Like a misplaced puzzle piece

[sillypumpkins]

Sometimes I feel this way. Like if the world is a giant jigsaw puzzle, I often perceive myself to be a piece of that puzzle that accidentally made it's way into earth's puzzle. I don't feel right. I don't fit here, basically, is the perception.

It's hard being here sometimes. Like, really, really hard. 

Imagine how a puzzle piece might feel, being in a box with a bunch of other pieces that seem to make up a beautiful image. And yet, here I am, just not feeling right. Where do I fit in? I really don't know. There's no apparent answer from my perspective. 

I feel sadness a lot. I've been crying a lot. Being here can be (and often is) tough for me. 

I don't understand a lot of this stuff. It's difficult. I struggle a lot these days. I often contemplate whether this is worth it, and if I should just end it all. Whenever I get close to making a decision, well, my invisible helpers seem to deter me. 

Just wanted to air that out..... it's so heavy these days. I don't mean to be a bummer, I just don't have many people to talk to about this stuff.

[aWanderer91]

I can relate to this on a very deep level, and I have felt like this for years as I've been going through the dark night of the soul.

I won't give you advice, as you haven't asked for it, but I can share what I have chosen to do after feeling the deep alienation and misplacement that you have been feeling.

I've come to understand that while I try to fit in, or constantly try and work out why I feel so different and without purpose, that I only fall deeper out of alignment and feel evermore deserted by God, my guides and my higher self.

Instead I have surrendered to the creator, in a deep and sincere way, and I've told him quite openly that I have no idea where I fit in. I've asked that the creator fit me in however he pleases. To use me as a vessel and I will allow whatever he has planned for me. This is a moment by moment choice, to surrender that is. I've relinquished all of my ideas of what I should be doing and I've stopped being angry/upset that I feel so lost in this world.

I've since started to feel a whole lot more peace, blockages are being removed from my body, both physically and metaphysically. My mind is gradually calming down. Positive thoughts have begun to arise once more and I have a heartfelt knowing that if I continue this I will be led to a beautiful and purposeful life. It's like the creator and life saying, "you only had to surrender all along".

I hope this helps in someway and thank you for sharing this

[sillypumpkins]

I can relate to this on a very deep level, and I have felt like this for years as I've been going through the dark night of the soul.

I won't give you advice, as you haven't asked for it, but I can share what I have chosen to do after feeling the deep alienation and misplacement that you have been feeling.

I've come to understand that while I try to fit in, or constantly try and work out why I feel so different and without purpose, that I only fall deeper out of alignment and feel evermore deserted by God, my guides and my higher self.

Instead I have surrendered to the creator, in a deep and sincere way, and I've told him quite openly that I have no idea where I fit in. I've asked that the creator fit me in however he pleases. To use me as a vessel and I will allow whatever he has planned for me. This is a moment by moment choice, to surrender that is. I've relinquished all of my ideas of what I should be doing and I've stopped being angry/upset that I feel so lost in this world.

I've since started to feel a whole lot more peace, blockages are being removed from my body, both physically and metaphysically. My mind is gradually calming down. Positive thoughts have begun to arise once more and I have a heartfelt knowing that if I continue this I will be led to a beautiful and purposeful life. It's like the creator and life saying, "you only had to surrender all along".

I hope this helps in someway and thank you for sharing this

Thank you....... you stirred me a bit... my emotional side recognized some truth in your words it seems and I began to cry after reading your post. The simplicity of it all can be so stunning. For some reason, it is hard for me to see how simple it can be, so when I read words like yours, it shakes me in a way. 


And yet..... I still continue to do (and not do) all the things that would (or wouldn't) cause me such pain...... or is it as simple as that? That is, doing or not doing certain "things"? I don't know. I often find myself "backspacing" a lot on these forums especially. I type something up, and then I say to myself, "that's stupid, you're revealing a part of your self that you don't want others to see", then I delete my comment and carry on with my life. So I'm just spitballing here. Trying my best not to stifle myself so as to come off a certain way, if that makes sense. That's where I'm coming from with the original post.

Thanks again, friend 

[aWanderer91]

Awww, thank you for your response, that was lovely

I think it can be that simple, and surrender and letting go means releasing the hold we have on ourselves into pure naturalness and authenticity. The ego can be very cunning, clever and powerful at times so I think we have to forgive ourselves if we become unconscious and then we let go again.

Surrender is such a huge word in the spiritual community, and a lot of time I'm not even sure being's know how to surrender, what we're surrendering to and what's meant to happen when we do surrender.

A huge part of surrender for me and what's worked since I was a child, is letting go into the bodies intelligence. It will move on its own, do what it has to do and we can just be there as awareness. It's quite enjoyable and remarkable when we just watch, and realise the body goes on just fine by itself.

I don't know whether this helps because I was halfway through writing my original response when the page crashed! (which I just allowed, considering it was very annoying lol) but I tried again. I hope I'm making sense here.

[MonadicSpectrum]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, sillypumpkins.

I'm glad you were able to authentically share your experience, and I accept you as you are. You are free to believe as you wish, but I see you as a critical piece of the puzzle of humanity just like all of us. As you learn and grow, you help the whole world learn and grow because we are all interconnected. Thank you for not giving up.

Here is a song of encouragement:

[tadeus]

Imagine how a puzzle piece might feel, being in a box with a bunch of other pieces that seem to make up a beautiful image. And yet, here I am, just not feeling right. Where do I fit in? I really don't know. There's no apparent answer from my perspective.

Maybe some of us are not here to be a part of the puzzle?

Maybe we are here to imagine a plan to solve the puzzle?

So when you want it can be helpful to alter the question when there is no answer.

[Diana]

Here is another way to to see this. What about it being a good thing that one doesn't fit in? I say this because I have never wanted to fit in. Maybe it's because I am a bit of a rebel. Loving your own uniqueness is a strength. Loving the idea that you are not like everyone else, and that may be in very significant ways, is a cause to celebrate in my book, and you are in the company of so many others who are (and were) unique here and didn't fit in—people like Nikola Tesla and Vincent Van Gogh and every person who thought outside the box.

This is not to say I don't understand what you mean, Sillypumpkins, because I do. This place, as you say and I agree, can be very, very hard. What mitigates this for me a lot is giving to this world. You are a musician. You can give your music to the world. Not that that is something you should feel you have to do. Just being your unique self and living authentically is enough. Over the years I have done things like remove spiders from a business meeting or someone's house. I never did this so I could make a statement to anyone, I did it for the spider (scorpion, lizard, etc.), nonetheless, it left a little seed in the minds of the people there—that all life matters. So just being who you are, especially if you are different, especially if you don't fit in, is so important for this world for it to move beyond the status quo, the box of societal and cultural limitations, and the rigid belief systems people cling to consciously and unconsciously.

[IndigoSalvia]

I was reading Quo last night and they made a special note of explaining the STO and STS paths, as that which is and that which is not paths, respectively. As a person who didn't/doesn't fit in particularly well, I wonder if the world about us - the 3D illusion, consensus reality, etc. - presents to us what seems to be ample opportunity to participate in that which is not. More specifically, that which is not us .. that which does not seem to fit no matter how much we try (or don't try as the case may be).

Kind of like Goldilocks: that's too hard, that's too soft, that's too cold, that's too hot, and eventually Goldilocks finds something that's just right. That is a fit just for her.

More so when I was younger, I walked around wondering: why in the world don't I fit in like others seem to? It - the world about me, the seeming rules and expectations - just never seemed to feel like a good fit. I vacillated between trying to fit in and not trying at all.

And perhaps that's the point of the journey: to find, through trial and error, what truly resonates, what truly fits for each one of us. 

When I look back at my years here, I can see a fair amount of feeling like I didn't fit. The times I savor the most are when I seemingly stumbled upon being my authentic self. (I thought: Oh, wow, this feels right. Why aren't others doing this?) 

Perhaps, I could have lessened the trial-and-error struggles by listening to my own resonances, instead of those offered about me. I think that I could hear the world about me more than I could hear my own resonances. It's a strong illusion. 

As well, there is an opportunity cost. Instead of having a clear resonance and finding what is (for me), I learned lots about that which is not ... that which is not me. And in the process of trying on that which is not me, I learned to refine and hone in on that which is me.

[flofrog]

Silly, I Hope you don’t back pedal too much in the future. If by chance I see something I typed years ago and even if at the time it sounded cagey, when I read it today, I kind of think what was I smoking, this is not bad at all after all. . We are so hard on what we feel and think. So, mmm, don’t backpedal toooften.

[sillypumpkins]

Here is another way to to see this. What about it being a good thing that one doesn't fit in? I say this because I have never wanted to fit in. Maybe it's because I am a bit of a rebel. Loving your own uniqueness is a strength. Loving the idea that you are not like everyone else, and that may be in very significant ways, is a cause to celebrate in my book, and you are in the company of so many others who are (and were) unique here and didn't fit in—people like Nikola Tesla and Vincent Van Gogh and every person who thought outside the box.

I've been thinking about this a lot today, and I even brought it up with my friend today too.

I feel like you Diana, like a rebel. I don't want to fit in to society. I don't want to work in a cubicle, I don't want to wear trendy clothes, or drive like a really nice car. I do feel that, and yet, what I'm speaking of doesn't seem to have anything to do with any of that. Maybe?

Perhaps, I'm not looking to "fit in" in the traditional sense, but I might be looking for connection, is what I've deduced today. Maybe they're intimately related, I don't know. 

I want to be heard and understood by others and yet... how can one be understood by others if they don't understand themselves? That's where my thought process goes. It always leads back to the relationship I have with my self. I look for connection in others and yet.... I feel devastatingly disconnected from myself. There seems to be a relationship there. 

Thanks Diana 

Silly, I Hope you don’t back pedal too much in the future. If by chance  I see something I typed years ago and even if at the time it sounded cagey, when I read it today, I kind of think what was I smoking, this is not bad at all after all.  . We are so hard on what we feel and think.  So, mmm, don’t backpedal toooften.

 
Lol, flo, I typed up by response to Diana up above and I soooo wanted to delete most of it. But after reading your post, I didn't. It's hard but I didn't.

And "what was I smoking" lol. That got a laugh out of me :p. Thanks flo

[IndigoSalvia]

Yes, isn't flo always one to bring this easy wisdom in with joy and levity!

Silly, I Hope you don’t back pedal too much in the future. If by chance  I see something I typed years ago and even if at the time it sounded cagey, when I read it today, I kind of think what was I smoking, this is not bad at all after all.  . We are so hard on what we feel and think.  So, mmm, don’t backpedal toooften.

 
Lol, flo, I typed up by response to Diana up above and I soooo wanted to delete most of it. But after reading your post, I didn't. It's hard but I didn't.

And "what was I smoking" lol. That got a laugh out of me :p. Thanks flo

[IndigoSalvia]

Such wise words, sillyp, thank you. Ahhh, the identification of and with self. And, then one sees about it a house of mirrors. And when one peers into these many, many mirrors, one sees itself in countless variations. And, those peering back at you ... 

I want to be heard and understood by others and yet... how can one be understood by others if they don't understand themselves? That's where my thought process goes. It always leads back to the relationship I have with my self. I look for connection in others and yet.... I feel devastatingly disconnected from myself. There seems to be a relationship there. 

[flofrog]

Such wise words, sillyp, thank you. Ahhh, the identification of and with self. And, then one sees about it a house of mirrors. And when one peers into these many, many mirrors, one sees itself in countless variations. And, those peering back at you ... 

I want to be heard and understood by others and yet... how can one be understood by others if they don't understand themselves? That's where my thought process goes. It always leads back to the relationship I have with my self. I look for connection in others and yet.... I feel devastatingly disconnected from myself. There seems to be a relationship there. 

We’re all one for sure, lol

[sillypumpkins]

It's pretty weird too cause, tbh, I have been pretty horrible in my relationships lately. Like I've created this effect within my relationships wherein I tend to come off as just.. not okay, lately, and in doing that, people don't seem to want to be around me as much. At least, that's my perception. I've been perceiving myself to just be, so down on my luck. And in doing that, I've confirmed my own beliefs by making that a reality.

I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy, it seems. And it's weird having some awareness of that and still just... being horrible sometimes. Especially to the people I'm closest to. But also to myself.

I've also been spending a lot of time alone. Like 95% of my time has been spent alone in the last few months. So that doesn't help imo. Not to mention alcohol too, along with just a very strong desire to stimulate my senses. Whether it's through marijuana, alcohol, food, virtual media , etc. I often feel like I'm constantly trying to fill some perceived gap in my self, or like I'm always trying to make up for some perceived "lack" in my self. So I drink, smoke, eat, or whatever. Not to mention always draining my resources (money).....

I guess what I'm trying to say is that through all this suffering that I've been experiencing, I've come to see how intimately my own choices are tied to what my experience looks like. If that makes sense

[Diana]

I've been thinking about this a lot today, and I even brought it up with my friend today too.

I feel like you Diana, like a rebel. I don't want to fit in to society. I don't want to work in a cubicle, I don't want to wear trendy clothes, or drive like a really nice car. I do feel that, and yet, what I'm speaking of doesn't seem to have anything to do with any of that. Maybe?

Perhaps, I'm not looking to "fit in" in the traditional sense, but I might be looking for connection, is what I've deduced today. Maybe they're intimately related, I don't know. 

I want to be heard and understood by others and yet... how can one be understood by others if they don't understand themselves? That's where my thought process goes. It always leads back to the relationship I have with my self. I look for connection in others and yet.... I feel devastatingly disconnected from myself. There seems to be a relationship there. 

I feel I do understand you. I know that in my life the bolded above has been an issue, since I was old enough to talk. Me being an independent rebel-type has served me well. But there is that part of me that wants to be understood, even though my intellect doesn't care. For me that goes back to early childhood and I was asking adults about the universe and they had no answers and brushed me off with nonsense (you can ask God when you go to heaven sort of stuff). So I lived inside my head with all my questions and musings.

I am not sure where the compulsion for communion comes from. Unity is one obvious reason, but there is also the human instinct for survival, which depends on procreation and tribe. I have found, and this is supported by Ra's words, that the lower 3 energy centers must be strong and balanced in order to withstand and thrive in this world (and according to Ra, to reach a minimum balance necessary for the adept). So, I just keep on working on myself. For me, accepting the paradoxical nature of this existence is important. 

When the lower three energy centers are strong and balanced, I find personally that being understood isn't an issue. It's when I am out of balance in this regard that the urge to be understood surfaces. So I think you have wisely pinpointed the idea of being out of balance with self, disconnected from self.

[tadeus]

I feel like you Diana, like a rebel. I don't want to fit in to society. I don't want to work in a cubicle, I don't want to wear trendy clothes, or drive like a really nice car. I do feel that, and yet, what I'm speaking of doesn't seem to have anything to do with any of that. Maybe?

Perhaps, I'm not looking to "fit in" in the traditional sense, but I might be looking for connection, is what I've deduced today. Maybe they're intimately related, I don't know.

That sounds very familiar.

Maybe it is helpful to think about the difference between the two words Anarchy vs Anomie.
I prefer to use the word anarchist in the positive sense and not the (now common) sense, the word has been deformed.

As nouns the difference between anarchy and anomie

is that anarchy is (uncountable) the state of a society being without authorities or an authoritative governing body while anomie is alienation or social instability caused by erosion of standards and values.

[Margan]

Silly, is there some spiritual practice that you feel drawn to and that makes you feel good?
I was thinking about when you mention alcohol and smoking etc. Another word for alcohol is "spirits" and I always felt that many of those who drown themselves in alcohol - is just a misplaced desire for connecting with the divine, with the spiritual side instead.
And I find that when I am able to do that, connect spiritually and also surrender more, like wanderer said, then I actually dont need so much food or feel the desire for a drink or other "frivolous passtimes" ....
The spirituality is the only thing that can fill up the emptiness and desire we feel inside imo.
And please dont delete too many of your posts or what you write lol... I find myself doing that also because I very often think that's too stupid. And yet when I leave this stuff often I get some interesting answers and it is basically never what I feared would happen
And besides this is a very kind and loving forum - no need to be afraid of backlash anyways

[aWanderer91]

And to second what Margan said, maybe also don't delete as you can look back in a few years and see how much progress you've made. I've posted a few confused and irrational posts here I believe, but at the time I was talking my truth and hopefully I can look back one day and see the difference in terms of having more clarity, love and light about me

[flofrog]

So agree….  Whenever we look at the past we have to remember this each time,
  what we did was the best we could do at the time with our mind set at the time

[seren88]

Hi sillypumpkins,

Firstly, **massive virtual hugs**

Like so many others on here, I can so relate to what you are saying. Please know that you are not alone, despite how intensely that feels to be the case at times, I know the internet doesn't replace real life connections, but we are here, and we do understand.


I've not managed to extinguish this anguish in myself, but thinking about it in terms of - enduring this pain is part of my service to others, because my very presence here does make a different regardless of whether I am consciously involved in that or not. That sort of sounds a bit arrogant reading it back, but I don't mean it to be.

Accepting/realising that I am a wonderer (from where I don't know and it's sort of irrelevant), instead of doubting that, and accepting that there is so much I do not understand about my being, my energy, how it influences and interacts with others/nature outside of my understanding and conscious awareness, having faith that I am helping just by enduring, helps a little bit. It doesn't make it go away, but I bring my thoughts back to here when they get really dark.


I don't feel like I can connect with people fully either, I feel like most people feel that they can with me, but I've yet to share my self in it's entirety with another. I hope one day that will happen, but I also am wondering if this is a longing, a memory of home of how it truly feels to be seen/known and understood by another. It's painful, and as you've said, starting to form that connection with your self is part of it for sure.

Really tending to my mental and physical health has been an integral part of that process for me. Spiritual beings we are, from another place it seems, but we are inhabiting physical body's of this place for the time being, subject to psychological and physical influences that we can start to work with.

There is so much that food, herbs, movement, sleep, supplements, forming daily patterns (this is actually huge) that can directly influence our body's chemistry which directly influences our psychology, which will also directly influence your spiritual body/emotional body.

It didn't solve my issues, but, it's definitely been part of my process of balancing the lower chakras, getting in tune with my body, listening to it, it's a form of self love and self care, and it can take the severity of the depression down a few notches.

I've also used cannabis to just escape my pain. I have very positive experiences on cannabis as well and feel intensely connected to the universe.

If you are using it to escape though, then it's not serving, I got to this point, using it daily, and I'm not going to lie it did help with my despair. You have to evaluate where you are with whatever substances one finds relief in, and slowly reduce whilst brining in other things to use instead.

Not trying to lecture/offer unwarranted advice- sorry if I have. If none of this resonates that's cool, I have certainly not mastered this and it's not a constant for me.

I am currently feeling so alone and disconnected at the moment- I actually have a partner/we live together, but I still feel this way, I'm not wanting to really engage with others where possible.

I find most people exhausting to be fair, and I don't know how to get past this.

My DM's are always open if you just want to share how you are feeling, feeling heard and understood is such a fundamental need that people have and I think as a wanderer that's inherently difficult to achieve. This is partially why therapy works wonders, it's much more than that obviously but just feeling heard, feeling like you've expressed the depths of your self, and someone understood it, is so healing.

Often we are not looking for advice, we just want to be understood xxxxx


**Edited several typos here.

[Margan]

Accepting/realising that I am a wonderer (from where I don't know and it's sort of irrelevant)....

aww that is too cute what you wrote here, what a lovely Freudian slip. Thank you!
I checked and there is indeed a word "wonderer" - meaning "someone who is curious about something, someone filled with admiration and awe, someone who wonders at something"....
and don't  wanderers all wonder at why we are here, what we are doing and what this planet is all  about....


sosomeo

[Sacred Fool]

Here's a different puzzle.

How can a specified bit of consciousness understand what consciousness itself is?  Sometimes I ask myself--consciously or unconsciously--what is consciousness, and how can I answer this question when the consciousness asking is a small bit of the thing I'm inquiring about?  No one really knows.

Then how can a puzzle piece know much about the puzzle?  Puzzling, isn't it?  How can the piece know much about where it fits or does not fit when it really can't grasp the overall nature of the puzzle when it is only a small bit of it?  If a person asks this question from this perspective, why would it not feel puzzling, and this fact only compounds the puzzlement.

One cannot get to know consciousness deeply by looking at it from the outside because a piece cannot encompass the whole externally.  So, redirect the effort.  Close your eyes now and see with your inner eye.  The puzzle outside is but a reflection of the puzzle you see within.  You can never encompass an ever-expanding outward puzzle, but you can, from within, seek the very heart of the puzzle.  Once you can find consciousness in the heart of the puzzle, solutions to the puzzle begin to arise because the alignment of the heart and the consciousness are the initial purpose of the puzzling outwardly reflected, but inwardly centered, appearance of being.

And yet, nobody really knows if they are a true being or an appearance of being or something else.

[IndigoSalvia]

ah, a tongue-twister and intellect-twister.  I like this metaphor, Sacred Fool. 

Then how can a puzzle piece know much about the puzzle?  Puzzling, isn't it?

[sillypumpkins]

Silly, is there some spiritual practice that you feel drawn to and that makes you feel good?

Yeah! I love the arts, specifically music. Funnily enough, this dark period I seem to be in, has highlighted how much I actually love creating art. Like the background of darkness has made the light brighter somehow, through contrast. 

Playing/writing music is very soothing for me. I feel like a wizard when I play..... 

I've not managed to extinguish this anguish in myself, but thinking about it in terms of - enduring this pain is part of my service to others, because my very presence here does make a different regardless of whether I am consciously involved in that or not. That sort of sounds a bit arrogant reading it back, but I don't mean it to be.

I don't think it sounds arrogant. I tend to agree with that sentiment. It can be hard to remember that sometimes though.

Accepting/realising that I am a wonderer (from where I don't know and it's sort of irrelevant), instead of doubting that, and accepting that there is so much I do not understand about my being, my energy, how it influences and interacts with others/nature outside of my understanding and conscious awareness, having faith that I am helping just by enduring, helps a little bit. It doesn't make it go away, but I bring my thoughts back to here when they get really dark.

I seem to exhibit "symptoms" of being a wanderer, however I have had a contentious relationship with applying labels to myself throughout my life, so I am in the process of being able to identify with that specific label without giving my whole self over to it, if that makes sense. 

I suppose I feel like I can't ever 100% know anything too, and that includes whether I am a wanderer. So I just decide to not think about it altogether because it doesn't seem worth it.... *shrug*. 

I agree with you though, it's just... sometimes I become very confused. Even when catalyst becomes difficult, in the back of my head I'm like, "there's something going on here that you don't understand", and yet I am still troubled by whatever catalyst it is. Perhaps I am just not at peace with not understanding it all? And I am basically thrashing about, trying to understand something I am not ready for yet? Maybe? 

This kind of mindset, accepting that there are things that I do not understand, has helped me through my depression though. I used to get really bent out of shape about feeling so dark, but now there is a part of me that sees it as meaningful. So that's been helpful and sort of strange too. Psychedelic in a way 

I don't feel like I can connect with people fully either, I feel like most people feel that they can with me, but I've yet to share my self in it's entirety with another. I hope one day that will happen, but I also am wondering if this is a longing, a memory of home of how it truly feels to be seen/known and understood by another. It's painful, and as you've said, starting to form that connection with your self is part of it for sure.

Yeah! I feel this way too, like most people feel they can connect with me, but it's hard for me to connect with another.

I've been behaving pretty horribly with my partner lately. We're currently long-distance, both stressed and not dealing with our s*** very well. I feel lonely these days so I've started to subconsciously assign my partner the role of "my world" and so when I don't feel heard/understood by them, if they don't have time to talk to me, etc, I take it very very hard. Like, there are certain small things that bother me in conversation sometimes, then I blow it up into this big thing, my partner gets frustrated and doesn't want to talk, and then I just go into this dark place. This narrative of, "you always f*** everything up" surfaces, and then I just start beating on myself (sometimes literally) in a pretty bad way. This kind of mindset only reinforces the behavior though. Forgiving myself for these transgressions has proven difficult. Baby steps 

Not trying to lecture/offer unwarranted advice- sorry if I have. If none of this resonates that's cool, I have certainly not mastered this and it's not a constant for me.

It's okay, I appreciate your reply   

I find most people exhausting to be fair, and I don't know how to get past this.

For me, I think it can be so exhausting (especially in close personal relationships), because interacting with others can be such a potent catalyst. I already kind of hate myself these days, and so when I am interacting with others, it's like staring in the mirror. And I don't like what I see, so that can be really trying. 

That's part of it at least.... for me *shrug*

My DM's are always open if you just want to share how you are feeling, feeling heard and understood is such a fundamental need that people have and I think as a wanderer that's inherently difficult to achieve. This is partially why therapy works wonders, it's much more than that obviously but just feeling heard, feeling like you've expressed the depths of your self, and someone understood it, is so healing.

You're so sweet seren, thank you

[sillypumpkins]

Thanks Fool...... it is indeed, puzzling. I resonate with your advice of looking within rather than without. It is often apparent to me how much our inner world reflects our outer world, and yet I still find myself thrashing around in the midst of intense catalyst. I misunderstand in these moments.

Thanks

[Sacred Fool]

...and yet I still find myself thrashing around in the midst of intense catalyst.

Close your eyes.  See what you see then.  What's the movie playing inside your energy structure?  Take responsibility for it.

[sillypumpkins]

I did that today fool, and it helped. Thank you

[Sacred Fool]

I did that today fool, and it helped. Thank you

I glad for you.  One step at a time.

[sillypumpkins]

I’ve been practicing that for a couple days now and strangely enough there’s been lots of body sensations alongside it too. Shivering and all that.

[Sacred Fool]

I’ve been practicing that for a couple days now and strangely enough there’s been lots of body sensations alongside it too. Shivering and all that.

Glad to read this.  Keep it up.  Whatever is given to you to experience is what's right for you.  Over time the haze will begin to clear.  Just remain fluid and accepting.