03-27-2017, 11:21 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2019, 08:17 PM by earth_spirit.)
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03-27-2017, 11:21 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2019, 08:17 PM by earth_spirit.)
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(03-27-2017, 11:21 AM)earth_spirit Wrote: @Minyatur What I meant is more that his heart might be his bound and certain advices that may seem healthy from an external perspective may just be means to tear himself internally and make him feel deeply that he's doing the wrong thing. Not saying it would necessary be the case, but it is a possibility. I think there are things relating to soul mates as there is much talk about social memory complexes and the concept of brotherhood/sisterhood within higher densities or that wanderers incarnate within setting alongside one another. It also speaks of pre-incarnative agreements relating to the people of your life. Found this example : Quote:50.4 Questioner: Could you give an example of how an entity sets up a condition for attracting a particular experiential catalyst and how that catalyst then is provided or is learned. I did not mean it's all about his mother either, but that there is something to distill about himself in the entire thing.
03-27-2017, 11:37 AM
@Minyatur
I highly agree in regards to your notion about psychiatric stuff. The most important "ingredients" are being ignored totally. The lack of understanding incredible. Not all, but most of it, i believe! As to the situation with the mother: I also agree, but i think the situation is too complicated and too "established" in order to have a chance to resolve this while IN the situation. You should take into account that all the parent/children patterns develop at a very young age and then they go on and on. In such a situation its almost impossible to bring awareness to it, since those patterns are deeply "engraved" in the subconsciousness. But after there is some distance in space and time between, its surely fruitful to work things out.
03-27-2017, 11:48 AM
Heh, you're not far from the truth Agua.
I'm honestly really scared of living, it's actually somewhat...It makes my mind freeze, makes it hard to think. It's why there's a part of me that wants to go walk into the mountains with nothing but a backpack with a tent and some other stuff, to try and survive in nature to, I guess, prove something to myself that I can do it, and that I can survive. I have a stupidly keen and vivid survival reflex, it wouldn't be surprising if it were being used to control me. I am child-like, and I am autistic, like, you don't need to tell me how damaging it is to put the box of a label called autism around myself, I'm a very out-of-the-box kind of guy and suddenly here I am, everything can be so easily dismissed, 'oh, I'm just autistic, don't mind me, I'm weird.' But the truth man is that that is who I am, I am different. I don't know quite specifically what that means but it is so blatantly obvious. I am so disturbed to be able to write myself and all of my potential and unique special ability to love and be kind and nice as oddities of an autistic brain, of traits of a person more abstract than rational. Listen, if you happen to know any left-handed people (such as myself), you might find that some of us view the world to be very right-hand oriented (no spiritual pun intended). In a way, I'm left-handed of the mind, I'm 'HFA', as in High Functioning Autistic, my IQ is probably higher than average, I have proclivity towards creative talents both of the abstract arts and complex logic, I see patterns where none exist, especially in numbers, I exhibited autistic behavior as a child including running on my toes often, flapping my hands, speech impediments, and social disconnection. I'm basically supposedly the 'obsessive specializing' autistic, and my obsessions are Spirituality and Metaphysics. Ever since I was a child I thought about the Afterlife and what came in death, before death, what was you know? So, looking back, I see it all and it all culminated in 2014 with the discovery and application in my life of the Law of One which taught me enough about myself to, well, come here, lose my s***, realize there's something wrong with me, and ultimately discover I'm autistic and thus, officially 'different' from most people. So, being different, it isn't a good feeling, it is a very void experience. As if to say, 'it doesn't matter because I wouldn't understand anyway because I am different'. You are absolutely right about my negative self image though, but as I would point out to myself, when you're surrounded by a lie and bombarded by this lie again and again, it eventually becomes true to the mind. In this case, I'm bombarded with nullifying energies, so I realize the first and most important step to living the Law of One is to become conscious of every single thing I speak, write, think, do, to catch when I am being negative and to replace that negativity with it's opposing positivity. Essentially being happy by just thinking it in place of thinking negative thoughts. I went through the entire spiritual awakening process in 2014, I do consider in all honesty that for a while I was my soul self in manifested personality, or basically, that I was the closest I've ever been to doing what I came here to do, which was be myself, my unconditionally loving self, while learning my limitations and how to accept them in this life. I will try, and you see, I am not upset! But, about that. As of lately, what with the prospect of everything that could happen lately, still not knowing if I'm going to be hauled into a psych place, I've been a bit...Shocked, and shut down. I feel kind of like an empty hollow shell, like the feeling of helplessness has really gotten in deep and spread, making me just 'blank out' and shut down, not having any real emotions. Like going to a psych ward place, that should terrify me, but instead I'm docile and passively curious. I should be incredibly upset that I could so easily be told I'll be put away, but instead I just don't care. It's been like that these last few days, I haven't gotten really happy or sad, I've felt highs and lows but the extremes are just cut off from me right now. Numb is the word I'm looking for, or jaded? I don't know but I call it my 'Comfortably Numb' mode, happens when I'm really freaked out, I just shut it down, just wait it out, just let it happen. In I think the 6th grade, my mother hit a hole in my wall during a fight, called the police and blamed it on me, this was after she dragged me down a hallway by my hair, a 180 pound kid, by my hair, just feel that's really important to iterate. So she sent me to some juvenile delinquent center where I was monitored in my sleep, couldn't even get up to pee without needing to be cleared by someone watching me. I'm sitting there putting on my socks and they question me why I'm taking so long. (fun fact, I take forever to put on socks or plastic gloves, they will be the death of me!) So pretty much during anger management counseling I meet a bunch of other kids who are all just, messed up one way or another, one had no issue with hurting people, another just wanted to get laid, another had severe issues with authority, then there's me, some docile long-haired hippy looking video gamer. In fact, when my mom came to get me two days later I refused to leave with her because she was still terrifyingly angry and cruel acting, the lady at the center that day even said she thought it better if I stayed an extra day. Like, I don't even know where to begin anymore, I look back and it's just one long stream of imagery of interactions that just make me feel very ashamed to bother being here at all. It's very disturbing and confusing to me why she's so cruel to me when I'm just this helpless clueless kid, why I'm always taking the brunt of her screaming so loud my ears ring in pain. Wondering why the house went from her and my father screaming to me and her screaming at each other. A majority of my life it seems and feels to be one long fight. Depressing to think about. Tiresome to think about. And the worst of it all is the realization of being clueless and helpless, like, what's left to do then? Figure it out? Keep trying? Okay, and I do, and I have been, but it's like every bend, every turn, every opportunity is blocked. How am I supposed to figure that out? What am I supposed to do?! How do you meet a cold statuesque monster who only cares about what you can do for them with love, even when they make it harder than hell to get away? What am I supposed to do? Love and forgiveness don't change anything when it comes to her, she doesn't give any cares sometimes and I don't understand it. She will talk the rudest cruelest things about the things I love, she doesn't seem to consider me or care about me beyond a numerical value that is in her eyes less than 0. I'm sure that's not true but it's how I feel... And I am exceedingly growing sick and tired of feeling that way. How hard is it to be nice? What does it take to make someone into a nice person? I don't even know if it matters. You know, the scariest thing that solidified the reality of my mother's cruelty was how similar she was to Malory Archer from the show Archer. It was uncanny and somewhat disturbing. Replace the alcoholism with weed and you have my mother basically...
03-27-2017, 12:05 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-27-2017, 12:06 PM by Agua del Cielo.)
Do you think you re weirder than me?
Im just older and had more time to release some weight of my issues! At least my autism is or was nothing than cannot be adressed and healed. I find that labeling very dangerous. It just puts symptoms in a box and places a label on it. You might then have an "explanation" why you are the way you are.But i guess deep down you know, thats not the truth. The problem with those labels is, they dont adress the causes and roots and thus do not offer any healing possibility at all! I think all the issues you have are very common. Most people have the exact same issues to a degree. But most people live a life where they dont realize it. Thats whats so weird about you! Youre so weird, that you realize, something isnt quite the way you want it to be. But thats a symptom of taking the "red pill"
03-27-2017, 12:19 PM
My dear beloved CA,
I think the best advice i could give you is one you wouldnt take You have a brilliant intellect. That is a great tool. But like every tool it has its applications and other areas where it just dont work. I believe there is a compulsion to think. You do not think, it happens to you, otherwise you could stop it! With all that thinking you create circles and circles, create problems and problems and no way out. You have a lot of time at display. When you think all the time, you slowly go insane. Apart from that, you completely cut yourself off from your guidance and your higher self. Thinking = no connection to the higher self Stillness of mind = connection to the higher self If you re interested, i can point you to some nice exercices that really helped me to get out of that endless thought circle. Think about it!
03-27-2017, 12:30 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2019, 08:18 PM by earth_spirit.)
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03-27-2017, 12:33 PM
Meh, I took no pill, I'm like that one guy in the AniMatrix who ran himself right up to the point of disconnecting, pushed himself beyond the fold of the veil.
I want my autism label to be transmuted in my mind from one of constriction to one of freedom, I think it's going to take some time since I still only recently had confirmation of being autistic. Ra says mental illnesses are symptoms of an inability to face the self. How am I supposed to translate my Autism with this in mind? What portion of my self am I unable to view and synthesize with? Is it the dark monstrous sides of my shadow self? Is it my full potential to be all things? Is it some small little bias of mine? What is so hard to view that it has warped me with extra distortion of the mind? I see myself as a beautiful portion of the Creator, I see myself as embodying portions of the darkness, I see the devil inside of my self, I get there is darkness in me as a being of infinity, as a Wanderer I get I've done some dope deep and possibly incredibly dark and disturbing things. Yet I can face my mother each day and tell her I love her when she heads off to work. I can befriend an ex who I hated in jealousy. I can even forgive the mother of my child for taking him away from me. I'm a pretty damn loving and kind person, so what am I so afraid of??? I think I'm a unique tier of weird, I'm not 'weirder' or less weird than others, I'm just a special kind of unique that is unique to even unique groups, one of those really odd people with a very pronounced personality that makes you sort of step back and go 'hrmm, that person sure is eccentric, he's weeirrd, hrmmmmm...' I get the idea that we can heal anything, but the facts do not support the...Probability of this happening. It's a very specific, unique, and deep spiritual progression to begin a deep metaphysical healing of the physical vehicle akin to the healing at the energetic level. In order to heal a mental illness, you'd need to deprogram the causes in the energetic body and that isn't exactly something you do by just thinking it, you need to manifest it, and manifesting something is much much more complicated than 'thinking it into existence'. So much more goes into the process of self-creation. The self-perpetuation of specific external patterns to become aware of their internal presence is no simple matter. Mere meditation doesn't do it, creating reality is a magic of sorts, Work in Consciousness, and I have to say, I am not a magical adept personality, I have no desire to enter the insane realms of magic, I just want to occasionally shift my reality to be more positive. It shouldn't be so hard to spread positivity heh. I don't understand why you think I've ignored your advice, I may have an opinion of it but I'm still taking it seriously. I will try to not limit myself with the label of autism. I think you forget that Contemplation is a form of Truth Seeking, and while I agree expansive free mounts of time to think can lead to some...Out there behavior and thoughts, I think it's funny you say I've completely cut myself off from my spiritual guidance system, I do beg to differ as I wouldn't be here receiving your and everyone's guidance if I wasn't connected to my spiritual guidance systems. I do think I've actually been the most closely consciously operating with awareness of my spiritual guides lately than I have since 2014, 3 years ago. Why do you feel I'm cut off?? I've some opinions of the discarnate entities methods of interaction with the tangible, especially in regards to the Higher Self who I think is a very im/personal type of entity, encompassing aspects of myself and many others both like and completely unlike myself. The Higher Self is no simple discussion topic o:
Regarding boxes and labels, speaking on my own experience :
One can find relief in recognizing the problem for what it is, connecting the dots, at last. For autism it could be "Now I understand why my social interactions are weird since childhood or why I feel so clueless about everything or what's going on from facial expressions to second degree humor to hierarchy etc.." 1/Understanding, reading or meeting with people that have had the same everyday problem as you did. Breaking the isolation and belonging to a group. 2/Better educate the entourage to create a more peaceful, tolerant environment. People (patients, parents, friends) sometimes needs a "professional diagnostic" to take it seriously. 3/Labelling permits social aids from the government. (In France you enter the network of "handicaped worker" = easier access to admninistrative jobs or might apply for financial aids) I guess it's the same with people creating new "boxes" for gender, sexualities (a/sapiosexual) and such. Belonging and being recognized. From a spiritual healing point of view, this box might be just be what someones need for a while. It doesn't have to be separated to consciousness. Of course there is a downside to it : that is being enclosed in it. But it's another path to take to push the bounderies and redefine yourself as you grow. Regarding psychiatry : Yes psychiatry is fluctuent because it deals with symptoms and labels are interconnected. Often a "patient" will tick more than one box. But there are many ways to deal with catalysts and the psychotherapy (working with the shadow self), behavioral therapies offered by western psychatry can fit in the lot. That applies more to anxieties/depression/phobia/addiction. Autism is not a psychiatric problem per se and psychosis stand out although those last two often are co-incidents with mental health issues. Also, as said above, I think not getting metaphysical in hospitals is the better option. Unless it's deeply traumatizing and affecting life, sanity and in that case it might be easier to stabilize it with meds for a while. +It's possible to undergo therapy without getting into spiritual believes. C_A : or take a break for a while backpack-style ? Visiting some friends, couchsurfing/hitchhiking, going camping, no big budget needed. Even if it's just for a few days, take your bag, get this time for you (and entangle yourself from your mind by living in the present moment)
03-27-2017, 01:33 PM
(03-27-2017, 12:33 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: Meh, I took no pill, I'm like that ... hey, you wouldnt be here if you hadnt taken the red pill I just meant to say you opened your eyes and started to face the truth about you and about life. Most people dont do this, they will never realize how "weird" they are! Quote:I want my autism label to be transmuted in my mind from one of constriction to one of freedom, I think it's going to take some time since I still only recently had confirmation of being autistic. I dont know what this means in your case. But i suggest you might look in the wrong direction. For me it was more like: I realized at some point that i somehow am "inbetween" the worlds. I did not fully incarnate, i did not connect with the physical plane emotionally. On the other side i could "view" a little into other "realms" but was also not really connected. In a way i was in "nowhere-land". Thats how i experienced myself for many years, and i experienced the autists that i know pretty much the same, with varying degrees of severeness. My first important realization was that im not completely incarnated, so to speak. My journey so far was a lot about finding out the reasons for this. What i found was that i had very early experiences that made me leave this earthly plane. In healing this, i was able to connect more and more with this planet and my life on it through my heart instead artificially with my intellect (which i did before). But i have to say that no amount of thinking will get you there. But if you follow your emotions, they will automatically lead you deeper and deeper until you find the root. Not as a concept or knowledge, you will be there. you will experience the emotion that caused you to "leave" so to say. And when you experience this, theres no more need for not being here fully, if you know what i mean. That was my journey so far, i cant tell if its similar for you. But i am sure it is not about manifesting but "only" about dissolving the emotional blockage. That would be magic, but not magick I didnt mean to say you wont take advice, i just believed the "dont think that much" one would be hard for you, since your a passionate thinker! Apart from that, i just offer my thoughts hoping they are helpful. I could be totally wrong or it could be just not the right time! I didnt mean to say your completely cut off, but thinking is what will cut you off. Just imagine how strong your guidance would be otherwise. When Ra said "the key is silence" they didnt mean that nobody talks and there are no cars moving by. They were refering to inner silence, stillness of mind, a state of no-thought. Thats why i try to stress that. You wont die or fall asleep when you stop thinking, you can be highly aware and awake, in fact, this is when higher consciousness arises. That was more what i meant. I also wouldnt suggest to never think again (that wouldnt be possible anyway). But days are long, what about taking a couple of breaks from it each day? You might as well like it hey, and for all the advice, you would be a very busy man if you would try to practice all the pages of advice here! Just pick what seems appropriate, you can revisit the rest any time you like.
03-27-2017, 01:36 PM
@polyn
I was just refering to the diagnosis catalogue as not helpful. Not therapy in general! I think there arent too many things that can help as much as a good therapy, especially when the therapist has a spiritual background!
lots to say - but late again here in Aus... must zzzzz...
important to note - autism is not a 'mental illness' it's neuro-divergence neuro-diversity neuro atypical-ness it's no one 'way'... though yes there are some diagnostic 'attributes'... it's a 'spectrum' and each person has their own unique self interfaced with their cognitive and or behavioural atypical-ness... also most humans are weird and eccentric to varying degrees - 'normal' doesn;t really exist - though yes there are broad categories of Neurotypical and Neuro-atypical I've worked quite extensively with autistic children and young adults - much more to say... in the morning... I actually think you are 'gifted' CA... you are 'high functioning' for sure and in your instance in the right environment I sense you are actually a quiet genius nb: I have the burden/blessing of an IQ of approx 148-152 as well as clairvoyance/audience/sentience - premonitions/medium capacity, telepathy and predictive dreams... I am simultaneously and introvert/extrovert - love the company of aspergers/autisic people, relate to animals better than humans and have synaesthesia... I have some characteristics of aspergers/autism - but am too gregarious to fit any diagnosis - still, I'm definitely neuro-atypical - but know how to 'pretend'... this is only to say that I do sense giftedness/prodigy when I'm 'around' it - there 's a lot of it here in people on B4
03-27-2017, 02:31 PM
(03-27-2017, 08:31 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I have felt this connection. Teach me sempai! Lol I can't teach you. I, too, am still trying to learn how to tap into that part of myself. I think it's something we must discover for ourselves. I think that it's a huge step when that part awakens. And I think that part is where all the good stuff resides. It's the divine part. I think that's the part that can move mountains. I think you should focus on feeding that part, connecting to that part, integrating that part into your "ordinary" state of mind. It's the same challenge for me... In the wanderer's handbook, Carla says: "Let us begin our service to others with the service to our inner selves of support, self-belief and self-acceptance". I'm not done with the book yet, so she probably speaks about that later, but I would add "self-love", "self-compassion", etc. From my general understanding, the divine spark/intelligence is within the heart chakra. The heart chakra radiates love. It looks to me as if it's a bit like a muscle: the more we use it, the bigger it grows, or the brighter it glows. So the first step is to use it towards ourselves so it creates a voluptuous circle of Love feeding itself. I give myself love, therefore I am grateful and love myself for giving myself love, therefore I have even more love to give, etc... Not a very technical way to say it, but I feel it's something like that...
03-27-2017, 05:20 PM
(03-27-2017, 12:33 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I want my autism label to be transmuted in my mind from one of constriction to one of freedom, I think it's going to take some time since I still only recently had confirmation of being autistic.Thats true. Its all bullshit these labels, I was diagnosed with autism, depression and psychosis. What does any of that mean? The depression is a result of repression which is an unconscious refusal to face myself, the face the darker aspects of my psyche, to face my buried trauma. The psychosis is a direct reflection of that, entities need dark areas of the psyche to inhabit, they can't survive in the light. The light is consciousness, awareness, self awareness. Darkness is a lack of self awareness. It doesn't depend on your perspective now, it could be from when you were a little kid, something you viewed as too traumatic and unbearable to live with, you banished it to the subconscious. When it surfaces and you look at it with new eyes it can be instantly accepted, brought into the light and transmuted because its no longer so scary and unbearable to live with. I can't find the original quote so heres a quote about a quote: Quote:In Shulgin’s book “Pihkal,” he describes the interaction of a patient taking ecstasy and the clinician. The patient’s mother had died while giving birth to her, and she had lived her entire life with the guilt of having been given life at the cost of another’s life. She had not made progress with other practitioners, but once on ecstasy asked “Is it okay to be alive?” The response “You bet your sweet ass…” and the uninhibited state caused by the drug were enough to lead to the patient’s own affirmation and come to peace with her personal experience 2. It could be something innocent and child like from when you were a kid, or it could be deep, dark and ugly things. When I was under assault from entities, I was traveling around California at the time and met this woman, she'd been in the MK ULTRA program as a kid, and every morning, intense dark stuff would surface, the trauma and terror she felt as a kid, it was all coming out and with it the memories were coming back. It could be more recent deep, dark and ugly things that you have forgotten. Thats what it is in my case. I have a big scar on my forehead and no memory of how I got it, I just remember sitting on the ground when the paramedics showed up, I pulled out my ID and while looking down big blotches of blood hitting the ground. It wasn't the physical accident that was bothering me, it was something that happened before it, the physical injury was a relief because it was a joke in comparison to the emotional pain I was in. And I remember my memory of the incident was fading away and as it did I was feeling better and better. But I knew that it wasn't gonna go anywhere, what happened happened and I can never really forget it even though I might lose conscious awareness of it. I woke up the next morning in a hospital bed covered in blood with no memory of what happened and I felt great, I forgot what was troubling me so deeply. But it didn't go away (03-27-2017, 12:33 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: What is so hard to view that it has warped me with extra distortion of the mind? I see myself as a beautiful portion of the Creator, I see myself as embodying portions of the darkness, I see the devil inside of my self, I get there is darkness in me as a being of infinity, as a Wanderer I get I've done some dope deep and possibly incredibly dark and disturbing things.Its what you don't see. After a series of failed exorcism like experiences on ayahuasca I became more repressed than ever before, the repression went to a level way deeper than whats comfortable, it became suffocating. It wasn't the first experience, or the second that caused it. It was the 4th. I saw myself going numb during the ceremonies, when the exorcism would start, I stopped feeling emotions, I felt no fear despite it being my deepest childhood fear (possession). After the 4th cermeony I haven't been able to feel fear. And with the fear blocked, my heart got blocked too. This is what humanity is up against, a large percentage of humanity is traumatized and have big dark areas of their psyche that have split off and become like autonomous entities. Thats what bad karma is. Its usually childhood events. Things that happened when we were incapable of dealing with such extreme experiences. Its not necessarily what you did, it could be things that were done to you, but its what you chose to do with the experience that creates the darkness, not everyone represses it, not everyone can repress it (many people would if they could). I get the sense this is bidding done by dark entities. They offer repression. Relief from suffering at the expense of self awareness. Its manipulation of free will, its our free will to repress it or be with it. (03-27-2017, 12:33 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I think I'm a unique tier of weird, I'm not 'weirder' or less weird than others, I'm just a special kind of unique that is unique to even unique groups, one of those really odd people with a very pronounced personality that makes you sort of step back and go 'hrmm, that person sure is eccentric, he's weeirrd, hrmmmmm...' Anything outside the bounds of what someone considers to be acceptably "normal" is considered "weird". What is weird? None of that occurs to me anymore, everyones unique whether they want to accept that or not. Some people are unique in ways that are so far beyond whats considered normal that they stand out, others are unique in ways that are accepted as "normal" by society so they have the option of falling into the herd, and thats a hard temptation to resist, nobody wants to be an outcast until they realize that being "normal" is not what it appears to be, its being confined to a small box which constricts your ability to live and be. (03-27-2017, 12:33 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: So much more goes into the process of self-creation. The self-perpetuation of specific external patterns to become aware of their internal presence is no simple matter. Mere meditation doesn't do it, creating reality is a magic of sorts, Work in Consciousness, and I have to say, I am not a magical adept personality, I have no desire to enter the insane realms of magic, I just want to occasionally shift my reality to be more positive. It shouldn't be so hard to spread positivity heh. Only when you accept yourself can be a lighthouse, a force of radiant positivity that shines light into the lives of all those around you. Only when you love yourself are you that. Someone who truly loves themselves is a lighthouse that guides those lost in the dark home. Negative entities are so cut off from themselves that having the light of awareness shone upon themselves is a horrifying prospect, so they seek to drag all beings down to the depths of darkness from where they reside. Their path is the path of denial. Denial of reality. Only a being in denial of reality can do evil unto others without feeling the harm they caused others as harm they have caused themselves. You can see it in yourself, have you ever made a mistake and feel terrible about yourself for it, and during that time positivity pisses you off? Someone who has done truly terrible things and has chosen to deny it all, then the light, reality, positivity, love becomes a perceived threat to their existence. The more self aware we become, the more aware of the lack of separation between self and other self we become. Empathy is awareness of this lack of separation, we feel the emotions of others. Someone with extreme empathy, any harm they cause to others, they'll feel it directly as harm done to themselves. I used to fight to survive as a teenager and I was really good at it, but I quickly learned that its better to lose the fight than to win, when I lost the fight I would hurt physically for a few days. When I won I would hurt emotionally for weeks knowing the damage I did to the other persons self esteem. It was lose lose but I could only perceive that due to empathy. Some of the other kids were cold and callous and would mock me for being so kind and respectful to the other person after I won the fight. I don't know if they're born that way, or if its childhood trauma that makes them that way, but as a kid I saw that not all kids had the same empathy and compassion I did. And the ones that lacked the empathy and compassion lacked a certain kind of awareness. Have you tried holotropic breathing? I can feel my chakra blockages when I do it, and intense things happen. This fear, terror, and non human emotions come up. The non human emotions, thats pretty concerning, I get this horror film feeling, no other way to describe it. Its not painful, but its unsettling, its a feeling of something unholy and bad. When you're backed into a corner fear doesn't matter anymore, you have no choice but to face it. That was what people didn't know back when I was a teenager, why I was an animal in fights. When you corner a dog, the dog fights with everything its got cuz thats the only way outta the corner. I can never accept becoming evil so theres only one way outta this corner.
03-27-2017, 06:08 PM
(03-27-2017, 02:31 PM)kevn Wrote: I can't teach you. I, too, am still trying to learn how to tap into that part of myself. I think it's something we must discover for ourselves. Its true, in there with the trauma and the things that are terrifying to face, is immense love and compassion. Repressed fear, grief and sadness blocks the heart, as you let that fear surface, your heart opens and the flow of love comes through. Its all completely subjective, one person might find public speaking terrifying, the scariest thing there is and facing that fear unlocks parts of themselves that were imprisoned by that fear. Fear is the energy of separation, love is the energy of unity. You can't fear what you love, when you love yourself deeply, theres nothing to fear within yourself so you can shine the light of consciousness deep within yourself and thats illumination, the dichotomy between subconscious and conscious mind dissolves and you become whole.
03-27-2017, 06:45 PM
About what I said in regard to pre-incarnative agreements.
My point is not to seek to feel bound by such a concept but instead to seek to understand how such a concept has been binding your life so far.
03-27-2017, 07:14 PM
Feeling overwhelming love is great and all but so are orgasms. Does that mean everything that causes orgasm is desirable? Of course not. Rather we seek to experience love in a consistent and repeatable manner in line with autonomy and growth. In the same way you can become addicted to the feeling of overwhelming love that comes between moments trauma. This does not make the source of trauma a desirable thing. In actuality the experience is caused by the tiniest momentary reprieve from the traumatic state. The brain is a difference engine. It experiences differences. That surge of warmth and love is a moment of reprieve from your general state. You don't want to be periodically experiencing that. You want to be always experiencing that. So many victims become wrapped up in the dynamic of abuse because it permits them to feel these moments of clarity and love. This is actually a sign of nothing but trauma itself as consciousness unravels back toward source.
Please stop submitting to abuse. It is ultimately a selfish act. Why do you think sado-masochism is a negative polarity sexual energy exchange even for the masochist? There's enormous depth in this topic but the bottom line is: stop being voluntarily abused. Red Ray Chakra is first for a reason. Take care of your body and emotions
03-27-2017, 08:57 PM
(03-23-2017, 08:04 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: So as of lately I've been...Well. I guess I'll just say it the way I say it to myself. Short-term facilities are basically just locked units where you're supposed to attend groups, take meds, and meet with a doctor. Electronics are not allowed, books are (but some ban horror novels and most ban porn), and clothing with violence/drug references/profanity/gang-related are b&. Typical stays are 3 days-2 weeks, and always less than 90 days unless there's a court order. They can't make you stay there unless you're an immediate danger to self or others (in the U.S.). Long-term facilities are basically the same thing with more freedoms in some areas - electronics might be allowed, you can get day-passes to leave the facility on good behavior, etc., but, ibviously, it's long-term. A court order is required to make you stay somewhere like that, and if your mom tries to take it to court, leave her house immediately so that she no longer has legal standing to say you can't take care of yourself. Even managing yourself homelessly is enough to keep the judge away. Long-term places have a much higher ratio of abusive workers. Some of them are absolute Hell, and the doctors and staff are sadistic. Some aren't like that, of course, but the long-term ones are like that, some of them. The short-term places are always okay, in my experience. All of these places are run by Illuminati-types and are trying to suppress spiritual knowledge. Just try talking to a doctor about the astral plane or kundalini awakenings or premonitions... it'll be antipsychotics for you immediately. No occult talk if you do go. Some of those people do know and are STS as f***, And their drugs are BAD. FOR. YOU. They fucking WRECK your brain. I'll post more about this later. I recommend staying away... some of the peeople in some of those places really care, and some absolutely do not, but the net effect is negative.
03-28-2017, 12:49 AM
(03-27-2017, 08:57 PM)Mahakali Wrote:(03-23-2017, 08:04 PM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: So as of lately I've been...Well. I guess I'll just say it the way I say it to myself. If we all were in a ward and they would find out about this forum, they would never let us get out again! :/
03-28-2017, 04:16 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-28-2017, 05:15 AM by smc.
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I'd like to address something:
I am no fan of psych wards or psychiatrists (from Australian experiences).... and if you're having a genuine Spiritual awakening and have no actual biochemical psychosis or schizophrenia either innate or drug-induced - meds are very damaging for your body and brain HOWEVER if you're in a state (biologically) of psychosis - (as opposed to rational metaphysical/spiritual awareness/opening/awakening and/or ideas) you DO need nutrition, rest, a low stress safe environment, mild sedation (chamomile/valerian/valium/hot milk/warm bath etc) buuuut if this isn't sufficient to assist your return to 'consensus reality' - to function in taking care of your daily needs- you will very likely need anti-psychotics and/or stronger sedatives. This is not to diss anyone's metaphysical experiences - or invalidate them as just 'psychiatric', because I personally (know) things that I could never tell a mental health person... or be committed myself. Buuuut - clinical psychosis IS different from Spiritual experience/s. I know this because I've had a LOT of contact with psychics and psychotics/schizophrenics... and there IS a difference. Sometimes a psychosis is a metaphysical awakening and/or has an overlay of actual verifiable knowledge... but not always... in fact just as often - NOT. Re meds - the same goes for depression that lasts longer than a few weeks to months... you need extensive emotional support, immediate reduction in stress in surroundings, excellent sleep and nutrition, exercise, fresh air, comedy, love, massage, change of routine, new experiences, counselling, and yet still may need the serotonin levels of your brain restorted/re balanced with a (basic) SSRI. an all or nothing belief about meds really bothers me - because it isn't the whole picture I know because I tried every single "natural" thing I could to lift my severe depression - for over 10 years - and nothing helped me return to life but an SSRI. I wouldn't be here typing this if I didn't take sertraline for this last 20 years. It's akin to a diabetic needing insulin daily. At least in my situation. I was literally going to die. I was wanting to walk into traffic. I was so CLINICALLY (ie: biochemically) depressed that by the end unless I was asleep - I was crying... tears slowly rolling down my face non stop for over a week from my brain chemistry becoming so depleted of serotonin from decades of trying to cope with abuse, trauma, loss, and betrayal by family. Nothing was helping anymore, not vitamins, not swimming 1 km each day, not Reiki, not kinesiology, homeopathy, top rate nutrition, massage, tarot readings, talking, parties, walking my wonderful dog or hugging my dog, not shopping, videos, computer games, books, studying, reflexology, astrology, not counselling, not alcohol (made it far worse), not weed, not sedatives, not sobriety, not indulgent food, not chocolate, not candy, not sex, not music, dancing, hugs, not travel (I went overseas)... not screaming, not crying, NOTHING. After returning from an overseas trip which should have been the most exciting mind blowing fun experience - and instead was all darkness and anxiety - and crying everyday for a few weeks unable to leave the house - I had lain on a couch an entire day staring at the beauty of lime green translucent leaves on a tree out the window- and realised I was crying at their BEAUTY ! I went to my doctor and got a script for an SSRI... small mild headaches for first 2 weeks - but started to be able to sleep a little and get out of bed each day.... and as the weeks passed - slowly the agony shifted... the despair became less... all the crap still remained and had to be dealt with - but with my serotonin levels being replenished (neurotransmitters people!) at least I was running the marathon with LEGS underneath me!!! Since then over 2 decades I've slowly gone from the starter dose to the maximum dose and I know for sure if I reduced the dose or stopped altogether, you'd not hear from me again. I'd be gone from this world. This is only my story - each person is individual - but I'm just as pro-medication as I am against incorrect/indiscriminate medication usage. And I'm really tired of reading pro recreational drug usage and anti psychiatric drug usage (especially as the latter is often urgently needed to try to rectify psychosis caused by the recreational drugs!) When we have altered/depleted brain chemistry - by the very nature of our imbalanced brain chemistry, we're fearful, anxious, paranoid, etc etc to take the step of trying medication - it's what stopped me for most of my younger years - total fear (and societal stigma). I was terrified about feeling 'weird', or 'drugged'... so I understand peoples caution ... but I've lived with Bipolar and Schizophrenic friends and the help their meds gave them was like night and day - a state of near complete breakdown vs having a reasonable chance at a happy life.... (if you get the right meds at the right level WHICH IS SOMETIMES A REALLY DIFFICULT BALANCE and yes - when it's the wrong medication - wrong dose ,or no medication is needed but is still given - it's a big problem and can feel really awful) psychiatrists are some of the most entitled, cold, ignorant arseholes I have ever met... so I have very nuanced, complex ideas on this topic - but I do know there is a difference between my clairaudience and the 'voices' of schizophrenia - (not that the latter is invalid metaphysically - but that it can be too random, overwhelming, loud, life consuming a form of mental 'openness' for safety in a straight western world - and also can when in dialogue with or in league with emotional and psychic wounds from abuse in a stressed , unhappy, anxious insecure person, become useless, toxic, "whitenoise' of disinfo that gets mistaken for "truth'...) so I just want to say (yet again!) to this forum - dismissing psych medication outright is NOT useful especially when forum members are interested in/advocate for recreation/metaphysical drug usage that alters their brain chemistry!! I think most psych wards are 'holding cells' for people who are a 'problem' either for themselves, society/their families or all 3 - they're diagnosis/symptom control and 'time-out' places... not designed for healing, resolving the core factors/issues and yes getting 'drugged up' can occur.... it depends on the country - the level of health coverage you do or don't have - and a host of other factors... I only ever was assessed (for a possible psych ward stay) after a second OD/suicidal ideation ER admission - and the Psych said with PTSD and clinical depression I would be better at home and feel worse in a ward around psychotic, angry, suicidal, violent, drug addicted, deeply troubled patients... he was correct - I felt - but I went home still suicidal.... the positive was that from that last ER admission (second OD) I finally took my life long abuse and repeated near death behaviour SERIOUSLY I'm naturally an STO 'entity' - my whole life has been about caring about everyone... and what I finally learnt is this caring MUST also be extended to me - or I will die so - since then (early 2013) I am totally sober (except for sertraline, and coffee) and that is a big achievement - as by the end of my destructiveness I was drinking 1 and a half bottles of whisky a day (ie: 30 to 50 "standard drinks") after my second ER admission (for both - I was rushed there by ambulance) my daily rationale to survive and turn my life around was/is - I must put my oxygen mask on FIRST THEN and only then I can help others... I was constantly attempting to do others work - infringing on their learning, not doing my own catalyst learning, and making excuses for their abuses to me - not wise - not sovereign, not self respecting. so I had a massive wake up to: self love - self care - self respect I now live by this I am good to myself, I'm my own best friend, I married myself, I love myself, I look after myself I was so abused - so abandoned - so completely alone - I (finally!!) became my own team - that, and sobriety and 24/7 presence of 15 Archangels is why I'm alive. we MUST love and cherish and protect ourselves or any other actions we do are a FARCE I learnt that I am not helping my parents by allowing them to continue abusing me. So I stopped all contact (finally - after years of trying) 4 months ago - my dad is 94 - mother 83 - so this is SO difficult for me - but the damage to my psyche if I hear one more unloving abusive comment from them has the potential to lead me somewhere so hurt - I could lose my sobriety and become lost again. But as I have self love - self care - self respect - no-one gets to abuse me - I don't stand for it anymore I don't allow it - that's why I've been so conflicted being on b4 - it goes against my whole non b4 existence... (I'm only here because Spirit keeps gently insisting I remain (until further notice) but it's very much a stretch for me. Especially how disrespectful some people have sometimes been....) CA/Van - at 24 you have another 25 years of abuse to take to get to where I got early 2013? - (and I'd moved out of home and had independence too! ) Do you think you can do this situation or similar for another 25 years - before you breakdown? Before something seriously goes wrong? Before you realise you've wasted your years trying to pretend you're somehow safe? The reason you have low self esteem is because of her (and your entire family)... the reason this love here for you feels weird and you feel you're unworthy is exactly the result of 24 years of abuse. The reason you can't leave the abuse - you don't feel you have the skill set and the courage- is precisely because of the abuse! This is what I meant by 'learned helplessness - I had it until only 4 years ago! It's also a form of "Stockholm syndrome" - "a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity." MANY people have this with their parents !! CA/Van - I can understand and relate to how several people are very concerned at the ongoing unrelenting abuse you're experiencing - as it IS slowly poisoning you... I agree with Minya that there are dynamics to look into - but that this can be done once you are away from the constant emotional violence. there's 'being ready' - but often the longer you stay the less and less you will have the energy - the strength to free yourself - this is what Agua is saying re the child self wanting the 'being taken care' of in the psych ward - a respite -a break, but this is essentially a postponement of the issue as to her crippling you - yes - and you are also crippling - holding back her.... she also needs the Tower (tarot) to crash to the ground... don't protect her from her karma! and remember - the longer we resist change - necessary change - the more shocking and destructive the circumstances become to bring about that Holy change change is INEVITABLE work to have it occur as much on your own terms as possible - ahead of time - for Life will bring it about in the loudest - most 'harsh' way, if you leave it too long...
03-28-2017, 04:46 AM
Yeah, well, the meds cause brain damage either way. There are better ways to deal with real psychosis than lobotomizing somebody.
03-28-2017, 05:54 AM
@smc
I think there is no "one size fits it all" rule, but i guess we agree on this. In other words, there are different "truthes" depending on the very person and the background and at which point in life that person is right now. As for the "chemical imbalances", i believe these are rather the effects of a mental condition as opposed to the causes. A severe depression will sooner or later cause that imbalance, but i dont buy into the concept a "healthy" person becomes depressive justbecause of a chemical imbalance. There are a few cases where i would favor medication: A suicidal emergency case, better to keep someone in the incarnation and deal with the issues later, than stick to an "ideology" and lose someone to suicide. A person that is absolutely unwilling to walk a spiritual or healing path. For that person medication will be a great relief, but a major obstacle on the motivation to evolve. But its a perfectly valid choice not to deal with inner issues, if one wants. A person who doesnt have the stability, capacity and support to really adress those issues. in these cases, temporary medication could put you in a position where you can start to build some solid foundation. This will later enable you to adress these issues. Apart from that, i would not advise for medication whatsoever. I strongly believe that its entirely possible you solve all "mental conditions" and emotional issues, which in a way is the same, without medication. As for hallucinations and psychosis: The problem is, in my opinion, that each psychotic or halluconatory state ultimately contains a spark of truth. There is at least a tiny little part involved that is true. I guess thats why its so hard to let go. What is wrong is the interpretation, the mental picture you create around it. I would say, its a good idea to observe just regular life. For example, i used to have issues (and still sometimes do) that i am being ignored, that people dont value what i say. And it would be perfectly true that sometimes nobody responds to a post for example. but what then happens deep inside of me would be: I take it personal, although it most likely is not. Then i start to believe what i have to give is not good enough, that ultimately my love is not good enough. This triggers very old emotions from my family and also brings up emotions of life-thread. The emotions would be perfectly true, they are still inside me and not yet completely healed. The fact that nobody responds would also be true. But my complete interpretation would be totally wrong, those things are not connected at all. In a way, this is what psychosis is, just the degree of denial, the severity of emotions imvolved and the enormous misinterpretation are much much stronger. Thats my view on it at least. Ultimately psychosis is the unwillingness or inability to face the deeper truth of the self. I believe, apart from organic causes like brain damage at birth or through an accident, its basically all the same and can all be adressed similarly. Plus i believe it can all be healed. I have seen lots of people with extremely horrible biographies heal to a degree in just ten years that nobody imvolved in mainstream psychiatry, psychology or therapy would ever hold possible!
03-28-2017, 06:27 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-28-2017, 01:46 PM by Plenum.
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our entire physical bodies are made from chemistry - chemicals
if your blood sugar becomes out of balance you develop diabetes if you get too much iron in your blood or too little from genetic inheritance/or poor diet - big problems... if your leg gets cut off in an accident - our bodies physical/biochemical constituents can't (currently) regrow the limb if I drink coffee I get energy (albeit borrowed) to stay awake as caffeine is a chemical stimulant that works with my brain and adrenals etc.... this is what I am referring to I don't believe in 'materialism' (in that I feel metaphysical is behind ie: causative to physical existence ) - but my depression was as un-heal-able without SSRI's - for me - as if I were trying to regrow a leg... no-one gets to tell me 10 years of trying everything other than SSRI's without any change - and in fact my brain getting more and more depleted of serotonin - is a 'myth' it has been discovered that enough trauma/abuse changes neurotransmitters in the brain - would anyone here say we can go without food? no... can we go without sleep? can we go without oxygen? does a person with brain damage from a car accident somehow need to metaphysically make their brain not be damaged??? I don't understand why people have this attitude - and I'm really pissed off by it. if I was in a wheel chair you are telling me to stand up - right now - this attitude is a spiritual lie - it is phobic, it is naive, and it is irresponsible and why is ayahuasca, spice, mdma, lsd weed etc okay drugs to use but not sertraline or antipsychotics? seriously - it's time for me to leave b4 these replies are SO dismissive of all I've shared of what is truth in my horrific life struggle I'm telling you how I've managed to stay alive - and you're dismissing my truth?? "lobotomy" thanks NOT Mahakali - you can <removed> with that insult "But its a perfectly valid choice not to deal with inner issues, if one wants." <removed> Agua - how dare you say that's what happens !? I constantly 'deal with' - and am able to because my serotonin has been restored to the baseline levels required for normal mood regulation. Levels that you have and take for granted.
03-28-2017, 06:31 AM
seriously - so triggered right now - f*** it
I'm gone grow up know it all boys club I'm done
03-28-2017, 06:40 AM
Instead of posting the (checking...) 20 page long vulgar severely angry post I wrote up, I'll just delete it and leave the ending:
I feel that the place I am, as a creation, is in ways, wrong for what could be of 'an infinite being'. I find this Earth distasteful and wrong. I find reincarnation of these types to be especially apathetic and selfish in the name of selflessness and hence of themselves wrong. I know I say there is no wrong but wrong its self, but I'm pretty damn sure rape is universally for a being like myself wrong, and if that's the case, there are many other things in my mind that fit 'wrong' from simply being themselves 'wrong its self'. I do not believe in the universe as being loving the way everyone else of the Law of One might, to me, there is much more horror than beauty for people in 3D and as above/so below in many other non-physical areas of Creation. I believe my life is one with a theme of learning to provide love to abuse, because I am for all intents and purposes literally trapped from my desired life and stuck in this abusive one. Worse yet, I'm like a child that needs his hand held just to do anything anymore because of this... I'd rather die than spend another 24 years living this way, but what's there to even actually help or support me tangibly to help me do so for myself? No, I'm ready to just submit to the fact my situation is one so f***** in my mind that I don't have the mental faculties anymore to do anything about it. I don't know how to live, I wasn't raised by my mother or father, I was pretty much used. I can't function alone but I'm alone about 90% of my waking life. This incarnation was a mistake. If I were a more selfish being, I'd go kill myself right now. I don't want to talk about these things anymore... All I've learned from this thread is again, just how far twisting the depths of f*****-up-ness go in my life. I thought everything I shared was NORMAL I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW SERIOUS IT WAS TO SHARE THIS STUFF! I didn't even know it was a big deal... I'm just gonna go cry and give up because I don't know what else to fucking do. I'm so screwed up I don't even have awareness of it. Thanks everyone, I'm done with this thread, do with it whatever you want, talk about pink elephants or something. I don't want to talk about myself or my life anymore... So much more to tell but...It's all just like the serious stuff, and now I realize how serious it is and now I really don;t know what to do anymore. I'm just gonna go... can't even type anymore...
03-28-2017, 06:40 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-28-2017, 06:43 AM by Agua del Cielo.
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@smc
No need to insult me! I have clearly stated that i definitely acknowledge the prescription of medication in certain cases! I i surely did not advertise any drug use, but thats a different matter... Also i did exclude things as brain damage for example! What i was saying that i believe that the chemical imbalance is, in my opinion, rather the effect of the condition as opposed to being the cause! You dont have to agree, but thats my experience so far. I was also saying that i witnessed many people with definetely horrible life stories heal to a degree that not many would believe. I dont see where this invalidates your experience honestly! I said, there is no "one size fits it all", every person is different. what might be just right for a specific person at a given moment could be wrong the next day or for a different person. I also said, and i guess we can agree on that, there will always be some sort of denial and refusal involved when it comes to healing. The hard part is just to find out where. Everybody has blind spots and they are sometimes incredible hard to find out and realize! Could you restate please where you feel insulted, invalidated or what exactly it is that pisses you off? (03-28-2017, 06:40 AM)Coordinate_Apotheosis Wrote: I don't want to talk about these things anymore... All I've learned from this thread is again, just how far twisting the depths of f*****-up-ness go in my life. I thought everything I shared was NORMAL Well I don't know if that helps, but I never thought you were not normal based on what you shared. Perhaps it's even the other way around, you have pretty normal emotions for what you have lived and you're definitely not alone living such things. This is what I like about seeing the Creator in everyone, that no one is unique or alone in their experience, but rather are what everyone else would be put through the same things that have shapen them. In that there's a core of innocence which contains all the potential for good and what's positive, but this core can be wounded and the more deeply it is wounded the more deeply it will create itself a mask of negativity to hide and seal this core away, it will start hurting and abusing others to dissociate from this core, to not suffer itself more. There's really something insanely beautiful to people, every built up negativity has a story, a burden, a sorrow and a light self to heal to once again feel the light of existence. Don't be hard on yourself, there is literally nothing more perfect than what you are and this is a sight to be found but which is hard to find in this sea of lies and illusions. The external world never changes and what people have been remains, as such the only thing that can truly evolve is your perception of said things to perceive beauty where you saw none and unity in what you felt was without. I'd suggest meditating on how you felt like in 2014 and seek to feel it within yourself. Across time pull that moment back within yourself, remember the vibe and feeling and clearer mentality it offered. The more you do this and the more you will crystalize this state within you. If I was more awake I'd seek to offer you a window of perception of unity to help develop faith, but this is not currently in my toolbox of abilities just yet. Hopefully when I do it won't be something you have a need for! I have no doubt you will shine greatly in this life and once again, I can only offer my own faith and it is for you to find your own. Just when I'm done with this post, in my headphones : Oh hear this vow, tied together, forever We'll make this dream, last forever and ever - The Architech, Haken
03-28-2017, 02:08 PM
Welp, guess I'm just gonna do what I can to mop up the pain and hope all these hearts find some kind of relief, in time, in peace.
03-28-2017, 02:58 PM
Well I can still get you a bus ticket and place to crash. Some others on this forum might also host you if you need to get away.
03-28-2017, 11:52 PM
I asked her when she's sending me in cause I was impatient.
She said she was never going to to begin with! So this was a wasted thread. Just another manipulation. I asked her why, she said to motivate me. If anyone wants to help me...No, nevermind. I'll figure it out alone like I guess I'm supposed to... |
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