03-30-2010, 02:29 PM
I have so much to say I am not sure where to begin and I need to get this out.....
I stand at a fork in the road, I look both ways, I know what the answer would be if I asked someone of a specific point of view which way I should go.
I was born with christian values, and christian heritage, I was raised in a pentecostal church. I know what their view would be on what my choice should be.
But during that time growing up, I never really 'felt' what everyone else seem to 'feel' from it. I never got the same thing from it. My real issue started with the analysis of "The love of money is the root of all evil". I started taking that apart and realized there was a deeper principle. Those who are selfish and those who help others. And then later, I realized other emotions reflected this nature of self vs. other. I didn't realize I was examining the basics of Service to Self, Service to Others. I had the concept even without the phrasing and before I ever read anything that describes it.
I also always had issues with the concept of how creation took place. The whole idea of how Adam and Eve started out seemed to break all the rules established later, which violated the idea of "God is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow", which also seemed to be conflicted in many other places as well.
Going down this road to it's logical conclusion lead me to study more on the creation of the bible its self. Everything of the ideas about christianity rooted its self there, so that's were I took my limited studies.
What I discovered really didn't help me any, because not only did many things not mesh, there are even more conflicts that arose. A basic principle of this was Free Will. Scholars have been going in circles over this issue for centuries. Does such a thing exist? According to everything in the bible, I have to conclude, No. (re: Romans 9 is the best example)
Outside of that, with all the outside world, Yes, Free Will does indeed exist, and in fact, is paramount it seems.
What disturbs me the most, is how the bible its self came about. It has been translated over and over, some of it passed down word of mouth for hundreds of years, by word of mouth until penned, then split, then remerged, then joined by other material, then the new testament writers, and then finally how the final version was assembled.
Inside the religion, you just accept these things and the work of God. Without religious glasses, it can be a religious text that has some good values, but written by man, and also re-written for political reasons. And mans nature of the educated to lead around the uneducated or the rich to rule the poor is no secret. Those who wish to serve self find a way to control those who wish to serve others. etc.
My conflict arises from within in so much that because I was raised a certain way, it now is impossible to tell what really is "That little voice in your ear" only being your upbringing. The human mind is a fascinating thing for sure. It can be trained to believe what ever you want it to be trained. There are experiments that show you can force it to accept things it knows otherwise is true.
What I am trying to understand is: Is my feelings about things and my conflict just programming, or an "inner voice" to say what is right or wrong?
Inside the religion, you have no free will, and you are warned not to go outside the box, or to question, just to accept and believe, and trust God is knowing what he is doing, in contrast, outside the religion, you have free will, to explore your self, to have self respect, and to value the diversity of the world, things of which the religion, at its true core, shuns.
I can't live in both worlds, that's not really possible for me now. Some might be able to resolve it, I can not. So, I stand at a fork in the road of my life. If I ask someone in the religion, and I can almost tell you what they would say. If I ask someone outside the religion, and I can take a few good guesses what they would say.
So, I have waked this out full circle. And I begin again, and around I go. There is a lot more then this. The basics of it being, and I it seems mathematically impossible, that we are not alone in existence. Those who think the world is only 6,000 years old need to visit a natural history museum a few times to see some Dinosaurs. Those are just the facts.
I also find the scientists funny sometimes, pretending they are not religious when they too, have their own creation myths that they do not treat as theory but treat as fact, something you can not prove, but desperately cling to and believe in.
And to fuel this fire a little more, all the esoteric material delivered by means of channeling. Much of it conflicts, some agrees. It all depends on the listener to what they choose to accept. (which is interesting you are told to accept what you will and not what you will not to, at least that bit is different then the rest) Some of this material attempts to resolve the differences between the religious and the scientific, and in some cases, even is partly being proven by science. Also of upmost importances is the value of free will.
And finally, the synchronicity of events in my life that have lead me to this point. little happenings that add more to the puzzle, or expand on previous knowledge. I'd hear one thing, that would stir a thought, then another, that would add to those thoughts, and another, then a burst of information that would be another piece, and then a rest, and then another burst of information that would expand the previous, and so forth, and so on. Never to much at a time, and always advancement in concept or idea, until now that there is enough to challenge everything I thought I knew. Sometime, I would evaluate a thought before it was spelled out. (like the concept of service to self, service to others.). One puzzle piece at a time.
So, what's the conflict? What I feel I need to study now is in conflict with how I was raised. I either need to abandon many of the old beliefs to move forward, or abandon my forward search. The reason for this is because of the general fundamentalism of a pentecostal upbringing. Some of it I don't accept as is now, but there is a core element set that needs to be dealt with.
Honestly, I look at the world and I see a polarity shifting, politics is an easy target of examination of polarization, just listening to the news and you see the shift in the world. The service to self vs. service to others polarization. I see the fundamentalism of the christian world and it seriously disturbs me now. I feel I want to move a certain direction, …. but….. then comes in that old feeling of "Warning, Warning, Danger Will Robinson"
"Is it live, or is it memorex". Truly, bad quote, but is it a live sense of "God" telling me what not to do, or just upbringing programming? And thus, why I said, I already know what answer I would get depending on who I ask.
Do I want to explore these things?, yes, I do want to examine them, I have been really following this path most of my life anyway. But now, I am at a stage were I need to truly follow the path, or go back, and I am torn over this. My family would freak out if I did, they wouldn't understand it, I am not comfortable with it only because of the 'feelings'.
What path is it I am looking at besides going back?, What is it that is so incompatible with my upbringing? The basics of this are life, how life came to this world, reincarnation, the idea that we have lived many lives, the power of thought and consciousness, the nature of creation, study of the Law of One material, changes in the world in regards to polarity, I guess you could say all the "New Ager" stuff. These ideas put the religious in a tussle real fast. Not only that, but I seem to be drawn to the idea of channeling for some reason. Out of all this stuff, it seems to interest me the most, though I am not fully certain why yet, which is also one of the things I am interested in exploring.
So, there you have it, in a nutshell. There is no easier way to explain it. Sorry for the wall of text, but I needed to get this mess out in some form. I guess this turned into more rant then anything, not sure how better to fix or state it.
One last item, I don't hate those who are religious, I value that they have values, I am just having issues with certain aspects of the religion its self applied to my own life. I don't mean to denigrate anyone, at least, that's not my intent, so please don't take it personally.
I stand at a fork in the road, I look both ways, I know what the answer would be if I asked someone of a specific point of view which way I should go.
I was born with christian values, and christian heritage, I was raised in a pentecostal church. I know what their view would be on what my choice should be.
But during that time growing up, I never really 'felt' what everyone else seem to 'feel' from it. I never got the same thing from it. My real issue started with the analysis of "The love of money is the root of all evil". I started taking that apart and realized there was a deeper principle. Those who are selfish and those who help others. And then later, I realized other emotions reflected this nature of self vs. other. I didn't realize I was examining the basics of Service to Self, Service to Others. I had the concept even without the phrasing and before I ever read anything that describes it.
I also always had issues with the concept of how creation took place. The whole idea of how Adam and Eve started out seemed to break all the rules established later, which violated the idea of "God is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow", which also seemed to be conflicted in many other places as well.
Going down this road to it's logical conclusion lead me to study more on the creation of the bible its self. Everything of the ideas about christianity rooted its self there, so that's were I took my limited studies.
What I discovered really didn't help me any, because not only did many things not mesh, there are even more conflicts that arose. A basic principle of this was Free Will. Scholars have been going in circles over this issue for centuries. Does such a thing exist? According to everything in the bible, I have to conclude, No. (re: Romans 9 is the best example)
Outside of that, with all the outside world, Yes, Free Will does indeed exist, and in fact, is paramount it seems.
What disturbs me the most, is how the bible its self came about. It has been translated over and over, some of it passed down word of mouth for hundreds of years, by word of mouth until penned, then split, then remerged, then joined by other material, then the new testament writers, and then finally how the final version was assembled.
Inside the religion, you just accept these things and the work of God. Without religious glasses, it can be a religious text that has some good values, but written by man, and also re-written for political reasons. And mans nature of the educated to lead around the uneducated or the rich to rule the poor is no secret. Those who wish to serve self find a way to control those who wish to serve others. etc.
My conflict arises from within in so much that because I was raised a certain way, it now is impossible to tell what really is "That little voice in your ear" only being your upbringing. The human mind is a fascinating thing for sure. It can be trained to believe what ever you want it to be trained. There are experiments that show you can force it to accept things it knows otherwise is true.
What I am trying to understand is: Is my feelings about things and my conflict just programming, or an "inner voice" to say what is right or wrong?
Inside the religion, you have no free will, and you are warned not to go outside the box, or to question, just to accept and believe, and trust God is knowing what he is doing, in contrast, outside the religion, you have free will, to explore your self, to have self respect, and to value the diversity of the world, things of which the religion, at its true core, shuns.
I can't live in both worlds, that's not really possible for me now. Some might be able to resolve it, I can not. So, I stand at a fork in the road of my life. If I ask someone in the religion, and I can almost tell you what they would say. If I ask someone outside the religion, and I can take a few good guesses what they would say.
So, I have waked this out full circle. And I begin again, and around I go. There is a lot more then this. The basics of it being, and I it seems mathematically impossible, that we are not alone in existence. Those who think the world is only 6,000 years old need to visit a natural history museum a few times to see some Dinosaurs. Those are just the facts.
I also find the scientists funny sometimes, pretending they are not religious when they too, have their own creation myths that they do not treat as theory but treat as fact, something you can not prove, but desperately cling to and believe in.
And to fuel this fire a little more, all the esoteric material delivered by means of channeling. Much of it conflicts, some agrees. It all depends on the listener to what they choose to accept. (which is interesting you are told to accept what you will and not what you will not to, at least that bit is different then the rest) Some of this material attempts to resolve the differences between the religious and the scientific, and in some cases, even is partly being proven by science. Also of upmost importances is the value of free will.
And finally, the synchronicity of events in my life that have lead me to this point. little happenings that add more to the puzzle, or expand on previous knowledge. I'd hear one thing, that would stir a thought, then another, that would add to those thoughts, and another, then a burst of information that would be another piece, and then a rest, and then another burst of information that would expand the previous, and so forth, and so on. Never to much at a time, and always advancement in concept or idea, until now that there is enough to challenge everything I thought I knew. Sometime, I would evaluate a thought before it was spelled out. (like the concept of service to self, service to others.). One puzzle piece at a time.
So, what's the conflict? What I feel I need to study now is in conflict with how I was raised. I either need to abandon many of the old beliefs to move forward, or abandon my forward search. The reason for this is because of the general fundamentalism of a pentecostal upbringing. Some of it I don't accept as is now, but there is a core element set that needs to be dealt with.
Honestly, I look at the world and I see a polarity shifting, politics is an easy target of examination of polarization, just listening to the news and you see the shift in the world. The service to self vs. service to others polarization. I see the fundamentalism of the christian world and it seriously disturbs me now. I feel I want to move a certain direction, …. but….. then comes in that old feeling of "Warning, Warning, Danger Will Robinson"
"Is it live, or is it memorex". Truly, bad quote, but is it a live sense of "God" telling me what not to do, or just upbringing programming? And thus, why I said, I already know what answer I would get depending on who I ask.
Do I want to explore these things?, yes, I do want to examine them, I have been really following this path most of my life anyway. But now, I am at a stage were I need to truly follow the path, or go back, and I am torn over this. My family would freak out if I did, they wouldn't understand it, I am not comfortable with it only because of the 'feelings'.
What path is it I am looking at besides going back?, What is it that is so incompatible with my upbringing? The basics of this are life, how life came to this world, reincarnation, the idea that we have lived many lives, the power of thought and consciousness, the nature of creation, study of the Law of One material, changes in the world in regards to polarity, I guess you could say all the "New Ager" stuff. These ideas put the religious in a tussle real fast. Not only that, but I seem to be drawn to the idea of channeling for some reason. Out of all this stuff, it seems to interest me the most, though I am not fully certain why yet, which is also one of the things I am interested in exploring.
So, there you have it, in a nutshell. There is no easier way to explain it. Sorry for the wall of text, but I needed to get this mess out in some form. I guess this turned into more rant then anything, not sure how better to fix or state it.
One last item, I don't hate those who are religious, I value that they have values, I am just having issues with certain aspects of the religion its self applied to my own life. I don't mean to denigrate anyone, at least, that's not my intent, so please don't take it personally.
