things just keep on happening...

[Questioner]

maybe ill just jump off somewhere to really know what i am or what i am not

How would that help your family feel loved, cared for and safe?
If you seriously consider suicide, and you also have any desire to care for your family, you need to immediately seek help from suicide prevention hotlines, community counseling centers, or whoever else can help you.

The fear, anxiety, doubt, wondering if they were to blame that you would leave behind would cost far more than any potential insurance payout would ever be worth.

I'm sad that, like many of us, you are also finding financial matters to be very difficult. We are living in a world where economic situations have been manipulated by a small number of evil, perverse, sadistic, controlling people for many years, to serve themselves while impoverishing and hurting countless others. Good people such as Peregrinus and myself get screwed over by abusers and restart from next to nothing.

Some mysteries of why good people hurt seem to remain mysteries in this life. We have some spiritual sources that tell us that at some level, we chose to accept these difficulties as an extremely super-intense opportunity for challenging growth. And we have some spiritual sources that tell us that there are destructive forces that try to tear down whoever they can take advantage of.

We need to have some kind of faith that the things we can't understand might have some ultimate resolution, so that we can go forward with the things we can understand in this life.

The question is where to go from here.

While it is somewhat helpful to know that your situation is not only your fault for making poor choices, the question now is what to do next. You have practical matters of basic shelter, clothing, food, transportation and so on to deal with for yourself and your family.

May I suggest that you put a time limit on your spiritual quest activities, such as an hour a day, until you have done all you can to make your immediate physical and financial situation as secure as you can. As you know the root chakra is about the stability of your physical existence, and if that is not well established, head in the clouds visions are unlikely to help you put food on the table.

I'm not clear on which of the band members you are, but both member profiles list drinking as some kind of badge of honor. These times will be easier to get through sober.

I hope that talking things over here is helpful for you. I'm not in a position to help with money but I am one of several people who can support your desire for love, light and peace in the moments you deal with these days.