Sexism

[Melissa]

I would like to express my thoughts on this subject because it's a catalyst I frequently 'bump in to', so to speak. I've often noticed how angry I feel about the way men talk about women in general. And I realise how distorted my view on men/myself has become over the years. When I discuss private matters on this board I never really think about the concequences but I clearly have a hard time accepting any remarks that may be expressed about it afterwards but that's my own responsibility. When I spoke about how uncomfortable I feel about random remarks made about my sexlife some subtle jokes were made which also didn't sit particularly well with me but I guess that's all ego related.
I don't want to sound like an old grumpy feminist here but there's a remarkable difference in moderating here on the board vs chat regarding how the guidelines (in general) are taken seriously. Especially around sexuality.

[BrownEye]

I'm sure you already read this, so removing in case of repeat reactions.

[reeay]

You went beyond your comfort zone to talk about it, then you are making a thread about it so we can discuss this as a community. It's like you are moving step by step to work with this catalyst. Awesome! You're approaching the issue sensitively by looking at what's happening within instead of blaming others... that is awesome, too! I guess what other people do is not in our control but we have agency to take care of the catalyst within. What would you like to see happen in your internal world as you work with this catalyst?

Yeah I hear you. Many of us have made jokes about sex and sexuality, and teased each other about it for laughs on forum & in chat... tho, there is a line when it is a personal comment that creates discomfort or distress. Subtle jokes or comments could be hard bc it's suggestive enough but not enough for people to say, whoa, let's tone it down. Sometimes I do feel like these subtle comments/sexual innudendos are like encountering psychic-frotteurs (inappropriately 'touched'). Thankfully it's very rare in forum/chat. On the one hand I think am I overreacting or being a bit over cautious (well, it's obviously a person catalyst so that's something I could work with). On the other hand, I think it's best that I talk about it with the person(s), no matter what others may say like grumpy feminist or whatnot. Grumpy feminist says NO! lol

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Do you have big boobs?

What is the heart behind your comment?

[BrownEye]

I am curious what the very first thought/emotion is. I don't mean to offend, there should be a buffer if she guesses it is blunt humor, in response to the thread itself. But there may be a 'standard' reaction to either the words or the fact that it came from a guy. Would there be a different initial reaction if it came from a girl? Is it a reaction to immature males? Or is there a history?

I just realized I don't know anything about her. Other than she has a good energy.

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Oh, I always thought it was a guy until these new sex based posts.

[Melissa]

Do you have big boobs?

See, it would be nice if this comment didn't feel like a punch in my stomach.

I may be overly sensitive (that's what I've been told my entire life) or perhaps I care too much about what other people think of me and how they interact with each other. I've always put a lot of energy in trying to control my environment, meaning; influencing people towards harmony. Which isn't the most healthy way to go about it and has served mainly as a survival strategy. Sometimes I still feel like a toddler really, looking at how the grownups go about it and not understanding any of it.
No self pity intended.

[BrownEye]

So you feel it centered in the plexus? Was there any dominant thoughts?

[Melissa]

Yes, plexus pressure. I thought it was degrading.

[BrownEye]

It would be really cool to do a session with you and see what your 'subconscious' shows you. Last guy said the stuff that he was shown did not seem to be an issue before he actually revisited them.

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Oh and sorry for punching you.

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I'm thinking, you 'felt it' even though the energy you felt was not exactly what I sent.

[Melissa]

Thanks for this interaction Such a session would be a nice experiment. Although I think it has a lot to do with fear/desire for dominance itself.

[BrownEye]

I will see if the guides may have insight when I get home. I mentioned my last session in the QHHT thread in 'health'.

[Melissa]

Great! I've read about your last session and I think it's absolutely amazing how well you work together with your guides.

[BrownEye]

Ok so I got info, will PM.

[Diana]

Do you have big boobs?

See, it would be nice if this comment didn't feel like a punch in my stomach.

When I started working for myself I was an advertising illustrator. I was dealing directly with biz owners and creative directors, most of which were men in positions of power. They constantly hit on me.

The way I dealt with it is to completely ignore it. If a man said something of a sexual nature, I went back to point: the job. Not in an offended way, just subtly keeping on track with why I was there. It worked--on so many levels.

However, we are different individuals. It's healthy to set boundaries, but not so efficacious to be emotionally attached to other's comments. But this tool works. It's sort of like rising above it. If you practice it, you may find that your focus becomes trained on moving to something else rather than being "stuck" on the offense.

It's hard work at times to be here, and you are not the only one who looks out an feels like a toddler. I most often feel like a teenager soul.

[reeay]

I am curious what the very first thought/emotion is. I don't mean to offend, there should be a buffer if she guesses it is blunt humor, in response to the thread itself. But there may be a 'standard' reaction to either the words or the fact that it came from a guy. Would there be a different initial reaction if it came from a girl? Is it a reaction to immature males? Or is there a history?

Yeah I knew you were trying to gauge reaction. Old-school gestalt therapy do similar things, elicit reaction to work with them in the moment. Altho helpful to some, there's a lot to think about in terms of free will and power-differential between person who elicits reaction and person who experiences reaction.

[Melissa]

Do you have big boobs?

See, it would be nice if this comment didn't feel like a punch in my stomach.

When I started working for myself I was an advertising illustrator. I was dealing directly with biz owners and creative directors, most of which were men in positions of power. They constantly hit on me.

The way I dealt with it is to completely ignore it. If a man said something of a sexual nature, I went back to point: the job. Not in an offended way, just subtly keeping on track with why I was there. It worked--on so many levels.

However, we are different individuals. It's healthy to set boundaries, but not so efficacious to be emotionally attached to other's comments. But this tool works. It's sort of like rising above it. If you practice it, you may find that your focus becomes trained on moving to something else rather than being "stuck" on the offense.

It's hard work at times to be here, and you are not the only one who looks out an feels like a toddler. I most often feel like a teenager soul.

I've tried ignoring it at my last job, which ended in a situation where my ex-boss nearly attacked me after I had finally gathered the courage to say something about his highly -highly- inappropriate questions/behavior. I literally ran out of his office and after another round of physical intimidation, a few days later where he cornered me and said it was best that we spoke about it in private, I went back to work as if nothing had happened -until I couldn't take it anymore. So, one day I just got up and left. At the time I was told that, again, I was overly sensitive. I don't think anybody really believed me, until much later, when he became overly aggressive against others aswell.
This was quite extreme, but I do find it quite hard to simply ignore certain kinds of behavior.

[xise]

Nice! I get to see balancing/energy feedback in action. This thread delivers

My random guess is that maybe you feel something in the solar plexus because the way you interpret the sexism you face/faced makes you feel powerless.

I'm sure BE and his retinue of energy workers will hone in on the distortion however. Cheers BE!

[BrownEye]

My random guess is that maybe you feel something in the solar plexus because the way you interpret the sexism you face/faced makes you feel powerless.

Yeah there is something there, and I think it is interpreted this way because of a belief that was created when she was a child. But, this is also a history that she is not connecting to consciously, which I guess is the same for all of us really.

The discomfort would be self created to relay a message about an unhealthy belief. How does she track down that belief though? I bet it would be cake if she tried regression.

Rie have you done regressions? I think you would absolutely love being a practitioner. It is something that nearly satisfies my curiosity.

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The way I dealt with it is to completely ignore it. If a man said something of a sexual nature, I went back to point: the job. Not in an offended way, just subtly keeping on track with why I was there. It worked--on so many levels.

I had to make fun of the situations myself. It mostly aggravated me when it was dudes hitting on me. I totally could not respond well to that. With women there was a sort of confused attempt to escape the situation, but with men I got angry and suppressed it.

[Melissa]

I get angry a lot. BE, I laughed at the boobs thing at first, then I got angry and surpressed it.
Now you're talking about me as if I'm not here and sharing personal info -which also makes me angry.

[BrownEye]

I get angry a lot. BE, I laughed at the boobs thing at first, then I got angry and surpressed it.
Now you're talking about me as if I'm not here and sharing personal info -which also makes me angry.

Sorry, didn't know I shared personal info. I know you are here, just responded to xise.

I will just butt out.

[Melissa]

Well, I think I overreacted again. Sorry, I'm just having a bad day.

[reeay]

It is something that nearly satisfies my curiosity.

I am satisfied with 'careful courtship' with the 'maiden' as Ra puts it

[Bring4th_Austin]

Notalone, thank you for creating this thread and being open and honest about something personal to you that you feel is an issue. I'm glad you brought this up.

I don't want to sound like an old grumpy feminist here but there's a remarkable difference in moderating here on the board vs chat regarding how the guidelines (in general) are taken seriously. Especially around sexuality.

The nature of communication in the chatroom is naturally different from the forums. Someone may make an inappropriate comment on the forums and a couple hours later a mod may come across it and drop a reminder or warning, or a member could use the report function to notify us of something they feel is inappropriate and we will see it as soon as we log in. Essentially, there's a much higher chance of us seeing abuse and attempting to correct it when the communication is static like on the boards.

The chatroom is obviously much more dynamic and constantly moving. Not only does this make it difficult to moderate, but there's no function for reporting, and if a mod isn't present then we are likely to simply not witness or address any abuse. We took one step to address this by designating good friend and cockatoo wrangler plenum as chatroom moderator. While he's present much of the time he still cannot be expected to catch and address every inappropriate action.

That being said, both the forums and the chatroom have guidelines in place which attempt to quell this type of thing. If you think something could qualify as sexual harassment or crossing the line of disrespect, don't hesitate to report it to the mods. If it's in chat, you could attempt to privately message plenum about the issue, if he's available. You could also send me or Bring4th_Aaron a forum private message with the transcript of the event copy+pasted, with a date and time, and we will look into it. It's rare that we'll catch anything "in the act," but we can still follow up and issue reminders and warnings if someone is crossing the line in the chatroom.

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Now, to address something else in this thread. BrownEye, your comment, though currently redacted, was a highly inappropriate response especially given the topic of this thread, for a couple of reasons.

On the surface, it's disrespectful and deliberately attempting to elicit an emotional response based on something highly personal that Notalone just shared.

But even if the intentions were to help pinpoint the root of an emotional issue through deliberate prodding, it's still inappropriate. Notalone did not create this thread asking for help in pinpointing her issue and she did not offer herself up for public analysis and diagnosis. This approach of sort of "guerrilla energy reading" is not appropriate and such exchanges should only happen when there's an explicit agreement between both parties.

Being disrespectful is still against the guidelines even if you are attempting to be helpful in a roundabout way.

[Melissa]

Well, this is certainly an insightful thread. Thanks all.

[Aaron]

I would make the distinction that it's not inappropriate to compliment someone in that way ("You have great energy" or "I like your energy"). But the subjectiveness of a statement like that (and the perception of it as well) makes it inappropriate to use as a basis for making a judgement about someone, whether that judgment is positive or negative.