A strange path

[OpalE]

 Welcome.

This feeling is getting old:  an urge to speak, but no words in tow.

The answer this time:  turn the brain off and start typing.

Bring4th_Jade used the words: "initiation" in most spiritual.

definitely.  your story and experiences reek of initiations, trials, and callings.

This:

Uni offered me a third try on a different subject, I was advised by my parents to go and just try, just give it one more chance. I still completely failed, and the same happened again. I became a loner, no friends, everything i tried failed. My mind felt numb, lack of anything and everything. The only thing I could do was sleep. Anything else was too pain full. Full blown depression, I felt suicide was the only option. That night on the brink of doom, with severe depression with constant suicidal thoughts in my head, i had a strange dream. A nuclear explosion fell down in front of me, I felt my whole body disintegrate and vaporize, it was a strange sensation, I can still recall the feeling today. I Woke up in hot sweats and was thinking, how have I been dragged down to this?  I had pursued a life ultimately just trying to do what everyone said to me. So I asked myself a question... If I could do one thing in the world what would it be...... My first thought was to help the world. It seemed like the only thing worth doing. Regardless as what has happened to me, I had finally found my calling. A goal! and a worthy one!

THIS!!

The dream of death is a HUGE one.  It's some kind of gate or spiritual milestone.  Not sure what it means exactly, but always a life-changing 'graduation' of sorts.  It seems to make an ally out of death.

Also.

A faceless darkness showing up to derail a chosen path that seems certain and perfect, "the right thing to do next."  It feels non-physical, but often seems actually visible in the physical environment; even working and speaking through the eyes and mouths of others -- some known well for many years -- seeming to temporarily eclipse their personalities.  It washes over, causing sometimes intense depression and total exhaustion, other times extreme irritation and anger at apparently nothing.  It tries to "get inside," then "bust out" into the world, using you as a channel or window ... sometimes threatening to hurt the people you love through you.

This accompanied it, but was probably tailored for me personally:  constant dreams of a black dragon and a red dragon wrestling in an abyss.  I would watch this for hours upon hours in my sleep.

Looking back, it always showed up at crossroads leading to different futures (sometimes mine, sometimes that of people close to me at the time).  Three times it came like a rapist and interrupted promising runs at universities; once at a community college.  The same every time:  complete certainty of doing the right thing and a perfect gpa to prove it (often surmounting obstacles that, in hindsight, appear completely out of character and impossible without some kind of 'divine intervention / inspiration'), then 'the darkness' would show up to squash all motivation / determination , then complete apathy and total failure.

Once, there was a complete certainty that the force that showed up to 'stop' me was the same force that urged me in that direction to begin with.

The force felt like evil incarnate coming to manipulate events according to some diabolical agenda ... but, in hindsight, it appears to have been some sort of teacher or guide.  At the time, it felt as if wonderful futures were being sabotaged; now, it's obvious that i was being steered away from traps would have led me towards becoming something 'out of keeping with myself.'

....

This may sound simplistic, but i can't overestimate how much of a help it's been:

Every time you find yourself faced with fear or confusion or desparation, no matter where you are or what's happening around you, relax your eyes and breathe deep into your guts like a baby.  Stop thinking and focus entirely on relaxing with the breath, and be still inside the mind.  It seems to "turn off the crisis" and usually clears the fog to reveal a solution that should have been obvious.

good luck.
be well