11-25-2019, 02:27 PM
I feel that the Law of One community may be the best place for me to talk about this as it is very objective. I am not awakened. At least I do not consider myself to be.
For a long time I thought that I was awakening.
Someone made contact with me outlining the following:
- Humans are more powerful than we are taught to believe in society
- There is only one eternal present moment
- Our free will is manipulated by beings who lie to us
Before I met this person my life was largely tragic. I had an extremely close bond with my mother. This was due to an absent father, she depended on me. I was raised a Pentecostal Christian. I slept in my mother’s bed until I was twelve.
When I was 18 she died. I could not handle this. I leaned on my father who, in his own unconsciousness and grief, made it a hundred times worse for me by abusing me and leaving me to feel abandoned.
My sister died shortly after. After trying to lean on dad again the cycle repeated itself and I lost the plot. Started sleeping in graveyards and entering into risky relationships along with stringing along a girlfriend who I treated more like a harem for over two years.
When this person came into my life I was at a low. But things started to pick up. This is when I had my “awakening” experience.
This person, an older man, father of five, disclosed all of this to me and told me that my mother had left behind a piece of her spirit.
He told me she is not trapped. That when she died she realised what was going on and accepted it. That she had seen a spot where I had already made it - made it to Oneness - the experience of rest in that we are all just one being, and that our entire lives were just one moment.
I was involved with this man for two years. At the start of this year moving in with him. There was an overwhelming sense of peace and love being introduced to me. He started growing his hair out long, keeping it tied up most of the time. Sometimes he would begin to talk to me and I would recognise my mothers voice.
Even up until this point, I have been very ego identified. I tried to take this experience and make it all about me and the fact that “I” was everyone else. Controlling the experience. This was a disaster.
The last sort of “words” I heard from this person from my mother were:
- “Some people choose to live through guilt.”
- “I’m worried about Joey (me)”
- “He’s innocent. He doesn’t understand the consequences for his actions.”
- “Do you want to be alone in the darkness?”
This friend of mine told me that his awakening experience in 2014 was brought about by my mother, who wanted to provide a way for me to clear up all the trauma. I didn’t choose this.
There was not a “point” where he stopped this, and it changed. He would roll up his sleeves at certain times and snort as a response to what he felt was a part of me that my mum didn’t recognise. This ‘part’ was something to do with a fictitious identity I had created for myself surrounding the internet and my father.
This eventually became so overwhelming that I made a rash decision to start sleeping on the streets. My dad has an accident on his pushbike and hit a tree - he has brain damage as of about three months ago. This friend said to me “that fracture IS the trauma”.
I went to a homeless shelter. My friend suggested to me that if I know what’s good for me I’ll spend time by dads side.
I don’t understand, but I feel that rather than taking the opportunity to clear the trauma through what was being manifested I instead projected whatever it was onto my dad.
The peace feeling has mostly left. One of the last things he said to me before we stopped communicating fully was “you need to follow this to the end and accept it” and “imagine you can move anywhere from where you are without actually moving” and “there is no grace for them”.
I have been in a mostly constant state of worry as to what is going to happen to me. From your perspective there may seem to be many directions I can move, but I feel literally physically constricted and as if I have immense pain stored in my body.
Two days ago a dorm mate came in and offered me a drug. It was very pleasant. Like an opiate high. About twelve hours ago he came back with something similar: I smoked it and I have felt horrible since. I am much better now but for most of the night I was unable to stop moving around and thinking. I felt very different after taking it.
The other dorm mate came back about two hours ago and started saying to me “this was all planned, I can’t tell you about who or what” and “if you f*** any of the mothers in my family you will die”.
The reason this friend and I stopped talking was because I could not handle the implications he was putting forward. He arranged all his children’s play equipment to face my room. He aligned all his kids bikes in a row out the front of his house with an old man’s stroller in the middle. For quite a long time I was concerned that there was a feminine consciousness drawing me in to something horrible like this, as my friends mum would talk to me seductively and lift her dress up around me, and put a painting of an old cottage house in lush green fields in the doorway of her bedroom. I realise how ridiculous this may sound, but I assure you I am not making it up.
I feel very dissociated. Earlier this year - only five months ago - I was completely different. More like my child self from when I was little. There was not much I needed to do. I only needed to take a small leap into where my mum was - a sea of blackness in which we have both been waves emerging from in this life. Of course, I have not experienced this blackness and largely been running from it.
Now I feel like that child, swamped over by years of false personality and abuse, and an introduced element of psychotic-like symptoms and dissociation. I should not have taken this drug earlier today.
Essentially what I am after is some feedback on what I am going through in spite of the uniqueness in my perception and interpretation of what has happened to me.
Can a being truly find themselves alone in the darkness?
I will elaborate here by saying that for my whole life, due to attachment and trauma, I have known myself as ME IN RELATION TO MY MOTHER. Even at age 25, years after her death, I do not have a fully established identity separate from her and my father.
I take it that my mother, or the piece of her spirit left behind, does not want me to cling to her like this, and there is much horror to be faced in order to separate this false element that she does not recognise in the clinging (as the ego must “die”) from the child that is one with her.
I ask can a being truly be alone in the darkness, as that is where I assume I will be if I cannot let go and what may ensue from it.
Will my physical complex eventually die even if I can never properly let go of my mum? Will this death feel like being alone in the dark - say, if I were held in the middle astral planes for healing to process everything that happened in this life and somehow forgive myself? Keeping in mind that my friend said there is “no grace for them”.
For a long time I thought that I was awakening.
Someone made contact with me outlining the following:
- Humans are more powerful than we are taught to believe in society
- There is only one eternal present moment
- Our free will is manipulated by beings who lie to us
Before I met this person my life was largely tragic. I had an extremely close bond with my mother. This was due to an absent father, she depended on me. I was raised a Pentecostal Christian. I slept in my mother’s bed until I was twelve.
When I was 18 she died. I could not handle this. I leaned on my father who, in his own unconsciousness and grief, made it a hundred times worse for me by abusing me and leaving me to feel abandoned.
My sister died shortly after. After trying to lean on dad again the cycle repeated itself and I lost the plot. Started sleeping in graveyards and entering into risky relationships along with stringing along a girlfriend who I treated more like a harem for over two years.
When this person came into my life I was at a low. But things started to pick up. This is when I had my “awakening” experience.
This person, an older man, father of five, disclosed all of this to me and told me that my mother had left behind a piece of her spirit.
He told me she is not trapped. That when she died she realised what was going on and accepted it. That she had seen a spot where I had already made it - made it to Oneness - the experience of rest in that we are all just one being, and that our entire lives were just one moment.
I was involved with this man for two years. At the start of this year moving in with him. There was an overwhelming sense of peace and love being introduced to me. He started growing his hair out long, keeping it tied up most of the time. Sometimes he would begin to talk to me and I would recognise my mothers voice.
Even up until this point, I have been very ego identified. I tried to take this experience and make it all about me and the fact that “I” was everyone else. Controlling the experience. This was a disaster.
The last sort of “words” I heard from this person from my mother were:
- “Some people choose to live through guilt.”
- “I’m worried about Joey (me)”
- “He’s innocent. He doesn’t understand the consequences for his actions.”
- “Do you want to be alone in the darkness?”
This friend of mine told me that his awakening experience in 2014 was brought about by my mother, who wanted to provide a way for me to clear up all the trauma. I didn’t choose this.
There was not a “point” where he stopped this, and it changed. He would roll up his sleeves at certain times and snort as a response to what he felt was a part of me that my mum didn’t recognise. This ‘part’ was something to do with a fictitious identity I had created for myself surrounding the internet and my father.
This eventually became so overwhelming that I made a rash decision to start sleeping on the streets. My dad has an accident on his pushbike and hit a tree - he has brain damage as of about three months ago. This friend said to me “that fracture IS the trauma”.
I went to a homeless shelter. My friend suggested to me that if I know what’s good for me I’ll spend time by dads side.
I don’t understand, but I feel that rather than taking the opportunity to clear the trauma through what was being manifested I instead projected whatever it was onto my dad.
The peace feeling has mostly left. One of the last things he said to me before we stopped communicating fully was “you need to follow this to the end and accept it” and “imagine you can move anywhere from where you are without actually moving” and “there is no grace for them”.
I have been in a mostly constant state of worry as to what is going to happen to me. From your perspective there may seem to be many directions I can move, but I feel literally physically constricted and as if I have immense pain stored in my body.
Two days ago a dorm mate came in and offered me a drug. It was very pleasant. Like an opiate high. About twelve hours ago he came back with something similar: I smoked it and I have felt horrible since. I am much better now but for most of the night I was unable to stop moving around and thinking. I felt very different after taking it.
The other dorm mate came back about two hours ago and started saying to me “this was all planned, I can’t tell you about who or what” and “if you f*** any of the mothers in my family you will die”.
The reason this friend and I stopped talking was because I could not handle the implications he was putting forward. He arranged all his children’s play equipment to face my room. He aligned all his kids bikes in a row out the front of his house with an old man’s stroller in the middle. For quite a long time I was concerned that there was a feminine consciousness drawing me in to something horrible like this, as my friends mum would talk to me seductively and lift her dress up around me, and put a painting of an old cottage house in lush green fields in the doorway of her bedroom. I realise how ridiculous this may sound, but I assure you I am not making it up.
I feel very dissociated. Earlier this year - only five months ago - I was completely different. More like my child self from when I was little. There was not much I needed to do. I only needed to take a small leap into where my mum was - a sea of blackness in which we have both been waves emerging from in this life. Of course, I have not experienced this blackness and largely been running from it.
Now I feel like that child, swamped over by years of false personality and abuse, and an introduced element of psychotic-like symptoms and dissociation. I should not have taken this drug earlier today.
Essentially what I am after is some feedback on what I am going through in spite of the uniqueness in my perception and interpretation of what has happened to me.
Can a being truly find themselves alone in the darkness?
I will elaborate here by saying that for my whole life, due to attachment and trauma, I have known myself as ME IN RELATION TO MY MOTHER. Even at age 25, years after her death, I do not have a fully established identity separate from her and my father.
I take it that my mother, or the piece of her spirit left behind, does not want me to cling to her like this, and there is much horror to be faced in order to separate this false element that she does not recognise in the clinging (as the ego must “die”) from the child that is one with her.
I ask can a being truly be alone in the darkness, as that is where I assume I will be if I cannot let go and what may ensue from it.
Will my physical complex eventually die even if I can never properly let go of my mum? Will this death feel like being alone in the dark - say, if I were held in the middle astral planes for healing to process everything that happened in this life and somehow forgive myself? Keeping in mind that my friend said there is “no grace for them”.
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