Boundaries

[rva_jeremy]

Hey everybody, been thinking about a few things and wanted to get some feedback.

I've been asking for guidance on how to love myself more and be the kind of person I know I'm capable of being.  A lot of things under the surface of the water are changing for me, I feel, but I can't necessarily look directly at them easily.  My questions to myself hinge on things like desire, where my blockages are, my worthiness and giving me some sort of mental frame for becoming a more realized person.

Basically, at least one potential answer came in the form of some reading materials I found that kind of tend in the pick-up artist / men's rights activist / anti-feminist direction.  I always considered that stuff pretty puerile and/or psycho, and I still think that.  However, I think in getting men to be more assertive and the specific ways they suggest it there's something there.

Much of my take away of what I consider positive is exactly the kind of self-love I think is important.  You see, positive entities give so freely that they can often find themselves tapped out--Q'uo and others have talked about this before.  It's easy to say one should just be more loving and generous when challenging situations present themselves and you feel manipulated, cowed, and intimidated into doing something other than what you would otherwise do.  This turns service, especially positive service, from something cheerful and earnest into a source of frustration and resentment.  I'd feel like I was giving but never receiving, and nobody can sustain that in a normal frame of mind.  How to serve, then?

Anyway, I've been asserting my boundaries more.  When people cross my boundaries in some way, I tend more towards letting them know than letting it slide now.  I do not get angry with them for this: it is their choice to behave however they wish, and in the material illusion they owe me nothing that they don't wish to give freely.  It's as silly to resent my wife (for example) for nagging or boring me with drama as it would be to resent a dog for peeing on a fire hydrant.  This is their nature, it's what they do, and holding it against them only hurts you.

But I do realize that it goes both ways.  If I want to serve, I have to have something to give.  I have to look after myself, understand my limitations and strengths and problems, get clear on who I am and what this third density construct's lessons are.  I can't necessarily do that if I always feel like I'm under somebody's thumb or have to walk on eggshells around them. I have to be able to maintain my own frame, my own energy, my own judgment and discernment.

If I want to serve, it has to be my choice to render the service.  Otherwise it's just a duty I'm performing, devoid of virtue, and something that doesn't build my character but saps my will.  This is an important lesson I feel I've received, because it at once (A) teaches me how to value myself in a material way (obviously, there's more to the spiritual maintenance here, and I'm only discussing one aspect) and (B) gives me a platform of self-esteem from which I can then choose my expressions of love and service honestly and as my true self.

So I'm trying out being less unthinkingly helpful and generous in favor of saying "no" more, of being willing to endlessly discuss things less, of caring so much about other people's concerns.  I don't get swept up in emotional arguments and instead maintain a neutral, unattached demeanor.  If somebody has a problem with me, I do not apologize if I feel I'm not in the wrong.  And I don't stick around to be harangued by those who disapprove.

If I were you and reading this I'd think this is selfish, and it is.  I think it's more like dangerous, in fact, because I could get swept away in just looking out for number one.  But every time I dive deep on thinking about this, I come to the same conclusion: how else would one balance? What the heck is wrong with saying "no"? What could possibly be problematic about a person denying the pressure to behave a certain way because he or she does not feel it suits them? And yet our relationships are chock full of these traps were we express a stunted but unchallenging version of our personality.

I wish to give of myself purely, but until I know myself purely and understand whom I want to become, I have to set up boundaries on this third density personality construct.  I have to understand what I desire in order to know whether or not I choose to sacrifice that at a given moment for another.  I have to be free to tell somebody else to go to hell in order to forgive them.  This is really about empowering oneself and feeling fully adult.

I dunno, thoughts?  Sorry if some of this is vague, but I don't want to get too personal.

[Jade]

I don't really have much to say except my personal boundaries were crossed when you compared your wife and her problems to a dog and its piss. But, if framing it that way is therapeutic for you, I get that, it just might be more beneficial to think of a less demeaning analogy, imo, lest you let the MRA/PUA unbalanced misogyny seep too deeply in to your thought processes.

[earth_spirit]

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[Verum Occultum]

You are not your actions nor the actions of others. You are something far more magnificent. How to love the Self? Meditate and find out the Self which is beyond all concepts. But if the Self wants to love itself, then the Self must recognize that this is the deepest desire of the Self. Because if you are not willing to go deeper, you are playing games and wandering in your mind. But finding the Self arises love, beauty, peace, wisdom and power naturally. There is no right way to live life because there are no rules: this is a wordless experience, and we agree upon things. So in finding the Self these questions will simply vanish because you will have the answers without asking the questions.

[Bring4th_Austin]

Maintaining sustainability of personal energies for service is a type of wisdom, I think. It's an ability to evaluate our own needs for the ultimate goal of maintaining ourselves as instruments of service, allowing for greater quality/quantity of service in the long-run, verses a short run of highly draining service. It does take some stringent self-honesty, though, because it is very easy to trick ourselves into thinking that we are forgoing an opportunity to give of ourselves to others out of attention to a long goal of service, when really we are simply wanting some comfort for ourselves or to fulfill our own self-serving desires.

Not that having some self-serving desires is something to be judged - it's not. So long as we are honest about what we are doing and why. We're all imperfect instruments of service to others.

Setting up boundaries may feel selfish, and in the end we may realize that some of the boundaries were selfish, but I think it's a great thing that you said: "I wish to give of myself purely, but until I know myself purely and understand whom I want to become, I have to set up boundaries on this third density personality construct."

It reminds me a bit from Jung: "If a plant is to unfold its specific nature to the full, it must first be able to grow in the soil in which it is planted."

If it feels like you aren't able to "unfold" in the way you desire, it may be time to figure out more about the soil in which you are planted.

Could you share more specifics about the PUA/MRA information you found helpful? I also consider that stuff to be childish, self-serving, and generally manipulative, and would like to know if it's something that is specific to those lines of thought or if it's advice that would be found in other places.

Edit: Knowing you personally, Jeremy, I would be very surprised if your intent with the dog analogy was to imply that it is the nature of women to nag. I read it as commentary on her as a person, and your personal experience and opinion of her. Certain individuals may have it in their nature to nag: man, woman, or otherwise, and that is their nature. I am thinking this is more along the lines of your thinking. But I do agree with Jade, comparing your wife to a dog pissing miiiiiiight have a bit of the MRA/PUA tinge to it.

[rva_jeremy]

Thanks for your very constructive feedback everybody.  This was a tough thing to talk about.  I feel a little bit like Tired Philosopher where I'm not sure the energy y'all are getting from what I wrote is exactly the energy I put into it.  But I tried to be honest and let it all hang out.  Really: the last thing I want to be associated with is PUA/MRAs.  Just not me.

This was recommended to me out of the blue by a friend.  When I chose to read it was in the midst of a transformative phase I've been going through.  I interpreted it simultaneously as an opportunity and a test.  Can I make use of this information without losing polarity?  That's been my question all along.  I halfway expect that I will reject all this stuff at some point, but I have to be where I'm at and learn the lessons I asked for.

Austin, I think you're right: this is about wisdom.  I read a Q'uo reading recently that talked about Orange Ray and how your relationship to your own self can be a kind of relationship-with-another, and how blockages here can affect indigo ray influences of worthiness.  It struck me as poignant to what I was dealing with.  And it also gave me a context through which to interpret this reddit I'm reading called The Red Pill [specifically I'm in the Married Red Pill subreddit because those issues are more like mine as I'm not trying to pick up women or be a bad-a$$ or anything].  You can see the part I thought was especially important and speaking to this here.  The gist:

Therefore, those who irritate you, make you impatient, or make you angry or jealous or any of those seemingly difficult emotions are doing you the favor of bringing to your attention a part of yourself that you have neglected. And why would you not wish to neglect the murderer within you, the adulterer within you and so forth? But we are not suggesting that you act out all of these roles. We are suggesting that you gaze at the type of energy that is expended when you are working with certain emotions.

For me, the issue is: 1. how to deal with behavior that I find unacceptable in a way that allows me to go through this process, 2. not reinforcing that behavior unthinkingly by playing into it.

The core of the stuff that I find useful is about asserting your own desires, needs, and being honest.  It's about understanding your relationships as tests of your own demeanor, composure, emotional maturity, etc.  Facing up that you have work to do on yourself if you want to respect yourself and have other respect you.  Realizing that your frame of mind determines whether others' emotions and actions towards you sweep you away uncontrollably or allow you to "reject a service as not requested".  It's basically stoicism: focus on the things that are under your control, and accept that others' behavior and feelings are not under your control.

There's definitely an element of how one relates to women in there.  I see a lot of anger and resentment in how folks are advised to behave, and it scares me.  Some of it is manipulative of so-called "female psychology", but if I were to view it in its most favorable light I'd say that it recognizes that manipulation goes both ways, and that this is simply the way men and women relate.  And I have to say that after having my eyes open to the fact that, ya know, I'm an adult and I can do whatever I choose, I see how much of it is invested in my relationships -- both my investment and others'.

I appreciate your compassion, Austin.  Breaking out of the comfortable mindset for better or worse is the fool's leap into the unknown.  Maybe I'll become completely unbearable because of this.  But everything I've been through in my life has led to this.  To dither on it rather than pay attention to the lessons in it is silly.  Worst case scenario?  I give myself a lot of lessons in forgiving myself for being a jacka$$.  

[earth_spirit]

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[The_Tired_Philosopher]

Can I make use of this information without losing polarity?

I wonder about the exact same thing. Not because I desire women (I find their genitals and bags of flesh on their chests unappealing) but because it is a difficult and interesting conundrum.

Intimacy shouldn't be so calculated and difficult.

Even if that stuff works, I think such would be a consequence of messed up relations between the sexes more than anything else.

I feel as if there is something very wrong with the female psyche, as if it had been damaged. There are such references in Jeshua Channelings, though I wouldn't know about its validity.

Before I get to you Jeremy, let me just respond to this first.

Firstly.  Regards Genitalia and the bags of flesh on women's chests.  Yummy!  That is all.

Just kidding!  Haha.  Hah.  No?  No.  Okay, moving on...  I find a smile to be infinitely more attractive than any physical feature.  I'm also of the...Horribly misplaced misfortune of not giving two craps about the body of a person.  My last girlfriend was 280 pounds at 5'4, I didn't care even when people stared at me while walking hand in hand with her.  The result, I'm kind to every type of body type, and I'm starting to learn I maybe shouldn't be as the body of a person does sometime showcase the mind of a person.  Not always, not always at all.  Some obese people just have medical problems, others literally are innocently naive/ignorant of how to care/listen to their body.  Some people just don't give a crap.  Just like some skinny people can eat like a buffet a day and never gain a pound (oh god how I wish!!!) I find we're all crazily unique.

Anyways, since we're also on the subject of misogyny, of which I do feel often now a days, I try to reconcile my recurring misogynistic thoughts, bitterness, and fury at the various women who have basically wrecked my entire life and dreams and desires (or my anger towards myself being projected onto them) by remembering that I am no better if I view them in such a way.

The Jeshua Channelings exposed me to a complete understanding inwardly of myself and why I have such problems with women.  My mom didn't help, and the various types of women I was attracted to, did not help either.  In the end, if I succumb to misogyny, I personally would have failed myself and my desires to not be treated like a 'typical societal man'.  Aka only caring about tits, ass, pussy, and giving less than a single f*** about who a person is beneath the skin, their mind, their soul.

It is not fair to a female to judge her as being the typical trait of a bad-apple-female, even if I personally think over 50% of the woman in the United States are...  Similarly this goes both ways, not all men are typical of a bad-apple-male (even if I think over 70% of them in the US are...).  I mean, I absolutely admit, the other night my roommate, who's a girl, reminded me of everything I hate about the way society has twisted the female psych, and how much it has twisted the male psych, into these monstrous abominations of what they once were and could be.  I even made a status last night on fb affirming this, Society has raped the minds of people and left behind monsters...

Include the subliminal messaging about what a male and female should be like in extremely popular shows like How I Met Your Mother, Friends, The Big Bang Theory, and you might begin to realize that when you see people enacting these traits, it is a conditioned programming, not who they ACTUALLY want to be.

There is a reason depression is rampant.  Not being able to be yourself will cause that.

There is a reason many Transgendered and Transexual people become narcissistic and cold.  Not being accepted forces one inwardly into extremes of selfishness just to feel accepted.

Mainstream Society, is a monster.  Then regard the blatant SE'X'SE'X'SE'X' subliminal marketing campaigns, the endless sexual recurring hidden messages in advertisements (youtube it) sinking into the subconscious at all angles until one is sitting at home thinking they should 'f*** b******' and not care, using human's for their genitalia not caring that there is more to a man than a penis and a woman then a vagina.

How some men compare women to dogs, and some women do the same...  That I catch myself sometimes thinking I'll just revamp my pof profile to try and perform hook ups rather than trying to find people to be friends with because every single person I end up talking to either wants to get with me and nothing more or just disappears tells me I need to take a step back.  Not big on hookups, not big on sex itself anymore actually.  Since sex is so poorly performed by many people I've come to discover...  I just try to remain as-is, looking for friends, people to connect with at a mental or spiritual level, and not just a bodily one.

This society, is very, very hard to live in...  Low vibrational environment of some pretty gross tiers, and I am frickin in itttt. . .

Anyways.

Can I make use of this information without losing polarity?

Do not let the fear of depolarization hinder you, it is very well to remember that we are designed to polarize.  The typical occurrence in this design is that of taking two steps forward and one step back.

You sometimes must depolarize to repolarize then further polarize.  Or, sometimes it is desirable to depolarize temporarily to better understand something, as higher energetic/perspective approaches are not always appropriate for some situations.  As an example, Don asked Ra about what an entity being attacked would do.  My personal feelings for this instance are... Someone trying to murder you, makes it fine to depolarize in stopping such an action with returned violence, unless you're a martial artist and can stop a person with minimal violence without harming them or killing them, anything you do beyond allowing yourself to be murdered for their sake and love for them, or stopping them without returning the harm they sought upon you, will depolarize you potentially, it just depends on you.

And truly, depolarization is not a major issue as much as becoming confused in why you're polarizing at all.  If you lose sight of the intentions and reasoning's for performing such work, depolarization is probably a proper energetic occurrence for the sake of healing to begin to rediscover yourself and why you do as you do.

I guess all I'm saying is, don't worry, be happy, everything, is gonna be all-right~ (or however Bob Marley put it) -cough- I mean, don't worry about depolarizing, you will have a loooooot of chances to not only redeem that lost charge, but to further it.

...Not to say stop caring and do whatever you want...  Just don't allow depolarization to deter you from the subtle work of discovering yourself, you can't realistically CONSTANTLY chain polarization beyond a few times without causing the exponential nature of doing such to skyrocket you into areas you're not ready for (over-polarizing).

Not just that, but making mistakes (potentially depolarizing) is EXACTLY how we learn.  Depolarization can be good, it is not something you should overtly avoid.

As a final note...

Intimacy shouldn't be so calculated and difficult, I find that everyone does what those damn popular tv shows do, play games with people thinking they'll learn and discover they're just right for them, when in reality, playing games with another is cruel.  Be open and honest, if things aren't right with each other you can still be friends, rather than thinking the other is manipulative when they might just be scared of letting a person in.

[anagogy]

I dunno, thoughts?  Sorry if some of this is vague, but I don't want to get too personal.

The only thing I have to add to what everyone else has said is this: help that is not freely given, or that you, at some level, don't really want to give is WORSE than no help at all.  The thing is: you don't have to help everyone.  As you correctly noted, helping out of habit, or obligation, and not because you actually want to doesn't help you polarize at all.  

It is spiritual masturbation.

You are well within your rights as a being to assert your own boundaries to others.  Being a doormat serves no purpose whatsoever.  All it does is enable other people's negligent behavior, by not providing a mirroring aspect for them.  It is harmful to others, in other words, though people usually confusedly think the opposite is harmful (that is to say, people often think they are protecting others by not reflecting, but it really just stunts their spiritual growth).

[rva_jeremy]

Another part of this approach I'm taking that I just had some insight into:

There's a lot in my relationship with my wife that takes the form of a "dog whistle". I get tricked (notice I didn't say "she tricks me") into thinking I have to defend myself from a request or accusation I find unfair or beyond the pale. This creates a sense of outrage in me because why should I have to do this? Then I get resentful because no matter how much I comply it's never enough.

The problem I'm starting to see is that I'm focusing on somebody else's acceptance of me instead of my own. If I know I didn't do anything wrong, admitting I'm sorry is dishonest. The wisdom and love comes through when I take the time to help my wife see that, instead of just bolting or being stone-faced while she cries. BUT--and this is a big but--I don't have control over her acceptance. I can't make her feel differently, and jumping over myself, trying and trying to please her just because I don't like the reality that has been reflected, only makes me anxious and makes her feel like this kind of behavior is how we should relate. I can only make her happy in the long run when I'm happy.

Just because I'm accepting myself doesn't mean she will accept me. The point is that has to be ok. I have to accept her, where she's at, and respect her right to feel as good or bad as she wants. While I can't control her emotions, and realize that I don't want to, I can give her a stable south pole to her north.

And what about my emotions? Ah, that's the treasure underneath all of this crap. One of the things I've been working on is figuring out what I want, what my desire is. But if I'm seeking approval from others all the time, I'm not getting in touch with my emotions -- I'm deferring that inner work to seek a reward controlled by somebody else. Until you're being honest, your emotions conflicting with your thoughts and actions will cause great distress and disorientation. So I feel like I'm really seeing some deep, deep parts of myself clearly for the first time in a while: my resentment at not being appreciated, my outrage at the mere idea that others would want to control or manipulate me, my lack of respect for myself.

If you knock, the door will definitely be opened. This principle has never failed in my life; the mystery is why one keeps walking away from this truth!

[Turtle]

If I were you and reading this I'd think this is selfish, and it is.

No it's not. It is mature of you to realize what you speak of and more importantly, put it into practice.

[Nicholas]

Hi Jeremy.

I can somewhat relate to your position and it's an important cathartic process I feel. I wonder if using 2 metaphors, a shield and a sword, might assist you in some way?

In my understanding, personal boundaries and the liberty to assert them are very important. When I took on the challenge of remaining devoted to my current partner (for example), I was told more than once that, "you need to set boundaries". The female psyche tends towards the subjective and in my experience, this tendency can be tempered, or balanced, by clear communication and resilience. 

Manipulative behaviour that is housed within a monogamous context is usually a back door means of communicating one's needs. Overt hints soon transform into covert planning imo.  At least that is how I see it after many years of self, and other self psychoanalysis. 

I would recommend a book by James Redfield, titled 'The Celestine Prophecy'. It's an adventure parable that portrays manipulation in a more natural context, rather than a manipulation = sts = depolorising linear fashion.

Also, here is an interview with James that touches base (I think) with what you are expressing. 




The only other thing I would like to add is, rather than fear your own power and shy away from your innate properties, you might instead contemplate why you brought them with you in the first place.

Much love brother 

[isis]

My boundaries vary depending on my mood & the individual pushing them. What one person may get away with another person may not. What one person may get away with one day that same person may not the next. Sometimes I'll tiptoe on eggshells & other times I'll gleefully stomp on them. Sometimes I can effortlessly apologize to someone, even if I know I did nothing wrong, & other times I can't for the life of me.

Social obligations come to mind. Sometimes I attend things solely for others even when I really don't want to & other times I'll play hooky & serve solely myself by getting out of the dreadful "obligation".

Anyway, I think I find a healthy boundary balance. My advice to you is just do w/e feels right in the moment, rather than making up your mind beforehand how things are gonna be, & then to not worry about how you chose to handle things since, according to Ra, everything is devoid of imperfection as everything is the one infinite & powerful creator.

[1109]

...
Social obligations come to mind. Sometimes I attend things solely for others even when I really don't want to & other times I'll play hooky & serve solely myself by getting out of the dreadful "obligation".
...

I Do this also. But this is something I struggle a lot with. I actually feel that there's a big difference between helping/serving people and doing stuff/being places to please others. Whenever I succumb to the pressure and do something I don't want to do simply to please another I don't feel like I'm serving the creator, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, like I'm a slave, and I feel ashamed and bitter. I'm very sensitive to the manipulations of others, like I can see the subtle threads of force binding me.

[isis]

Whenever I succumb to the pressure and do something I don't want to do simply to please another I don't feel like I'm serving the creator, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, like I'm a slave, and I feel ashamed and bitter.

"All serve the One Creator. There is nothing else to serve, for the Creator is all that there is. It is impossible not to serve the Creator." but if it makes you feel like you're not serving the creator then maybe you shouldn't do it? For me, choosing to do something I don't want to do simply to please another always ends up making me feel good in the end. But still this isn't the choice I always make. Bc choosing myself over others also makes me feel good at times.

[Diana]

I have an exercise for people to start the process of setting boundaries, and particularly learning to say no which is the precursor to boundary setting. 

The exercise is: For one week say no to everything. You can tell your friends and family that you're doing this if you feel skittish about it. The point is to generate the great feeling of relief and inner truth when you do actually say no. It can be a game-changer. We are all busy. We all want to help others. But there is a healthy, detached balance in boundary setting that must derive from a balanced emotional state, and one where we don't feel guilty when saying no. The thing is, when we say yes and we really don't have the time or want to do the task we have have said yes to, we generate resentment and create negative energies for ourselves and others. So it does the opposite of what we are trying to do—help others. The goal is to learn to be honest but not unkind, and assess our answers without guilt or a feeling of obligation.

[rva_jeremy]

but if it makes you feel like you're not serving the creator then maybe you shouldn't do it? For me, choosing to do something I don't want to do simply to please another always ends up making me feel good in the end. But still this isn't the choice I always make. Bc choosing myself over others also makes me feel good at times.

I think a lot of positive people have this kind of "learned helplessness" (perhaps a form of Ra's "unintentional slavery") because of how many games go on in human interaction.  We wish to be fearlessly honest and forthright and helpful, and you can get burned so bad.  It's clear that there are more dimensions to how human beings relate than their overt statements and actions.  If you don't pick up on this subtler version of communication, you learn that it's dangerous to broadcast what you want so clearly.  

Then every desire to express love and light goes through the filter of worrying about how it will land -- not in itself a bad thing, but it pulls us out of the magic of the intent behind a desire.  It is well to consider the impact of an action on another; just don't leave yourself out.

So it really comes down to recognizing your own worth, that your desires are the key, and that you cannot use the illusion to reflect your desire until you stop using the illusion to reflect what you don't desire.  The resentment comes not from choosing to serve, but being stuck in a mode of thinking that says you don't have a choice.  That's the piece that is missing, Isis: for some of us, we don't even recognize that we have a choice, so of course we always feel self-pity and victimization.  

That's what I meant in the original posts: you can't genuinely serve unless you have made the choice freely.  The realization that it is your choice and that it's better to err with open eyes than to demur and avert them is intoxicating.  I have been so much more generous and helpful this past week because I knew I could always say no.  I have been able to do for others with an open heart instead of resentfully or engaging in some kind of "covert contract" where I help them and then stew over the fact that my help was not appreciated or reciprocated.  I always felt small because I thought feeling big meant being arrogant and selfish and self-centered.

I notice that a lot of my past behavior of resentment and anxiety came from not wanting to accept the way things and people are.  I felt I was owed certain treatment, that I was entitled to be understood fairly, that I shouldn't be tested and judged by others and how dare they.  I would never treat them like that; why would they do so to me? Unfairness and self-pity followed.

Now I realize: we all test each other, consciously or subconsciously, we all make mistakes, there's no point resisting or worrying about it.  If people want to think you're gross/ugly/bad/mean/stupid/etc., there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. People have their own catalyst and lessons; focus on saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and it all kind of falls in place.

It reminds me of a reading I once received, complaining about spiritual stagnation, which advised:

Throw caution to the wind, as the wanderer’s job does involve a certain degree of, shall we say, recklessness. The drive shaft must be fully engaged in the vehicle in order for propulsion to occur. The stagnation of which you speak relates back to the persistence of the material illusion in its capability to rob the personality self of the overview that presents the necessary catalyst to more fully appreciate the oneness within the self.

That was over 10 years ago, and now I know precisely what the entity was trying to convey to me.  I really resonated with this Q'uo excerpt, which closed the loop on what I needed to understand:

We would say to the questioner that it is well to come into a relationship with the self in which there is no fear, no tension, no judgment, and no tendency towards discouragement. The days of an incarnation are very limited and it is well to win freedom from the judgment towards the self that compromises that relationship of self to self. This instrument has often described the desired result of such work as falling in love with the self. When you are in love with someone, they can do no wrong. They might make an error, but it is a small thing. The essence of that person is so appreciated and seen in such a strong and clear light that there are simply ways to love that entity based on their imperfections as well as their perfections.

It is easier for the thoughtful and sensitive seeker to love another with that kind of romantic glow than it is to love the self with that same aura of deep appreciation and respect and yet, dear one, you deserve it. You have earned it over and over. You are worthy.

That made me understand: you love yourself in spite of the mistakes. The you that is worthy can do no wrong that is so bad that it's worth giving up on your love.

[rva_jeremy]

Edit: Knowing you personally, Jeremy, I would be very surprised if your intent with the dog analogy was to imply that it is the nature of women to nag. I read it as commentary on her as a person, and your personal experience and opinion of her. Certain individuals may have it in their nature to nag: man, woman, or otherwise, and that is their nature. I am thinking this is more along the lines of your thinking. But I do agree with Jade, comparing your wife to a dog pissing miiiiiiight have a bit of the MRA/PUA tinge to it.

Maybe, maybe not.  Refusing to get defensive in response to Jade was actually a HUGE test for me, since I was opening up and trying to be vulnerable and the first response I got was being scolded and that would normally trigger a pity party or furious apologies and corrections.  

It's ok that some people were offended by it. Nobody has a right never to be offended. Jade's feelings are hers to have, and there's no point hand-wringing over it.  I'm happy that I let it all hang out, even if it was ugly, and that my faith that this is a supportive community was reinforced.  Jade helped me in her own way and I'm greatly appreciative of it.

I'm sort of over that redpill stuff anyway, it's no longer useful.  I don't know whether it's a woman's "nature" to nag or not.  Luckily I don't have to figure it out because I'm not, and never will be, in relation to female "nature"--only particular female individuals.  All that female inferiority and childishness BS on there is just a bunch of guys who are scared justifying their own lack of self-empowerment, and it's kind of sad.

EDIT: One more thing. I don't think it's about "women gonna be women". I think it's about accepting people as they are, however they present.

[rva_jeremy]

The goal is to learn to be honest but not unkind, and assess our answers without guilt or a feeling of obligation.

This is the application of wisdom Austin was talking about.  I got burned this last week because being honest with yourself means any distortions come out big time.  I deeply insulted a friend because I let myself get carried away by unexamined impulses.  Apologizing with an open heart when you actually mean it is so healing.

[Night Owl]

So it really comes down to recognizing your own worth, that your desires are the key, and that you cannot use the illusion to reflect your desire until you stop using the illusion to reflect what you don't desire.  The resentment comes not from choosing to serve, but [b]being stuck in a mode of thinking that says you don't have a choice

That's actually really hard to do. I actually never succeeded at that. This illusionary reality only reflect to me what I don't desire no matter what I do. No matter what worth I give myself, no matter how much I take responsability and power over myself and my life it just goes on and on and on and on and on. Makes me wonder if I actually have such a thing as a desire.

[rva_jeremy]

Makes me wonder if I actually have such a thing as a desire.

This entire process was kicked off by a very similar question within myself. I realized I could never be fully engaged in my spiritual path until I knew what my heart wanted. I am no ascended master, but I was surprised beyond all countenancing when I discovered that asking myself what I desire was the key. Also, asking my helpers to help me understand my desire actually kicked all of this off that I am describing.

It sounds so trite and pat, I know. But it is quite literally so in the most fascinating manner, almost as reliable as gravity. I was astounded that I didn't have to meet the phenomenon more than halfway: the desire to know oneself and consciously, resolutely seeking it is all that is needed.

Go into a meditation, prayer, whatever has significance for you. Think about how much you really want to know your desire. Think of all the reasons you want to. Then place the statement in your mind: "I wish to know what my desire is." or whatever question comes to you in contemplation.

Keep doing this and pay attention to the events in your life.

The expansiveness of the resource of mind is astounding. Intend to open up to it and it shall be so. There is no doubt in my mind, and I only keep stressing the point to impress upon you that you need not make it complicated. You need only make it sincere.

[Adonai One]

I've thought of what I wanted. I simply wish to navigate to preferable positions at will, with the ability to change these positions to more preferable positions just as easily. This is only dependent on my ability to raise consciousness rapidly.

My main occupation is now meditation and teaching meditation; Only seeking to reach meditation in any state, with myself and others.

[Night Owl]

My problem is that every time I find a desire it is a desire of not wanting something. Those are like basic questions most people succeed at answering without much trouble occupations/jobs/relationships/ dreams or simple day to day basis decision like what to eat, what to do with spare time?

What do I want to eat? I probably don't care but I can tell you a long list of things I don't want to eat.

What do I want to do? I am probably well with any outcome that is likely to happen today but I can tell you a long list of things I do not want to do.

How do I want to earn money? I don't have preferences but I am absolutely certain that I don't want to do most of the existing jobs.

What kind of person am I attracted to? I am well in the company of most people unless there are too much people around but I am certain I do not desire a close relationship with any being that is currently in my surrounding that is not already in my friends/family. I don't think I've let anybody get really close to me either but I have never felt enough of a strong connection to desire for closer connectrion with another self.

What was my dream when I was a kid was to be a good drummer. I have now reached a level far beyond what I could imagine at the time therefore I would mark this dream as checked. As of the present state this dream could have evolved into making money out of it. That is like a slow neverending and never really stable process but things are in motion nevertheless so I can't complain.

I have no trouble finding things I enjoy. I like listening to music, I like to move, explore and travel. I like spending time in nature and with animals. I like to enjoy the little things like eating breathing, thinking and learning. But it's like I have no expectations whatsoever about the future. What are the things I should want? On a purely energetic level I desire that all be well, that everybody around me be as well as they can, that there may be the least possible amount of resistance found on my path and on others path. In short, that everyone lives his freewill. I desire that everybody be at peace. I desire to enjoy my present time and I desire that others enjoy their time. But we are in a society and/or in a reality where it's like we MUST do stuff. And I have no desire of such things. THAT is something that I desire, that nothing MUST be done but that things that are done be seeked, worked out and succeeded with the most enjoyment possible out of it. It's like I have the good mindset to be well with the flow of life but I don't have what it takes to be what some would call a functioning member of society.

[rva_jeremy]

My problem is that every time I find a desire it is a desire of not wanting something.

Yeah, I think I understand: it's confounding to manifest a negative. But a negative has one advantage: it makes room for the answer to a question. Diana had a great suggestion: try just saying no to things and see how reinforcing that negative space opens up room. It's worth a try, because I get what you're saying that you kind of aren't sure how to bootstrap this.

Also, remember that none of this is purely or even substantially intellectual. I found that paying attention to my emotions yielded a tremendous dimension of experience that I had not really respected. There is a lot of content there and it's not just baggage--that's what I used to think, effectively.

[1109]

My problem is that every time I find a desire it is a desire of not wanting something. Those are like basic questions most people succeed at answering without much trouble occupations/jobs/relationships/ dreams or simple day to day basis decision like what to eat, what to do with spare time?

What do I want to eat? I probably don't care but I can tell you a long list of things I don't want to eat.

What do I want to do? I am probably well with any outcome that is likely to happen today but I can tell you a long list of things I do not want to do.

How do I want to earn money? I don't have preferences but I am absolutely certain that I don't want to do most of the existing jobs.

What kind of person am I attracted to? I am well in the company of most people unless there are too much people around but I am certain I do not desire a close relationship with any being that is currently in my surrounding that is not already in my friends/family. I don't think I've let anybody get really close to me either but I have never felt enough of a strong connection to desire for closer connectrion with another self.

What was my dream when I was a kid was to be a good drummer. I have now reached a level far beyond what I could imagine at the time therefore I would mark this dream as checked. As of the present state this dream could have evolved into making money out of it. That is like a slow neverending and never really stable process but things are in motion nevertheless so I can't complain.

I have no trouble finding things I enjoy. I like listening to music, I like to move, explore and travel. I like spending time in nature and with animals. I like to enjoy the little things like eating breathing, thinking and learning. But it's like I have no expectations whatsoever about the future. What are the things I should want? On a purely energetic level I desire that all be well, that everybody around me be as well as they can, that there may be the least possible amount of resistance found on my path and on others path. In short, that everyone lives his freewill. I desire that everybody be at peace. I desire to enjoy my present time and I desire that others enjoy their time. But we are in a society and/or in a reality where it's like we MUST do stuff. And I have no desire of such things. THAT is something that I desire, that nothing MUST be done but that things that are done be seeked, worked out and succeeded with the most enjoyment possible out of it. It's like I have the good mindset to be well with the flow of life but I don't have what it takes to be what some would call a functioning member of society.

Oh my, this post is like looking in a mirror. My biggest issue right now is to find my passion in this life. It's like there's all this energy streaming in but I don't know where to channel it, how to make it useful on this Earth-plane. All avenues seem awful in one way or another. In the end I just keep reading my books and stay passive, which of course triggers backlash from the Law of Responsibility.

[Night Owl]

My problem is that every time I find a desire it is a desire of not wanting something.

Yeah, I think I understand: it's confounding to manifest a negative.  But a negative has one advantage: it makes room for the answer to a question.  Diana had a great suggestion: try just saying no to things and see how reinforcing that negative space opens up room.  It's worth a try, because I get what you're saying that you kind of aren't sure how to bootstrap this.

Also, remember that none of this is purely or even substantially intellectual.  I found that paying attention to my emotions yielded a tremendous dimension of experience that I had not really respected.  There is a lot of content there and it's not just baggage--that's what I used to think, effectively.

Actually I think I've been saying no too much. I'm actually trying it backwards lately. But what intrigues me is why would I incarnate knowing only what I don't want? How is that useful or purposeful? It gets frustrating never knowing what I want. I have a hard time figuring out what I am because of that. I have to work backward with pretty much anything. People always seem to project on me their impressions of me and it always seem so far from something I can identify with. Like they cannot identify me with anything else than what they think they would have to be to act or think like I do but different people do similar things for different reasons. But I can't blame them how can they know me if I don't myself. I am a strange creator indeed. Why is it that I can get a really clear picture of everything outside of me but anything about me is completely veiled except what I don't want and what I am not?

[rva_jeremy]

I found this Hatonn quote right on point with what I've been learning

Serving in general must never be a “should” but always a rejoicing in the ability to do what you have to do. Take all of those things which you should do but do not wish to do and discard them. For only in joy will your service be felt, regardless of its effect, as an honest service.

[AnthroHeart]

I don't know. I didn't want to help my mom with dinner one day, but I did anyway, and I felt better after. She needed my help, but it was a should, as in I should help her. I don't resonate with every channeled material.