Help with rent or a place to crash

[JJCarsonian]

I dropped out of two prestigious colleges and the last one was in LA. I chose the second one largely so I could move there from the East Coast, where I was also unhappy, and spent a year in CA after until living costs became prohibitive.

The last time I dropped out was triggered by a breakdown I had when I discovered pizzagate was real. Some may not believe this, but I have had involvement with occult circles in the past, and I received direct verification of the theory's truth from the inside. I became disgusted with the media's coverup as a "right-wing conspiracy theory" and how quickly the general public bought it. I started ranting about the dark occult influence in this world, became paranoid and confrontational, and behaved extremely erratically, which scared people. The school's administration tried to institutionalize me multiple times, after lying to me and saying they'd leave me alone if I spoke with a therapist. This set me off further into a strange, paranoid state, until I ran off and didn't return.

After this, I began reading many esoteric texts and my previous semi-casual interest in the occult became much more serious, because I realized how deep the occult influence is in this world after discovering the reality of the "Illuminati." I discovered the Ra material while researching the overlap between extraterrestrials and the esoteric. It struck me as much more put together and authentic than many texts in this field, and I read it multiple times.

At the beginning of that phase, I came to the conclusion that the financial system is a form of magick. I had previous experience manifesting minor successes in other areas, and decided I would try to manifest large amounts of money to have a stable living, build positive social programs, and donate much to charity. It seemed to me that if much of the population is oppressed by hidden forces that manifest through these economic controls, I could learn to navigate this same system and utilize these tools for good. I had already wanted to make positive social changes, but I became disillusioned with politics and the social movements I was surrounded by. I was at a point where I believed that money controlled the world, and the biggest step towards change would be through redirecting the flow of money. After digesting the Ra material multiple times, I realized service doesn't have to be a big mission like this, though at this point I was already immersed in forex.

I chose forex because it has low barriers to entry and is faster paced than stocks, which meant that I could start with very little.  I finally found a very successful strategy after several months of major stress, where I was doubling my account every week, but I lost my nerve and stopped utilizing my strategy after a month of this, and blew up my account. There is a lot of past trauma in my life and I had been repressing it to perform at that level. At some point I also lost sight of my original intention, through all the pain I've experienced. I think I had a subconscious deathwish and sabotaged myself, and I now have next to nothing.

This is quite a bit, but I figured a lot of answers would be an appropriate response for a lot of questions.

Also thank you to the people who have donated so far.

Thanks for spilling your guts, it's very interesting, and to tell you the truth, i've learned much of what you said over the years, such as the "illumanati".

I know you've made a decision to go STS, but the first part of Service to Others is to help yourself, first. This means activating and balancing your energies.

Regarding Black/White Magic, the rule of thumb is, unless your heart chakra is open an almost fully active and balanced with the other centers, any type of magic is going to depolarize you, regardless of your intentions. My recommendation is to stay away from magic.

Regarding New World Order, Illumanatis, etc.. - who cares. Don't worry about that. This world is moving into 4th stage of evolution, and all negative entities will be moved elsewhere. The farsight.org has remote viewers peering into the "9/11 attacks", and found that much of it was staged by our own government. Its not your problem right now. Once you've rectified yourself, then you can move onto other things.

From a work perspective, i wouldnt get into anything that can be likened to gambling, unless you know how to handle it. When i say "Know how to handle it", this means not caring whether you win or lose.

I would look at your education and experience and look for a stable job. Like i said, the Dallas economy is booming right now. Rent is low and opportunities are high. I would look to stabilize your career. At the same time, you should try to balance yourself.