11-24-2009, 01:16 PM
Hello Peregrinus
Very interesting things you have shared here. I can relate to the idea of 'unfeeling' at times. Most often, its at a funeral that I feel something is wrong with me. Everyone around me crying...and there I sit, quite, still, just there. Like you said in a post, I just knew it was a part of the cycle.
I on the other hand am not always like this. If its a 'big' moment, most likely my feelings suppress and I am the rock holding others together and letting them know its ok. I would wonder though as a child...why do I seem so hard hearted?
Having children helped me with 'feeling'. But still...its like pulling teeth sometimes for me to do this. I remember my daughter loosing her dog (it was her first dog and she loved 'fancy' so much). When I had to sit down and tell her, I knew to expect her to burst loose with tears. She went nuts...pacing, crying, not understanding...how can something of life just be gone like that? I comforted her...but I wasnt feeling for her. For me, I just had to help her deal with it and make it through it. Then...she looked at me....and said in a loud distraught voice "Why arent you crying! Why am I crying by myself?" I thought....oh my goodness...this child 'needs' to see my hurt to KNOW I am hurting. I felt so aweful for not joining my other self, my child, in her pain. As she stared at me with hurt, my eyes became full of tears for her. She just felt that she was alone in her pain...and for me to show her she wasnt, I needed to 'feel' for her.
Over the years, I have became more emotional when it comes to my chidlren. They are somewhat of a reason that I cant accept moving on....unless I know they are going with me. I know this is my emotions, though I wouldnt know what emotion to label it as.
A GOOD CRY LAST NIGHT**
I was thrown way off guard last night...mabey it is from the excitement of joy I have let build up in me from finding this site. I was watching a new show (which is soo rare, hardly ever do I watch tv)...it was a show about uniting families. A mother had given up her daughter being that she was so young when getting pregnant...and the show built up on the emotional loss this family has had all of these years. Anyways...when they finally got to meet up....I had lost control of my emotions and was crying. It bothered me, and at the same moment....made me laugh! I was like, what is going on here! Either way....I think I needed that release. It is probably the first time I have cried literally sense the death of my daughters dog.
I fear funerals so much. Cause I dont want to look like the person that isnt really missing this person. I do care...I do love. The crying part is just not for me much. Its like I cant do it even when I try sometimes (with a few exceptions).
Sometimes I think the hard hearted people are here to help when it gets really hard. To give courage, to keep moving forward. Many have trouble fostering hope. I think the hard hearted ones will help others foster this is the times needed the most.
Thanks for sharing
Very interesting things you have shared here. I can relate to the idea of 'unfeeling' at times. Most often, its at a funeral that I feel something is wrong with me. Everyone around me crying...and there I sit, quite, still, just there. Like you said in a post, I just knew it was a part of the cycle.
I on the other hand am not always like this. If its a 'big' moment, most likely my feelings suppress and I am the rock holding others together and letting them know its ok. I would wonder though as a child...why do I seem so hard hearted?
Having children helped me with 'feeling'. But still...its like pulling teeth sometimes for me to do this. I remember my daughter loosing her dog (it was her first dog and she loved 'fancy' so much). When I had to sit down and tell her, I knew to expect her to burst loose with tears. She went nuts...pacing, crying, not understanding...how can something of life just be gone like that? I comforted her...but I wasnt feeling for her. For me, I just had to help her deal with it and make it through it. Then...she looked at me....and said in a loud distraught voice "Why arent you crying! Why am I crying by myself?" I thought....oh my goodness...this child 'needs' to see my hurt to KNOW I am hurting. I felt so aweful for not joining my other self, my child, in her pain. As she stared at me with hurt, my eyes became full of tears for her. She just felt that she was alone in her pain...and for me to show her she wasnt, I needed to 'feel' for her.
Over the years, I have became more emotional when it comes to my chidlren. They are somewhat of a reason that I cant accept moving on....unless I know they are going with me. I know this is my emotions, though I wouldnt know what emotion to label it as.
A GOOD CRY LAST NIGHT**
I was thrown way off guard last night...mabey it is from the excitement of joy I have let build up in me from finding this site. I was watching a new show (which is soo rare, hardly ever do I watch tv)...it was a show about uniting families. A mother had given up her daughter being that she was so young when getting pregnant...and the show built up on the emotional loss this family has had all of these years. Anyways...when they finally got to meet up....I had lost control of my emotions and was crying. It bothered me, and at the same moment....made me laugh! I was like, what is going on here! Either way....I think I needed that release. It is probably the first time I have cried literally sense the death of my daughters dog.
I fear funerals so much. Cause I dont want to look like the person that isnt really missing this person. I do care...I do love. The crying part is just not for me much. Its like I cant do it even when I try sometimes (with a few exceptions).
Sometimes I think the hard hearted people are here to help when it gets really hard. To give courage, to keep moving forward. Many have trouble fostering hope. I think the hard hearted ones will help others foster this is the times needed the most.
Thanks for sharing