12-12-2015, 01:03 PM
Hello. -dumps purse out onto ground-
I don't know why I feel particularly moved to suddenly provide this experience but it is one of those things that came up as I pondered happier moments in my life. Actually, the sad thing is the memory now is very sad to me, enough so I'm still a bit teary-eyed as I contemplate how to formulate my post, thinking about how to explain it straight.
I fall in love maybe, too much. The Mother of my Son was my first real, happy, relationship. Only, honestly. Being so different and all, it was impossible, and I do mean impossible to have a relationship with really anyone. Not for lack of trying, there were a few. Baaad ones. Then her. And, well, so much so that even to this day as these memories grow cold and bitter or sour or sad, I still would do it all over again because I love and forgive her and myself...
I'm not sure if anyone has ever known the joy of sleeping with another wrapped in your arms. I never really knew but always longed for it since a very young age, I could never sleep without spooning an entire pillow, or 4, to this day, left or right side I need a pillow or I sleep uncomfortably. Not surprisingly, I might like cuddling too much. ...I am literally hating myself right now because I have never been good at remembering day-by-day or week-by-week activities in a row, I suck at planned dates I'm not reminded about, as some here already know now... So...I can't even say...When or how far into the relationship this was except maybe...6 months? I don't know, I really don't... And I hate it. Ugh.
Anyways. Me and my now-ex bonded pretty quickly, at first mostly sexually, then quickly emotionally and mentally. And she slept over pretty often since her cousin was, uh, very touchy about her home. So we got into netflix, and started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, and it was pretty swell. There was one night though that sticks out in particular, it was not even anything spectacular but the mundane, that made it all suddenly....Well. We both had fallen asleep to the show, her laptop automatically shuts off if we don't touch anything, netflix stops playing and asks if you're still watching, pretty neato. So we cuddled kind of like, how, one pretzels warmly into another hug-like??? And one night, I remember waking up and being confused for a second because I couldn't move, then I realized, I was with her, and alone with her, and warm and comfortable, and nothing was wrong. Everything was good. And it all sort of hit me at once because it was all so plain, my fan was whirring about semi-white-noisely at usual, my room was pitch dark and peaceful as if a velvet dark violet purple darkness was overlaid instead of the pitch black. And I started crying because that was one of those Moments where it all sinks into you and you realize how perfect everything can be, how nice life can feel. The Love. Anyways, that was then. Now, I cry to the memory from sadness at what used to be versus what is now, and how I got myself there so flawlessly.
I long for that chance once more... To, make right the mistakes I made. I wish I knew back then, had a clue...So close but too far away. I couldn't wake up sooner maybe, or perhaps it was just meant to be, I'd screw everything up? I don't know. I feel like it was me looking back, somehow, someway. I am, different, even by her standards and she's different to normal people too. It's weird, how looking back I still feel the love, but there's that new layer of emotion. I Remember and the Longing doesn't help, it's sad. It sometimes drives me mad how I'm so friggin smart in some ways, but some...Oblivious, uneducated, unlearned, unaware in other otherwise...Socially normal ways. I had never really lied to cover for anything until her and her friends got in trouble because I failed to do so to cover their sneaking over to her cousins one night, because I obliviously didn't think to remember not to tell her Cousin in mid-casual conversation.
It's December, couples are everywhere, I never even got to enjoy a Christmas with Brittany...Each year I was gone or she was gone for those 2 that we had... So the holiday-blues be a bit hard this time around... Sucks.
Sometimes, I... -shakes head-
Sigh.
Does anyone have a Lover they miss or a memory of an ex that sometimes makes you yearn for the past?
I don't know why I feel particularly moved to suddenly provide this experience but it is one of those things that came up as I pondered happier moments in my life. Actually, the sad thing is the memory now is very sad to me, enough so I'm still a bit teary-eyed as I contemplate how to formulate my post, thinking about how to explain it straight.
I fall in love maybe, too much. The Mother of my Son was my first real, happy, relationship. Only, honestly. Being so different and all, it was impossible, and I do mean impossible to have a relationship with really anyone. Not for lack of trying, there were a few. Baaad ones. Then her. And, well, so much so that even to this day as these memories grow cold and bitter or sour or sad, I still would do it all over again because I love and forgive her and myself...
I'm not sure if anyone has ever known the joy of sleeping with another wrapped in your arms. I never really knew but always longed for it since a very young age, I could never sleep without spooning an entire pillow, or 4, to this day, left or right side I need a pillow or I sleep uncomfortably. Not surprisingly, I might like cuddling too much. ...I am literally hating myself right now because I have never been good at remembering day-by-day or week-by-week activities in a row, I suck at planned dates I'm not reminded about, as some here already know now... So...I can't even say...When or how far into the relationship this was except maybe...6 months? I don't know, I really don't... And I hate it. Ugh.
Anyways. Me and my now-ex bonded pretty quickly, at first mostly sexually, then quickly emotionally and mentally. And she slept over pretty often since her cousin was, uh, very touchy about her home. So we got into netflix, and started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, and it was pretty swell. There was one night though that sticks out in particular, it was not even anything spectacular but the mundane, that made it all suddenly....Well. We both had fallen asleep to the show, her laptop automatically shuts off if we don't touch anything, netflix stops playing and asks if you're still watching, pretty neato. So we cuddled kind of like, how, one pretzels warmly into another hug-like??? And one night, I remember waking up and being confused for a second because I couldn't move, then I realized, I was with her, and alone with her, and warm and comfortable, and nothing was wrong. Everything was good. And it all sort of hit me at once because it was all so plain, my fan was whirring about semi-white-noisely at usual, my room was pitch dark and peaceful as if a velvet dark violet purple darkness was overlaid instead of the pitch black. And I started crying because that was one of those Moments where it all sinks into you and you realize how perfect everything can be, how nice life can feel. The Love. Anyways, that was then. Now, I cry to the memory from sadness at what used to be versus what is now, and how I got myself there so flawlessly.
I long for that chance once more... To, make right the mistakes I made. I wish I knew back then, had a clue...So close but too far away. I couldn't wake up sooner maybe, or perhaps it was just meant to be, I'd screw everything up? I don't know. I feel like it was me looking back, somehow, someway. I am, different, even by her standards and she's different to normal people too. It's weird, how looking back I still feel the love, but there's that new layer of emotion. I Remember and the Longing doesn't help, it's sad. It sometimes drives me mad how I'm so friggin smart in some ways, but some...Oblivious, uneducated, unlearned, unaware in other otherwise...Socially normal ways. I had never really lied to cover for anything until her and her friends got in trouble because I failed to do so to cover their sneaking over to her cousins one night, because I obliviously didn't think to remember not to tell her Cousin in mid-casual conversation.
It's December, couples are everywhere, I never even got to enjoy a Christmas with Brittany...Each year I was gone or she was gone for those 2 that we had... So the holiday-blues be a bit hard this time around... Sucks.
Sometimes, I... -shakes head-
Sigh.
Does anyone have a Lover they miss or a memory of an ex that sometimes makes you yearn for the past?
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