Heavy chemical vehicles of the physical planes

[sjel]

You are using your own energy. Will one might call it. I used to have this issue.
Got to start channeling energy through you instead of spreading your own.

Even meditation would exhaust me but since making that switch it doesn't.
Of course we can all be tired but when I read what you wrote about radiating love yet feeling exhausted i heard in my head "you are not supposed to radiate your own energy but the divine".

I did it too so perhaps that was my subconscious vs guides but thought I'd mention it.

that connected with me. this totally makes sense. Although I must be experiencing some fraction of the divine energy otherwise I wouldn't be able to channel love at all? But it's a small small part of what I could be for sure

I'd contemplate the idea of an astral entity draining you if I were you. From what I've seen, curling up is a natural reaction to that but also does block the flow of energy within your body which I'm not sure is all that helpful in the situation.

Beyond that you are open to radiate, are you also open to the earth's energies? Outside the portions we humans enclose within ourselves, they are definitely not low and heavy of themselves.

I've thought about this, but I'm under the impression that since I am so magically naive, no entity would see me as a potent energy source. I don't consciously interact with entities except in my dreams and, in the past, using high dose psychedelics. So I feel like I'm not yet a large enough beacon to attract significant negative entity vacuums.

In any case, I would be more worried if I felt depressed all the time. As it is, I fluctuate between periods ranging from general malaise to intense despair and periods of either controlled or uncontrolled mania. I've slept very little in the last three days in a heightened energy state, intensely involved with a piece of music/catalyst that I did not realize was weighing me down. The creation of these music energy complexes brings the catalyst from my subconscious out into the forefront of my mind to deal with it. It's very heavy and intense. I am immensely grateful that I was able to bring it out, I literally feel lighter because of it. (Here it is,  'disgust,' if you are interested.)

Another thing: what is the difference between a negative entity draining your energy and a highly dissonant thought-form that drains your energy? Are they not the same thing? Because maybe I'm just treating my own negative thought complexes as not self-aware, but created by me. If I thought about these complexes as self-aware, that would change the way I systematically purge them.