The Long Night
06-01-2017, 07:44 AM, (This post was last modified: 06-01-2017, 10:36 AM by The Traveler.)
#1
Information  The Long Night
So this is my first post. I joined a while back but never felt compelled to post anything.

The Long Night - The Early Years.

I always felt like I was different than everyone else, like I saw and felt more than most. The earliest memory I have of being different was on an early morning back in 1996, I was 5 years old.
I was standing outside on the steps of our house overlooking the garden and pool. Our house was on a hill so looking over the houses below us out into the distance we were surrounded by
wheat fields and beyond them I could see the mountains with their peaks covered in snow. I remember looking at those snow covered mountains and having a feeling of wanting to go home,
like a yearning feeling. My family didn't move around a lot so I know it wasn't because of that.

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I have always been a very quiet and reserved person and very timid, I would observe others and wonder why they acted the way they did. A few years later and I'm in primary school
dealing with rude kids and feelings of depression. I was always so tolerant of people even when they were nasty to me, I would just take it and I don't know why I did that. Going back a few years
my first memory of me knowing I was gay (although I didn't see it that way back then) was at the age of 8 years old. I was paging through one of those TV magazines (I think it was the YOU Magazine)
and I arrived at the centerfold which was some guy laying on a couch (he was probably some actor/singer back then). For some reason I just liked the picture, I had no sexual feelings toward it but
I just liked it so I tore it out and put it in my cupboard.

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Jumping forward several years and I'm in high school (13 or 14 years old) and I'm struggling with why I like guys and on top of that I'm depressed because I know something is off regarding
my presence on this planet, I have no memory of past lives but just a feeling like I'm different or from elsewhere. It's nearing the end of high school and I feel worse, I have no clue what
I want to do when I leave school in fact, I do know but it's something I'll never be able to do. I have always loved science fiction, some of my memories are me begging my dad to allow me to
stay up and watch Crusader ( A Babylon 5 spin off series) which aired at 10 PM on Sunday's. So my greatest dream that I held even till now is, I've always wanted to explore space,
traveling on a beautiful starship. The stars have always
seemed more like home than this place. When I think about science fiction or space travel I get a sense of freedom, like I can go anywhere and be anyone, but its the freedom that I've always craved.

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I never had much of a childhood or should I say, I didn't have a happy childhood. I was so very sad and confused. I used to beat myself up over the fact that while I spent days and nights playing my
science fiction video games and reading up about metaphysical subjects, my friends and class mates where out having parties and fun. Regarding self image, I hated that most of the boys in my class
where growing up and getting beards and I was so young looking for my age. I only started growing facial hair at around 18 years old and it only really began to grow properly at around age 24.
It's as if I age slower than most people.

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Everything here and to follow in the next thread has been shortened as there is just too much to convey, our lives are very complex.

Part 2 will be more about the years after school and working life.
Feel free to ask questions or comment.


"Man is his own star. His acts are his angels, good or ill. While his fatal shadows walk silently beside him." - Rhyme of the Primeval Paradine
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06-01-2017, 10:18 AM, (This post was last modified: 06-01-2017, 10:36 AM by The Traveler.)
#2
Information  The Long Night - An Ocean of Despair (Part 2)
If you are reading this then I assume you have read the first part and not entirely bored.

The Long Night - An Ocean of Despair


It's April of 2014 and I've resigned from a job in retail of 2 years, I just couldn't take it anymore. If you want to know how trashy and rude the average person is, do a retail job.
I didn't tell my parents I resigned as they would have told me not to, they would have told me to get another job first before leaving but I just couldn't. So 2 months later I get
a job at a printing press, the hours are fine and the pay is better, it seemed like it was going to be ok. Turns out the department manager was a negative and horrible woman
that just oozed sarcasm. Eventually I hated the job, I hated it and didn't have anywhere else to go. It became draining but I smiled and was polite even when she was not.
It's the 2nd of June 2015, the day I came out to my family.

I'm going to meet a guy for the first time and I'm so excited. I'm in my room ironing clothes when my brother asks
where I'm going as I hardly leave the house except to go to work. In that moment I figure that I don't want to keep telling lies every time I want to go out so I just say it: "I'm gay",
my brother replies "Oh, that's cool" which catches me off guard as I was expecting a fight. He then offers to iron my clothes while I go get ready. My brother even lends me
his leather jacket which looked really cool. I told my mom when I came home that night and she cried a bit. Told my sister the next day as I'm closest to her and she kind of figured
as I never really dated in school, she just knew and was totally fine with it. My father sent me a long email saying that he was fine with it and that I be sure that it's who I am.

It's the end of June 2015 and I break it off with the guy that I was dating as I feel we aren't on the same wavelength, he was a nice guy, nothing wrong with him per say but
it felt like he didn't "get" me. You know something is off when you have nothing to talk about because the things you feel and know just go over someones
head or they aren't interested. There's more too it but this is just a summary.

July 27th 2015, the CEO at the printing press I work at calls the staff into the boardroom and tells us that the company is liquidating, he then apologizes that he wont be able to pay us,
so I've worked the whole month for free. He knew that the company was failing but told us at the last moment, as you can imagine the staff and workers where very upset. Some angry
and others crying as they have families to look after and rent to pay. That horrible woman that was my department manager was crying crocodile tears which was interesting, I hugged her
and said goodbye to other staff and left the building, we all left early that day. I was somewhat happy though, I hated that place.

It's also during my time at this job that I would frequently see 11:11.

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It's late 2015 and I begin texting a guy over Skype, we talk for about 2 or 3 weeks. He seems really nice and there was something about him I can't quite put my finger on.
During our talks I find out that he's "been around". At times the way he would talk to me was too sexual for someone you haven't met or even know but I let it slide.
At the time he was 26 and had been in four long term relationships and prior to that 10 to 15 "flings". This info upset me as I liked him, even though we haven't met I felt like we
had a connection.

His past felt wrong to me so I told him I don't want to talk anymore and ended the chat. Later that day I begin realizing that I'm judging him on his past and not allowing him a chance
to prove himself. Long story short, I haven't cried that hard in a very long time. I contacted him again and apologized for judging him however, I still wasn't comfortable as I felt he was
untrustworthy, maybe it was my own insecurities that I was projecting onto him. I apologized but told him I didn't feel comfortable continuing so, I said goodbye and he sent me a sad face
emoticon and I never spoke to him again. (I still think about him sometimes)

Its been 4 months since I lost my job and I'm more depressed than ever. My parents and I have a huge fight because I still haven't found work. I leave the house and spend the day using
the public buses not going anywhere in particular. The feeling in my solar plexus that has been there my whole life is feeling terribly painful now, like I'm being crushed inside.
There was only one other time many years ago that it felt this painful. I arrive home in the evening, get something to eat and go sit in my room, I don't talk to anyone. By 8:30PM I feel
so drained and the pain in my solar plexus isn't going away so I decide to go to bed, I keep thinking how badly I want to die.

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Stay tuned for Part 3


"Man is his own star. His acts are his angels, good or ill. While his fatal shadows walk silently beside him." - Rhyme of the Primeval Paradine
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06-01-2017, 01:37 PM,
#3
Information  The Long Night - The Visitors (Part 3)
In the previous thread I arrive home feeling very depressed and my solar plexus is in pain. I go to bed early that night...

The Long Night - The Visitors


I fall asleep and have a series of 4 dreams one after the other, I wake up in the early hours of the morning around 1AM. I'm laying on my back with my head turned towards
the two windowed doors of my room, I can't move. I feel there is something hovering over my torso, even though my head is turned to the side
I am still able to somewhat see it but not with my physical eyes. It was an orb about the size of a bowling ball made of a black energy, it was filled with white noise
that you see on your TV when there's no channel. It also had energy around it that looked like when you take a pencil or marker and hastily make squiggles.
This black orb was doing something to my solar plexus, it felt like it was digging around in there which wasn't painful but rather uncomfortable.
While laying there paralyzed and struggling to move, out of nowhere I get a message in my mind; "Don't Astral Project". Upon receiving that message I used every ounce of will
and was able to break the paralysis. Sitting up and wondering what had just happened I could feel that the area around my solar plexus was a lot warmer than the rest of my body.

After doing research about orbs and not coming up with anything like I experienced I went back to bed about 2 hours later (3AM). When I woke up at around 10AM I noticed something,
the uncomfortable feeling that I had in my solar plexus my whole life was gone, it felt numb/pins and needles like it had been emptied. The whole day I felt relieved however,
the feeling didn't last and a few days after the knot in my solar plexus returned.

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A few weeks after strange things started happening, I would hear odd tones sounding like high pitched "Ohm", the frequency would vary. I would also start feeling cool breezes around
my face and hands, my dreams were sometimes more vivid too. Then one night my dream was interrupted by an intense warm energy that I could feel approaching. That event startled me
which lead me to a forum where I came into contact with a meditation group. One of the people there who is rather advanced told me that the warm energy was a female Being. This Being
which I named "Vee" (short for Visitor) visited me every night for a whole week. She would arrive at roughly the same time and would hover near me, I would feel breezes around me
and hear tones. At first her energy was very intense and warm that it was sometimes too much but the longer she stayed the more accustomed I became.

The person in the meditation group told me that I met Vee a long time ago in another life. Apparently I'm new to Earth and this is my 3rd life here, I arrived here roughly 150 years ago.
I'm told that I met Vee on a volcanic planet in the Andromeda galaxy that is home to an Insectoid race with no technology to speak of. I spent 2 lifetimes there before coming here.
I'm not sure how true all of this is as I have no memory of it.

So its the last night and Vee (the Visitor) arrives and she's floating on my left side while i'm laying in bed (bare in mind I can't see her, I just feel that she is there).
It felt like I was being covered by a warm energy blanket, it was so calming. I have never felt so safe and loved in my whole life, I actually giggled and smiled
peacefully while she was showering me with energy. Sometime later I feel the presence of another Visitor, this ones energy is rather cold and frigid, it was floating on my right.
It felt strange being warm on the one side and cold on the other. Shortly after Vee (the warm energy Being) left and the cold one stayed. Throughout all of what was and had
happened I was surprisingly fine and not bothered that I was being visited by Beings from other dimensions. I eventually fell asleep with the cold energy Being by my side.

In the days and weeks that followed, Vee would visit at random intervals but the visits became less frequent and eventually stopped. I would however get visits from other Beings,
most of which have a cool breezy energy and sometimes I would get some that are warm, I still get visits to this day although infrequently. After Vee's departure my Crown Chakra
became active and its been 2 years since then and I feel a breeze on my Crown everyday, even if its not there and I think about it, it will then form. Not sure what my Crown is
doing though.

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After the Visitors came I began to have vivid dreams and on 3 occasions I was able to Astral Project in fact, my very first Astral Projection I simply got out of my body with no resistance at all,
I just got out.

I hope you all are enjoying the read, if you have any questions or would like to comment, please feel free to ask or do so.  


"Man is his own star. His acts are his angels, good or ill. While his fatal shadows walk silently beside him." - Rhyme of the Primeval Paradine
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06-15-2017, 08:10 AM,
#4
RE: The Long Night
Hello fellow Traveler! I enjoyed reading your story. The early part echoed my own feelings, we have a few similarities.

You mentioned feeling something in the solar plexus area before... that's interesting, and metaphysically accurate. Did you ever find out what the problem was?

Anyway, looking forward to hearing more from you Smile
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06-16-2017, 01:26 PM,
#5
RE: The Long Night
(06-15-2017, 08:10 AM)Nau7ik Wrote:  Hello fellow Traveler! I enjoyed reading your story. The early part echoed my own feelings, we have a few similarities.

You mentioned feeling something in the solar plexus area before... that's interesting, and metaphysically accurate. Did you ever find out what the problem was?

Anyway, looking forward to hearing more from you Smile

Thank you so much for reading and replying.

Regarding my Solar Plexus, unfortunately I haven't found out what the issue is however, since the Visitors arrival the feeling/knot/anxiousness has decreased. Its still there but not as strong as it used to be. It might have something to do with the Self but I'm not entirely sure what aspect of myself is causing issues. I do feel trapped here and not being able to do what one dreams can also make one rather frustrated and sad. Time will tell I guess.

Wishing you well.


"Man is his own star. His acts are his angels, good or ill. While his fatal shadows walk silently beside him." - Rhyme of the Primeval Paradine
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