What is it with me?

[Jade]

And I'm just left TRYING to say I collapsed those plans because I was selfish and greedy and childish and spoiled, but that they happened for an important reason, when the only reason I can see is I screwed it up myself, and I am to blame, and I was the one who failed, and hurt everyone, and messed up.  You could imagine that, couldn't you Jade?  You've seen how I can pop off, how I lose it to myself, how I can be so seemingly determined, but have no motivation, and the frustration that follows.

Of course I can see that. Can't you see how it's ego based to say that YOU "messed up", or, that YOU "failed", when Ra says that there are no mistakes? You understand that things are as they should be, yet you still give yourself negative blame for how you got there. But the fact is, this is where you are today, so this is the catalyst you have chosen to deal with, this is the catalyst that will balance you, if you work with it. Being estranged from one's child seems like a serious preincarnative decision.

Did you know I lack a Midheaven placement in my Astrology Chart?

What? This is not possible. The midheaven is merely a degree in the 360 degree circle that is the horoscope. Everyone has a midheaven. Unless you don't know what time you were born, but otherwise, the cusp of your 10th house is the midheaven. If you don't know what time you are born, that doesn't mean you don't have a midheaven, you just don't know where it is.

Like, RIGHT NOW, this particular moment, my needle is swung towards writing, and it's highly motivated and focused, but I know I'm just 'in the zone' so to speak, and eventually the needle will swing, and maybe I'll go back to learning programming, then it'll swing, and I'll lose interest in programming to begin illustrating and making digital art.  Then it swings and I'm interested in gardening.  Then it swings and I want to know the truth and the creator.  Then it swings and all I can focus on is finding a girlfriend, then it swings and I'm back to catching up on Dragon Ball, then it swings and I'm back to playing video games, then it swings and I'm back to writing my zombie novel.

The "needle swing" you are talking about is the will. The will takes effort to develop. Otherwise, we are beholden to our unconscious whims, which will carry us through the day without any thought unless we do something about it.

I...Believe that I NEED someone else to provide that structure, I'm the paint, but without a paint can I'm just a mess.  Get it?

Yes, you need to reclaim your masculine self - The Magician - the will. The conscious mind is he who can provide the structure, but it takes work and effort to reprogram the computer.

 Why Jade, you yourself manifest these energies in your exaggerations at times.  Aion manifests these energies at times, as does the more sensitive members of B4 such as Mahakali, Cainite, even Gemini at times seemed to mirror a subconscious facet of B4.

Yes, this is why we are here - to energize each other's unconscious distortions. Can we talk about the direct, painful catalyst you have equally given me? Do you not think that the amount of time I spend writing posts to help you, just to have you lash out at me, can be wearying? Do you not see that this is where my frustration in dealing with you comes from? You ask for help, and then you spin a thousand yarns about why it's impossible for you to do anything to change your circumstances. So all that I know how to do right now, is to try to continue to convince you that you have some control over the way your physical reality manifests, and you know how to exercise that control - but if someone gives you a blank post to fill, you waste your time conjuring every excuse in the book. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you seem to be stuck in a loop about this.

I'm just scared, Jade.  I have faith but do I have the courage?

Does it take courage to leap off the cliff like the Fool, or is it foolishness?

You are asking me to love the most darkest thing I know of.  You provide great reasons to.  But I'm mentally ill.  I lose control and no amount of conscious effort will change that, the best I can do is work with it, I can't control it.

Here's a small example: How about instead of telling yourself you are mentally ill, try to tell yourself that you are mentally capable? I don't think you're even in the top 50% of mental illness amongst people who post here. Autism isn't a mental illness. You are very smart and capable, you just tell yourself the opposite far too often.

Can you love the worst parts of myself?  I struggle to and I'm me, for real.

I love you. I have read some amazing confessions from you about things you have done, and I still have yet to see what is so unlovable. You think you have committed a horrible series of crimes when really, you've just been living life to the best of your ability. It's just a matter of taking the life you have today, and continuing to move forward to the best of your ability.

And I want to talk further, and spill out my heart and tell you I'm all these bad things in some kind of way that'll touch your heart and make you realize I'm just holding myself back because I have chosen to out of fear, but nothing I will ever say will ever reach you the ways I try to reach you.

That's because you continue to try to reach us through words. I hear you through what you are "saying". You don't have to try so hard to communicate. The more you open the green ray (love yourself), the more the blue ray becomes unblocked, and you will feel more understanding and more understood.