like-minded spiritual community" and establishing a new society based on such, this seemed very important to us, as well as the logical "next step".
So we spent a couple months trying to connect with people setting up intentional communities in central california, but it seemed like everyone we met was just at the IDEA stage of the process, and everyone was waiting for financial backing, or workers to build stuff, and we found the personalities involved to often be a little kooky or dogmatic. We gradually made our way north, and fell in love with Mt. Shasta and Siskiyou County, which many people have written is a spiritual energy center. We also found a house over twice as big as our city apartment, for almost $300/month LESS, so we were very happy to move. Unfortunately the trouble with living in the middle of nowhere is that its even harder to find any work, so it took a while to get stable jobs, but at least our expenses were reduced and we were able to get out in nature all the time.
This is already going really long, so I'll cut to the chase. The "spiritual people" in Mt. Shasta all seemed to be twice our age and very dogmatic, usually ONLY paying any attention to the Sananda material of the I AM Church, and spending a lot of time praying to ascended masters, which was never anything I was interested in or drawn to. They frequently had literally NO AWARENESS of the conspiracy-type material, and were not open to discussing other channeled sources of information if it wasn't talking about I AM concepts of Ascension and the Violet Flame and all that. My relationship with my gf became more and more toxic as years passed and we were still making very little money, frequently running out of cash before the end of the month, unable to find better jobs. Eventually she met a pathological liar new age guy who convinced her that they were soul-mates, and that the CIA had sterilized him so there was no problem having unprotected sex, and ended up getting her pregnant. They now live together and the few times I've seen her she has shown me bruises from where he beats her.
SO now I'm living in the middle of nowhere, with only a couple of friends who live about 45 mins drive away, and a part-time job that barely covers my rent, bills and gas each month. I have applied to grad school in Portland OR, which would give me a chance to move to a more populated area and maybe get involved in some music. I have been composing my own music for many years, and FINALLY got a response to a demo CD I mailed out over the winter, and got a two-album deal with an indie label in Chicago! So I'll have my first full-length CD in stores hopefully in the Fall, which I'm really psyched about. I am very confused about my next step though, as I still feel like the big cities are NOT a good place to be, and I really wish I could have found that "like-minded community" I have been searching for for so long...
Where I'm going with all of this is... after all these years, I am still struggling with depression very strongly every day. I frequently wake up feeling sad. I have sad dreams where I'm crying or arguing with someone. I feel sad to the point of tears I would say several times per week. I am lonely and have no one to talk with about anything less superficial than "what music is cool" or "what movies do you like", which seems to be the main interest of people my age. I'm 28 now, and have been "awake and aware" to these metaphysical issues for about seven years now. I guess I feel very let-down with the amount of effort I've put into my meditation, visualization and affirmation practice, and the results I seem to have gotten (*not freakin' much*). I literally feel as though I've spent hundreds of hours meditating on visualizing light permeating my being, permeating the hearts of all beings, permeating the world, creating a strong connection with the highest levels of consciousness, the Christ consciousness and the will of the Creator. I am constantly affirming my own balance, peace and vibrant health, and my willingness to be of service in whatever way the Creator will move me. But I feel no great peace in my heart. I feel sad most of the time, and confused about what to do with myself, frustrated by how broke I am financially. When I meditate in silence, I feel great calm, but as soon as I'm out of it, its like "well, back to the sh*t pile of my life".
I am also distressed by all of the contradictions of the material I've read. It sometimes makes me wonder if any of this spiritual material is actually valid, or its all some sort of distortion that we're working through.
Existentially I feel very unhappy. I frequently wonder WHY I would have chosen to incarnate in such a life. I have done past-life regressions in which I also got in touch with a couple of previous lives, both of which were extremely depressing and lonely as well. This world seems to be full of suffering that is mainly the fault of the higher beings in positions of power forcing their will on beings who are not even aware enough to defend themselves. I wonder what sort of effect I truly intended to have on this earth, as my life has been one of constant disappointment and alienation. I do not write this asking for sympathy, rather I genuinely wonder what I can do about this. I still meditate almost every day, do info activism regularly, do my best to share information with friends and acquaintances. The Ra Material, along with the Cosmic Awareness material, has stayed strong with me throughout these years, while other sources of information have come and gone from my focus. I am happy to find a forum where we can discuss these issues, and I hope I'll have something valuable to input. I wonder why my "soul" would have chosen this experience of intense emotional suffering, on such a distorted, degraded planet. I mainly just desire to leave, to be done with it all, to return to my spiritual source and NEVER have anything to do with the planet Earth again. The suffering has already been so intense, I really wonder how I can ever feel as though it was "worth it". This world seems to be EXTREMELY messed up, which suggests to me that something is very wrong with consciousness in this universe. I especially feel a great deal of compassion and heartache for the victims of satanic ritual abuse and mind control, which most new agers are completely oblivious to, and get upset when I bring it up. I could go on and on but I'll stop.
Thank you for the space to share my thoughts.
Tim
Gosh that ended up being long, I'm embarassed.
I forgot to mention my websites: http://www.truesoundhealing.com for my meditation music and MFA thesis on The Use Of Sound For Control, Healing and Empowerment
http://www.tanukidreams.net for my new ambient electronic music, music reviews, etc.
Tim
I've suffered from deep depression since I was a small kid, and was frequently picked on and bullied in school, such that by my teenage years I was very overweight and dressed in all-black clothing. I was always into things that other people found strange, like art, independent film, all types of music, foreign comics, and although I felt myself to be very open-minded and accepting of others, I found that I was frequently rejected by other kids for not paying attention to mainstream TV shows and popular movies, etc. My parents had some books on buddhism and zen, and the concept of "life is suffering" rang very true to me, so I began a practice of meditation, as well as yoga.
Gradually, in college, I became exposed to more metaphysical writings and books about psychedelic experience by folks like Tim Leary, John Lilly and Terence Mckenna. I read feverishly about "altered states" and out-of-body experiences, and although I wanted to experiment with some drugs, I didn't have any friends who could get me any, so I mostly just read about it. Over time, this reading led me to Daniel Pinchbeck's online forum in '02, where people discussed topics including psychedelics, but also branching into issues like conspiracy theories, 2012, metaphysics (he was a big fan of Rudolph Steiner). One name I saw discussed several times (and usually ridiculed) was David Icke, so I checked out his "Biggest Secret" book, which really blew my mind and got me thinking about a lot more "far out" issues. I began reading as many of the books he'd reference in his bibliographies as I could find, so I got heavily into conspiracy theories as well as channeling and stuff about UFOs.
Between '02 and '05 I devoured probably hundreds of books on these subjects, spending a lot of time with The Seth Material, The Ra Material, Cosmic Awareness, Messages From Matthew, Amitakh Stanford's material, Fritz Springmeier's books and lots of research on government mind control, MKULTRA and that sort of thing. I filled my living space with pieces of orgonite and crystals, burned sage, did lots of visualization and affirmation work from the books I was reading, and spent a lot of time doing "information activism" of sharing books and posting info on forums on the web. In a lot of ways, my life became totally different from how it was previously, and I became much less concerned with issues like "social popularity" or "fitting in", when I had realized that our world was in tremendous peril and under the control of Luciferian and Satanic groups being guided by extra-dimensional negative forces. Oi vey!
I tried my best to share books and information with my friends and people I'd meet, but had pretty depressing experiences with all of it. Most people thought I was nuts for even reading this sort of material, and I ended up getting called a "space cadet" more than once, while most kids my age debated over whether the republican or democratic party was the best choice, etc. I was able to start my first relationship with a woman, which at age 23 I felt like a pretty huge loser for never having had a serious girlfriend, and was hugely relieved when I found I could share my thoughts with her and she was actually open and interested. We ended up doing a tremendous amount of reading and discussing of material together. She also suffered from a lot of depression/bipolar as well, and our relationship gradually became very dysfunctional, with a lot of arguments over nothing. That is getting ahead of myself though.
After we graduated from college, we lived in the Bay Area for about a year and a half, but had a tremendously difficult time finding work. She got a couple of coffee shop jobs that paid like $8/hr, and I found a part-time job in a dance record warehouse, and later a book warehouse. The commute was insane, the pollution was really bad (air/water/noise, you name it), we had gunfire next door more than once, and the rent for a tiny 1BD apartment was ridiculous. By this time, we had been reading conspiracy theory material for several years, and were genuinely very concerned that MARTIAL LAW was looming on the horizon at any moment, with lots of websites posting predictions that "next month is gonna be a huge event" or "its all going to go down this Fall!" etc etc. Well, obviously the predictions were BS, and in retrospect I can see that people have been predicting martial law regularly since at least the '80s. But at the time, we felt the best thing was to get OUT of the city and look for community. Especially having read George Green's Handbook For The New Paradigm series, which talks specifically about the important of find "like-minded spiritual community" and establishing a new society based on such, this seemed very important to us, as well as the logical "next step".
So we spent a couple months trying to connect with people setting up intentional communities in central california, but it seemed like everyone we met was just at the IDEA stage of the process, and everyone was waiting for financial backing, or workers to build stuff, and we found the personalities involved to often be a little kooky or dogmatic. We gradually made our way north, and fell in love with Mt. Shasta and Siskiyou County, which many people have written is a spiritual energy center. We also found a house over twice as big as our city apartment, for almost $300/month LESS, so we were very happy to move. Unfortunately the trouble with living in the middle of nowhere is that its even harder to find any work, so it took a while to get stable jobs, but at least our expenses were reduced and we were able to get out in nature all the time.
This is already going really long, so I'll cut to the chase. The "spiritual people" in Mt. Shasta all seemed to be twice our age and very dogmatic, usually ONLY paying any attention to the Sananda material of the I AM Church, and spending a lot of time praying to ascended masters, which was never anything I was interested in or drawn to. They frequently had literally NO AWARENESS of the conspiracy-type material, and were not open to discussing other channeled sources of information if it wasn't talking about I AM concepts of Ascension and the Violet Flame and all that. My relationship with my gf became more and more toxic as years passed and we were still making very little money, frequently running out of cash before the end of the month, unable to find better jobs. Eventually she met a pathological liar new age guy who convinced her that they were soul-mates, and that the CIA had sterilized him so there was no problem having unprotected sex, and ended up getting her pregnant. They now live together and the few times I've seen her she has shown me bruises from where he beats her.
SO now I'm living in the middle of nowhere, with only a couple of friends who live about 45 mins drive away, and a part-time job that barely covers my rent, bills and gas each month. I have applied to grad school in Portland OR, which would give me a chance to move to a more populated area and maybe get involved in some music. I have been composing my own music for many years, and FINALLY got a response to a demo CD I mailed out over the winter, and got a two-album deal with an indie label in Chicago! So I'll have my first full-length CD in stores hopefully in the Fall, which I'm really psyched about. I am very confused about my next step though, as I still feel like the big cities are NOT a good place to be, and I really wish I could have found that "like-minded community" I have been searching for for so long...
Where I'm going with all of this is... after all these years, I am still struggling with depression very strongly every day. I frequently wake up feeling sad. I have sad dreams where I'm crying or arguing with someone. I feel sad to the point of tears I would say several times per week. I am lonely and have no one to talk with about anything less superficial than "what music is cool" or "what movies do you like", which seems to be the main interest of people my age. I'm 28 now, and have been "awake and aware" to these metaphysical issues for about seven years now. I guess I feel very let-down with the amount of effort I've put into my meditation, visualization and affirmation practice, and the results I seem to have gotten (*not freakin' much*). I literally feel as though I've spent hundreds of hours meditating on visualizing light permeating my being, permeating the hearts of all beings, permeating the world, creating a strong connection with the highest levels of consciousness, the Christ consciousness and the will of the Creator. I am constantly affirming my own balance, peace and vibrant health, and my willingness to be of service in whatever way the Creator will move me. But I feel no great peace in my heart. I feel sad most of the time, and confused about what to do with myself, frustrated by how broke I am financially. When I meditate in silence, I feel great calm, but as soon as I'm out of it, its like "well, back to the sh*t pile of my life".
I am also distressed by all of the contradictions of the material I've read. It sometimes makes me wonder if any of this spiritual material is actually valid, or its all some sort of distortion that we're working through.
Existentially I feel very unhappy. I frequently wonder WHY I would have chosen to incarnate in such a life. I have done past-life regressions in which I also got in touch with a couple of previous lives, both of which were extremely depressing and lonely as well. This world seems to be full of suffering that is mainly the fault of the higher beings in positions of power forcing their will on beings who are not even aware enough to defend themselves. I wonder what sort of effect I truly intended to have on this earth, as my life has been one of constant disappointment and alienation. I do not write this asking for sympathy, rather I genuinely wonder what I can do about this. I still meditate almost every day, do info activism regularly, do my best to share information with friends and acquaintances. The Ra Material, along with the Cosmic Awareness material, has stayed strong with me throughout these years, while other sources of information have come and gone from my focus. I am happy to find a forum where we can discuss these issues, and I hope I'll have something valuable to input. I wonder why my "soul" would have chosen this experience of intense emotional suffering, on such a distorted, degraded planet. I mainly just desire to leave, to be done with it all, to return to my spiritual source and NEVER have anything to do with the planet Earth again. The suffering has already been so intense, I really wonder how I can ever feel as though it was "worth it". This world seems to be EXTREMELY messed up, which suggests to me that something is very wrong with consciousness in this universe. I especially feel a great deal of compassion and heartache for the victims of satanic ritual abuse and mind control, which most new agers are completely oblivious to, and get upset when I bring it up. I could go on and on but I'll stop.
Thank you for the space to share my thoughts.
Tim
Gosh that ended up being long, I'm embarassed.
I forgot to mention my websites: http://www.truesoundhealing.com for my meditation music and MFA thesis on The Use Of Sound For Control, Healing and Empowerment
http://www.tanukidreams.net for my new ambient electronic music, music reviews, etc.
Tim
Still, what I claim has been my understanding for a few years now. If you keep pushing left, yet keep moving right. Perhaps pushing right will move you left? Explorative causality 
