Thinking love, not feeling it

[ttwagneriii]

Update: this is what I get for posting...

So, 2 week after I wrote the above post, I get my "acceptance and understanding" line put to the test twice! In both cases, the individuals doing the testing were what I objectively and non-judgementally describe as self-absorbed, pretentious, bores. With out going into the minutiae, I will provide a few unsolicited quotes:
"Yeah, I though about buying a place in Belize, but they just don't have the infrastructure, so I'm thinking about Costa, but I'm picky, picky." This went on for 75 minutes.

And:

"There's some things I promised myself as a kid I'd never do as an adult: cut my own grass, clean my own pool, or fly coach." This went on for 2 days.

Not once did either of these guys ask me a single question about what was going on with me. I'd do my best to act interested in their drivel, but inside, I'm asking myself what the heck I was supposed to be getting out of these inane interactions. I don't need somebody to ask me what is going on in my life, whether they are actually interested or faking it, but do I really need to sit thru a monologue about the miles per gallon you get driving your "party bus?" I am in no way saying I am perfect, but it would be inaccurate to characterize me as unconcerned with my spiritual progression, ignorant of the concept of unity, or uninterested in my fellow beings. Basically, if I'm awake, I'm trying.

So I had to really think about why these two identical lessons were being placed in front of me. Certainly I can accept that they are there and who they are. As far as understanding goes, I recall Ra saying something to the effect that if someone wants to stay asleep, adjust their pillow. Fine, but I just couldn't figure out why I was anywhere near them. I tried out several theories: maybe I need more patience, maybe these people get a benefit from being listened too, maybe I need a pool so I can get someone to clean it. None really felt right and in the case of being a good listener, it occurred to my that by being too attentive, I may be enabling their ego inflation.

The only thing that really felt like I was paddling downstream instead of against against the current was that I need to try and be less like what I found so unappealing in these two people. It's a simple lesson and kind of embarrassing that what I need to work on was not being a self absorbed prick. Or put in a positive way, I need to further develop genuine interest and concern for the people who are directly in front of me. Ask about them. Ask about their kids and their lives. Remember their names, for crying out loud. Like I said, embarrassing.

So I tried this change. Usually, I'm pretty good at applying help protocols to whoever I'm interacting with, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a bit of remove in this process. I just kind of let how busy I am create a barrier between me and others. Lately, I have tried to let go of that, close the emotional gap I maintain, and just try and relate. Not like I give a s***, but because I actually do give a s*** about these other manifestations of the Creator. What is amazing is how sweet it feels when I remember that I really do care and why. I think that is what rubbed me wrong about those two guys blowing their own horns: they really don't care about me or anyone else and the ugly fact I was confronting was that maybe that is true about me to some degree. In fact, I now know it was.

So, for me, "acceptance and understanding" required a little tweak: give a s***.

I'm sure I'll edit some of this later. The nuance in this lesson for me is difficult for me to describe.