08-16-2009, 03:43 PM
Hi IndigoMama and welcome.
It sounds like your daughter suffers from agoraphobia. It's a fear of going outside the safe secure environment and what basically happens in fear is that we develop strategies to avoid the fear. If we are successful in avoiding the fear we will strengthen the strategy and the idea of breaking the strategy causes the fear in turn. Also fear of fear is often a complicating factor. The result of this is that we keep making our worlds smaller because we avoid ever more parts of it in an attempt to avoid fears.
The obvious cure is to invert the behavior, keep making the world bigger by experimenting with adding new behaviors to it.
There's nothing you can do. But everything she can do. And you can be assisting in this. What I mean to say is that you cannot treat her, she can only treat herself on her own choice if she refuses you can't make her, and forcing it likely makes it worse. Gentle encouragement accomplishes more on the long run.
What a psychologist would do is explore what goes on in the head. Get a little familiar with the particular thoughts that cause trouble for this person. And then gently create the fearful situations. Going from easiest to hardest. Not taking the next step before the client has belief in being able to do it. Not to conquer them in one go but to systematically desensitize the person to the fear provoking stimulus. All the while avoiding the panic attacks and giving them the feeling of control. The client decides. Shrinks encourage, but the client decides. At least that'd be my choice.
The good news is that this is usually a phase. And more than with most difficulties her personal choice is a very important factor in the outcome. It's a process of baby steps. But with every step the feeling of being in control becomes more obvious and believable.
For advice I would suggest that in this particular situation it might be more important to be a coach than a parent. When a parent could say "You'll do this young lady" a coach would say "Lets agree on a goal and work at it together." For her it's important to want to deal with it, to get the idea that she can deal with this. That she gets the space and time to deal with it and finally that she feels she has control over how to deal with it. This will turn the strategy of avoiding troublesome situations into a strategy designed to conquer the situations in the long run and with a little common sense and a lot of "jokes about the self" and with baby steps you can really get somewhere. Most people consider it a good time looking back even if it seemed stressful in advance.
For example if you're at a diner, maybe you could let her do the order, let her negotiate every aspect of the situation so it becomes easier for her. If she already has trouble going to a diner, just see if she can control the variables in a way so that she feels it'll be possible.
Speak out the goals and intentions and really stick to them for example if letting her order comes up, say it way in advance that its an idea let her know she has control and say that you plan to ask her if she wants to do it and that a yes or no then is final. Then follow that protocol it will make it predictable and thus less scary for her. It's ok to say no because there will be a next chance.
You get what I meant when I said: "There's nothing you can do. But everything she can do." ? If she's not in control how can she learn to feel in control?
Theres this blog by a bloke, a "code monkey" who is extremely introverted. The situation is not exactly the same because he is a bit older and he's introverted, not phobic, but because he is so analytical he describes his emotions and fears well and honestly. It offers a beautiful insight into social fears and a great attitude in how to deal with them, I thought it was inspirational. Since it's a blog, the last posts go on top, so you want to look up the last posts those regarding day one and then read them in reverse. He's now approaching two months after choosing to do this and he's already made a few new friends and having a great time. He is still not lucky on romance though. And his comments on this area are endearing. I think it's only a matter of time before some lady notices him. In the mean time maybe his story can give us some insights.
These are just my thoughts on the situation and I cannot possibly expect to oversee it at this stage so take the ideas you like and leave the ones you don't.
It sounds like your daughter suffers from agoraphobia. It's a fear of going outside the safe secure environment and what basically happens in fear is that we develop strategies to avoid the fear. If we are successful in avoiding the fear we will strengthen the strategy and the idea of breaking the strategy causes the fear in turn. Also fear of fear is often a complicating factor. The result of this is that we keep making our worlds smaller because we avoid ever more parts of it in an attempt to avoid fears.
The obvious cure is to invert the behavior, keep making the world bigger by experimenting with adding new behaviors to it.
There's nothing you can do. But everything she can do. And you can be assisting in this. What I mean to say is that you cannot treat her, she can only treat herself on her own choice if she refuses you can't make her, and forcing it likely makes it worse. Gentle encouragement accomplishes more on the long run.
What a psychologist would do is explore what goes on in the head. Get a little familiar with the particular thoughts that cause trouble for this person. And then gently create the fearful situations. Going from easiest to hardest. Not taking the next step before the client has belief in being able to do it. Not to conquer them in one go but to systematically desensitize the person to the fear provoking stimulus. All the while avoiding the panic attacks and giving them the feeling of control. The client decides. Shrinks encourage, but the client decides. At least that'd be my choice.
The good news is that this is usually a phase. And more than with most difficulties her personal choice is a very important factor in the outcome. It's a process of baby steps. But with every step the feeling of being in control becomes more obvious and believable.
For advice I would suggest that in this particular situation it might be more important to be a coach than a parent. When a parent could say "You'll do this young lady" a coach would say "Lets agree on a goal and work at it together." For her it's important to want to deal with it, to get the idea that she can deal with this. That she gets the space and time to deal with it and finally that she feels she has control over how to deal with it. This will turn the strategy of avoiding troublesome situations into a strategy designed to conquer the situations in the long run and with a little common sense and a lot of "jokes about the self" and with baby steps you can really get somewhere. Most people consider it a good time looking back even if it seemed stressful in advance.
For example if you're at a diner, maybe you could let her do the order, let her negotiate every aspect of the situation so it becomes easier for her. If she already has trouble going to a diner, just see if she can control the variables in a way so that she feels it'll be possible.
Speak out the goals and intentions and really stick to them for example if letting her order comes up, say it way in advance that its an idea let her know she has control and say that you plan to ask her if she wants to do it and that a yes or no then is final. Then follow that protocol it will make it predictable and thus less scary for her. It's ok to say no because there will be a next chance.
You get what I meant when I said: "There's nothing you can do. But everything she can do." ? If she's not in control how can she learn to feel in control?
Theres this blog by a bloke, a "code monkey" who is extremely introverted. The situation is not exactly the same because he is a bit older and he's introverted, not phobic, but because he is so analytical he describes his emotions and fears well and honestly. It offers a beautiful insight into social fears and a great attitude in how to deal with them, I thought it was inspirational. Since it's a blog, the last posts go on top, so you want to look up the last posts those regarding day one and then read them in reverse. He's now approaching two months after choosing to do this and he's already made a few new friends and having a great time. He is still not lucky on romance though. And his comments on this area are endearing. I think it's only a matter of time before some lady notices him. In the mean time maybe his story can give us some insights.
These are just my thoughts on the situation and I cannot possibly expect to oversee it at this stage so take the ideas you like and leave the ones you don't.