07-18-2017, 09:22 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-18-2017, 09:33 PM by sjel.
Edit Reason: added TL;DR, and edited to clarify original intention.
)
Alright. I really hope to clarify my own thoughts in this post, because I just sent a link to my brother and mother to this forum - brother and mother who did not know until now why I spend so much time on the computer.
I'm sane right now (at this moment that I type this). However I see the border to insane right there. I am consciously moving towards the border. Lucky for me, I am not catapulting towards insanity. For whatever reason, I seem to be in a spiritual position that I can communicate and consciously control how rapidly I approach insanity, or awakening.
I have always had this notion that one of my purposes was being able to awaken under the continuous gaze of other people. And describe it, in detail, as it occurs. Real time.
So right now I am unawakened. Undergoing the awakening process. Seems arrogant to say that, but isn't that true of you, too?? (edit: true that you are awakening) I believed until like three days ago I wasn't allowed to say anything about personal awakening or consciously acknowledge it, because that would be egotistical. (I judged people for saying they are awakening!! Now THAT'S crazy.)
Alright. I am really weirding out my brother and mom - to the extent that they have stopped talking to me. This is because I am refusing to speak 'normally,' and instead of trying to be sane I am embracing the insane.
In fact I am very close to just going out and revealing that I am insane to the neighbors!! (Of course only if we make eye contact - I will not impose my presence on them.) My plan is to in some way directly say, with the general mirth that I feel about this situation, "I am insane!" and shrug or something.
In fact I am realizing that which path I take is irrelevant, because my WILL to pretend to be sane is drying up, fairly fast. Not uncomfortably. My ABILITY to act sane is actually the same, or perhaps increasing? Or perhaps it will increase as I have more reason to connect to more people.
I hope I am making some sense. I am writing half to myself, to track the process later. (Another vow of mine is to delete nothing that I post, except for quick edits.)
Haha!! Inwardly I feel a growing sense of freedom. Growing slowly but surely. Because I realize that pretending to be sane is insane!! (Here we go. I was hoping to communicate my sense of positivity, and not just my hesitation.)
So. Essentially my resistance to my true Self, the Self that is ME, is eroding!! At a pace that I am comfortable with!!! BECAUSE, for so long, I have been consciously striving very hard to accept ALL, ALL, ALL, negativity that arises within me!! And for some reason, now appears to be the time that the negativity-acceptance is paying off.
I am not there yet. I am approaching the line, and I seem to be taking each step consciously, rather than it being forced upon me (for example if literally all the negativity within me arose at ONCE, which would be absolutely devastating to remaining in control - and which, I feel like, a lot of humans are headed towards this!! I do not see how mass 'insanity,' i.e. mass awakening, is not inevitable. Perhaps that is what we are preparing ourselves for.)
Anyway. I am beginning to see very little difference, spiritually, between me sitting here on my bed typing, and me going out and walking naked in the street while the neighbors are all outside. Haha!! Notice I said 'little difference,' because the thought of doing that makes me still a little nervous.
I would be much more comfortable, and much more other-oriented I believe, simply walking outside with no intentions, not hiding my smile, and greeting everyone I see, not hiding my True Self! Perhaps it was certainly overbalancing to consider doing otherwise (meaning the rubber band of sanity has overcompensated somewhat for the past two years of me hiding my insanity!)
Actually, right now I just feel more at peace with myself than I ever have before. I feel little need to do anything, little need to provoke incredulous responses from other people, precisely BECAUSE I am so open to the option of doing so!! In mentally finding peace with situations such as taking off my clothes in the middle of the street, I have NO NEED to do so!!!
I hope I am making sense, and please, I welcome any and all criticism and advice right now!! Any reaction your words provoke in me, I have come to accept that it is my own personal distortion which causes it.
Dismantle all remnants of my ego if indeed you see it!! I will work with you to end my egotistical narcissism, because I am so, so tired of it. Even in this post I still have certain rules that are unconsciously set over what I type. I think it is better to edge slowly towards the insanity rather let yourself be overcome by it!!
TL;DR - I am treading veeerry cautiously towards the line of insanity, i.e awakening, so that I do not overshoot it and go into uncontrolled psychosis. For whatever reason, I find myself capable of doing this consciously. Better I think to remain too 'sane,' than to become too 'insane,' and uncontrolled.
This way I can actively narrate my transition.
I'm sane right now (at this moment that I type this). However I see the border to insane right there. I am consciously moving towards the border. Lucky for me, I am not catapulting towards insanity. For whatever reason, I seem to be in a spiritual position that I can communicate and consciously control how rapidly I approach insanity, or awakening.
I have always had this notion that one of my purposes was being able to awaken under the continuous gaze of other people. And describe it, in detail, as it occurs. Real time.
So right now I am unawakened. Undergoing the awakening process. Seems arrogant to say that, but isn't that true of you, too?? (edit: true that you are awakening) I believed until like three days ago I wasn't allowed to say anything about personal awakening or consciously acknowledge it, because that would be egotistical. (I judged people for saying they are awakening!! Now THAT'S crazy.)
Alright. I am really weirding out my brother and mom - to the extent that they have stopped talking to me. This is because I am refusing to speak 'normally,' and instead of trying to be sane I am embracing the insane.
In fact I am very close to just going out and revealing that I am insane to the neighbors!! (Of course only if we make eye contact - I will not impose my presence on them.) My plan is to in some way directly say, with the general mirth that I feel about this situation, "I am insane!" and shrug or something.
In fact I am realizing that which path I take is irrelevant, because my WILL to pretend to be sane is drying up, fairly fast. Not uncomfortably. My ABILITY to act sane is actually the same, or perhaps increasing? Or perhaps it will increase as I have more reason to connect to more people.
I hope I am making some sense. I am writing half to myself, to track the process later. (Another vow of mine is to delete nothing that I post, except for quick edits.)
Haha!! Inwardly I feel a growing sense of freedom. Growing slowly but surely. Because I realize that pretending to be sane is insane!! (Here we go. I was hoping to communicate my sense of positivity, and not just my hesitation.)
So. Essentially my resistance to my true Self, the Self that is ME, is eroding!! At a pace that I am comfortable with!!! BECAUSE, for so long, I have been consciously striving very hard to accept ALL, ALL, ALL, negativity that arises within me!! And for some reason, now appears to be the time that the negativity-acceptance is paying off.
I am not there yet. I am approaching the line, and I seem to be taking each step consciously, rather than it being forced upon me (for example if literally all the negativity within me arose at ONCE, which would be absolutely devastating to remaining in control - and which, I feel like, a lot of humans are headed towards this!! I do not see how mass 'insanity,' i.e. mass awakening, is not inevitable. Perhaps that is what we are preparing ourselves for.)
Anyway. I am beginning to see very little difference, spiritually, between me sitting here on my bed typing, and me going out and walking naked in the street while the neighbors are all outside. Haha!! Notice I said 'little difference,' because the thought of doing that makes me still a little nervous.
I would be much more comfortable, and much more other-oriented I believe, simply walking outside with no intentions, not hiding my smile, and greeting everyone I see, not hiding my True Self! Perhaps it was certainly overbalancing to consider doing otherwise (meaning the rubber band of sanity has overcompensated somewhat for the past two years of me hiding my insanity!)
Actually, right now I just feel more at peace with myself than I ever have before. I feel little need to do anything, little need to provoke incredulous responses from other people, precisely BECAUSE I am so open to the option of doing so!! In mentally finding peace with situations such as taking off my clothes in the middle of the street, I have NO NEED to do so!!!
I hope I am making sense, and please, I welcome any and all criticism and advice right now!! Any reaction your words provoke in me, I have come to accept that it is my own personal distortion which causes it.
Dismantle all remnants of my ego if indeed you see it!! I will work with you to end my egotistical narcissism, because I am so, so tired of it. Even in this post I still have certain rules that are unconsciously set over what I type. I think it is better to edge slowly towards the insanity rather let yourself be overcome by it!!
TL;DR - I am treading veeerry cautiously towards the line of insanity, i.e awakening, so that I do not overshoot it and go into uncontrolled psychosis. For whatever reason, I find myself capable of doing this consciously. Better I think to remain too 'sane,' than to become too 'insane,' and uncontrolled.
This way I can actively narrate my transition.