Depression and Accepting or Resisting Futility

[Sacred Fool]

I think depression is just feelings you don't wanna feel, so you numb yourself and feel nothing. I'm sick of feeling the same painful s*** over and over again, so all I feel right now is disappointment.

On the face of it, fellow traveler, it seems that you know exactly where you need to go, you just don't want to go there.  It's like one part of you says, "You must eat your Brussels sprouts, " and another part says, "I HATE Brussels sprouts!!"  I can very much understand the frustration, having planted myself at many a threshold before.

So, I'm typing all this to suggest to you that, if you can't feel the stuff you don't want to feel by yourself, perhaps you can find an helper who can encompass your situation and assist you through this difficult passage?  Maybe some kind of psychic, medicine woman, freewheeling alien cowboy healer, whatever?  Truth is, perhaps, if you're sitting there knowing where you need to go, that's a large part of the work already done.  The next step is to accept the vulnerability necessary to cross over into the land of feeling and accepting what you'd rather not have to feel and accept.

As it happens, I'm now at my own threshold (where I've also been for years) and that same seemingly-disabling needed level of vulnerability is likewise the ticket through the door.  Just like with you--so far as is obvious to me--this is NOT playing to my strong suit, as it were.  I can't play the cranky-old-SOB card in this game, and the persistent feeling of sheer nakedness is neither flattering nor comforting.  Happily, however, I am receiving much spiritual support helping me stumble my way along through this.  In some sense, that in itself is a huge compensation for the price of admission.