RE: Episode #54
Self-acceptance has been a huge issue for me....Most of my life I hated myself and why?...
I did discover one day that it was about comparing. I compared with others and found I was different. I felt the others were more equal and I was different from all of them. I started to Judge myself as different and put on a conclusion that that was wrong. It felt strange as a child I could not understand all this. But gladly I understand now. But the feeling of being different and not fitting into the "norm" of society seems to stay. But I realize I cannot be like ordinary people doing what they do. I do not feel like that. It is not me.
Most of my life I tried to adapt to fit in. It made me sad and depressed. So a few years ago I learnt to look inside me for the answers. I must do and be who I am, even if that means that I am different. I must still be “different”. Because that is what I am. And I started to be different and belief in that. It made a huge change inside me. I felt happier. I still did not felt that I fit in. But my focus was no longer on fitting in, but being me. And so because I changed that focus I did not even matter that I did not fit in. I probably never will and what once seemed a big issue never really was an issue at all…
I choose to live my life as me and accept that I am different. And that different is not wrong or bad, what I always believed, but that was a wrong belief I had created as a child when I compared and thought there was something wrong with me. This was never the case. There was never anything wrong with me at all. I was just different…. And I should be proud of that. Okay that is still difficult, but I accept it now…and now I make no issues of it anymore others do not seem to make an issues of it either. I guess I am a loner and always will be, I spend time with people, but need time apart as well and I can enjoy that both…..
My childhood felt traumatic. I still have nightmares about that time long ago when I was young and did not understood anything of “live in a body” and all the limitations that brings. In my dreams I was free and could do and create whatever I want in the “dream world” just by thinking it and desiring it. But the physical world was quite different from that place I know so well, beyond the body.
But now I know it was all meant to be. Without the trauma and the suffering I would not have learnt all that I have. It was the best teacher I could ever wish for or even more than that. I understand what happened and it felt horrible when I was young, but the pain was once real to me, but now the pain is only a slight memories of a time past. It even feels a different “me” who was in that pain somehow. The pain was only because I was ignorant, there were certain things I had to learn and face and the pain was a catalyst that helped me learning all these lessons. I even believe I planted the lessons there myself, or rather my higher self planted them there for me so I could make the choice to learn or stay ignorant.
Why sleeping, when one can wake up?