03-08-2015, 09:30 AM
Something I have spent much time contemplating lately:
It is very easy to relate one’s Self to one’s personality. If someone asked me to describe myself, I would likely tell them “I am an artist” or “I am an emotional person” or “I enjoy traveling and trying new things”. All of these are aspects of the personality I currently hold- biases that tend to shape my experiences in life.
However, over the past few years I have had several experiences in which my personality was dramatically altered in an almost instantaneous fashion. The most notable was when I received hormone inhibitors to treat a medical condition. Within a very short time I found that most of my emotional capacity had completely evaporated due to the suppression of my hormones. Without emotional filters, the world around was me was in crystal clear focus, and I saw things from an angle I’d never seen from before. Many of the emotionally-related habits that seemed to define the very essence of my being fell away like torn wrapping paper and within a matter of days I had become an entirely different person- cold, calculating and morally flexible, doing things I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing only a few weeks earlier.
I eventually had to go off the inhibitors because they gave me terrible insomnia on top of everything else, and when my emotions began slowly coming back, I was very disturbed by the entire process I’d experienced. I didn’t know the person I had been for the past several months. I felt that I had been kidnapped from my own mind, that I had become something other than myself, but then as I analyzed the experience I realized that there was nothing that took place from beginning to end that was not “me”. I was only experiencing parts of myself that had been previously overshadowed by more prominent traits, such as an adeptness at the black arts that had long been suppressed by the desire to be a “good” person. I was never unaware of what I was doing, and retained a continuity of consciousness that linked both personalities together like a river.
This experience caused me to look back on other experiences in my life- points when I changed from one person into another, and I eventually realized that this is, in fact, a process that happens daily. The personality never remains solid; it experiences minute changes nearly every second of the day. It only seems to be a singular identity because our brains tend to “fill in the blanks”. With further study I realized that even my physical appearance changes, sometimes quite dramatically, depending on the personality I am radiating at the time. I’ve done many photographic experiments with this phenomenon and found that even my underlying bone structure can change from day to day, yet no one notices these changes unless they are specifically pointed out. They continue to see a singular physical form just as I continue to see a singular personality, though both flicker from moment to moment, because the truth would be uncomfortable.
The truth is that we are not solid and continuous. We perpetually reform ourselves at a subconscious level, physically, mentally, and perhaps more. Seeing this, I have lost nearly all attachment to my personality because I know it will be gone tomorrow, replaced with something else. It is more something to observe and learn from that to identify with. Even my emotions have become curiosities I study without any real sense of ownership. It is an odd state of consciousness to hold, though a relief in many ways. I do not feel completely disambiguated, but my sense of identity has become very lax and flexible, and it feels as if a burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
Still, there are many questions on my mind. What is the exact function of the personality? What part of the Self would persist if it were completely stripped away? I am not my personality, yet when I reach beneath it in meditation I find things that cannot be put into words. Things my mortal mind is simply incapable of fully grasping. It’s easy enough to think there’s a higher “me” there- an essence that persists through change, but to actually feel and attempt to comprehend it is another matter entirely. Could one have an identity without a personality (would the Creator have any actual autonomy or sense of self?), and how far can a personality be stretched before it ceases to be?
I suppose it all comes down to the “who am I?” question that seems to define everything. Is it possible to truly transcend the personality within the physical form, and if so, would this be linked to contacting Intelligent Infinity? Can one pass through the gateway with their personality in tact, or would an understanding of its transience be necessary to even do so? It gives me much to consider in the discovery of my Self.
It is very easy to relate one’s Self to one’s personality. If someone asked me to describe myself, I would likely tell them “I am an artist” or “I am an emotional person” or “I enjoy traveling and trying new things”. All of these are aspects of the personality I currently hold- biases that tend to shape my experiences in life.
However, over the past few years I have had several experiences in which my personality was dramatically altered in an almost instantaneous fashion. The most notable was when I received hormone inhibitors to treat a medical condition. Within a very short time I found that most of my emotional capacity had completely evaporated due to the suppression of my hormones. Without emotional filters, the world around was me was in crystal clear focus, and I saw things from an angle I’d never seen from before. Many of the emotionally-related habits that seemed to define the very essence of my being fell away like torn wrapping paper and within a matter of days I had become an entirely different person- cold, calculating and morally flexible, doing things I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing only a few weeks earlier.
I eventually had to go off the inhibitors because they gave me terrible insomnia on top of everything else, and when my emotions began slowly coming back, I was very disturbed by the entire process I’d experienced. I didn’t know the person I had been for the past several months. I felt that I had been kidnapped from my own mind, that I had become something other than myself, but then as I analyzed the experience I realized that there was nothing that took place from beginning to end that was not “me”. I was only experiencing parts of myself that had been previously overshadowed by more prominent traits, such as an adeptness at the black arts that had long been suppressed by the desire to be a “good” person. I was never unaware of what I was doing, and retained a continuity of consciousness that linked both personalities together like a river.
This experience caused me to look back on other experiences in my life- points when I changed from one person into another, and I eventually realized that this is, in fact, a process that happens daily. The personality never remains solid; it experiences minute changes nearly every second of the day. It only seems to be a singular identity because our brains tend to “fill in the blanks”. With further study I realized that even my physical appearance changes, sometimes quite dramatically, depending on the personality I am radiating at the time. I’ve done many photographic experiments with this phenomenon and found that even my underlying bone structure can change from day to day, yet no one notices these changes unless they are specifically pointed out. They continue to see a singular physical form just as I continue to see a singular personality, though both flicker from moment to moment, because the truth would be uncomfortable.
The truth is that we are not solid and continuous. We perpetually reform ourselves at a subconscious level, physically, mentally, and perhaps more. Seeing this, I have lost nearly all attachment to my personality because I know it will be gone tomorrow, replaced with something else. It is more something to observe and learn from that to identify with. Even my emotions have become curiosities I study without any real sense of ownership. It is an odd state of consciousness to hold, though a relief in many ways. I do not feel completely disambiguated, but my sense of identity has become very lax and flexible, and it feels as if a burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
Still, there are many questions on my mind. What is the exact function of the personality? What part of the Self would persist if it were completely stripped away? I am not my personality, yet when I reach beneath it in meditation I find things that cannot be put into words. Things my mortal mind is simply incapable of fully grasping. It’s easy enough to think there’s a higher “me” there- an essence that persists through change, but to actually feel and attempt to comprehend it is another matter entirely. Could one have an identity without a personality (would the Creator have any actual autonomy or sense of self?), and how far can a personality be stretched before it ceases to be?
I suppose it all comes down to the “who am I?” question that seems to define everything. Is it possible to truly transcend the personality within the physical form, and if so, would this be linked to contacting Intelligent Infinity? Can one pass through the gateway with their personality in tact, or would an understanding of its transience be necessary to even do so? It gives me much to consider in the discovery of my Self.