(11-23-2021, 10:38 PM)sillypumpkins Wrote:To me, it is very interesting that you heard from how for your friend it is such hard work and you thought you might be missing out.... and then voilà all of a sudden - it turns out to be indeed hard, extremely hard and painful for you too! sounds a bit like "self-fulfilling prophecy " - or something that your soul wants to experience, because it is exactly the opposite of how it used to be for you.
I was talking with my friend the other day, who described her creative process to be quite the opposite, that is, all of her work involved blood, sweat, and tears. Nothing seems to come easy. It made me realize that I might be missing out on a whole different dimension of creative work.
......
Here's my problem: In the past couple days, I've made a point to focus more on "working at" my guitar playing and songwriting. And honestly..... it feels horribly excruciating, painful, and quite honestly I experience thoughts of suicide in the midst of playing, and especially afterwards too.
I feel extremely upset during and after playing. I mean..... this is something I find magical in a lot of ways, writing a song, and yet I can't help but feel so much pain during the process. I think this is perhaps where the suicidal thoughts come in, if I can't play music without feeling this way, then what's the point? Why continue living if I can't even feel joy within the creative process? That's the conclusion I come to at least.
Maybe you can even use the pain and the suicidal thoughts creatively? I am thinking of so many artists who had such difficult lives and were so unhappy and created wonderful and sublime things out of that....
anyway, kudos to you for playing out there on street corners! that is very magical to me
when i think how horrible it was for me at school, in musics class, when we had to sing or play an instrument in front of everyone-"hugs" I wish you well