Adventure/Huge Life Changes [update]

[AnthroHeart]

I've learned to accept them. It's the shortest path to Creator. And I realize that all is well. I've been in a hurry lately to find Creator.

[Plenum]

I've learned to accept them. It's the shortest path to Creator. And I realize that all is well. I've been in a hurry lately to find Creator.

that's cool. Acceptance is always good.

but is acceptance enough to you think? I mean, once you accept certain fears, do they come back at a later time?

[AnthroHeart]

I'm not sure. I've only been working with fears directly for just a few days. Or as they come up. I have regrets that come up, and I forgive myself for them. Those tend to keep coming up, although they are a lot softer than they used to be. What also does come up are doubts about whether I really want to rejoin Creator like now. I keep wanting to, but I'm still approaching Creator at a slow pace. I notice almost no change in my physiology. Just a bit of warmth.

[Plenum]

cool. thanks for the anwwer Gemini.

and apologies for the slight divertissement MarcRammer.

returning now to the regularly scheduled Wanderer Story.

[Lycen]

I shed light on my fears and discovered their true purpose and now accept and love them as myself. The fear of me losing control to another being was very scary and created fear in my heart. But with an understanding and realization of the Law of One, I need no fear and understand my fears which brings darkness into light.

Grand

A dream I had today - I was a girl in a blue dress wearing a medallion standing on a lightly foggy pear which reached a very long way into the water and was of a great height. Feeling was one of loneliness. Next thing I knew I was falling down the pear, it was not intentional knowingly. I was aware that I am going to die, I did not feel much over that thought. *SPLASH* The great journey was complete I slammed the water, I did not feel pain but I knew I was dead. So I floated there a moment letting what ever comes next come.

I found myself at my grandparents house the atmosphere was one of dread. From the living room hands of many dead were sprouting from the floor. I was by the door to the room and also filled with fear. Something was pushing me towards the hands and I did not want to go. I could have grabbed on to the door stance but I feared to do that as well. As the thought of having no control of myself was even more frightful. In some level I was aware that it was me causing 'me' to move forward towards which I feared. Thus I did what I remembered has returned me back to a place of joy. I started to sing a song which feels loving and kind to me. So I stood there part of me panicking that I was not holding onto something and other singing with conviction. I felt the pull still but I was standing still. After the inspiration waned some, I grabbed onto the doorway as well while still singing.

I find myself in the kitchen which was at the right of me (in the physical as well). I am still singing but I stop when my grandmother ask, "What are you doing?" in a unusual manner. I realize that the dreadful moment is past and I feel peaceful. Upon realizing that she heard my singing (which I did with passion at the time) I felt embarrassed. I had unintentionally totally opened a part of myself for her to see. But whatchya gona do, instead I noticed that she was acting strange for her usual self. I did not recognize her by the way she acted.

That is the last bit I remember from that dream at this time. Felt like sharing it

and apologies for the slight divertissement MarcRammer.

returning now to the regularly scheduled Wanderer Story.

I apologize as well, I feel like I 'disturbed' the flow of this potential talk in the treehouse. By posting my funnies there when you guys had the probability of discussing something similar there. Thus the opportunity presented itself once again here. I know not if its the case but I feel so so I act so.

Love and light

[Marc]

I don't mind the the bit of sidetracking.

Gemini, I'm happy to see the changes you've gone through recently. I feel a new energy from you these days.

Lycen, what did you take away from the dream, or rather, how are going move forward in your life with the message of the dream?

[AnthroHeart]

I don't mind the the bit of sidetracking.

Gemini, I'm happy to see the changes you've gone through revcemtly. I feel a new energy from you these days.

It's interesting how getting energetically closer to Creator, even by baby steps, I have the fear of dying arise. I'm anxious to be harvested, and have little fears of what I may leave behind when I am. I don't have worry about whether I will make harvest or not. I have done my homework as Ra put it, and it requires faith and will to graduate. I am putting my life in Creator's hands, as I want to get closer. I occasionally also ask Ra for help, and also my higher self. I resonate with Ra pretty strongly. But I think for what I desire, Creator can better handle it than even Ra. I'm thrilled to be this close, and getting closer. There are little unconscious fears that come out in parts of my body. I feel fears in different parts. But I accept them, process them, and can move on. Who knows, I could have came directly from Source rather than wandering from 6D.

[Hototo]

Oi Gem. You always remind me of the 9 tail demon-fox from Naruto. That is all. I thought this would be a good time to share that.

[Lycen]

Lycen, what did you take away from the dream, or rather, how are going move forward in your life with the message of the dream?

I venture to guess, like always, one step at a time .)

Oi Gem. You always remind me of the 9 tail demon-fox from Naruto. That is all. I thought this would be a good time to share that.

*cough* KURAMA *cough*

[Marc]

I'm going to be off the grid for a month taking a permaculture design course in Costa Rica. I'm super excited to learn how to live off the grid and discover if that is something I want to do in the tropics or elsewhere. I'll be away from my wife for three week and this is the longest we will haver been apart. So I'll see how that goes. She's gonna meet up with me in Costa Rica after I finish my three-week course and then we'll spend eight days living on the permaculture center. I'm hoping to find out whether or not my wife and I would like to live in a tropical off the grid environment. This trip will really be a great experience. Each day starts with yoga by the open rainforest, organic (veg) breakfast, farm-chores, three hours of lessons, jungle gourmet lunch, more class, more jungle gourmet, evening activities, and ending the day in jungle cabins.

The program includes:

~ 2 week, 72 hour Permaculture Design Course & Certificate**
~ Discussions in: Triple Bottom Line Business, Education Alternatives, Slow Food, Economics in Agriculture, Green Building, Alternative Energies, Community Development, Organic Gardening, Homesteading
~ Daily Yoga, Sea Kayaking, Mud Bathing & Snorkeling
~ 7 Day Field Practical: Apply what you learned during the first two weeks in Water Systems, Garden Projects, Green House Work, Field to the Plate Cooking, Herbal Medicine, Medicine Making, Herbal Body Care, Kitchen Remedies, Fermented Foods, Chocolate Making and more!

So I'm stoked!

[Spaced]

Sounds like fun, have a great time Marc!

[Melissa]

Have a wonderful time Seems like an incredible adventure!

[reeay]

Take picture! Looking fwd to hearing about your experiences p... if you see something like a sloth pls take pictures lol

[zenmaster]

If/when medical attention is necessary, being able to easily get to San Jose would be important.

[Billy]

If/when medical attention is necessary, being able to easily get to San Jose would be important.

Damn you're slick. Wish my wit was as quick as yours

[zenmaster]

If/when medical attention is necessary, being able to easily get to San Jose would be important.

Damn you're slick. Wish my wit was as quick as yours

I take it English is not your primary language?

[kycahi]

Best wishes, Marc. I admire you and also your spouse for tolerating your life choices even as they seem to go against her beliefs. That has to be because you show loving tolerance of her ideas too. Free will made manifest.

[Jade]

I'm going to be off the grid for a month taking a permaculture design course in Costa Rica. I'm super excited to learn how to live off the grid and discover if that is something I want to do in the tropics or elsewhere. I'll be away from my wife for three week and this is the longest we will haver been apart. So I'll see how that goes. She's gonna meet up with me in Costa Rica after I finish my three-week course and then we'll spend eight days living on the permaculture center. I'm hoping to find out whether or not my wife and I would like to live in a tropical off the grid environment. This trip will really be a great experience. Each day starts with yoga by the open rainforest, organic (veg) breakfast, farm-chores, three hours of lessons, jungle gourmet lunch, more class, more jungle gourmet, evening activities, and ending the day in jungle cabins.

The program includes:

~ 2 week, 72 hour Permaculture Design Course & Certificate**
~ Discussions in: Triple Bottom Line Business, Education Alternatives, Slow Food, Economics in Agriculture, Green Building, Alternative Energies, Community Development, Organic Gardening, Homesteading
~ Daily Yoga, Sea Kayaking, Mud Bathing & Snorkeling
~ 7 Day Field Practical: Apply what you learned during the first two weeks in Water Systems, Garden Projects, Green House Work, Field to the Plate Cooking, Herbal Medicine, Medicine Making, Herbal Body Care, Kitchen Remedies, Fermented Foods, Chocolate Making and more!

So I'm stoked!

I read your post aloud to my hubby while he gave me an extreme look of envy and disbelief. I hope you have a great time and when you return tell us all about how it went!!

[Billy]

If/when medical attention is necessary, being able to easily get to San Jose would be important.

Damn you're slick. Wish my wit was as quick as yours

I take it English is not your primary language?

No, it is, I'm just slow. Wish I wasn't, but hey, here we are

[zenmaster]

If/when medical attention is necessary, being able to easily get to San Jose would be important.

Damn you're slick. Wish my wit was as quick as yours

I take it English is not your primary language?

No, it is, I'm just slow. Wish I wasn't, but hey, here we are

Why is speed a factor when you are posting a message, with all the time in the world basically?

[Billy]

If/when medical attention is necessary, being able to easily get to San Jose would be important.

Damn you're slick. Wish my wit was as quick as yours

I take it English is not your primary language?

No, it is, I'm just slow. Wish I wasn't, but hey, here we are

Why is speed a factor when you are posting a message, with all the time in the world basically?

I'm slow in mind. I'm what some might call stupid. My mother dropped me on my head when I was younger, just kidding.

[Marc]

Bring4th:
*warning this is a very long post, you may wanna get comfy for this one and some dreams are R-rated ;D*


So my life has massively changed and found a certain direction.

Let me start with my trip to Costa Rica.

My plane was delayed a day and a half late. On the first plane I lost my wedding band (which I later found in my backpack, synchronicity?). On the overnight plane rides I got absolutely no sleep and landed in CR at about 7am. I then couldn't find my luggage and thought it was lost, but after an hour of looking I finally found it. I then got to my bus station and saw I missed the bus by a few minutes and the next bus wouldn't leave for 2 hrs. While I was waiting a friendly American talked with me and tried to give me weed and I politely refused, and then he snuck in my bag. He then told me me I had it and proceeded to tell me he was an undercover cop and busted me for possession. He showed me some sort of ID (which was in Spanish). He then said he'd either take me to jail now or I could pay a fine to him and he'd let me go with a warning. I was super shaken up and with no sleep I was not really thinking very clearly and paid him about $100 and said it was all I had on me. He finally left me and I realized I most likely had gotten scammed.

I then got on the bus and the bus driver was so very slow and what normally was a 4.5hr trip became a 6.5hr trip. I did however get a seat next to a Tico (Costa Rican native) that spoke English. We started talk and it ended up that he was a yoga teacher and pretty spiritually aware. We had amazing deep conversation for about 3hrs. It was really what I needed-- a break and fellowship.

During this whole adventure I kept my calm, remained pretty optimistic and kept myself very grounded with faith that "all is well." I also realized if my wife was with me I would've had to try to stop her from being super pissed about everything and I would not have been very happy at all. This was my first time being away from my wife for a long period of time and I was so happy and relieved. [uh oh!!]

After spending the night in a town and then hurrying to catch the 7am boat ride to the farm, I then realized that Tico time works quite a bit different than American time. I waited for 8hrs and the boat driver kept saying "I'm waiting on some people and/or luggage to take with me." He finally took is over to the farm and when I got there I was so happy an relieved to have finally made it.

---

The farm is in the middle of the jungle and we learned about all that stuff I posted beforehand. What really hit me, was really seeing connection between everything and not just reading about it but seeing it. I harvested bananas and then a few days cut them up and put them in a fruit salad. I no longer just saw a wall of green when I looked at the forest and plants but I got to see their functions an the niches they fulfilled. I started having plants from the farm show up in my dreams after a few days. The food was great and it was amazing to be able see the tree I was eating from and know the story our food-- like the story of the papaya tree that broke over in a storm and left an abundance of papaya we needed to eat before it went bad.

The people were amazing there. It was the first time I was around so many like minded people, yet each one was very different and individual with their beliefs and spiritual practice. I made so many deep connections with the people there and made a point to connect on a deep level to almost every person there (about 35-40 people). I also realized that I don't care for yoga, except for kundalini yoga, instead of yoga for my spiritual practice, I would write a song on my guitar every morning.

There was such a feeling of freedom there. The second day I was there they had a mudbathing session where everyone gets naked and covers themselves with mud and jumps in the ocean to rinse it off once it dries. I really wanted to go, but my wife had explicitly told me not let anyone see me naked while I was there, so I stayed back while they went out and pondered why I felt so suppressed and hurt inside.

Also I realized I was so much happier here by myself than with her and if she were here she would be a huge buzzkill. I didn't miss her one bit. During this time I was made very aware of our differences and that we both wanted very different things in life. I also realized how much I was being drained by being with her. It's not that she's a terrible person, it's just so draining to be constantly trying to bridge a chasm between us that keeps getting wider each day.

During this time I had a very active dream life and kept records of it. Here's a dream that told of how I was holding on to us with hope and not willing to let go:

I was in an airport trying to catch my plane. I had a long layover and when and bought things at target including a MacBook (which I didn't need). The lady said if I wanted to take it back I'd better do it before 5pm or else it would be too busy to return. I left and went to a gas station to get money back and the guy there did some loophole around the system and gave me $20-40. I went back to the terminal and barely made it onto a train that took me to my plane. There was a plank leading up to the entrance of the plane and it was very unstable. After many tries I made it into the plane. The plane was super small and while in the air it fell apart and I had to grab onto a parachute. To make it down. This whole time I was filled with hope that all was ok.

I am with other people (supposedly my family) and we had the corpse of our father in this tube of water like substance. I have the sense that this is me who died from the plane crash. He wanted us to save him in that in case we could bring him back or something. We all talked about whether we would want that when we died. I said I didn't.


I see this dream showing me that I was holding on to my marriage at the cost of my life and I still didn't know how to let it 'die.'

Also I had these dreams:
I was going into a seaworld place and had a camera with me and supplies for the orca whales. I ended up in a room with a giant pool and in the pool tilly was there. There was a safety net over the pool and I went in and then someone else came in. It was an awesome experience. The net was pulled away from the top and I had a bad feeling. I started getting out very quickly and then tilly grabbed the girl and took her under. I freaked out and she almost died and there were huge teeth marks on her back that correlated with an elephant's teeth.

In this dream I see myself helping Megan (the whale) but also having trouble with my own boundaries for my well being. While helping her my anima (female side) is almost destroyed by her.

Another good one:

I was in my front yard and found a hammock that Andrew Z. (Great initiating friend for me to connect with society) had left there. I was with a female figure in my life. Then as I went by the garden three small beings came out of the garden and greeted me. I exchanged energy with them and after talking they left me and left a tiny fairy behind that stayed to watch over me.

I was by the garden and saw a doll in the bed and picked it up. It was filled with silver and quite heavy. My step-dad told me to put it down because it was toxic or cursed and as I did so some gnomes came and met me. They were fierce looking and armed with swords. They asked me if I had found the doll and I denied that I did for fear of what they might do. One guy slammed me against the pine tree and would've cut me open save for the strange intervention of the leader. I felt the energy of the fairy protecting me. He told him to stop. I showed him a scar on my chest that he had given me long ago and he backed away. We sat down on the edge of the garden to work things out.


In the this dream I see the hobbits at the beginning as my permaculture group. The fairy was a lomi lomi body worker that really helped me be free from cares and release ties to the past through a lomi lomi session I had with her after the dream. I'll get back to her later. The silver doll is my marriage and I must let go of it and my step-dad is my shadow helping me through this process with wisdom. The gnomes attacking me represents the conflict arising when I dispose of the marriage and my wife and others want it back. The power of the fairy comes through and stops the attacker from killing me, showing how my anima is protecting me. The old scar symbolizes that I've already been through this before in a previous relationship. The working it out afterwards is the aftermath of the relationship.

---

Now the funny things about dreams is how they give away the future. When I had these dreams I knew unconsciously what had to be done, but it took a whole lot of conscious work over the next week and a half within myself to integrate and understand the message of the dreams.

During this time the Lomi Lomi healer came to our farm. When I saw her I had this sense that I knew her, most likely a past life thing. I immediately was drawn to her and in her conversation I knew she embodied my anima more than anyone I had ever met. She also took over the anima figures in my dreams.

I scheduled a session with her and in that session I really got to connect with her and tell her about what I was going through and shared the above dreams, except the fairy one. But when we were talking before the actual massage I saw in her eyes that she was the fairy in my dreams. After sharing the session started and after it I felt such a release from all the bondage of my past and an initiation into this new chapter of my life. The next day I had to tell her about my fairy dream and the gnomes, and she broke out in laughter! During the whole session she told me she kept seeing these gnomes all over me and kept pulling them off! She didn't understand it but after I told her it put some pieces together.

---

She soon left and a large portion of the group left with her as the two-week course was now complete and only those who were staying for an extra week of practical training stayed behind. Also this was the first time I was exposed to pot in any real sense. I basically grew up a virgin from everything in my Christian upbringing.

So most everyone had left and we had a day off. I felt the desire to connect with a cool guy that lived there and so I offered to help him plant around his place and set it up. While it was just us there I got to share what I was going through while hearing his similar situation with his husband. He then rolled a joint and asked if I smoked. I replied, "not yet, but I'd like to someday." I then explained that my wife didn't approve of drugs and even though I don't see anything wrong with them she would be mad if she found out.

After that encounter I then proceeded to talk it out with him and he was like "you can't get any further away from her to do as you please than here." To which I definitely agreed. I also realized that if I was to get high for the first time, what better way to do it than to be in the jungle with a good friend. So as the next joint was made a few hours later I took part.

I didn't feel very much at all, I just felt nature become a bit more interesting. Then when another was made the next day, I took a lot and it hit me super hard. I could barely stand and went and laid down in the open air cabin. I could hear the rhythms of nature like never before. As I laid on my back every little movement I made effected the symphony of sounds. If I moved my finger on bird would sing a little different and when I was still it fell back into rhythm. I felt the connection to everything in the forest. It was like I not only knew I was connected, I could feel the energy from everything and its connection to each other and myself. My vision is not super good but all of a sudden I see so clearly things I would never be able to see before. Colors became brighter. I also saw all of the trees talking to each other. I had transplanted five little papaya trees and was told they didn't like to be moved, and now I could see and feel how pissed they were at me for moving them. (I had to spend the next week calming them down with much water and love.) I understood things like never before.

After that experience I'll never see the world the same again. I got high two more times and each with its own experiences, but it made my dreams go away and also my motor functions were impaired. With what I was going through with Megan I realized its best if I leave pot alone for a whole so I can process without distraction and be able to listen to my dream guidance. I also developed an ache in my stomach at the smell of weed, which I took as a sign to not partake in it for the time being.

---

I then came to a place in myself where I didn't want to leave. I loved what I was doing and felt like I was home. I never felt at home in Seattle. I loved the jungle. At this point I wrote an email to my wife explaining my feeling and concerns about our future the issues were: I was being drained with her, I feel like I want to be one thing but being married is keeping me from that, we got married very fast (it was the only option as a Christian couple wanting to be together), I don't believe in making promises because it takes me out of the present moment, aka I don't believe in marriage like you do, I'm not the same Christian 19yr old boy you married, I can't be open with you without hurting you and/or being constantly misunderstood, I don't miss you, I love it here and want to stay.

Now after sending that email to her she was devastated and got really mad at first and eventually started trying to make compromises with me. She was coming to CR in a few days to honeymoon with me there and I hit her with that. After a long talk on the phone we make compromises and kinda put a bandaid on a bullet wound. She makes it to CR and after super long discussions try to make us work. I was so tired of talking and so emotionally drained I could barely stand it.

She couldn't handle the jungle at all. The bugs got to her and she was just having the worst time there. I felt pretty bad for her because she really was trying. During this time I realized after talking with many people that I really want to become a certified therapist and to do that I need to go to college. I decided to go to evergreen state college in Olympia, WA (Olympia is also the name of my HS sweetheart). I want to live permaculture and do psychological/spiritual healing.

She still didn't have much of a vision and would tell me "maybe I should just have a baby, that would give me purpose and meaning in life." As she started to tell her dreams they were nowhere near mine and my dreams were hindering hers.

We had to get her out of the jungle now and went back home together with some sort of plan.

---

When we got home I couldn't wait for her to leave to go to work. I then soon talked with my therapist and in doing so, I really got to pull back and look at the big picture. I saw how happy I was without my wife and knew that to live the rest of my life with her would require me to suppress so much of myself. I also realized that as a philosopher by nature, I am constantly questioning everything. I have had to keep my mouth shut with her to avoid tearing her faith to shreds. And even then I still can't shut it all the way. I remember nights where I would after having a discussion with her feel horrendous at the damage I had just done to her faith, by simply sharing my faith. She doesn't like to question things and couldn't care less about seeking truth. My being with her is not helping respect her free will to remain ignorant.

I felt we communicated quite well and while comprehending each other's views, we downright disagreed. Our foundation for getting married was a Christian paradigm and once I walked away from that, the time was just ticking until there would be no foundation for our relationship. The was no common denominator.

I also explore this dream I had:

I'm in an apartment/hotel complex and I'm trying to sleep. There are huge dogs moving around and I let one sleep in the shower so he isn't seen. I eventually take a shower and wear a shirt and tie.

(This part I see as me hiding away animal instincts of myself so that I can maintain my persona in my marriage and life. Also could show my recent change in heart about staying in the jungle and suppressing those animal desires.)

My stepdad puts in a 4.5 part movie series (more like a hologram entertainment system) it opens up with a huge lion coming out of a ancient basement floor and looking at me head on and standing up. Its face changed into something dæmonic and burnt. It made a very dark monologue and started the movie. I was very scared but held my ground and let it speak to me. In the movie he was a powerful warlord and had a woman on the horse with him that he fondled her breasts and when he did so I got hard and immediately ejaculated in my pants without masturbation. I felt embarrassed when my wife asked me about it.

(The lion represents massive strength and then points to the devil archetype. I was able to look past good and bad and see it for what it was. My shadow is what brought me face to face with this archetypal influence. His raw sexuality combined with freedom symbolized by being mounted on a horse triggered a release of built up sexual energy. The burnt part of him shows that some things need to go through fire to become strong. The accent out of the dark underground shows the bringing of awareness to this energy from unconsciousness to consciousness. It being and ancient ruin-like building could show the connection to a more primitive collective image or as Freud puts it, "archaic vestiges". Also I don't have a very good open relationship with my anima/wife as depicted by my being ashamed of my involuntary ejaculation.)


My step dad then started teaching me about women's anatomy and sex and then many many other things. Some was building related and maintenance but the overall theme was practical and rich philosophy, which I was astounded to hear.

(My step dad represents my shadow and my acceptance of it and willingness to learn from it. An initiation in sexuality.)

I decided to apprentice under him and our first day we went out behind Hammond baptist school. He asked for papers from last night that he wrote specs on and I rummaged through them to get them and he asked why I had all the papers he scribbled on. I put the non-work-related papers crumpled into my other pocket kinda embarrassed. A female old friend was working with me and then my sister came along and taught me a lesson on note taking and other profound tips on how to learn.

At the end of the day I am outside of an auto parts store and a super hot movie star is in front of me. She opens up her top and I see her voluptuous breasts and then I'm told to exercise focus. She needs prayer for her younger relative and I'm to lay hands on her for prayer. I pray silently for her a and finish the prayer rubbing my head on her breasts which she didn't seem to mind.

I'm swimming in the sea and I have someone's knife for protection underwater. I get out of the water and a huge black polar bear tries to attack me. I ask my brother for a gun and he throws me a .45 hand gun. I shoot the bear in the head/neck area and soon there are more angry bears in the water. They leave eventually.

(The black polar bear represents my African American wife and my brother is my shadow enabling me to move on from her.)

Eventually I was swimming in the oceans at great speed.

(Freedom afterwards)

---

I'm in a room at a royal table and I am the prince to be king. The younger brother tries to kill the king and I and I begin to defend against him. I get the family to safety in a large tree. The king keeps talking and the brother finds us because I can't get the king to shut up. Another brother is targeted by bow and is barely able to jump away in the muddy trenches. I catch the brother with my own bow.

There is a hunting show supposed to be held in the highest room of a building overlooking a meadow and forest. I go up to it and feel like it is wrong to the animals to have this show. In the room I hear a vibration--a hum. I then mimic it with my own voice with an ohm. It was powerful. The resonance was insane. I was in the center of the room on a stand of sorts spinning around while chanting. Others came in and joined and I started the chant ohm nam padi namo guto namo (or the kundalini chant Kevin taught). Christians started to make a fuss so I left.

As I went down the stairs a man asked me to come to a meeting and I said sure. He was a shady man and I had no intention of going to the meeting. I left him quickly and was approached by a cohort of his about to force me to this meeting. I started to run. I could run fast and jump up the sides of buildings but so could he. After a long chase I end up underground in a tunnel system running in a circle. I become more lucid and calm myself and make myself run faster. I'm running faster than sound now and still being followed close behind.

My higher self then gives me a plan. Accelerate until I catch up to myself running and when I catch up to myself I'll be free. I follow the plan and I'm brought into a whole different world/dimension/realm.

My higher self brings me out and I meet my group of people. There are two ladies and one I try to kiss when I greet her and she tells me that we no longer have that type of relationship anymore. I have no memory of anything previously, though.

We leave and run super fast to a highway to help some people. We help some people that would've been killed by an accident but couldn't save one younger black lady. We buried her. The police thank us for the service and we leave. I thank my higher self and said he was me from the future which he didn't really agree but allowed me to say it.

I'm at an electronics store and an old boss tells me my wife bought an iPod nano while I was gone. I realized I had left her and we were separated now and that jarred me to actually waking up finding her next to me in bed.

(Brief overview of the recent chapters of my life: awakening, moving out from Christian influences, them spurring me to find myself, that producing massive metamorphosis, going on to my destiny. My wife is the younger African American woman I couldn't save. She must be buried.)

So I talk with my sister in CA and she urged me to leave the situation and come and stay with and her husband for a bit to get clarity. So I decided I should leave and started packing my bags. As I was about to go down the stairs she is just about to open the door downstairs. I freak out and run to the back door to leave but she hears me and goes to the car. Waiting for me. I was cold and emotionless. I was very calm and knew it needed to be done. I had a quick talk with her explaining that it was over and I'm leaving and then I left.

During this time I felt my shadow giving me the strength to pull the trigger of the gun and end it. I really got to embody the destroyer along with the creator inside of me. I hadn't allowed my shadow reign before, but suppressed it and never faced it head on. Now I saw how both polarities are necessary and I can't just be one of the other. I needed the power of the shadow to help me make a decision that would've been hard to make with "nice guy and understanding" self. The line that stuck in my head was, "sometimes you need the devil to do god's dirty work."

I then called my mom when I left and got her support. I called an older therapist female friend of mine and left a message. My mom the next day called and left a message saying she didn't support me in my actions. She is diagnosed with an extreme bipolar mental issue, so that shouldn't be a shock. I also talk with my very spiritually aware therapist friend and she supports me and helps me quite a bit while I'm on the road.

Two days after I leave I make to my sisters town and as I'm pulling up she tells me "I can't have you stay in my house in your condition, you need to get mental help from someone that is not me." I was pretty devastated at hearing that the one who urged me to leave is now the one refusing me and taking away her support.

I find out she had talked to my wife and my mom and they both think I'm insane and possessed by the devil. My sister just didn't want a part of the drama as she has too much to deal with as a new mother. So I started driving away with no place to stay. I decided to go back to WA but take the 101 and enjoy the scenery and take my time and try to couch surf my way along.

I tried calling my mother to explain myself and she wouldn't listen to me and kept saying I need to see a psychiatrist. I told her I have been seeing licensed mental health counsellors for over a year now and then she proceeded to tell me that all that psychotherapy was just another cult religion I was following. I had to hang up and later received a voicemail from my stepdad trying to cast devils out of me.

After stepping back and talking with my therapist friend I was able to get the clarity I needed to move forward. I saw that the reactions from my parents was a triggered complex within themselves that they were projecting onto me. They aren't able to reconcile their shadow but must hide it away without confronting it head on and learning to integrate. I don't want the 'devils' cast out of me, I want to integrate that part of me into the wholeness within myself. Just like I don't want pills to 'fix' me, I want to work through it consciously. The idea that I was mentally unstable was a projection of the others' deep seated fear of insanity that they hold in themselves.

By this time my wife saw just how much I had been draining her and smothering her. It also became more apparent to me that it was for both of our good that we separate. We had a good text conversation that showed she was moving into acceptance and understanding that even though it hurt it was for the best.

I now came back to work out details and the financial situation with us and I am very excited for this next season in life. I now am doing things and experiencing life like I never thought I could before. I am kinda homeless at the moment but everything is working itself out one day at a time as I couch surf for now. I can sleep at my old apartment but being around her is too weird for both of us. I worked out that for her own benefit for the closure process that we would get a legal separation and next year get a divorce. She still goes back and wants to try to make it work again, but I know the end of chapter when I see one.

So all in all my trips were life changing. While they have been extremely challenging for me I am very excited for the future for the first time in a long time.

[spero]

Hi Marc.
Thanks for the update. Im not sure of the etiquette of liking a post where u reveal u have seperated from your wife and are homeless. I think youve gone about the situation in a very mature manner. It seems a real shame to me that marriage was the only avenue available for you two to pursue a healthy committed sexual relationship. It complicates what would otherwise be a normal growing or drifting apart with legal, financial, societal and religious baggage. I think for some time youve expressed your frustration with the growing divide between your wifes beleifs and your own on these forums. Obviously very few would outright suggest seperation but we ourselves know where it is we see our relationships heading and we just need to orchestrate the right sequence of events in order to see that we do right by the people involved. its difficult to make life changes without rocking the boat a little first and i imagine thats what your holiday in part achieved. U were willing to make changes before the trip u just needed the right leverage to justify your actions. I did something similar when I came out so I may be projecting. Forgive me if I am. I think you're young (happy bday btw) and u have your whole life ahead of you to make it exactly what you want of it. Stay positive and i wish u all the best in this new chapter of your life.

[isis]

thanks for sharing Marc. that was very fun to read. especially this part:

"Then when another was made the next day, I took a lot and it hit me super hard. I could barely stand and went and laid down in the open air cabin. I could hear the rhythms of nature like never before. As I laid on my back every little movement I made effected the symphony of sounds. If I moved my finger on bird would sing a little different and when I was still it fell back into rhythm. I felt the connection to everything in the forest. It was like I not only knew I was connected, I could feel the energy from everything and its connection to each other and myself. My vision is not super good but all of a sudden I see so clearly things I would never be able to see before. Colors became brighter. I also saw all of the trees talking to each other."

---

"He then told me me I had it and proceeded to tell me he was an undercover cop and busted me for possession. He showed me some sort of ID (which was in Spanish). He then said he'd either take me to jail now or I could pay a fine to him and he'd let me go with a warning. I was super shaken up and with no sleep I was not really thinking very clearly and paid him about $100 and said it was all I had on me. He finally left me and I realized I most likely had gotten scammed."

probably for the best u weren't thinking clearly & gave the $...sounds like your trip came close to ending right after beginning

[Melissa]

Your story reminds me a lot of all the reasons I'd decided to break up with my partner. Also went through a 'homeless' period for about two years, so I can relate to how you feel at the moment. I wish you well on your continuing journey and thanks for sharing.

[Plenum]

I now came back to work out details and the financial situation with us and I am very excited for this next season in life. I now am doing things and experiencing life like I never thought I could before. I am kinda homeless at the moment but everything is working itself out one day at a time as I couch surf for now. I can sleep at my old apartment but being around her is too weird for both of us. I worked out that for her own benefit for the closure process that we would get a legal separation and next year get a divorce. She still goes back and wants to try to make it work again, but I know the end of chapter when I see one.

wow Marc! you're not kidding about some big life changes mate!

that's the value of experience; it really anchors who we are, rather than just living out the ideas/ideals in our heads.

good stuff mate; and great courage for taking that huge step out into the unknown.

:tu:

[xise]

Awesome man. You saw through things, saw what you thought was best and saw what you wanted, and you had the courage to start the process.

Change is always a bit painful at first and a bit of jumping into the unknown on faith but your story exemplifies this (insert appropriate tarot card here ).

Much love and luck, brother! I'm very happy for you!

[Marc]

Yesterday was my birthday and for it I received 4 new like minded friends (which kinda a first these days), an apartment, and it just so happened that one of my new friends had the same birthday as me and so we all went out to eat and shared a birthday party. I had no idea how my birthday would turn out with all this going on in my life, but I was so blessed with such a wonderful birthday in Olympia. I feel so blessed.

[Melissa]

That's wonderful news Marc, congratulations!

[Unbound]

Awesome, man! Hope to see you in the near future.