[split] "The dark attacks from the shadow ..."

[Aion]

I've been doing dedicated work in consciousness for about 6 or 7 years now, been to the lowest hells and the highest heavens and still going strong here on Earth. I think the advantage I have is that I spent time early on working to become familiar with my mind and realize that what occurs in it is Void and so that freed me from the nightmare of images which I experienced.

The greatest challenge for me is it seems the more work I do the greater the potential I tap and from there it sometimes seems like I only ever have more work to do, so it can be hard to acknowledge the progress that has already been made.

[Aion]

Can't learn for an other self, though.

Very sly, but I disagree with your attempt to nullify my thought by your appeal to Infinity. It doesn't change the fact that you are contradicting yourself and using Infinity to justify it.

You talk about the Void in one sense and then in another you say 'this is like this' and 'that is like that', as though your interpretations are naturally correct, but they are not necessarily so.

Well perhaps to talk about it while using contradicting ideas is my current way of exploring ideas and raffining my interpretations.

I did state before that it makes no sense to me that "We are" and that I am not satisfied with "We cannot not be". So the Void is still something I have to work in my mind.

Sure, you are welcome to explore in any fashion you like but not everyone is going to want to go along for the ride and no one should be expected to. I know you'd say you don't but it does seem like you are maybe confused about why others may not want to engage in that.

[Aion]

Really, Min, if you want to have a hand at challenging contradictions then I would challenge you to contradict your own approach and methods, to work in the opposite way of how you normally work.

[Jade]

Jade, while I agree majorly with you...I must tell you its not a fair external judgment to say I didn't go beyond Green Ray in activation back then.  I did crystallize my indigo ray, but by the time I did I did enter into the martyr complex which being unable to get back to where I was (an activated kundalini indigo ray is a very, very nice place to be) the natural human judgments began.

I was very crystallized in blue ray, and my Green Ray's nested Pink Ray had been so opened, I could see incoming catalyst long before it confronted me, I was skirting The Razors Edge of Time, picking and choosing my path, which time line to go down you could say, rather than just fumbling forward.  When that stopped soon after, the powerlessness feeling to come was not pretty.

I would agree with you. I wasn't trying to say you never got above the green ray - but your green ray opened, which allows you to jump into the blue ray, and if you have experience in that as well, the indigo is there -  I think when we "awaken", we all get a good taste of the indigo to know its flavor. And I remember your posts, you had a very clear blue ray and spoke with lucidity. You still do that now but it is punctuated with moments of frustration and spite. It is possible to get back to where you were without working too hard - it's not about hard work, it's about dedication. That's the only reason I rail on about polarity - as with most things, we have to prove to the universe that we really want it. Dedication to polarity is a tool to get the body's energetic systems functioning in a predictable way, so that the catalyst of day-to-day living never seems to be too much.

I have thought often, that I should try again, try again, try to polarize again, try to raise kundalini again.  Try, try.

But I hurt and am tired.  I don't want to do it alone...And so...I'm not, not until I have a friend I can meditate weekly with...I can talk with about all of these things.  Do yoga with and just attempt to be polarized with.

This truly is not lone wolf work in 3D, even if you're a loner like I...The effects that follow can shake even your own foundation, and at those times without some support or someone to lean on, there's a chance of a falling down collapse.  Crashing into the self.  Sucks.  Does not feel good.

I know it's very hard, but it's likely that you're learning the lesson of self-sufficiency. You don't need anyone else. In fact, the more quickly you "take care" of yourself and put yourself into metaphysical order, you will attract more people into your life who are also into the same things you are. Two entities who don't meditate or do yoga don't often find each other and just start doing it together. But, set the example and others will follow. I probably meditated for almost a year by myself before my husband started doing it daily, too.

And, you are always welcome to our weekly Saturday AM meditations, if you can make it. It doesn't matter if you haven't meditated all week, we'd be happy to have you.

I Think everything will be okay, even if I don't graduate, I wouldn't mind another life...Maybe I'll make it not so lonely that/this time.

I don't think you have anything to worry about not graduating. You're barely a quarter through this incarnation. But you're right, even if you don't, it will definitely be okay.

By god I look back and still scare myself.  If I had violent tendencies I would've been a true danger to others...I thank my soul for formulating me as a gentle giant...

I couldn't bear to actually do the many horrible things my mind conjures up...  I often now a days wish I could stop the violent thoughts, but instead I accept them, and just let them play out then sigh and move on.

Sounds like you might be scared of your own power, which would be where the indigo work for your resides. I get that, I promise. That's why I also feel like it's important to be dedicated to using my powers on the "good" spectrum - if I am powerful enough to destroy worlds, I am powerful enough to heal them.

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

I'm not in a bright place so I'll try to be not just down.

Thank you Jade, I meant in regards to Work in Consciousness with meditations and yoga.  I still do both but tend to refrain from trying to do so with polarity-imbued intent.

The worst paradoxical problem in this area is how I so strongly desire to be alone with extreme introversion (its 3:21pm and I woke up at 7am, and have yet to leave my bed...). I liken myself to a codependent person, the best part, I'd do CoDa meetings if I didn't feel so bothered by the dogmatic aspects of those meetings...  I need to try and go again.  I was stupidly happy back when I WAS with my ex, ever since then (end of 2013) I've had trouble just sleeping alone.  I miss having that one other.  I need a bestfriend and I have none now.  Relationships with me are like a form of fusion, without it, I just don't like not having that...whatever you'd call 'that'. I miss being one with another.

I think I need someone, probably not helping...

But I don't want to do any polarization work alone now is my point, once I'm not alone...  If ever.

I've found the Law of Attraction is not absolute, if there isn't anything plausibly available, a probability won't just manifest itself.  I'm quite a character in this book called Earth.  One of a kind.  And even though I see that in others, no one sees it in me.  A sort of pull/push occurrence metaphysically.  Like a ripple oscillating, if you're not like me you slowly move away, otherwise we get closer.  No one is like me it'd seem in a way that I have desired since.

Ohhh.  5.  Hence, very lonely since 5. Never more than one or two friends until high school, and of that group, only 1 I talk to weekly, if that.  To see others and keep them around, I have to deal with their issues.  One friend is a hermit, all he does is eat junkfood and play anime RPG's, never goes out, can't even drive at 24.  One friend is a kleptomaniac, last time she was here my headphones vanished.  Before that, my jewelry, before that, my money, before that.  Some of my video games.
One friend is a disney princess with highly fantasy like notions of reality, making it hard to even conversate with her.  Another is a pothead who can't seem to emotionally function without her greens (like my mom), another disappears into NAU but to be fair, she's pretty awesome and her life takes her time up, but to also be fair, she can be controlling and nonsensical.  Another friend is so much like me, Its painful being around him because he's stuck on his ex and I pick up on it to a painful degree...  making my feelings for my ex that much more harder to deal with.

Of them all, its a jumble of chaos more than anything.  If I were to look for my own traits in all of them, I'd think I were a drug addicted fantasy oriented imprompt irresponsible uncaring idiot.

In retrospect, I already do...  Even though I quit weed, am objective, prompt with work, somewhat responsible, way too caring and smart.  I'm also all things.

But that logic itself falls apart at times too leaving me with simply, I know nothing, about myself.  Despite knowing so much.

I'm not scared of my power, I'm scared of overestimating it in denial of how actually weak I am, then being put up against something I'm not actually capable nor desirous of putting up with.  I'm wary of my power.  I don't want to use it anymore, it all felt so wasted even though I'm aware collectively it'll be known, I personally derived more weariness from it all Longterm because I had no one to point out my selfishly being selfless for others as if I were them being selfish for them.

Ra says this isn't work to be done alone.  My personal experience says the same...  Doing this alone made me feel more lonely than I could have ever imagined.  Like I was literally alone cosmically.

If the Universe can't derive my desires and intents from how clearly I've made the few consistent constant one's known (just two, to help make life easier for others, to not be alone) Then I throw my hands up in the air and give up.

If I made it any more clear, I'd be bordering injecting my thoughts directly into the 'formulaetion' of my reality...

That I'm furious and frustrated now a days goes along with how now my reality is stable, but everyone around me is STILL SUFFERING.  Falling apart.  And nothing I do is good enough to ease that suffering.

It is.  One of two things, of both I felt once and now do not.

I await the pieces to fall into place, but in the mean time I just wish I could do more.

But...Healing worlds, I'll get on that.  The phosphene synchronicities are back hourly now, never had them be so often.  And my right ear buzzes with ringing daily now.  Dunno why.  Never do.  Wish I did so I could react accordingly and not just constantly blindly.

[AnthroHeart]

I don't know if I should respond with all the troubles I face. I don't know if that will be comforting.

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

You're free to share anything you want. Comforting or otherwise.

[AnthroHeart]

All I know is the worst I have been was when I thought I had violated the free will of a creation that I had made within me.
I could feel the burning of the sun of hell within me for doing such a misdeed.
I was trying to determine how I wanted the creation to be, and as such forcing my will upon my creation was violating their free will. Even if it wasn't. I was inches away from suicide if I only had the pills at that moment.

[Aion]

I'm not in a bright place so I'll try to be not just down.

Thank you Jade, I meant in regards to Work in Consciousness with meditations and yoga.  I still do both but tend to refrain from trying to do so with polarity-imbued intent.

The worst paradoxical problem in this area is how I so strongly desire to be alone with extreme introversion (its 3:21pm and I woke up at 7am, and have yet to leave my bed...). I liken myself to a codependent person, the best part, I'd do CoDa meetings if I didn't feel so bothered by the dogmatic aspects of those meetings...  I need to try and go again.  I was stupidly happy back when I WAS with my ex, ever since then (end of 2013) I've had trouble just sleeping alone.  I miss having that one other.  I need a bestfriend and I have none now.  Relationships with me are like a form of fusion, without it, I just don't like not having that...whatever you'd call 'that'. I miss being one with another.

I think I need someone, probably not helping...

But I don't want to do any polarization work alone now is my point, once I'm not alone...  If ever.

I've found the Law of Attraction is not absolute, if there isn't anything plausibly available, a probability won't just manifest itself.  I'm quite a character in this book called Earth.  One of a kind.  And even though I see that in others, no one sees it in me.  A sort of pull/push occurrence metaphysically.  Like a ripple oscillating, if you're not like me you slowly move away, otherwise we get closer.  No one is like me it'd seem in a way that I have desired since.

Ohhh.  5.  Hence, very lonely since 5. Never more than one or two friends until high school, and of that group, only 1 I talk to weekly, if that.  To see others and keep them around, I have to deal with their issues.  One friend is a hermit, all he does is eat junkfood and play anime RPG's, never goes out, can't even drive at 24.  One friend is a kleptomaniac, last time she was here my headphones vanished.  Before that, my jewelry, before that, my money, before that.  Some of my video games.
One friend is a disney princess with highly fantasy like notions of reality, making it hard to even conversate with her.  Another is a pothead who can't seem to emotionally function without her greens (like my mom), another disappears into NAU but to be fair, she's pretty awesome and her life takes her time up, but to also be fair, she can be controlling and nonsensical.  Another friend is so much like me, Its painful being around him because he's stuck on his ex and I pick up on it to a painful degree...  making my feelings for my ex that much more harder to deal with.

Of them all, its a jumble of chaos more than anything.  If I were to look for my own traits in all of them, I'd think I were a drug addicted fantasy oriented imprompt irresponsible uncaring idiot.

In retrospect, I already do...  Even though I quit weed, am objective, prompt with work, somewhat responsible, way too caring and smart.  I'm also all things.

But that logic itself falls apart at times too leaving me with simply, I know nothing, about myself.  Despite knowing so much.

I'm not scared of my power, I'm scared of overestimating it in denial of how actually weak I am, then being put up against something I'm not actually capable nor desirous of putting up with.  I'm wary of my power.  I don't want to use it anymore, it all felt so wasted even though I'm aware collectively it'll be known, I personally derived more weariness from it all Longterm because I had no one to point out my selfishly being selfless for others as if I were them being selfish for them.

Ra says this isn't work to be done alone.  My personal experience says the same...  Doing this alone made me feel more lonely than I could have ever imagined.  Like I was literally alone cosmically.

If the Universe can't derive my desires and intents from how clearly I've made the few consistent constant one's known (just two, to help make life easier for others, to not be alone) Then I throw my hands up in the air and give up.

If I made it any more clear, I'd be bordering injecting my thoughts directly into the 'formulaetion' of my reality...

That I'm furious and frustrated now a days goes along with how now my reality is stable, but everyone around me is STILL SUFFERING.  Falling apart.  And nothing I do is good enough to ease that suffering.

It is.  One of two things, of both I felt once and now do not.

I await the pieces to fall into place, but in the mean time I just wish I could do more.

But...Healing worlds, I'll get on that.  The phosphene synchronicities are back hourly now, never had them be so often.  And my right ear buzzes with ringing daily now.  Dunno why.  Never do.  Wish I did so I could react accordingly and not just constantly blindly.

To the part I bolded, what's wrong with that?

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

Ironically Aion, my thoughts on that are exactly what Gemini just said.

[Aion]

As I thought. I would like to highlight a key point in Gemini's post. Of his violations and punishment he said, "Even if I wasn't." This indicates to me that on some level of himself he understood that he could not actually infringe on the free will of his Creation because he is the Creation that he is creating within and so to craft it is a matter of art, of self-creation. However, Gemini has stated a few times that he has had some 'Christian guilt' and I believe that when he reached a state of awareness of being the Creator he had not yet balanced this dissonance within himself so it became reflected within his reality. Hence why his internal universe reflected that embedded idea due to its emotional charge and strong presence in the roots of mind.

I believe similar happened to you. You touched the universe within and realized yourself truly as the Creator, but experience backlashed against you. Yet, now you have taken effort and time to balance out that understanding and once again found yourself back in the presence of universal unity, a spiral above the last. I have no way to prove it but I strongly believe that were you to once again take up the mantle of Service and engage in Work in Consciousness, you would experience a side of yourself you have never yet seen but that I believe will reveal much about yourself to you.

I am calling to you and your light, can you hear it? There is a warrior sleeping within you.

[Jade]

We love you Joseph, I think you know this. You have built in friends, here, who care about you, and would help you as much as they could at a moment's notice. You aren't alone. There are people all around you who love you.

but everyone around me is STILL SUFFERING.  Falling apart.  And nothing I do is good enough to ease that suffering.

This is actually basically happening to everyone right now, if you couldn't tell. People's paradigms are shifting and falling apart. Everyone is getting a full brunt of catalyst, now that the shift is occurring. The polarity of this sphere is like a rubberband, stretched taught - as separated as it can be in the moment, and on the verge of "snapping back". But these conditions here are why we are all incarnating, and unfortunately, a lot of people we know are going to incarnate on other planets to try to finish their cycle. But we also all know a lot of people who are on the cusp, and just one or two minor emotional disasters away from deciding to take the leap into a more open heart. But it's not just catalyst for the unpolarized, it's catalyst for everyone, because it's just dripping from the trees, ripe for the picking.

I truly believe the best thing that I can do, personally, is to be a relatively stable personality that handles her catalyst with an amount of detachment that others can sense and learn from. And, I send them love. You may think that's not enough but, you can feel when someone else's love reaches out and touches you, right? Even through the computer screen? If you can get yourself into a "loving" vibration, what happens is your body responds to that and alters its hormone/pheromone output - you chemically change, send that chemical energy out from you to affect other people. That's why feelings are contagious - we communicate them to each other on many different levels. So, my service is generally trying to communicate the state of being that people desire: calmness, acceptance, eagerness to serve, friendliness, and joy. I'm not perfect but I think that most of my say, coworkers would agree to seeing me as at least 3/5. And like I said, this sets an example of being physically that people can visually see and learn from, and also sends out chemical communications that very few consciously recognize, but still alters them.

One person's service is more than enough, but each one added doubles the previous number. So, I guess that means that those that hold out the longest are technically the most powerful. 

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

I have no clue, Aion...  Backlash or not, I was the one backlashing.  Tired of being alone...  Got beyond mad about it.  My house still holds that energy I supernova'd out into the surrounding space.

May I say, weed made those...Furious states all the worst and intense.

Now.  Now I just don't know.  I.honestly don't want to.even touch Work in Consciousness until I've someone to sit with and journal and discuss the weekly workings with... ... ...eh...no.  That's a lie...even then...I don't want to even try again anymore at all...  I have come over and over to a resolute realization that I have, intrinsically, deeply as a part of myself, an inherent hatred of this place.  Of Catalyst.  Of Confusion and Free Will.

I can't deny I discovered an opposing Love of higher intensity.  But it wasn't lasting.  And even worse, it was very permanent. Forever changing me.  But underneath it all, there has always been...  I guess since 5, a silent emptiness, it used to be the empty feeling in the heart area.  Once it was filled back in 2014, I realized, (albeit without ANY judgment) that I was at my truest nature, as Counselor Troi from Star Trek TNG Episode 6, 'Where No One Has Gone Before' said about the 'Traveler', he was empty, as if he wasn't even there.

Emptiness...  Sadly my persona perspective changes that Emptiness.  Sometimes it is as if Dexter from the Showtime Series.  Sometimes it is as if The Traveler from Star Trek.  Sometimes it is painful, sometimes it is fulfilling...

But overall.  It is impossible to grasp and hold, the criterion for such being an intricate weaving through reality like an energetic needle sewing together realities...Its ridiculous.  I can't humanely perform to my own standards.  Love, 51% in all ways?  Daily...For the rest of my life?  Forgiving people like my cruel neighbor for no reason beyond, for myself?

I, myself, feel more shame forgiving someone who should be held responsible for their actions.

I'm tired of it all...  This Universe.  The ONLY confusion I see comes from the Divine.  Not Humanity.  Not JUST...I...sigh.

I shine, but now sometimes, I choose to let the horror out, show the universe itself.

I liken this place to an abusive boyfriend who loves you but makes you deliberately suffer and purposefully confuses you for your own good according to your own self, unaware that you were conditioned by him to think that in the first place.

I do not believe this is the actuality.  At all...I just...I cant stop seeing it...

Ever since my bestfriend got into his car accident last week...Its been like watching world's fall apart among people who have no room for any more bad to happen.

Its like watching a bully pick on your suicidal bestfriend, and you can't do anything about it to stop it.

Frustrated infuriation doesn't touch remotely the Malice that wells up deep down...

So tired...  better tired than any of that...

Jade.  I'm not much of a friend.  It's not outwardly I speak of with loneliness, its how I do it to myself.  Never getting back to people where I mean to but always forget, then suddenly its 3 frickin weeks later and I'm too ashamed to bother trying once I realize how I blew someone off or let someone become lonely.  Its like I push away periodically.  Because I want to be alone.  A lot.  A reaaal lot.

And the only way I don't want to be alone, is to find one person to be like glue with.  Not a bunch of empty relationships...
I was naturally all 5/5 of those things, effortlessly.  I miss it, for the sake of others, and myself...
I miss all of it.  And I'm too tired to be asked to go through that all, all again.

When the world decides to clean up its unrelenting painful attitude of teaching and hidden-in-plain-sight mannerism, I'll.gladly try again at work in.consciousness...

But thank you...I'll try to keep this all in mind.

But for the time being.  I'm so tired of the suffering.  I just want to sleep.

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

And now that I've slept!

Let me take a more positive approach since I'm not full o' depression.

I have issues, simply put.  I gotta work on myself first.  I think having another will help, truth is it won't.  I need to help myself.

And I do not dare touch Polarity based Work in Consciousness until I've gotten a handle on myself...

Past experience shows, I crumble under the stress of increased catalyst.  I'll deal with it, when I'm ready.  It'll come naturally...I'm always pulled to servicing others, I just need to focus on myself.

[Aion]

Well done, I do hope you see the immense wisdom you have just exercised. To choose responsibility over power is a choice that is not unnoticed by adepts.

[Jade]

Now.  Now I just don't know.  I.honestly don't want to.even touch Work in Consciousness until I've someone to sit with and journal and discuss the weekly workings with... ... ...eh...no.  That's a lie...even then...I don't want to even try again anymore at all...  I have come over and over to a resolute realization that I have, intrinsically, deeply as a part of myself, an inherent hatred of this place.  Of Catalyst.  Of Confusion and Free Will.

Ah, this is precisely why I think studying the chakras and understanding their energy is important, especially as a jumping off point. Hatred of this place is a red-ray blockage - and of course, with the red ray basically off, there is no energy to do work in consciousness. This is why it's advocated to work on the lower triad, FIRST. This is knowing the self, and your triggers. Once you understand those energies, you can move higher, so that you aren't tainting the higher energies with distortions that you don't want and a lack of input from the red-ray.

But really, so truly, it's very important to try to find inspiration to be on this sphere. That's one of the reasons it's good not to focus on all the negative energy - then you lose motivation. You have to remember music, and birds, and dogs, and sunsets, and eating, and all the good things that we get to experience here. Do you have anywhere nearby that you can go on a good hike with some regularity?