04-16-2012, 11:44 AM
Welcome. You will find a great community here, much intelligence, and many diverse points of view. 
My childhood was very similar, so I have some suggestions.
Firstly, it would benefit you (in my opinion) to leave your parent's home and live on your own. You need to discover who you are outside of the dysfunctional family, with whom you are enmeshed. No judgment here, I just know a lot about these situations. In a dysfunctional family, everyone takes on roles to cope. Until you are in a situation to find out who you are without having to cope directly with the family dynamic, it will be difficult to really know yourself.
Secondly, the pain you felt as a child cannot be reconciled from the point of view of your adult self; no matter how well your adult self forgives, your child self does not understand. My situation was so like yours, with a zombied mother who could not provide nurturing. I don't think blaming does anything for anybody, but your inner child, who still holds the pain, has to be validated and resolved, in order for you be clear of it. Someone--you--can access your inner child and give yourself the love you didn't get.
These are my suggestions only. If I am off the mark, and only you will know this, then disregard. If you want to know more, read John Bradshaw's books on the inner child.
My childhood was very similar, so I have some suggestions.
Firstly, it would benefit you (in my opinion) to leave your parent's home and live on your own. You need to discover who you are outside of the dysfunctional family, with whom you are enmeshed. No judgment here, I just know a lot about these situations. In a dysfunctional family, everyone takes on roles to cope. Until you are in a situation to find out who you are without having to cope directly with the family dynamic, it will be difficult to really know yourself.
Secondly, the pain you felt as a child cannot be reconciled from the point of view of your adult self; no matter how well your adult self forgives, your child self does not understand. My situation was so like yours, with a zombied mother who could not provide nurturing. I don't think blaming does anything for anybody, but your inner child, who still holds the pain, has to be validated and resolved, in order for you be clear of it. Someone--you--can access your inner child and give yourself the love you didn't get.
These are my suggestions only. If I am off the mark, and only you will know this, then disregard. If you want to know more, read John Bradshaw's books on the inner child.
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