Oh gosh, I have lots of experience with that!
Here is what I have learned:
It has nothing to do with whether they are capable of doing it themselves or not. We all could use some loving kindness even if we CAN do it ourselves! If a person asks for help, then I help them if I can. I don't think it's right to judge whether they really 'need' my help or not. If they are asking, then there is some reason they are feeling overwhelmed in some way.
So for me, the determining factor isn't whether they can do it themselves or not, but whether there is a pattern of the same problem repeating.
If the problem keeps repeating, then they are hanging on to it for some reason, and my continuing to help them is just throwing time and energy down a black hole.
Where I cut off the help is when the pattern keeps repeating. That's when it becomes enabling, rather than just doing a good deed.
To be more accurate, what I 'cut off' is the instant jumping to help them in the way I was doing before. I will still try to help, but in a different way. Instead of solving the problem for them, my 'help' is more a gentle reminder that they're repeating the pattern. Or, my 'help' might be to change the subject, after reminding them that we've already discussed this countless times and I'm really not interested in repeating myself, since it doesn't do any good anyway. This might seem cold, so it's tricky to do it with love. But sometimes firmness is appropriate, rather than continuing to feed their dysfunction.
Examples:
A friend calls me, upset with some problem. I listen. I try to offer suggestions. The problem seems fixable to me, even though the solutions seem elusive to her, so I try to be a good friend and help her get enough clarity to at least recognize possible solutions, so that she can choose which solution might be the most appropriate for her situation.
But, the next week she's back with the same complaints. That's ok. We don't change habits overnight. I understand. How many times have I been guilty of that too? I'm not going to withdraw compassion just because she didn't grasp the simplicity of the solution instantly like I might have in that particular situation. We all have different problems and blind spots. What seems simple to me might be daunting to her.
So, once again I help her thru it. I let her vent and rant for a bit. Key word here being for a bit. That's ok. That's even healthy. The frustration needs to be discharged, so I give her a shoulder to cry on. Once again, I gently remind her of possible solutions, and that she doesn't have to stay stuck in that problem, but DOES have the power to move away from it.
So far so good. We might even go thru this process a few more times. The key here is whether she seems open to implementing a solution, and is making any progress towards changing her situation, baby steps though they may be.
Where it become enabling is when all she's doing is making excuses as to why she can't find a solution. Valid objections are fine. I understand that I don't know the full intricacies of her situation and some of my suggestions might not work for myriad reasons. So valid objections and explanations are ok.
BUT, if all she's doing is objecting to everything I say, if she cannot make ANY of the solutions work, but just seems to be intent on explaining why her problem is unsolvable, then that is a sure sign that she isn't ready to let go of the problem.
At that point, my continuing to sympathize with her plight is no longer compassionate but has become enabling. Rather than helping her, I am now continuing to feed her blockages, by spending a lot of time listening to her complain. It becomes an energy drain, a black hole. Nothing beneficial comes from it. I'm not helping her but hindering her.
This doesn't mean that the friend must implement MY suggestions for solutions. Maybe none of my suggestions are feasible. But at the very least, my suggestions might trigger some new ideas. The key is whether the person seems truly interested in finding a solution, or do they just want to wallow in self-pity. I realize this is very subjective and could easily slide down that slippery slope into judgment. So we have to be careful and keep our hearts open and our intentions loving, so that we will have the necessary discernment and wisdom to make a good decision about where to draw the line.
Here's an example from my own life:
I have a very dear friend whom I love very much. I think the world of her! But her life is very chaotic. She seems to thrive on chaos. She has a great attitude towards life and meets challenges head on. I admire this trait tremendously in her.
But, I have learned not to let myself slide into her state of chaos. That's not how *I* want to live *my* life so I have to draw a line somewhere.
She lives less than 10 minutes away from me. I have a water machine that makes healing water that has benefited her tremendously. She has come over to my house to get 5-gallon jugs of water when she was very sick, and got better immediately. The machine is pricey and she doesn't have much $$, so I have repeatedly told her that she can just get it for free, forever. She doesn't ever have to buy her own machine, as long as she has such easy access to mine. Since she lives so close, and has a car, there is no reason she can't just pop over to my house once or twice a week, fill up some jugs, and enjoy the healthy benefits of the water.
But does she do that? No. She'll do it every now and then, but most of the time she just always has something more important to do. Keep in mind that her kids are grown and she lives alone, though she does help her daughter alot with the grandbabies.
Also keep in mind that there's nothing in it for me, since I know she will never buy a machine, so there is absolutely zero financial incentive for me to keep her drinking the water. Nor do I pressure her in any way. She already knows how much it has helped her. It has kept her out of the hospital several times. So I don't have to convince her of that. I never call her and nag her to drink the water. It really doesn't matter to me whether she drinks it or not, other than my caring for her as a friend. She is the one who calls me and asks for it! So of course I always tell her, of course, sure, come on over, you can have as much as you want, anytime!
The problem is, that she doesn't come over to get it, and then calls me later complaining that she's sick. I mean, sick with stuff that's easily preventable...conditions that she KNOWS the water can help with, because it has already helped her countless times!
So here we have a situation in which she has an easy solution right in front of her nose. Furthermore, it has already been proven to work for her. There is absolutely no valid objection to utilizing this solution, whatsoever. She is capable of driving a few miles down the road. No matter how busy she is, she has 15 minutes twice a week, and it's free. Oh yeah, did I mention it's FREE?
So, clearly she has some reason to stay sick. Maybe it's providing some needed catalyst for her. Who am I to judge her for that?
I have done my part. I have offered it. It was shown to help her, and now she has made the choice that she doesn't have the time to come get it.
She calls me about every week or 2 to tell me how much the water has helped her, and that she is 'definitely' going to get it regularly. She thanks me for it. She knows I don't mind at all giving it to her. She is the one who initiates the conversation about the water, every time. I almost never bring it up. SHE is the one who keeps saying she wants it. But does she come get it? No.
Obviously, if she had no wheels or was otherwise incapable of getting it, I'd take it to her. Or if she usually came over to get it, but occasionally couldn't, then I'd take it to her. But her pattern is to complain, while making grand plans, and never following thru on those plans. Her pattern is to have chaos in her life that prevents her from implementing simple solutions. I can't do anything about that pattern. It doesn't matter what the situation is - chaos always reigns for her.
This isn't judgment towards her. I love her dearly despite her cloud of chaos that follows her wherever she goes! I just don't want to stand under her cloud and get rained on. It's her cloud, not mine.
This same friend always has financial problems too. My husband and I have loaned her $$ several times, and we know that when we do, we'll never see it again. So we don't give her $$ unless we are totally ok with never getting it back, because to expect repayment when we know she'll never pay us back would be setting ourselves up for disappointment and resentment. This friend doesn't pay back $$. Period. She just doesn't. She does, however, often repay it in other ways. She would do anything to help me and has done so in the past. She is a devoted friend, and I treasure her friendship and sisterhood so much that I would never let something as mundane as $$ get in the way of that!
Nevertheless, she doesn't pay back borrowed $$. After nearly 30 years of friendship, I know this to be true and must simply accept it as fact, if I am to be friends with her. It's not because she doesn't care. She has good intentions. No, it's just that her life is so chaotic she actually forgets that she even owes $$! And when she does remember, she tries to offer something else, like plants, or handmade jewelry, or something that has value not measurable by mere money. So I accept and appreciate that this is how she is and actually part of her specialness.
But that doesn't mean that I will continue to bail her out every time she gets into a financial bind! Especially when she somehow gets the $$ together to get a tattoo or something like that, that I would consider a luxury. I don't feel that I must support her choices, to the point of sacrificing a luxury myself, so that she can afford her luxury. She doesn't have much in the way of luxury. She lives very simply. The tattoo is probably the only luxurious thing she has. Who am I to deny her that pleasure? But that doesn't mean I have to pay for it!
This might again sound judgmental, and maybe it is. But I feel I must draw a line somewhere with this friend, because of her pattern of chaos.
I don't think we have the right to judge the decisions made by others. But, we do have the right to not participate when they repeatedly make decisions that concern us, by repeatedly asking for $$ or some other kind of help, that is just perpetuating the pattern.
Here is what I have learned:
It has nothing to do with whether they are capable of doing it themselves or not. We all could use some loving kindness even if we CAN do it ourselves! If a person asks for help, then I help them if I can. I don't think it's right to judge whether they really 'need' my help or not. If they are asking, then there is some reason they are feeling overwhelmed in some way.
So for me, the determining factor isn't whether they can do it themselves or not, but whether there is a pattern of the same problem repeating.
If the problem keeps repeating, then they are hanging on to it for some reason, and my continuing to help them is just throwing time and energy down a black hole.
Where I cut off the help is when the pattern keeps repeating. That's when it becomes enabling, rather than just doing a good deed.
To be more accurate, what I 'cut off' is the instant jumping to help them in the way I was doing before. I will still try to help, but in a different way. Instead of solving the problem for them, my 'help' is more a gentle reminder that they're repeating the pattern. Or, my 'help' might be to change the subject, after reminding them that we've already discussed this countless times and I'm really not interested in repeating myself, since it doesn't do any good anyway. This might seem cold, so it's tricky to do it with love. But sometimes firmness is appropriate, rather than continuing to feed their dysfunction.
Examples:
A friend calls me, upset with some problem. I listen. I try to offer suggestions. The problem seems fixable to me, even though the solutions seem elusive to her, so I try to be a good friend and help her get enough clarity to at least recognize possible solutions, so that she can choose which solution might be the most appropriate for her situation.
But, the next week she's back with the same complaints. That's ok. We don't change habits overnight. I understand. How many times have I been guilty of that too? I'm not going to withdraw compassion just because she didn't grasp the simplicity of the solution instantly like I might have in that particular situation. We all have different problems and blind spots. What seems simple to me might be daunting to her.
So, once again I help her thru it. I let her vent and rant for a bit. Key word here being for a bit. That's ok. That's even healthy. The frustration needs to be discharged, so I give her a shoulder to cry on. Once again, I gently remind her of possible solutions, and that she doesn't have to stay stuck in that problem, but DOES have the power to move away from it.
So far so good. We might even go thru this process a few more times. The key here is whether she seems open to implementing a solution, and is making any progress towards changing her situation, baby steps though they may be.
Where it become enabling is when all she's doing is making excuses as to why she can't find a solution. Valid objections are fine. I understand that I don't know the full intricacies of her situation and some of my suggestions might not work for myriad reasons. So valid objections and explanations are ok.
BUT, if all she's doing is objecting to everything I say, if she cannot make ANY of the solutions work, but just seems to be intent on explaining why her problem is unsolvable, then that is a sure sign that she isn't ready to let go of the problem.
At that point, my continuing to sympathize with her plight is no longer compassionate but has become enabling. Rather than helping her, I am now continuing to feed her blockages, by spending a lot of time listening to her complain. It becomes an energy drain, a black hole. Nothing beneficial comes from it. I'm not helping her but hindering her.
This doesn't mean that the friend must implement MY suggestions for solutions. Maybe none of my suggestions are feasible. But at the very least, my suggestions might trigger some new ideas. The key is whether the person seems truly interested in finding a solution, or do they just want to wallow in self-pity. I realize this is very subjective and could easily slide down that slippery slope into judgment. So we have to be careful and keep our hearts open and our intentions loving, so that we will have the necessary discernment and wisdom to make a good decision about where to draw the line.
Here's an example from my own life:
I have a very dear friend whom I love very much. I think the world of her! But her life is very chaotic. She seems to thrive on chaos. She has a great attitude towards life and meets challenges head on. I admire this trait tremendously in her.
But, I have learned not to let myself slide into her state of chaos. That's not how *I* want to live *my* life so I have to draw a line somewhere.
She lives less than 10 minutes away from me. I have a water machine that makes healing water that has benefited her tremendously. She has come over to my house to get 5-gallon jugs of water when she was very sick, and got better immediately. The machine is pricey and she doesn't have much $$, so I have repeatedly told her that she can just get it for free, forever. She doesn't ever have to buy her own machine, as long as she has such easy access to mine. Since she lives so close, and has a car, there is no reason she can't just pop over to my house once or twice a week, fill up some jugs, and enjoy the healthy benefits of the water.
But does she do that? No. She'll do it every now and then, but most of the time she just always has something more important to do. Keep in mind that her kids are grown and she lives alone, though she does help her daughter alot with the grandbabies.
Also keep in mind that there's nothing in it for me, since I know she will never buy a machine, so there is absolutely zero financial incentive for me to keep her drinking the water. Nor do I pressure her in any way. She already knows how much it has helped her. It has kept her out of the hospital several times. So I don't have to convince her of that. I never call her and nag her to drink the water. It really doesn't matter to me whether she drinks it or not, other than my caring for her as a friend. She is the one who calls me and asks for it! So of course I always tell her, of course, sure, come on over, you can have as much as you want, anytime!
The problem is, that she doesn't come over to get it, and then calls me later complaining that she's sick. I mean, sick with stuff that's easily preventable...conditions that she KNOWS the water can help with, because it has already helped her countless times!
So here we have a situation in which she has an easy solution right in front of her nose. Furthermore, it has already been proven to work for her. There is absolutely no valid objection to utilizing this solution, whatsoever. She is capable of driving a few miles down the road. No matter how busy she is, she has 15 minutes twice a week, and it's free. Oh yeah, did I mention it's FREE?
So, clearly she has some reason to stay sick. Maybe it's providing some needed catalyst for her. Who am I to judge her for that?
I have done my part. I have offered it. It was shown to help her, and now she has made the choice that she doesn't have the time to come get it.
She calls me about every week or 2 to tell me how much the water has helped her, and that she is 'definitely' going to get it regularly. She thanks me for it. She knows I don't mind at all giving it to her. She is the one who initiates the conversation about the water, every time. I almost never bring it up. SHE is the one who keeps saying she wants it. But does she come get it? No.
Obviously, if she had no wheels or was otherwise incapable of getting it, I'd take it to her. Or if she usually came over to get it, but occasionally couldn't, then I'd take it to her. But her pattern is to complain, while making grand plans, and never following thru on those plans. Her pattern is to have chaos in her life that prevents her from implementing simple solutions. I can't do anything about that pattern. It doesn't matter what the situation is - chaos always reigns for her.
This isn't judgment towards her. I love her dearly despite her cloud of chaos that follows her wherever she goes! I just don't want to stand under her cloud and get rained on. It's her cloud, not mine.
This same friend always has financial problems too. My husband and I have loaned her $$ several times, and we know that when we do, we'll never see it again. So we don't give her $$ unless we are totally ok with never getting it back, because to expect repayment when we know she'll never pay us back would be setting ourselves up for disappointment and resentment. This friend doesn't pay back $$. Period. She just doesn't. She does, however, often repay it in other ways. She would do anything to help me and has done so in the past. She is a devoted friend, and I treasure her friendship and sisterhood so much that I would never let something as mundane as $$ get in the way of that!
Nevertheless, she doesn't pay back borrowed $$. After nearly 30 years of friendship, I know this to be true and must simply accept it as fact, if I am to be friends with her. It's not because she doesn't care. She has good intentions. No, it's just that her life is so chaotic she actually forgets that she even owes $$! And when she does remember, she tries to offer something else, like plants, or handmade jewelry, or something that has value not measurable by mere money. So I accept and appreciate that this is how she is and actually part of her specialness.
But that doesn't mean that I will continue to bail her out every time she gets into a financial bind! Especially when she somehow gets the $$ together to get a tattoo or something like that, that I would consider a luxury. I don't feel that I must support her choices, to the point of sacrificing a luxury myself, so that she can afford her luxury. She doesn't have much in the way of luxury. She lives very simply. The tattoo is probably the only luxurious thing she has. Who am I to deny her that pleasure? But that doesn't mean I have to pay for it!
This might again sound judgmental, and maybe it is. But I feel I must draw a line somewhere with this friend, because of her pattern of chaos.
I don't think we have the right to judge the decisions made by others. But, we do have the right to not participate when they repeatedly make decisions that concern us, by repeatedly asking for $$ or some other kind of help, that is just perpetuating the pattern.
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