I'm done with drugs and alcohol

[Cyan]

I believe I have something similar to a love/hate relationship with weed. Much like I have one with life. I suppose, that it is not the weed itself but my bad choices. However, it may sound strange but i feel that the option to smoke weed when I want is more important than actually smoking weed. For some of us hard shelled people the idea of "If i smoke this my higher self will take over and autopilot me through the day" is wonderful.

It feels like a box of surrender on a shelf. For me, I feel i had been in so much pain for so long I no longer had any idea who I actually was and noticed that after smoking for 2-3 months I got these random feelings of deep sadness and a moment of "I miss the souls of the people I used to know, i dont see them anymore" and only realised i hadnt seen them for years and years and years. Weed made the constant pain i have in my soul subside for long enough to actually be able to admit that I am in pain and that I do actually like and love people. Those used to last for maybe 3-7 seconds before i felt this dark wave of my "usual self" assume control again and i fall back into a state of "no feeling" literally. I do feel the buzz and the high that is associated with it but it feels more like a burning orgasm like feeling in the heart with no actual substance.

I wouldnt say that weed makes me feel good, but i would say it makes me feel so that I can actually see that I DONT feel good, and that there is a "vibration" out there/out here that does feel good. Just knowing that was, with enough time and weed able to show me that yes, while i might not be anywhere near ready for what i would term "love" right now, weed made it possible for me to know that such a thing is possible to have / be in.

That caused great changes in my life. I Feel like I have in a way slowly slid to the world of the dead but during my lifetime without actually ever dying and weed shows me that there is a another mode of thinking which is the "world of the living" which i thought i long lost.

I would say, also, that having an IQ of 145 and interatcing in normal society feels painful because it makes me believe separation is the norm. WHen i'm baked enough my social skills more closely match my peers and not all conversations are outergalactic.

I dont know if it a good thing, i suppose someone will, rightfully so, say that I Should just meditate and sit and ponder my own mistakes and so forth and learn from them. But my answer is that it is difficult to learn when every moment of your day feels like your on fire. Weed helps with that.

I would say that weed is sort of like the guide that Dante had, if that makes sense.

Best regards.