08-30-2010, 08:59 PM
So...lately I've been in the process of confronting my shadow self in a rather abrupt way. Because of various events in my life I've been forced to not only discover but dive deeply into my own inner darkness. This is something I’ve gone through on numerous occasions, but never have I been able to look at myself with such an honest perspective. In the past I’ve always tended to blame these negative thoughts and feelings on other people, life circumstances or evil entities hiding in my closet.
However, I’ve come to realize that if I do not address these issues with a completely honest, objective disposition I am going to become so consumed by this struggle that I am going to lose my grip on reality and no longer be able to function in this program we call life. I’ve discovered a lot of dark thoughts that, as much as I sometimes wish they were, were not planted in my head by demons, nor were they forced upon me by any circumstance that would allow me to play the victim. They were created by my own emotions and inner turmoil, and by repressing them for decades now they have practically gained their own consciousness. Still, though this dark being inside of me seems so foreign, I can no longer deny the fact that it is simply a facet of my own soul that I have chosen to ignore.
In attempting to accept this part of myself, I’ve had to come to some realizations. One of those is that I simply like the dark side better. It doesn’t necessarily seem fun, but it seems like something I could adapt to better than all of these randomly exploding emotions and frustrating attempts to understand why other people do what they do. The discipline and control...those appeal to me a lot. The dark magic...that appeals to me even more. Many of the abilities I already possess would help me greatly on this path, while I have to discard them completely while following the STO path. If you look at it as a simple logical equation, I should be signing my name on the STS roster right now.
So there’s logic for you. But, in spite of all that, for some reason, I’m still here, trying to be STO. Why? When I look at it in my head, this path seems harder. It seems more painful, and utterly frustrating a great deal of the time. But something pushes me toward the light path, even if I kick and scream along the way. Something in my heart refuses to die, and perhaps it is my inability to bring myself to cut that something out of myself that brings me here.
I care about people, damn it, even though half the time I don’t want to. I don’t understand them. Many of them hurt me and think nothing about it. But still I care and that’s just how it is. I couldn’t not care if I tried. Perhaps it’s my empathetic nature...if I can feel the pain of others, how can I not have compassion? If I hurt them, I truly hurt myself in a literal sense. If I were to cut someone open, my flesh would feel their wound as well. Sometimes it seems like a cruel joke, but then I wonder if it was something I chose to have in a last ditch attempt to reverse a negative polarity that I’ve been building for lifetimes. Something, somewhere along the way, has pierced that shield and stabbed straight into my heart. It hurts when love gushes out like blood, but once you’ve felt true, unconditional love, how can you ever go back?
This has caused me a tremendous deal of confusion. I was content in believing that, after awakening and discovering the joy of universal love, that I could simply ride the wave all the way into the next density, but now I’ve realized that there is much balancing work to be done. I can’t simply stomp out my darker nature and pretend to be a saint. I have to accept all of myself...even the parts that have desires and motivations that my waking consciousness finds frightening. And then, somehow, I have to smoosh all of that together into one thing that somehow will come out at one end or the other...it seems like from this perspective that a person would always just be caught in the middle.
In the end, the best way I have been able to handle it is to once again take up logic, and turn it into a sort of mathematical formulation. I’ve added up the pros and cons of both sides after studying both of them in depth, and in the end, STO seems, in the long run, more logical, productive and beneficial to both myself and those around me, even if the ride there is more bumpy. So I take the logical choice and keep on the STO path...but that sounds so cold. Is it possible to be a positive person, not because emotion has moved you to that polarity, but because it seems like a solid choice that will produce sound results? Much confusion indeed...
Whatever I am at the moment, I know this:
The sight of a beautiful sunset can still move me to tears.
Seeing other people happy makes me happy.
I realize that both light and shadow are necessary to maintain the cycles of the universe, and I accept that all is perfect in its own right.
I have a love for my Creator that will not die, in spite of any dark feelings I have, any negative choices I make, any paths I take or any traumas I suffer. Whatever my feelings on the matter, this love is more potent than any other force acting upon my person, and I cannot deny it in any way, no matter how hard I may try.
In the end, I guess I’m just me, as always. I just wanted to share these feelings, as I feel they have played an immense role in my discovery of self and a higher power. Sorry for the long post, yall.
However, I’ve come to realize that if I do not address these issues with a completely honest, objective disposition I am going to become so consumed by this struggle that I am going to lose my grip on reality and no longer be able to function in this program we call life. I’ve discovered a lot of dark thoughts that, as much as I sometimes wish they were, were not planted in my head by demons, nor were they forced upon me by any circumstance that would allow me to play the victim. They were created by my own emotions and inner turmoil, and by repressing them for decades now they have practically gained their own consciousness. Still, though this dark being inside of me seems so foreign, I can no longer deny the fact that it is simply a facet of my own soul that I have chosen to ignore.
In attempting to accept this part of myself, I’ve had to come to some realizations. One of those is that I simply like the dark side better. It doesn’t necessarily seem fun, but it seems like something I could adapt to better than all of these randomly exploding emotions and frustrating attempts to understand why other people do what they do. The discipline and control...those appeal to me a lot. The dark magic...that appeals to me even more. Many of the abilities I already possess would help me greatly on this path, while I have to discard them completely while following the STO path. If you look at it as a simple logical equation, I should be signing my name on the STS roster right now.
So there’s logic for you. But, in spite of all that, for some reason, I’m still here, trying to be STO. Why? When I look at it in my head, this path seems harder. It seems more painful, and utterly frustrating a great deal of the time. But something pushes me toward the light path, even if I kick and scream along the way. Something in my heart refuses to die, and perhaps it is my inability to bring myself to cut that something out of myself that brings me here.
I care about people, damn it, even though half the time I don’t want to. I don’t understand them. Many of them hurt me and think nothing about it. But still I care and that’s just how it is. I couldn’t not care if I tried. Perhaps it’s my empathetic nature...if I can feel the pain of others, how can I not have compassion? If I hurt them, I truly hurt myself in a literal sense. If I were to cut someone open, my flesh would feel their wound as well. Sometimes it seems like a cruel joke, but then I wonder if it was something I chose to have in a last ditch attempt to reverse a negative polarity that I’ve been building for lifetimes. Something, somewhere along the way, has pierced that shield and stabbed straight into my heart. It hurts when love gushes out like blood, but once you’ve felt true, unconditional love, how can you ever go back?
This has caused me a tremendous deal of confusion. I was content in believing that, after awakening and discovering the joy of universal love, that I could simply ride the wave all the way into the next density, but now I’ve realized that there is much balancing work to be done. I can’t simply stomp out my darker nature and pretend to be a saint. I have to accept all of myself...even the parts that have desires and motivations that my waking consciousness finds frightening. And then, somehow, I have to smoosh all of that together into one thing that somehow will come out at one end or the other...it seems like from this perspective that a person would always just be caught in the middle.
In the end, the best way I have been able to handle it is to once again take up logic, and turn it into a sort of mathematical formulation. I’ve added up the pros and cons of both sides after studying both of them in depth, and in the end, STO seems, in the long run, more logical, productive and beneficial to both myself and those around me, even if the ride there is more bumpy. So I take the logical choice and keep on the STO path...but that sounds so cold. Is it possible to be a positive person, not because emotion has moved you to that polarity, but because it seems like a solid choice that will produce sound results? Much confusion indeed...
Whatever I am at the moment, I know this:
The sight of a beautiful sunset can still move me to tears.
Seeing other people happy makes me happy.
I realize that both light and shadow are necessary to maintain the cycles of the universe, and I accept that all is perfect in its own right.
I have a love for my Creator that will not die, in spite of any dark feelings I have, any negative choices I make, any paths I take or any traumas I suffer. Whatever my feelings on the matter, this love is more potent than any other force acting upon my person, and I cannot deny it in any way, no matter how hard I may try.
In the end, I guess I’m just me, as always. I just wanted to share these feelings, as I feel they have played an immense role in my discovery of self and a higher power. Sorry for the long post, yall.