06-27-2017, 12:40 AM
No lucidity of mind in all my life, only confusion. Every single train of existence goes into confusion. I'm missing something. Where is the clarity? I have only seen confusion. It feels like a bunch of entities who know me very well are playing with my life. When I close my eyes I always see a bunch of them laughing and not looking me in the eyes, but always doing something to my spirit or body, something.
Yes, I realize I periodically post something like this. However during the times that I interact 'normally,' during those times I am always acting. This acknowledgement of confusion is the closest I can ever get to lucidity. I feel as if I am falling forward continuously.
I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS feel as if there is a smiling, laughing enlightened entity, just out of reach, refusing to look me in the eyes, but always paying attention to me. Exactly this. He or they run around, always enlightened, always laughing at the joy of existence, but NEVER looking me in the eyes. Even those people in real life that I look in the eyes, they do not LOOK ME IN THE EYES, the DEEP LOOKING.
I feel I have never known clarity. I am somewhat distressed right now, but not in the way I usually am when posting these things.
I FEEL AS IF THE UNIVERSE IS LAUGHING AT ME! Really, I feel this very often, it must be self-created? The enlightened beings who guide me in my pursuits and interact with my thoughts for inspiration, it feels as if I am separate from them, very separate, yet they laugh away, laugh, laugh, laugh! They are just so happy and joyful at existence, the sheer joy of existence! They are so separate from me! They laugh behind my eyelids, doing their spiritual work on me, but never talking to me! Always hush hush, rush rush! What's the fucking deal with that!
It feels like a joke I'm not in on! Everyone is laughing! Everything is joyful! Everything is sheer joy! All of that which knows this truth does not touch me! Everything I have written may as well be deleted!
Where is the emotion, the true emotion! Why is it hidden behind this glass sheet! in plain view but untouchable! I see it! I see it! But I cannot touch it! I see it! I see the joy in these entities, but cannot touch it! I am not allowed to touch it! Why!
Yes, I realize I periodically post something like this. However during the times that I interact 'normally,' during those times I am always acting. This acknowledgement of confusion is the closest I can ever get to lucidity. I feel as if I am falling forward continuously.
I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS feel as if there is a smiling, laughing enlightened entity, just out of reach, refusing to look me in the eyes, but always paying attention to me. Exactly this. He or they run around, always enlightened, always laughing at the joy of existence, but NEVER looking me in the eyes. Even those people in real life that I look in the eyes, they do not LOOK ME IN THE EYES, the DEEP LOOKING.
I feel I have never known clarity. I am somewhat distressed right now, but not in the way I usually am when posting these things.
I FEEL AS IF THE UNIVERSE IS LAUGHING AT ME! Really, I feel this very often, it must be self-created? The enlightened beings who guide me in my pursuits and interact with my thoughts for inspiration, it feels as if I am separate from them, very separate, yet they laugh away, laugh, laugh, laugh! They are just so happy and joyful at existence, the sheer joy of existence! They are so separate from me! They laugh behind my eyelids, doing their spiritual work on me, but never talking to me! Always hush hush, rush rush! What's the fucking deal with that!
It feels like a joke I'm not in on! Everyone is laughing! Everything is joyful! Everything is sheer joy! All of that which knows this truth does not touch me! Everything I have written may as well be deleted!
Where is the emotion, the true emotion! Why is it hidden behind this glass sheet! in plain view but untouchable! I see it! I see it! But I cannot touch it! I see it! I see the joy in these entities, but cannot touch it! I am not allowed to touch it! Why!