Seeking conversation about shturf n thangs!

[Biu_Tze]

Hello there! Thanks for stopping by! <3

I am going to talk a little bit about my life, where I've been recently, where I'm at, where I'd like to be...
And I'd love to just get it off my chest #1, but also receive whatever input y'all feel so inclined to share!

Pretty much, relationships have been kind of tricky for me, in most shape or forms, romantic and friendships.
I married my ex wife really quickly after meeting her. We fell in love super faster, and it opened my heart back up to
all sorts of feelings I had been blocked from. Where we parted ways, again, it helped me to process a lot of things I had been dealing with.
The circumstances did a bit of damage to me, she was cheating on me with one of my close friends, and it gave me some trust issues.
It was a couple of years before I found myself in another relationship.
Anyways, I've had a few near misses where I got dumped and super heart broken.
It's difficult for me to want to focus on self love, even though I know that is what I must do.

A few years back I also lost the closest thing I had to a best friend, and I was very isolated and lonely for a long time.
About 4 months ago I got back into martial arts, and I'm starting to feel like I have a community in my life for the first since in years.
A girl and I in class have developed a mutual crush on each other, but she isn't in a place where she can mix sexual energy with being in a relationship. I love her so very dearly, and we get closer all the time, and while we're together I am so grateful for her friendship.
But after we part ways, my heart gets super heavy about the whole situation. She seems so perfect, and it's been so long since I've felt that way about anyone, much less they have strong feelings for me too.
I am struggling to just appreciate what is, and keep on keeping on.
Half of the time the INSTANT I wake up, I have this thought sound off in my head along the lines of:
"oh god, I'm so unhappy that we aren't together" Before I'm even half way conscious, and it triggers the emotion of
despair and emptiness in me.

I'll probably add to this more later.. but yeah.. this is what I'm feeling like posting for now.

[hounsic]

I would say enjoy the time with her while your with her and find a hobby or something you enjoy doing and put a little more energy into that.

[Biu_Tze]

I would say enjoy the time with her while your with her and find a hobby or something you enjoy doing and put a little more energy into that.

Thanks for your response.
I actually met her doing my passion, and she's there every night I am, which is awesome.
I spend as much time doing it on the side as I can too, but it's hard to find people to train with a lot of the time..
I want to find some other way to be creative, but I'm struggling at the moment.

I feel like I need to do some research on self love.. I keep coming back to that..
I have infinite amount of love to put out, but it's weird to try to direct it inwards.. I just don't want to.. it doesn't feel right..
I can't really mean it when I say I love myself to myself. I feel stuck here, and I'm praying something finally clicks into place for me.
I am open to working hard at it, but it's so elusive a topic to me... and I'm sure the answer is hiding in plain sight too.. argh!
Anyone have suggestions on information regarding that?

[smc]

family.....

does your family love you?

[Biu_Tze]

family.....

does your family love you?

For sure! I am loved by others. I am trying to figure out how to love myself better.

[smc]

in what ways are you unloving to yourself ?

[Infinite Unity]

I understand how despair can feel. Do your best not to feed that feeling/thought. Start meditation and during meditation focus on gratitude. Be grateful for all that you have, that the creator gave you being. Anything will work as long as your really manifesting that feeling. Self love can be tricky, I do not usually term it or break it down at way, it is tricky because hubris can be identified as the true self. A good way for me to finding my true self, is to be grateful. Find the small moments. See e sacredness in all life. Feel the sacrifice that under rides all moments. Feel the love and joy that embodies all things. Be grateful.

[Manjushri]

Sounds like a fun place to be. It's been a long time since I had a new fling feeling.

You opened up with a backstory of getting your heart broken. I believe your subconscious therefore wants you to use some wisdom this time around.

Enjoy the fling and all of the emotions that go with it, but remember - your heart was broken when your wife "cheated" ... either be prepared for that again or learn to accept it if the next one also "cheats"

Ps - not being ready to mix sex into a relationship? What signals is she really sending?

[Minyatur]

The most useful manner that I can think of to narrow down imbalances or separation in the love of self and others, is to seek to perceive both sides as One. To understand that you are one of the others and that the others are also your own selves, there is absolutely no difference in the two sides except the subjective vantage point we call self, you and them are the very same being.

I think the work to balance this is to understand every aspect that you do love within others as aspects of yourself. If you admire the goodness of another, then comtemplate this goodness as a portion of yourself, as a manifestation of your own potential. If you are harsh on yourself on certain areas, contemplate that this is also an aspect of others, a manifestation of their own potential and balance the harsh view of yourself with the kinder view you would apply to others. Understand that there is no sympathy another deserves that you do not also deserve yourself, understand there is no judgment of yourself that is not also judgment of others. Whoever you accept or reject is the acceptance or rejection of All, it is paradoxal to love others without loving the self for the same reasons.

Usually I think that self love that is not balanced equally with love of others hints to a false perception of others and/or the self.

[isis]

it's weird to try to direct it inwards.. I just don't want to.. it doesn't feel right..Anyone have suggestions on information regarding that?

my suggestion: if you don't want to, & it doesn't feel right, then simply don't do it. then you might happen to catch yourself uncontrollably loving yourself for giving yourself some slack. :)
when i'm feeling love for myself it's almost always a spontaneous thing, typically triggered by something i've done or accomplished that impresses me or something like that, & in those moments i couldn't make myself not feel love for myself even if i wanted to. & i like it like that. i'd rather not force/induce it on random whims.

for what it's worth, considering you have so much love for others i think that's a good indicator you subconsciously love yourself a great deal.

w/o the veil can one even not love themselves?

[Minyatur]

w/o the veil can one even not love themselves?

With the right distortions, I'd say it is definitely possible.

A veil probably has to play a role in the cause and effect that lead to these distortions though, one way or another.