05-15-2009, 04:35 PM
It's been a couple days since I first asked for help and i most certainly received it! Things have been a lot "better." I'm diagnosed with Bi Polar Mania. People that "know" my "history" get concerned when i get hyper, they believe that I am flood of emotional intellect/intellectual emotion with no control. And that when i to stop it which can be quite abrupt they believe thats the bi polar kicking in. For me the flood or the flow of energy isn't the issue. It's the present awareness of such. Some times i'll open the gates and just let it flow freely. It's fine because for me it's relaxing, I can say crazy, goofy s*** and act in a crazy stupid manner because i trust the universe to keep me in check, which it always does. I'll tend to send out strong vibrations, they could be positive or negative on the surface and typically my awareness is reestablished when i start recieving a lot of "negative vibes" back. That could be something like "what the f*** are you talking about to" or just someone losing control themselves. It's difficult now because people ask me for help because they believe me to be helpful but sometimes what is "needed" is some 5th density "tough love" aka looking at the situation plainly. So lately i've found a new appreciation for silence haha. For me it's all about balance the second i realize the pendulum is staying on one side is the second i have to reset. As far as my medication, for me it's merely a sleep aid. As the day progresses the instrument gets dull and the gates aren't as sturdy...i can of course override the dullness by forcing myself to "speed" and sometimes i'll create so much mental energy that when it's time for bed i have two choices: Mediate for as long as it takes by myself to calm down "naturally" or do i take a medication and lie down hoping for the best. I am not adverse to either option. sometimes the mediation way is good but to do that style just because thats the"natural" way can be view as arrogant. When I take the medication for me its a display of faith and a desire for help. More to come later