My struggle with the Choice, 2nd guessing.

[Ming the Merciful]

For all my life  I've fervently and  passionately dedicated my life and soul to the highest divine truth, God if you will. At first it started with spiritual struggle, then devout Christian following, then  a eureka and some years  of searching that  led me to the Law of One and the Confederation message which has now been  my reality for over two years as an ardent student. I would say that I'm definitely service-to-others polarized - I walk in the  open heart every moment that I can, Light and Love delight me, it fulfills me to bless others and radiate the Creator's Love. I feel that I  am well balanced in Love/Wisdom and have a good deal of spiritual, inner power, and that my  chakras are for the most part well balanced as well. I know that I don't like pain, fear, or suffering- either with myself or others- which are par for the course with the negative path. The problem though is  that  even though  I know these things, part of me  is still lured by the darkness of STS, it's promise of power, the experience of greatness, looking at painful, negative karma as sweet fuel to feed the fire of hatred  and anger to burn  away  all who oppose you or stand in your way. Part  of me wants to embrace  the  Lucifer  archetype- coming so close to God and the Light, knowing Him, being one with deity, only to turn your back on it all and use  what you've gained to become  a ruler of the darkness.  Part of me wants to believe that  I  could excel in this path, just as I have in  the positive, and end my evolutionary journey through 7th density having fully experienced both paths, not just one. I don't know if I could  take the heat, but part of me wants it.

I know this is a heavy topic, and I'm in no way trying  to tempt anyone else or put a stumbling block in  anyone's path, but  this is my reality, this is honesty, this is what I'm  wrestling with right now. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through  this or if anyone has any thoughts.

Brandon, when I read your statement I saw myself in a mirror. I too sought the Ultimate Truth and the answer to Reality. It reflects the metaphor spoken by the Buddha. The man traveled the Earth looking for Enlightenment. Only to discover that he found it when he returned home. You will never find it by, (endlessly), searching, because the Truth is within yourself. The fact is, you already know the answer within yourself. When you stop looking, you will find it. To quote the Buddha. Stop worrying about Karma and good deeds, allow for a natural balance in every action. When you can be at peace within yourself and stop worrying about things out of your control, the Balance develops in its natural form. I have been where you are. Or in ISKCON, AS IT IS.